Ive made up my mind
dont need to think it over
If im wrong I am right
I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waiting as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it
Should i give up
Or should i just keep Chasing Pavements
Even if it leads no where,
Or would it be a waste
Even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
Should i give up
Or should i just keep Chasing Pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
On March 6 I celebrated my 8 yr anniversary with the longest relationship I’ve ever had. NYC & I have had our ups & downs. But somehow I still keep sticking around. Maybe because there’s no place like it. I mean sure it’s loud, it’s cranky, it can be so many things. But somehow I have not given up. In this 8 yr time I’ve only moved 3 times. Which is not a lot considering how often some people move. As you know for the past few months I’ve been preparing for the 4th move. Let me say this with the utmost honesty.....it has not been easy. But I also need to add this....it could have been so much harder. Originally I thought things would be so different. I was worried I would have to move some place that I hated, but this was not the case. I had the luxury of taking time to find the right place for me. That’s not to say I’ve had some false starts. I almost moved 2 different times but my gut was like ’Nick, this is not a good idea.’ As we know, this Gut has been incredibly right with so many things the past few months so I decided it was probably right with these situations as well. As it turns out it was. So for a few weeks I just gave up. I said let it be & when it is the proper time & right place it will work out. I’m incredibly grateful to Jordan for being ok with this as well. I think our whole situation has not only surprised us but many other people as well. I think a few people were waiting for drama to rear it’s ugly head at any moment, but thankfully it did not. Then last weekend I ran across an ad that piqued my interest. A room available in an apt in Hell’s Kitchen, my old hood. One of the roommates was moving out while the other was staying. So they were looking for the right fit. After interviewing 18 other people, they thought that I would be the best fit. I felt like I won American Apt Idol.
For 2 & half months now, I have been chasing pavements all over. Hell’s Kitchen, The West AND East Village, Gramercy, Midtown East, Upper West Side..... I even traveled my ass up to the Upper Upper Upper West Side. Thats just the actual places I saw. Mind you, I sent out countless emails about others. I realized what was fake & what was real on Craigslist. I would see these apts & meet roommates & after a while I said I’m about to go on an audition because really that’s what it felt like. For so many years I had lived the charmed life so in order to retain it, I was certainly going to have to work for it. Not to say I wasn’t picky. I’m sure I could have moved somewhere atrocious for a hot month or 2 but honestly I do not see the fun in moving stuff back & forth over & over again. When I move it’s like ’ok, everything is going to have it’s place now because I ain’t doing this shit again.’
Which is also why I decided to be silent for a while blog wise. For the past month or so I’ve been uber bitchy about some things. Work has not been the same because of certain revelations. I’ll not get into it now, but I will attest to the fact that even before 2008 started I created a plan. So let me just say one thing at a time. Going out has had it’s ups & downs. I’m thankful to some of my brothers & sisters in the game of not drinking but still tearing up a dancefloor. It’s the times when I am the only sober one that has gotten the best of me. There’s been a few people who have said, "I’ll be glad when you can drink again," as they chug down their own. Which leads me to think ’Dammit! I’m pleasant! I can be tons of fun. I AM tons of fun but you’ll not remember this tomorrow because you’re so damn drunk!" What I find interesting is it’s never ’When are you off your medication? Or when will you find out if everything is completely ok?’ Maybe I’m being overly sensitive. Which is one of the reasons why I chose not to blog for so long. I was worried my complete saltiness would come out & being that that is not normally me I didn’t want to project that image. But in all honesty, at times its felt like no one has fully understood what I have gone through. With every little headache, or times when I get a tad dizzy in dance class or when I feel just too tired I worry that it all may come back. Then I think about the months of crap I went through & it makes me angry because I don’t want to go through it again. But I refuse to let these thoughts weigh me down. Even typing these words makes me feel bad because I worry that it may sound somewhat harsh. So instead I will use this space to put the words down to a song I recently discovered by an artist just making waves in the UK scene. Her name is Duffy & she’s had a massive hit with a song called Mercy. I seem to like less & less of the music that is released here so I’ve been branching out for other things. This song is called Distant Dreamer & I’m upset that I did not come up with the words first. As you know, I always post lyrics in my blogs & I’m not doing it for filler people. I do it because the lyrics fit my life & the blog. So here is Distant Dreamer. Look it up on Youtube. It’s on there as well & the song is absolutely beautiful.
Although you think I cope,
my head is filled with hope...
of some place other than here.
Although you think I smile,
inside & all the while...
I’m wondering about my destiny.
I’m thinking about,
all the things,
I’d like to do in my life.
I’m a dreamer,
a distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope, from today.
Even when you see me frown,
my heart won’t let me down,
because I know there’s better things to come (Woah Yeah).
And when life gets tough,
I feel I’ve had enough,
I hold on to a distant star,
I’m thinking about,
all the things,
I’d like to do in my life...
I’m a dreamer,
A distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope from today.
And just in case you’re wondering. I move next weekend. I’m utterly thankful for all my boys who are going to help me. The week after that is my next MRI & Dr’s appointment. I’m holding on to hope & praying that it comes out A Ok. Months ago I thought I would be happy to drink again. But in light of all recent events, I don’t look forward to it the way I once did. I just want to go on living my life & know that everything will be ok.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Spicing Up My Pleasure Principle
Light Skin, Dark Skin, My Asian Persuasion,
I Got them all that's why these girls out here hatin
Cause I'm sexy
As I am still holding out to sign up for Facebook, let me say greetings to all my Myspacers. To the Asians still sending me smiles on Friendster, 'Ni hao!' To a sexy frenchman I know, 'Bonjour!' Since I can't speak french I'll let some funky music do the talking. 'Zdravstvuite!' to my boys that know Russian. And dammit to the guy who just sent me another smile on Frienster.....'Konichiwa bitches!' Nick loves you all!
Children, I have been too salty for my own damn good. The month of February was about to do big baby in. Mr. Cohen decided to give me his cold that attacked him after his bday shenanigans. I have done my best to do battle against it by downing Orange juice, Robitussin, more vitamin C, & Airborne in my hot tea everyday. So currently, I'm winning the war that the cold has tried to plague me with. All around work, people have been coughing. On the subway random strangers cough their head off. It seems all over the country people have gotten sick. Which has not aided in my lovely mood. Since I last blogged, I did switch phone companies & got a new phone number so if I don't have yours yet, give it to me. Looking for the right apartment has also come to an abrupt stop. It's not that I am not moving but for right now, it's stagnant. There was a place that I was about to move into but alas my gut ended up being right. Mind you, I will save that story for another blog. A few weeks ago I found myself just feeling too run down & some headaches were becoming a little bothersome. So I called the doctor & spoke with him. His first question was has there been any more seizures? So I was like no & just told him about what I was feeling. Then he got all Dr. Phil for a hot minute or 2 & called me out. He asked what had been going on in my personal life. So I told him about the break up, the looking for a right apartment & work & other things. He then said, "Nick, this is too much stress." Then he said, "What's the one thing that you want most?" I paused for a moment & then immediately said, "I don't want to have to take this medication anymore & I want to be better!" He then said, "Well you're recovery time is going to be slower if you keep letting the stress get you down." It was like when Glinda told Dorothy that she had always had the power to go back to Kansas. I sometimes forget that I am not He-Man & I've just been so excited that things have felt like they had been moving quickly. The Dr reminded me that for many people it takes a long time to recover & as much as I want to get better I have to remember it's a process. It's just hard being that I am stubborn & want things to happen MUCH quicker. In my head I envisioned the scene in Steel Magnolia's where Sally Field has a break down & then if this were a scene on stage Larry could play the part perfect going, "I can run from here to Texas but Nick can't. I wanna know whyyyy?!!! why???!!" (editor's note: Larry this is your big scene, I hope you live for your shout out)
Joking aside, I completely see what the dr is saying. Even my horoscope's have been calling me out telling me to chill the fuck out. Meanwhile, I was like what you know bout me?! Bless my own heart I guess. So to make a long story short & I took the dr's advice. He said do some stuff that you like. Get yourself in a good mood.
I said hey now look around, pick yourself up off the ground
Never give up on the good times, gotta believe in the love you find
(Never give it up no, never give it up no oh oh)
Never give up on the good times, living it up is a state of mind
(Never give it up no, never give it up no oh oh)
Lately, I've been reminiscing about many things. Things just haven't been the same for so long & I've been trying to savor bits & pieces of memories from yesteryear. The saltiness was getting the best of me. So what do you do when you got too much salt in your diet? You add some spice & in my case I needed 5 spices. Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger & Posh. Yes, that's my lot. Last week I saw them at Madison Square Garden & I must say they were awesome. The vibe was all about some Girl Power & even though 10 yrs have passed they were still able to Spice Up My Life. The crowd was made up of tweens, teens, girls in their 20's & plenty of gays. They opened with Spice Up Your Life & went through Stop, Say You'll Be There but my personal favs were Wannabe, Who Do You Think You Are & Viva Forever. Each of the girls did a solo that was on fire but Geri, who has always been my favorite, put the stage on fire for her rendition of It's Raining Men. Mel C had a light show during her one woman I Turn To You. Emma took us back for a 60's vibe for Maybe. Mel B got all whip tastic during Are You Gonna Go My Way & Victoria ate up the camp appeal as she literally did a runway walk to Like A Virgin/Supermodel. Strangely enough, she kept getting the most cheers when she would sing solo. During Mama, they brought out their kids & lil Cruz got the most attention doing head stands & back flips. He was quite the charmer. By the time the show was over, we all left with a smile upon our face & I felt like I was 19 again.
Yes I still remember,
Every whispered word
The touch of your skin, giving life from within
Like a love song that I'd heard
Slipping through our fingers,
Like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved
Has reflections in my mind
Hasta Manana,
Always be mine
Viva forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, like the sun
Live forever,
For the moment
Ever searching for the one
As things change & people move on, its been interesting to see the dynamics in the groups change. Even as I read blogs that I posted last year & think about things that happened over the summer there's no doubt about it. Things are different & what will be will be. There's no going back & the only way to grow is to learn from the past. Which I think I'm doing. Slowly but surely. Which seems to be my unspoken mantra now ever since the tumor. The question of, "When are you going to be able to drink again?" has become almost annoying as "Have you found an apartment yet?" And that's not to make any one feel bad about asking, it has just added to the 'oh my god your guess is as good as mine' as I semi laugh. Like everything else that has happened I just try to remember there is a reason for this. This too shall pass. The other day at lunch I was chatting with a co-worker about work related stuff. My boss told me last week that she is leaving NYC & moving back to LA. So this week I've been trying to finish up certain stuff for her. Last year, I was not at all happy about having to do assistant work & fought it the whole way. Somehow over time I became ok with it. So when she told me she had decided she didn't want to live here anymore, I laughed & thought about how life is weird. Just when I had become ok with being her assistant things were about to change. As I was telling my co-worker who used to help me on work related stuff she then told me that she was going to have to go on leave. She said that she was going to take time off to stay with her mother as she goes through chemo for cancer that she just found out she had. Her mom is 66 & she said she was really worried about her. She said,"My mom has always been so independent & I just don't see how she's going to get through this." With that being said, she told me her mom exclaimed, "This ain't gonna take me down! I will get through this!" It reminded me of me. It also reminded me that there are plenty of other people who have it worse. Either way, she'll be in my prayers.
A week or so ago I was in the middle of the dancefloor getting my dance on when I just happened to see an old friend that I hadn't seen in a long time. He said, "Wow, Nick you look great!" Which was music to my ears & then he brought up something else. He tells me about how he had heard about the break up & I was like yes, it happened but everything will be ok. It was then he said, "Oh don't worry. I'm sure you'll find a new husband before you know it." An interesting comment to make at least to me so I told him that I'm perfectly fine being single. Unfortunately, it's not the first of those comments. For years I remained single & sure having a bf is nice & wonderful BUT I've never understood why people feel that they are not complete unless they have a gf/bf. The other night while out & about I was playing my role of Sober Sister Sally & my friend Jason was getting his drink on. Countless men kept coming up to him trying to get with him & he said, "Geez, when it rains it pours!" I laughed & then said, "Oh bitch eat it up. Besides ain't no one showing me love!" In his drunken state he told me that I was giving out a vibe that says don't talk to me. I was shocked! I am no bitch & if anything I've just been all about dancing & getting my grooves on. He said, "there are plenty of guys checking you out trying to get your attention but you're not having it." I thought about it but it had not really dawned on me. I pondered it for a hot minute while he got his drunken love fest on with a random guy & I thought about the basic principle. Nick from a long time ago probably would have tried to run through a list of men but the Nick now doesn't need that. As I thought about this a guy stopped in front of me & went to grab my crotch as he said, "hey baby!". Now yes, this may be the way some of us say hello but in that moment I pushed his hand away & as cheesey as it may sound I said, "No. my first name ain't baby!" After that & my moment of reflection I got back to doing what I do best. Getting my dance on.
You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that, no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing
The more you try
The less I buy it
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Don't get me wrong, when Valentine's Day came upon me & I realized it was the first time since 04 I was spending it single, I did get a little reminiscent. Like I said, I have been doing a LOT of reflecting on things from the past. But just as slow & steady has become my mantra, the art of balance has been a constant on my mind. If you have Discipline then you can rock the art of balance. So who better to teach me about such things then Ms. Janet Jackson herself. I've been a fan since I was a little kid & when my mom bought the Control record I would spend many a night dancing to Nasty. Later on I would wear the vcr out rewinding the If video so I could get the moves down. There are plenty of times that people have to clear the floor for Ej, Larry & I to get our breakdown on if the Dj plays Alright, Rhythm Nation or All Night. Throb is probably one of my most favorite dance songs EVER & there's not a dancer I know that hasn't been inspired by her in one way or another. I managed to see janet perform twice. Once for the Today show & then a few yrs back at a VERY packed Pier Dance. But, after all that I've never gotten a chance to meet her. That changed last night. During lunch, I stepped out to go to Best Buy to buy the new cd. There were already people lined up waiting to see her. She was doing an in store signing hours & hours later. I assumed there would be no chance of me being able to go later because I still had to go back to work. But the girl told me if I had a wrist band then I would be able to see her. So I said, "PUT IT ON ME!" I came back after work & sure enough it had started to rain. I had no umbarella ella ella eh. (Why this is becoming a current theme in my blogs I have no idea. This blog is not endorsed by Rihanna at all.) So I wrapped my scarf over my head & waited for my friend Russell to get there. Well since he runs on CP time a bitch was mad late so I had to use my socializing skills & become besties with the girl in front of me who just happened to have an umbrella. We chatted & discussed our love over Ms. Janet Damita Jo Jackson. As we waited, Russell finally showed up & we kept getting closer & closer. I had heard horror stories, namely from Vadim, about not being able to see Madonna because she left the signing early. This was not going to be the case for us. Finally, we were inside & I could see her. She was dressed in all black, the same outfit she had while on TRL just a few hrs before. She looked incredibly tiny, rocking some high heel stiletto boots, flawless skin, & a perfect weave! Janet looked HOT. Security was heavy & they said that absolutely no cell phones or any cameras. Damn! Who would believe me when I said I saw her! I had tried to think of a fabulous monologue or anecdote to say to her & then I got there & became speechless. She took the cd booklet & began to sign Love janet. Dammit Nick open your mouth! So I said, "Janet, I've loved you for over 20 years!" She looked up & said, "Awww, well thank you so much for coming." I said, "I wouldn't have missed it." She looked at me right in the eyes & i swear she had a little sparkle & then she smiled & said, "Oooo & you're cute!" Oh my moo! Ms. Jackson told me I was cute! With that, I became speechless again. Yes, flattery will get you anywhere with me LOL even when you're Janet Jackson. Then in my brief moment security whisked me off & I was left with my memory & you know what? Sometimes it IS all about the pleasure principle.
I Got them all that's why these girls out here hatin
Cause I'm sexy
As I am still holding out to sign up for Facebook, let me say greetings to all my Myspacers. To the Asians still sending me smiles on Friendster, 'Ni hao!' To a sexy frenchman I know, 'Bonjour!' Since I can't speak french I'll let some funky music do the talking. 'Zdravstvuite!' to my boys that know Russian. And dammit to the guy who just sent me another smile on Frienster.....'Konichiwa bitches!' Nick loves you all!
Children, I have been too salty for my own damn good. The month of February was about to do big baby in. Mr. Cohen decided to give me his cold that attacked him after his bday shenanigans. I have done my best to do battle against it by downing Orange juice, Robitussin, more vitamin C, & Airborne in my hot tea everyday. So currently, I'm winning the war that the cold has tried to plague me with. All around work, people have been coughing. On the subway random strangers cough their head off. It seems all over the country people have gotten sick. Which has not aided in my lovely mood. Since I last blogged, I did switch phone companies & got a new phone number so if I don't have yours yet, give it to me. Looking for the right apartment has also come to an abrupt stop. It's not that I am not moving but for right now, it's stagnant. There was a place that I was about to move into but alas my gut ended up being right. Mind you, I will save that story for another blog. A few weeks ago I found myself just feeling too run down & some headaches were becoming a little bothersome. So I called the doctor & spoke with him. His first question was has there been any more seizures? So I was like no & just told him about what I was feeling. Then he got all Dr. Phil for a hot minute or 2 & called me out. He asked what had been going on in my personal life. So I told him about the break up, the looking for a right apartment & work & other things. He then said, "Nick, this is too much stress." Then he said, "What's the one thing that you want most?" I paused for a moment & then immediately said, "I don't want to have to take this medication anymore & I want to be better!" He then said, "Well you're recovery time is going to be slower if you keep letting the stress get you down." It was like when Glinda told Dorothy that she had always had the power to go back to Kansas. I sometimes forget that I am not He-Man & I've just been so excited that things have felt like they had been moving quickly. The Dr reminded me that for many people it takes a long time to recover & as much as I want to get better I have to remember it's a process. It's just hard being that I am stubborn & want things to happen MUCH quicker. In my head I envisioned the scene in Steel Magnolia's where Sally Field has a break down & then if this were a scene on stage Larry could play the part perfect going, "I can run from here to Texas but Nick can't. I wanna know whyyyy?!!! why???!!" (editor's note: Larry this is your big scene, I hope you live for your shout out)
Joking aside, I completely see what the dr is saying. Even my horoscope's have been calling me out telling me to chill the fuck out. Meanwhile, I was like what you know bout me?! Bless my own heart I guess. So to make a long story short & I took the dr's advice. He said do some stuff that you like. Get yourself in a good mood.
I said hey now look around, pick yourself up off the ground
Never give up on the good times, gotta believe in the love you find
(Never give it up no, never give it up no oh oh)
Never give up on the good times, living it up is a state of mind
(Never give it up no, never give it up no oh oh)
Lately, I've been reminiscing about many things. Things just haven't been the same for so long & I've been trying to savor bits & pieces of memories from yesteryear. The saltiness was getting the best of me. So what do you do when you got too much salt in your diet? You add some spice & in my case I needed 5 spices. Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger & Posh. Yes, that's my lot. Last week I saw them at Madison Square Garden & I must say they were awesome. The vibe was all about some Girl Power & even though 10 yrs have passed they were still able to Spice Up My Life. The crowd was made up of tweens, teens, girls in their 20's & plenty of gays. They opened with Spice Up Your Life & went through Stop, Say You'll Be There but my personal favs were Wannabe, Who Do You Think You Are & Viva Forever. Each of the girls did a solo that was on fire but Geri, who has always been my favorite, put the stage on fire for her rendition of It's Raining Men. Mel C had a light show during her one woman I Turn To You. Emma took us back for a 60's vibe for Maybe. Mel B got all whip tastic during Are You Gonna Go My Way & Victoria ate up the camp appeal as she literally did a runway walk to Like A Virgin/Supermodel. Strangely enough, she kept getting the most cheers when she would sing solo. During Mama, they brought out their kids & lil Cruz got the most attention doing head stands & back flips. He was quite the charmer. By the time the show was over, we all left with a smile upon our face & I felt like I was 19 again.
Yes I still remember,
Every whispered word
The touch of your skin, giving life from within
Like a love song that I'd heard
Slipping through our fingers,
Like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved
Has reflections in my mind
Hasta Manana,
Always be mine
Viva forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, like the sun
Live forever,
For the moment
Ever searching for the one
As things change & people move on, its been interesting to see the dynamics in the groups change. Even as I read blogs that I posted last year & think about things that happened over the summer there's no doubt about it. Things are different & what will be will be. There's no going back & the only way to grow is to learn from the past. Which I think I'm doing. Slowly but surely. Which seems to be my unspoken mantra now ever since the tumor. The question of, "When are you going to be able to drink again?" has become almost annoying as "Have you found an apartment yet?" And that's not to make any one feel bad about asking, it has just added to the 'oh my god your guess is as good as mine' as I semi laugh. Like everything else that has happened I just try to remember there is a reason for this. This too shall pass. The other day at lunch I was chatting with a co-worker about work related stuff. My boss told me last week that she is leaving NYC & moving back to LA. So this week I've been trying to finish up certain stuff for her. Last year, I was not at all happy about having to do assistant work & fought it the whole way. Somehow over time I became ok with it. So when she told me she had decided she didn't want to live here anymore, I laughed & thought about how life is weird. Just when I had become ok with being her assistant things were about to change. As I was telling my co-worker who used to help me on work related stuff she then told me that she was going to have to go on leave. She said that she was going to take time off to stay with her mother as she goes through chemo for cancer that she just found out she had. Her mom is 66 & she said she was really worried about her. She said,"My mom has always been so independent & I just don't see how she's going to get through this." With that being said, she told me her mom exclaimed, "This ain't gonna take me down! I will get through this!" It reminded me of me. It also reminded me that there are plenty of other people who have it worse. Either way, she'll be in my prayers.
A week or so ago I was in the middle of the dancefloor getting my dance on when I just happened to see an old friend that I hadn't seen in a long time. He said, "Wow, Nick you look great!" Which was music to my ears & then he brought up something else. He tells me about how he had heard about the break up & I was like yes, it happened but everything will be ok. It was then he said, "Oh don't worry. I'm sure you'll find a new husband before you know it." An interesting comment to make at least to me so I told him that I'm perfectly fine being single. Unfortunately, it's not the first of those comments. For years I remained single & sure having a bf is nice & wonderful BUT I've never understood why people feel that they are not complete unless they have a gf/bf. The other night while out & about I was playing my role of Sober Sister Sally & my friend Jason was getting his drink on. Countless men kept coming up to him trying to get with him & he said, "Geez, when it rains it pours!" I laughed & then said, "Oh bitch eat it up. Besides ain't no one showing me love!" In his drunken state he told me that I was giving out a vibe that says don't talk to me. I was shocked! I am no bitch & if anything I've just been all about dancing & getting my grooves on. He said, "there are plenty of guys checking you out trying to get your attention but you're not having it." I thought about it but it had not really dawned on me. I pondered it for a hot minute while he got his drunken love fest on with a random guy & I thought about the basic principle. Nick from a long time ago probably would have tried to run through a list of men but the Nick now doesn't need that. As I thought about this a guy stopped in front of me & went to grab my crotch as he said, "hey baby!". Now yes, this may be the way some of us say hello but in that moment I pushed his hand away & as cheesey as it may sound I said, "No. my first name ain't baby!" After that & my moment of reflection I got back to doing what I do best. Getting my dance on.
You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that, no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing
The more you try
The less I buy it
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Don't get me wrong, when Valentine's Day came upon me & I realized it was the first time since 04 I was spending it single, I did get a little reminiscent. Like I said, I have been doing a LOT of reflecting on things from the past. But just as slow & steady has become my mantra, the art of balance has been a constant on my mind. If you have Discipline then you can rock the art of balance. So who better to teach me about such things then Ms. Janet Jackson herself. I've been a fan since I was a little kid & when my mom bought the Control record I would spend many a night dancing to Nasty. Later on I would wear the vcr out rewinding the If video so I could get the moves down. There are plenty of times that people have to clear the floor for Ej, Larry & I to get our breakdown on if the Dj plays Alright, Rhythm Nation or All Night. Throb is probably one of my most favorite dance songs EVER & there's not a dancer I know that hasn't been inspired by her in one way or another. I managed to see janet perform twice. Once for the Today show & then a few yrs back at a VERY packed Pier Dance. But, after all that I've never gotten a chance to meet her. That changed last night. During lunch, I stepped out to go to Best Buy to buy the new cd. There were already people lined up waiting to see her. She was doing an in store signing hours & hours later. I assumed there would be no chance of me being able to go later because I still had to go back to work. But the girl told me if I had a wrist band then I would be able to see her. So I said, "PUT IT ON ME!" I came back after work & sure enough it had started to rain. I had no umbarella ella ella eh. (Why this is becoming a current theme in my blogs I have no idea. This blog is not endorsed by Rihanna at all.) So I wrapped my scarf over my head & waited for my friend Russell to get there. Well since he runs on CP time a bitch was mad late so I had to use my socializing skills & become besties with the girl in front of me who just happened to have an umbrella. We chatted & discussed our love over Ms. Janet Damita Jo Jackson. As we waited, Russell finally showed up & we kept getting closer & closer. I had heard horror stories, namely from Vadim, about not being able to see Madonna because she left the signing early. This was not going to be the case for us. Finally, we were inside & I could see her. She was dressed in all black, the same outfit she had while on TRL just a few hrs before. She looked incredibly tiny, rocking some high heel stiletto boots, flawless skin, & a perfect weave! Janet looked HOT. Security was heavy & they said that absolutely no cell phones or any cameras. Damn! Who would believe me when I said I saw her! I had tried to think of a fabulous monologue or anecdote to say to her & then I got there & became speechless. She took the cd booklet & began to sign Love janet. Dammit Nick open your mouth! So I said, "Janet, I've loved you for over 20 years!" She looked up & said, "Awww, well thank you so much for coming." I said, "I wouldn't have missed it." She looked at me right in the eyes & i swear she had a little sparkle & then she smiled & said, "Oooo & you're cute!" Oh my moo! Ms. Jackson told me I was cute! With that, I became speechless again. Yes, flattery will get you anywhere with me LOL even when you're Janet Jackson. Then in my brief moment security whisked me off & I was left with my memory & you know what? Sometimes it IS all about the pleasure principle.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Sometimes It's A Bitch
I don't want to take it anymore
I'll just stay here locked behind the door
Just no time to stop and get away
'Cause I work so hard to make it everyday
It's been said that everyone in NYC is looking for 3 things. A wonderful job, a fabulous apartment & an even more wonderful & fabulous loved one. Most jaded New Yorker's are ok with having 2 out of 3. Hell, most people I know are just striving to get at least 2. So when it appears that you have all 3 sympathy doesn't flow aplenty. In a month's time, I've been pounding pavements & refreshing my Craigslist page to find the brand new hotness! To all my gay boys out there, get your mind out of the gutter. I've not been on M4M or missed connections. I've been doing my best to find an apartment that is best for me. In a perfect world, I would live by myself. But right now it's just not something I can afford in an area I want to live in. Being that I'm trying to keep it in certain area's of Manhattan, this means I need a roommate. On my journey so far I've met some interesting characters. The very first apt I saw was ok. It was back in my old hood of Hell's Kitchen. They say go with what you know right? Like I said, it was ok. Until the guy told me about his 'semi-small' roach & insect problem. He said that since he's rarely at home he doesn't like to clean much & was hoping that the new 'roomie' would help him out with that. Now, I'm not running around with a white glove searching for dust but I also don't want to be eating & having some bugs scurrying across my feet. Dirty Straight Guy spoke of this while I was standing in the kitchen & looking around at empty soda cans lying around & left over food out on the counter top. I'm sure my face did something because then he said, "Well it's ok, I'm not here during the day so I don't see em. It's mainly at night that they come out." All of a sudden I had an image of me getting up in the middle of the night to get some water, turning on the light switch & seeing tons of bugs scurrying around as if I had interrupted their orgy while 'The Freaks Come Out At Night' plays. With that in my head I said, "Thank you for your time. I'll let you know." My next venture took me not too far from where I live now. But the minute I walked in I noticed it was incredibly hot. The girl who lived there I will call Mother Earth. She had tons of little candles lit, which I love, & some ambient music playing. Had I accidentally come to yoga class? I looked at the room which literally felt like the size of a shoe box. I envisioned my wall of cds & trying to get a bed & I just pictured myself being incredibly cramped. Also, I couldn't stop sweating. That's when Mother Earth told me that she didn't believe in Air Conditioners. "Are you serious?" I asked. She then told me about how sweating cleanses the soul & releases toxins from the body. I couldn't help myself so I giggled. Mother Earth was not amused & I felt as if I may get spanked or at least told to lay down in the downward dog position. So I asked, "Summer's here are kind of brutal. Don't you get hot?" "I run a small fan," Mother Earth replied. Hmmmm Mmmmmkyyyy. "Well thanks for showing me the place. I gotta run." A few days later I answered an ad that said Only Gay Men Respond to a Duplex in the East Village. Ok, so I've seen a dirty straight guy & I've seen Mother Earth. Let's check out the fellow gays. I showed up after work one night & not realizing it was going to rain, I had no Umbarella ella ella eh. So this nice older man answered the door. "Get in here young man before you catch cold! Where is your raincoat & umbrella?!" (They didn't go with my ensemble DER!)Instead I said, "I forgot them." Once inside he took me to the 2nd floor & we sat down in the 'common area'. A big fluffy cat ran through my legs & started purring loudly. "Whiskers just LOVES the handsome young ones," he said. Well thank you Whiskers, if you could actually say this to me I may just pee my pants. But back to the room. He wanted me to fill out the application forms which asked basic essential stuff like name & where I live now & when I'm looking to move blah blah. He showed me the room & it was really big for NY standards. I pictured myself being able to fit all my belongings perfectly in it. So we sat at a table & we started discussing things as Whiskers purred lovingly against my legs. He told me that there were 3 guys on each floor & that he stays in the basement with his partner & Whiskers & how he's owned the place for 30 years. He asked why I was leaving my current situation & I told him that my bf & I had broken up & I needed to find a new place to live. 'Oh Jesus, this must be terrible for you' with a quick touch to my knee & then to his heart. "Is this going to be a traumatic experience for you?" Puzzled, I said "No, it's not that at all. We just realized that it was something we needed to do." "Oh so you didn't catch him strung out on Meth & in bed with other men? That would have been terrible!" He gasped. "Ummmm yes that uh would have been," I said. I couldn't help but wonder if I had stumbled across a shelter for abused & battered gay house husbands. He then told me that if I was chosen & if I decided to take the room then I would need to get a new key from him every Friday. Confused I asked why. He then said that he liked to do that in case any one of his tenants got strung out & didn't pay their rent....ha...ha...ha. "What kind of people live here?!" I asked. "Oh, they're fine men. Don't get me wrong. They're in their 20's, 30's, all different kinds of jobs. But, you should just make sure that you lock your door to your room when you leave & things of that nature." Still puzzled, I said, "Well what about when I go to the bathroom? Should my door be locked then?" "Just to be safe, I mean... you never know if roommates are going to bring home random tricks that you won't know. That's why I suggest it, & you wouldn't want any one possibly going into your room to take advantage of you. They could be strung out!" Hmmmmmm mmmmkkkyyy. Just to confirm for myself I asked, "So you give out new keys every week & if I go to the bathroom I should lock the door? Hell, should I keep the door locked even if it's just me here?" "Well unless you would like for Whiskers or me to tuck you in at night," he giggled as he winked at me. Here's where I must say this: In the past few months, I've learned to start trusting my gut feelings more then anything & in this moment my gut feeling said, "Get the Fuck out before Creepy Old Gay Man rapes you. So with that I said, "Well, thank you for taking the time to show me the place......I'll definitely get back to you with an answer." As I went down the stairs to the door Whiskers followed me with a quickness. I couldn't help but think maybe this pussy was screaming to be saved. "Whiskers! You always try to leave with the handsome boys!" COGM replied & then made sure she was away from the door. As I opened the door to leave he said, "Here, have an umbrella. I would hate for you to be stuck in bed all alone with a cold." I said thank you but in my head I thought 'COGM you will never be my umbarella ella ella eh'.
Industry don't pay a price that's fair
All the common people breathing filthy air
Roof caved in on all the simple dreams
And to get ahead your heart starts pumping schemes
I have seen other places & not all places have been bad. There were a couple that were absolutely perfect for me & in my budget & location. Alas, someone else was picked out over me. Can you believe it? I KNOW! I can't either! So I just say to myself that hey, if it's meant to be then it will be for me. With everything, the tumor.... the break up, I've remained positive. Sometimes bad things happen, deal with it & move on. It's not like Jordan & I are at each other's throat's or anything so going home is not miserable by any means. If anything I've realized that NY living wise I've kind of lead a charmed life. I was in Hell's Kitchen for 5 1/2 yrs in a rent stabilized apt paying $400 for a massive room. That is unheard of. Then for the past 2 years I've called Union Square home. The thing is I've seen good apartments, I know they are out there. This past weekend I saw one I really liked & once again I find myself waiting to see if they pick me out of the people they've seen. Once again, I'll just have to wait & see.
I know there's a pot of gold for me
All I got to do is just believe
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
And I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
Yesterday getting on the train to head back home I guess my head was in another place. I was going through my print outs of places I've seen. I re-read all my pluses & minuses on each apartment. Then I noticed right across the track there was an express train. I got up, bag in hand & started to get off. I heard a man yell. But it didn't seem like he was yelling at me. So I crossed the track & got on the express. Once I was at Union Square I got off & made my exit. I then thought about how Vadim had called me right before I got on the train & I figured I would call him back. I reached in my pocket only to realize that my phone was gone. Then it hit me, it must have fell out of my pocket when I was getting off the local train to get on the express train. Then I thought about the man yelling. Dammit! He was yelling for me. I turned around but knew there was no way of getting back to the train, it had already left in that amount of time. So I went to Verizon to see about getting a new one. The guy was really no help, just basically telling me that I should get a new one & then the old one would be disconnected. The catch would be to just sign another 2 year contract. Ah!!!!! More decisions! I couldn't deal at that moment & said that I'll come back. After I got home I thought 'Hey, maybe someone will answer my phone & then give it back to me'. Thats when Vadim apparently tried to call me back & a guy did answer so he called Jordan to let me know. I called from Jordan's phone & a guy with an Indian accent answered. Excited I said, "You have my phone!" "Yes, you left it on the subway & I yelled for you but you kept going." "Well, where are you now?" "I'm in Brooklyn," he said with a matter of fact tone. "So when are you coming back into the city because I need my phone?" I asked & at this point sounding irritated & frantic. "I don't know," he said & then hung up on me. I called back but he wouldn't answer. This made me L I V I D. So after dealing with Verizon once again, I had all calls blocked & reported that my phone was stolen. I also figured I would give him a day to do the right thing but as I sit here & try again, I'm understanding that he's an utter asshole & he's decided to keep my phone. So when I leave work in a little bit, I will be canceling my service & I think I will go to AT&T. Verizon was basically no help to me & at least with AT&T I could get rollover minutes. And hey, this is just continuing my way of starting anew. I want a new phone, a new number & dammit.... a new place to live. As for the guy who's taken my phone....I hope you die. I realize this is really harsh but, in the past 24 hrs I've had a mini breakdown. During this my head started hurting & right in the place that they cut into & in that moment I got really mad. I had never wanted a drink in my life so bad. I just couldn't shake the feeling of why me? But you know what, even good guys get the blues sometimes so I think it's ok if I say a few mean things. I'm sure I'll feel bad about it at another time. And in my head I hear Shuley's voice saying, "You're the only person I know that can fall in a pile of shit & somehow come out smelling like a rose." So that's how I'll end it. Thank you Shuley for that thought. It's put a smile upon my face & that I will be good is all I can hope for right now.
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer KING
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
I'll just stay here locked behind the door
Just no time to stop and get away
'Cause I work so hard to make it everyday
It's been said that everyone in NYC is looking for 3 things. A wonderful job, a fabulous apartment & an even more wonderful & fabulous loved one. Most jaded New Yorker's are ok with having 2 out of 3. Hell, most people I know are just striving to get at least 2. So when it appears that you have all 3 sympathy doesn't flow aplenty. In a month's time, I've been pounding pavements & refreshing my Craigslist page to find the brand new hotness! To all my gay boys out there, get your mind out of the gutter. I've not been on M4M or missed connections. I've been doing my best to find an apartment that is best for me. In a perfect world, I would live by myself. But right now it's just not something I can afford in an area I want to live in. Being that I'm trying to keep it in certain area's of Manhattan, this means I need a roommate. On my journey so far I've met some interesting characters. The very first apt I saw was ok. It was back in my old hood of Hell's Kitchen. They say go with what you know right? Like I said, it was ok. Until the guy told me about his 'semi-small' roach & insect problem. He said that since he's rarely at home he doesn't like to clean much & was hoping that the new 'roomie' would help him out with that. Now, I'm not running around with a white glove searching for dust but I also don't want to be eating & having some bugs scurrying across my feet. Dirty Straight Guy spoke of this while I was standing in the kitchen & looking around at empty soda cans lying around & left over food out on the counter top. I'm sure my face did something because then he said, "Well it's ok, I'm not here during the day so I don't see em. It's mainly at night that they come out." All of a sudden I had an image of me getting up in the middle of the night to get some water, turning on the light switch & seeing tons of bugs scurrying around as if I had interrupted their orgy while 'The Freaks Come Out At Night' plays. With that in my head I said, "Thank you for your time. I'll let you know." My next venture took me not too far from where I live now. But the minute I walked in I noticed it was incredibly hot. The girl who lived there I will call Mother Earth. She had tons of little candles lit, which I love, & some ambient music playing. Had I accidentally come to yoga class? I looked at the room which literally felt like the size of a shoe box. I envisioned my wall of cds & trying to get a bed & I just pictured myself being incredibly cramped. Also, I couldn't stop sweating. That's when Mother Earth told me that she didn't believe in Air Conditioners. "Are you serious?" I asked. She then told me about how sweating cleanses the soul & releases toxins from the body. I couldn't help myself so I giggled. Mother Earth was not amused & I felt as if I may get spanked or at least told to lay down in the downward dog position. So I asked, "Summer's here are kind of brutal. Don't you get hot?" "I run a small fan," Mother Earth replied. Hmmmm Mmmmmkyyyy. "Well thanks for showing me the place. I gotta run." A few days later I answered an ad that said Only Gay Men Respond to a Duplex in the East Village. Ok, so I've seen a dirty straight guy & I've seen Mother Earth. Let's check out the fellow gays. I showed up after work one night & not realizing it was going to rain, I had no Umbarella ella ella eh. So this nice older man answered the door. "Get in here young man before you catch cold! Where is your raincoat & umbrella?!" (They didn't go with my ensemble DER!)Instead I said, "I forgot them." Once inside he took me to the 2nd floor & we sat down in the 'common area'. A big fluffy cat ran through my legs & started purring loudly. "Whiskers just LOVES the handsome young ones," he said. Well thank you Whiskers, if you could actually say this to me I may just pee my pants. But back to the room. He wanted me to fill out the application forms which asked basic essential stuff like name & where I live now & when I'm looking to move blah blah. He showed me the room & it was really big for NY standards. I pictured myself being able to fit all my belongings perfectly in it. So we sat at a table & we started discussing things as Whiskers purred lovingly against my legs. He told me that there were 3 guys on each floor & that he stays in the basement with his partner & Whiskers & how he's owned the place for 30 years. He asked why I was leaving my current situation & I told him that my bf & I had broken up & I needed to find a new place to live. 'Oh Jesus, this must be terrible for you' with a quick touch to my knee & then to his heart. "Is this going to be a traumatic experience for you?" Puzzled, I said "No, it's not that at all. We just realized that it was something we needed to do." "Oh so you didn't catch him strung out on Meth & in bed with other men? That would have been terrible!" He gasped. "Ummmm yes that uh would have been," I said. I couldn't help but wonder if I had stumbled across a shelter for abused & battered gay house husbands. He then told me that if I was chosen & if I decided to take the room then I would need to get a new key from him every Friday. Confused I asked why. He then said that he liked to do that in case any one of his tenants got strung out & didn't pay their rent....ha...ha...ha. "What kind of people live here?!" I asked. "Oh, they're fine men. Don't get me wrong. They're in their 20's, 30's, all different kinds of jobs. But, you should just make sure that you lock your door to your room when you leave & things of that nature." Still puzzled, I said, "Well what about when I go to the bathroom? Should my door be locked then?" "Just to be safe, I mean... you never know if roommates are going to bring home random tricks that you won't know. That's why I suggest it, & you wouldn't want any one possibly going into your room to take advantage of you. They could be strung out!" Hmmmmmm mmmmkkkyyy. Just to confirm for myself I asked, "So you give out new keys every week & if I go to the bathroom I should lock the door? Hell, should I keep the door locked even if it's just me here?" "Well unless you would like for Whiskers or me to tuck you in at night," he giggled as he winked at me. Here's where I must say this: In the past few months, I've learned to start trusting my gut feelings more then anything & in this moment my gut feeling said, "Get the Fuck out before Creepy Old Gay Man rapes you. So with that I said, "Well, thank you for taking the time to show me the place......I'll definitely get back to you with an answer." As I went down the stairs to the door Whiskers followed me with a quickness. I couldn't help but think maybe this pussy was screaming to be saved. "Whiskers! You always try to leave with the handsome boys!" COGM replied & then made sure she was away from the door. As I opened the door to leave he said, "Here, have an umbrella. I would hate for you to be stuck in bed all alone with a cold." I said thank you but in my head I thought 'COGM you will never be my umbarella ella ella eh'.
Industry don't pay a price that's fair
All the common people breathing filthy air
Roof caved in on all the simple dreams
And to get ahead your heart starts pumping schemes
I have seen other places & not all places have been bad. There were a couple that were absolutely perfect for me & in my budget & location. Alas, someone else was picked out over me. Can you believe it? I KNOW! I can't either! So I just say to myself that hey, if it's meant to be then it will be for me. With everything, the tumor.... the break up, I've remained positive. Sometimes bad things happen, deal with it & move on. It's not like Jordan & I are at each other's throat's or anything so going home is not miserable by any means. If anything I've realized that NY living wise I've kind of lead a charmed life. I was in Hell's Kitchen for 5 1/2 yrs in a rent stabilized apt paying $400 for a massive room. That is unheard of. Then for the past 2 years I've called Union Square home. The thing is I've seen good apartments, I know they are out there. This past weekend I saw one I really liked & once again I find myself waiting to see if they pick me out of the people they've seen. Once again, I'll just have to wait & see.
I know there's a pot of gold for me
All I got to do is just believe
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
And I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
Yesterday getting on the train to head back home I guess my head was in another place. I was going through my print outs of places I've seen. I re-read all my pluses & minuses on each apartment. Then I noticed right across the track there was an express train. I got up, bag in hand & started to get off. I heard a man yell. But it didn't seem like he was yelling at me. So I crossed the track & got on the express. Once I was at Union Square I got off & made my exit. I then thought about how Vadim had called me right before I got on the train & I figured I would call him back. I reached in my pocket only to realize that my phone was gone. Then it hit me, it must have fell out of my pocket when I was getting off the local train to get on the express train. Then I thought about the man yelling. Dammit! He was yelling for me. I turned around but knew there was no way of getting back to the train, it had already left in that amount of time. So I went to Verizon to see about getting a new one. The guy was really no help, just basically telling me that I should get a new one & then the old one would be disconnected. The catch would be to just sign another 2 year contract. Ah!!!!! More decisions! I couldn't deal at that moment & said that I'll come back. After I got home I thought 'Hey, maybe someone will answer my phone & then give it back to me'. Thats when Vadim apparently tried to call me back & a guy did answer so he called Jordan to let me know. I called from Jordan's phone & a guy with an Indian accent answered. Excited I said, "You have my phone!" "Yes, you left it on the subway & I yelled for you but you kept going." "Well, where are you now?" "I'm in Brooklyn," he said with a matter of fact tone. "So when are you coming back into the city because I need my phone?" I asked & at this point sounding irritated & frantic. "I don't know," he said & then hung up on me. I called back but he wouldn't answer. This made me L I V I D. So after dealing with Verizon once again, I had all calls blocked & reported that my phone was stolen. I also figured I would give him a day to do the right thing but as I sit here & try again, I'm understanding that he's an utter asshole & he's decided to keep my phone. So when I leave work in a little bit, I will be canceling my service & I think I will go to AT&T. Verizon was basically no help to me & at least with AT&T I could get rollover minutes. And hey, this is just continuing my way of starting anew. I want a new phone, a new number & dammit.... a new place to live. As for the guy who's taken my phone....I hope you die. I realize this is really harsh but, in the past 24 hrs I've had a mini breakdown. During this my head started hurting & right in the place that they cut into & in that moment I got really mad. I had never wanted a drink in my life so bad. I just couldn't shake the feeling of why me? But you know what, even good guys get the blues sometimes so I think it's ok if I say a few mean things. I'm sure I'll feel bad about it at another time. And in my head I hear Shuley's voice saying, "You're the only person I know that can fall in a pile of shit & somehow come out smelling like a rose." So that's how I'll end it. Thank you Shuley for that thought. It's put a smile upon my face & that I will be good is all I can hope for right now.
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer KING
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Sober But Still Amazing
It was sometime last year, Vadim & I were discussing getting drizz. We were like, "OMG, can you imagine going out sober? That must be NO fun. What would you do if you couldn't drink?" We both were like, "EH! I'd probably stop going out since going out sober would be no fun!" I'd had this kind of conversation before. With Rob, Tom, now that I think of it.....most of my friends. We all wondered how did Ej do it? My friend Ej has never had a drop of alcohol. Ever. I'm not kidding. Nada. He's going to be 30 this Wednesday (HAPPY BDAY MATE!) & still no alcohol, ever. It's crazy right? I think about all the drunken times I've had when he was around & I wonder, "Ej, how did you deal?" Flash forward to now......someone has a cruel sense of humor.
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
Last week, I had my follow up MRI. The one to see how everything was going with my head. The doctor had said that I was getting better so quickly. He even said that if everything looked right on my results, they would start to taper me off of my medication or take me off of it completely. So yesterday when I was waiting for him to call, I was all kinds of nervous. Having the MRI done slightly freaks me out because it's like being in a coffin. Or at least that's how I feel. So when my cell phone rang & I saw it was his number I answered with a quickness. With slight hesitation he said, "So, I got the results from your MRI. The news is not bad. There's a couple of places where the cysts used to be so it's very possible that it's just what's left over from surgery." I wasn't really sure what to think so I asked, "Is this something I need to be worried about?" He said, "No. But just to be safe, we'll need to do another MRI in a few months." "So, does this mean I'm going to have to stay on my medication?" I asked. "Just to be safe, yes you should." This wasn't the news I was hoping for. I was hoping that everything would be 100% better. It's by no means terrible, let me say that. I had fears that he would tell me that there was still a tumor or cysts had grown back & that they would have to go in again. So it was good to hear that that had not happenned. I guess I was just hoping that I was fully better. I have made sure to do everything they told me. I've always taken the medication on time. I've made sure to not fuck up at all. It's not the easiest to go to work funtions or parties where people know you're drink of choice & know you can down em with the best of em. "No thanks, I really can't. You have it for me." It's not easy when your best friend in NC send you camera phone pics of drinks that you can't have. Yes Shuley, I'm calling you out. I've also found that it isn't easy being around your friends when they get beligerantly drunk. I will say no names because you know who you are mmmhmm. But it's ok, if I was to hate you I'd have to hate myself as well. I realize that I've played the party boy persona for so long that that IS what I'm known for. Hell, the day after New Years Eve I called my mom to say hi & she asked what I had done. I told her that a few people came over & that was about it. She goes, "You didn't drink anything did you?!" To have my own mother not trust my ability to just say no was kind of sad. If anything, I've somehow become the perfect model for how to go out & still have fun. And I'm not the only one in this crusade. My best friend Larry decided that until I can drink again, he will not drink either. Vadim even decided that he won't drink either. He's decided that he will choose when he is going to drink. Mind you, he did fall off the wagon once.....but hey! No one is perfect. Look at Lindsay Lohan. Each day is a struggle haha. It must be said that I didn't ask anyone to do this, but it also must be said that I am happy to know that I'm not on this journey alone. To also hear everyone tell me how great I look has definitely been a high point. The other night, Jason said, "Hey! maybe you've found something good with this whole not being able to drink thing because you look hot."
Everyone says you're amazing now that you're clean
Only you know who the real ones are cause you've seen
There's only one question I want to ask is it healing
When you hear everyone say you're amazing
Does anybody ask you?
I've even found myself answering that question of being able to go out sober. I've realized I can. I can even dance until 5 am (as long as the music's good). This isn't happenning as much as it used to though. I've found that New York City Nightlife is definitely not the same. Before, there were so many choices of where to go out. There was dancing galore! It's not the case now. My friend Scott, who is still considered a newbie, keeps hearing about it from all of us. He came out a little late in life & it's sad because I feel like he missed out on all the fun & good times. 'Back in the day' every weekend was like being out for the first time. In the words of Deborah Cox, "Thing's just ain't the same." I guess every generation feels that way. Each decade you hear about this & that. The 70's gave us Disco & Studio 54. The 80's was all about coke & yuppies & the 'me' generation. The 90's found a resurgence in clubland & then it was dead again. Now, it's the same with this one. I guess all good things really do come to an end. Which is where I found myself a week ago. After a relationship that was a few months shy of 3 years, Jordan & I decided that we should break up.
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
I'll not discuss this in major detail because it's mine & his to deal with. Break ups are never easy. Especially when you put time & effort & love into it. Something that I know we both did. What I will say is that I think we tried our best to make it work. But sometimes, things just don't work out the way you want them to. I don't look at this as a failure at all. After having my tumor in October I realized that there were a lot of things that I need to take care of. I stated before that it taught me about not taking anything for granted. Time is not always on our side. So, if I found myself unhappy with current situations.... then I have to look within myself in order to fix it.
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
In the past few months or so I've been seeing those hints of a Nick from days long ago. Someone who I hadn't visited in quite some time. He was still there, but just underneath the surface. Needless to say, I've missed him & I'm glad he's back. The guy who could get it on the dancefloor until all hours of the night while managing to be completely sober. The guy who actually had focus on a career & what he wanted to do in his life. The guy who said, "I managed to get this far. Let's see what I can do now." The guy who did what he wanted to do without answering to anyone. I don't regret anything that's happenned in my life. Everythinng that's happenned to me, I've learned something from. I can only look forward & just remain positive. I feel like I've got a plan now so to quote Larry, "Work that." His birthday is Wednesday as well so lemme end it in saying, "Happy Bday boo! This year is the time to shine."
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
Last week, I had my follow up MRI. The one to see how everything was going with my head. The doctor had said that I was getting better so quickly. He even said that if everything looked right on my results, they would start to taper me off of my medication or take me off of it completely. So yesterday when I was waiting for him to call, I was all kinds of nervous. Having the MRI done slightly freaks me out because it's like being in a coffin. Or at least that's how I feel. So when my cell phone rang & I saw it was his number I answered with a quickness. With slight hesitation he said, "So, I got the results from your MRI. The news is not bad. There's a couple of places where the cysts used to be so it's very possible that it's just what's left over from surgery." I wasn't really sure what to think so I asked, "Is this something I need to be worried about?" He said, "No. But just to be safe, we'll need to do another MRI in a few months." "So, does this mean I'm going to have to stay on my medication?" I asked. "Just to be safe, yes you should." This wasn't the news I was hoping for. I was hoping that everything would be 100% better. It's by no means terrible, let me say that. I had fears that he would tell me that there was still a tumor or cysts had grown back & that they would have to go in again. So it was good to hear that that had not happenned. I guess I was just hoping that I was fully better. I have made sure to do everything they told me. I've always taken the medication on time. I've made sure to not fuck up at all. It's not the easiest to go to work funtions or parties where people know you're drink of choice & know you can down em with the best of em. "No thanks, I really can't. You have it for me." It's not easy when your best friend in NC send you camera phone pics of drinks that you can't have. Yes Shuley, I'm calling you out. I've also found that it isn't easy being around your friends when they get beligerantly drunk. I will say no names because you know who you are mmmhmm. But it's ok, if I was to hate you I'd have to hate myself as well. I realize that I've played the party boy persona for so long that that IS what I'm known for. Hell, the day after New Years Eve I called my mom to say hi & she asked what I had done. I told her that a few people came over & that was about it. She goes, "You didn't drink anything did you?!" To have my own mother not trust my ability to just say no was kind of sad. If anything, I've somehow become the perfect model for how to go out & still have fun. And I'm not the only one in this crusade. My best friend Larry decided that until I can drink again, he will not drink either. Vadim even decided that he won't drink either. He's decided that he will choose when he is going to drink. Mind you, he did fall off the wagon once.....but hey! No one is perfect. Look at Lindsay Lohan. Each day is a struggle haha. It must be said that I didn't ask anyone to do this, but it also must be said that I am happy to know that I'm not on this journey alone. To also hear everyone tell me how great I look has definitely been a high point. The other night, Jason said, "Hey! maybe you've found something good with this whole not being able to drink thing because you look hot."
Everyone says you're amazing now that you're clean
Only you know who the real ones are cause you've seen
There's only one question I want to ask is it healing
When you hear everyone say you're amazing
Does anybody ask you?
I've even found myself answering that question of being able to go out sober. I've realized I can. I can even dance until 5 am (as long as the music's good). This isn't happenning as much as it used to though. I've found that New York City Nightlife is definitely not the same. Before, there were so many choices of where to go out. There was dancing galore! It's not the case now. My friend Scott, who is still considered a newbie, keeps hearing about it from all of us. He came out a little late in life & it's sad because I feel like he missed out on all the fun & good times. 'Back in the day' every weekend was like being out for the first time. In the words of Deborah Cox, "Thing's just ain't the same." I guess every generation feels that way. Each decade you hear about this & that. The 70's gave us Disco & Studio 54. The 80's was all about coke & yuppies & the 'me' generation. The 90's found a resurgence in clubland & then it was dead again. Now, it's the same with this one. I guess all good things really do come to an end. Which is where I found myself a week ago. After a relationship that was a few months shy of 3 years, Jordan & I decided that we should break up.
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
I'll not discuss this in major detail because it's mine & his to deal with. Break ups are never easy. Especially when you put time & effort & love into it. Something that I know we both did. What I will say is that I think we tried our best to make it work. But sometimes, things just don't work out the way you want them to. I don't look at this as a failure at all. After having my tumor in October I realized that there were a lot of things that I need to take care of. I stated before that it taught me about not taking anything for granted. Time is not always on our side. So, if I found myself unhappy with current situations.... then I have to look within myself in order to fix it.
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
In the past few months or so I've been seeing those hints of a Nick from days long ago. Someone who I hadn't visited in quite some time. He was still there, but just underneath the surface. Needless to say, I've missed him & I'm glad he's back. The guy who could get it on the dancefloor until all hours of the night while managing to be completely sober. The guy who actually had focus on a career & what he wanted to do in his life. The guy who said, "I managed to get this far. Let's see what I can do now." The guy who did what he wanted to do without answering to anyone. I don't regret anything that's happenned in my life. Everythinng that's happenned to me, I've learned something from. I can only look forward & just remain positive. I feel like I've got a plan now so to quote Larry, "Work that." His birthday is Wednesday as well so lemme end it in saying, "Happy Bday boo! This year is the time to shine."
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Friday, January 4, 2008
Coming Out Of The Dark Because Today The Sun's On Us
First things first, let me say Happy New Year! I meant to blog a while ago. The holidays came with a quickness. Even back to Thanksgiving. I meant to discuss my mom & my younger sister's visit & how I got to see NY through tourists' eyes again. I went to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade because my mom had always wanted to see it. Turns out the weather was absolutley perfect. I've avoided going every year because it's normally freezing. But, being that this time it wasn't I got my ass up early in the a.m. so my mom & sis could have a good spot to see everything clearly. That being done, I don't ever need to go again. That being said, I'll probbaly be there every year now. It was my first time spending Thanskgiving with my mom since the 90's. For years I've had a tradition of spending it with Larry who cooks a mean ass bird & a few friends who are around. So I had some slight trepidation when my mom said she was coming. Fear struck me that there would be family fights like how it used to be. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to not be my family that caused me grief. All in all everything turned out ok. All is forgiven but all will definitely not be forgotten. My mom & sister seemed to have a good time & my mom has fallen in love with NYC. I was even wondering if she may come for Christmas. Which literally popped up out of nowhere. Basically, it was mellow which is what I was glad for. Had some dinner the night before with Jordan, Larry, Scott & a few other people. Gifts were exchanged & things were good. Basically low key which is exactly what I wanted.
The past 2 months have been all about me trying to get better. The whole month of November I wore a hat to work. Feeling self conscious about the scar & how I hated my buzzed head didn't help. I'm telling ya, it's not meant for me to be hairless, my head doesn't seem shaped right for it. Also, making things worse was one of the medications I had to take. Remember me talking about how I was eating way more then I ever had before? As it turns out, the pills had steroids in them. Which was what I needed so there would be no swelling of my brain. But the side effects were not kind. Random headaches, skin irritations & gaining 15 lbs was NOT on my agenda. After telling the dr about such effects he said, "Oh, you should stop taking these." I was like gee thanks. So off to the gym I went to do battle against the bulge. It was a sad thing for me when I couldn't even properly fit into my work pants. It's also one thing to know something is different but when other's notice is quite another. One lady at work, who I'm pretty sure had no clue of what happened to me, said that she thought I looked better slimmer. The same lady went wizzing by me the day I stopped wearing a hat to work & said, "Oh! Another new color! I love how you change it all the time." Now here's the thing about changing your appearance often. I think my mom said it best when she looked at me & said, "Opinions are like asshole's, everybody's got one." As a child I often got upset about my hair color. So many kids at school would make fun of it because it was different. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Although, little old ladies seemed to love it & always asked my mom if she dyed my hair. Precious I know & being adored by little old ladies was not on my agenda as a 7 yr old. Later on in life, I began to appreciate that no one had my color & loved the fact that I was different. Then many years ago I began to dabble in hair color changes & like I said everyone had an opinion about whether it looked good or not. So recently, when I started rocking the new hair that I haven't seen in ages I've been taking the bad with the good. Some guys at work said, "Damn! Nick I didn't realize your hair was red. Even though its not red.....what color is that?" "Auburn, you know a brownish reddish color," I replied. "Oh Snap! I was just ragging on my friend for having red hair!" Hmmmm, gee thanks. Then at a work function, precious, sweet & wonderful little old lady Joan says, "Nick, is this your natural hair color? I love it!" Once again, Old Ladies Love Cool Nick (OLLCool Nick). A lot of the responses have been good. One day at the gym though, I was trying to get my work out accomplished when some one decided to stop me. One of those guys I know from the gym & I've known for years but unfortunately can not remember his name. HI!!!!! he yells forcing me to take off my headphones. "I HAVE to know, why did you chop off all your fabalous hair? You look better & happier as a blonde. Now there is no trace of it. You didn't even leave some highlights. Now it's just too red. What happenned, you just didn't want it anymore?" Pausing, I stood there & looked at him. I thought about how the hell am I supposed to look happy while I'm lifting weights? Instead I chose the truth. "I had a brain tumor & it had to be removed. That's why I now have no hair & this color is what is growing in." Then with the gayest voice I've ever heard he said, "Ohhhh." So like I said, I'll take the bad with the good. And as Vadim would say, "What's hair is hair."
New Years Eve came & went & I had a very nice but relaxing time. A few people came over & I deejayed a bit playing some of my favorite jams of the year. By 2:30 I was about to go to bed. What I enjoyed most was the week & a half off I had from work. Sleeping in everyday was wonderful. The past few days has been incredibly hard to get my ass out of bed. At least today is Friday. The weather has been exceptionally cold but next week is supposed to be better. It's hard to believe it's 2008 but honestly I'm glad 2007 is over. There were plenty of good times & I did my best to kick the bad times ass. It's still a fight & I have a lot of plans for myself. I've been coming out of the dark & I'm finally ready. One thing at a time, slow & steady. I'll try to tackle them with style & grace. With a bit of saltyness I may even do this with a smile upon my face. One thing's for sure. This year I plan on blogging a LOT more.
There's no rain, there's no storm
Though the blue sky makes you wonder
Don't you fear what will come
Will come
And right now we're in the sun
Sure enough, seasons change
But don't let today get lost
'Cause today the sun's on us
Today the sun's on us
The past 2 months have been all about me trying to get better. The whole month of November I wore a hat to work. Feeling self conscious about the scar & how I hated my buzzed head didn't help. I'm telling ya, it's not meant for me to be hairless, my head doesn't seem shaped right for it. Also, making things worse was one of the medications I had to take. Remember me talking about how I was eating way more then I ever had before? As it turns out, the pills had steroids in them. Which was what I needed so there would be no swelling of my brain. But the side effects were not kind. Random headaches, skin irritations & gaining 15 lbs was NOT on my agenda. After telling the dr about such effects he said, "Oh, you should stop taking these." I was like gee thanks. So off to the gym I went to do battle against the bulge. It was a sad thing for me when I couldn't even properly fit into my work pants. It's also one thing to know something is different but when other's notice is quite another. One lady at work, who I'm pretty sure had no clue of what happened to me, said that she thought I looked better slimmer. The same lady went wizzing by me the day I stopped wearing a hat to work & said, "Oh! Another new color! I love how you change it all the time." Now here's the thing about changing your appearance often. I think my mom said it best when she looked at me & said, "Opinions are like asshole's, everybody's got one." As a child I often got upset about my hair color. So many kids at school would make fun of it because it was different. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Although, little old ladies seemed to love it & always asked my mom if she dyed my hair. Precious I know & being adored by little old ladies was not on my agenda as a 7 yr old. Later on in life, I began to appreciate that no one had my color & loved the fact that I was different. Then many years ago I began to dabble in hair color changes & like I said everyone had an opinion about whether it looked good or not. So recently, when I started rocking the new hair that I haven't seen in ages I've been taking the bad with the good. Some guys at work said, "Damn! Nick I didn't realize your hair was red. Even though its not red.....what color is that?" "Auburn, you know a brownish reddish color," I replied. "Oh Snap! I was just ragging on my friend for having red hair!" Hmmmm, gee thanks. Then at a work function, precious, sweet & wonderful little old lady Joan says, "Nick, is this your natural hair color? I love it!" Once again, Old Ladies Love Cool Nick (OLLCool Nick). A lot of the responses have been good. One day at the gym though, I was trying to get my work out accomplished when some one decided to stop me. One of those guys I know from the gym & I've known for years but unfortunately can not remember his name. HI!!!!! he yells forcing me to take off my headphones. "I HAVE to know, why did you chop off all your fabalous hair? You look better & happier as a blonde. Now there is no trace of it. You didn't even leave some highlights. Now it's just too red. What happenned, you just didn't want it anymore?" Pausing, I stood there & looked at him. I thought about how the hell am I supposed to look happy while I'm lifting weights? Instead I chose the truth. "I had a brain tumor & it had to be removed. That's why I now have no hair & this color is what is growing in." Then with the gayest voice I've ever heard he said, "Ohhhh." So like I said, I'll take the bad with the good. And as Vadim would say, "What's hair is hair."
New Years Eve came & went & I had a very nice but relaxing time. A few people came over & I deejayed a bit playing some of my favorite jams of the year. By 2:30 I was about to go to bed. What I enjoyed most was the week & a half off I had from work. Sleeping in everyday was wonderful. The past few days has been incredibly hard to get my ass out of bed. At least today is Friday. The weather has been exceptionally cold but next week is supposed to be better. It's hard to believe it's 2008 but honestly I'm glad 2007 is over. There were plenty of good times & I did my best to kick the bad times ass. It's still a fight & I have a lot of plans for myself. I've been coming out of the dark & I'm finally ready. One thing at a time, slow & steady. I'll try to tackle them with style & grace. With a bit of saltyness I may even do this with a smile upon my face. One thing's for sure. This year I plan on blogging a LOT more.
There's no rain, there's no storm
Though the blue sky makes you wonder
Don't you fear what will come
Will come
And right now we're in the sun
Sure enough, seasons change
But don't let today get lost
'Cause today the sun's on us
Today the sun's on us
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
An Unfinished Life
Friends, Myspacers, Fans......what can I say? Its been a long, long time. This is actually the longest I've ever gone without blogging something about my life since I started a few years ago. My last one was right after my Bday extravaganza. Since then, there have been tons of stuff that has gone down but somehow I was just blah about writing anything about it. Oddly enough it started to feel redundant. Writing about the same ol same ol. I had no idea how spot on I would end up being about all these thoughts. Thats the funny thing about life I guess. It can literally change in the blink of an eye & then leave you wondering what the hell happenned. Thats the only way I can explain what happenned to me in the middle of October.
Oct 14, Sunday night was like any other Sunday night I had had before. The weekend had not been fun. The night before was spent taking a friend to the hospital due to a very unfortunate overdose. I won't go into detail about that because its not my place to talk about. But, it did bring up a lot of thoughts I had about what had happenned in my own life. Lessons learned & what not. So I spent that Sunday night watching Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters & having some Chinese food with Jordan. I had even thought about having a few glasses of wine since it had been such a dramatic weekend. But then I decided oh what the hell, no need. Then it was time for bed. I wanted to make sure I had enough rest for work the next day because expense reports would be screaming for me. But around 3ish in the morning my whole life changed. I woke up to see Jordan frantic & a bunch of EMT people around me. I also felt an incredible pain in my shoulder. Then I realized it was dislocated. What I had not known was that I had apparently woken Jordan by having a seizure in my sleep. So off to the hospital I was taken. The one where I had just been the night before. All I could think is, "Well I'll be damned. I was just saying I didn't even want to be here in the first place."
Once they popped my shoulder back in place it was clear that the work was not finished. Now it was time for tests to see what had brought on the seizure. As a child I would get them every winter & according to everyone in my family they were incredibly scary to witness. I have no memory of them but I do know that I grew out of them by the time I reached school. As far as I knew I was ok. 10 yrs ago was the first time I dislocated my shoulder in my sleep. For years since thats been a very aggravating way for me to dislocate it. For years now I've just assumed that I'm a terrible sleeper. There would be nights when I would sleep with pillows on either side of me in case I rolled over wrong. On Tuesday the 16th was the day when I got the answers about my EEG, MRI & CAT scans. The dr showed me the Xrays of my head which then showed that there was a tumor on my brain which in turn had 2 small cysts on either side. My best friend Larry had decided to come see me while he was on his lunch break from work. Of all people that were there for the news I am glad it was him. Since he's seen me cry before it felt ok. Its hard to say what goes through your head when something like this is shown & told to you. I think I went through a small state of shock. For years I had always had a fear that I would not live to grow old. But in this moment I was absolutely terrified that maybe this whole time I was right. Luckily, the dr was there to tell me otherwise. They weren't sure what kind of tumor it was but they knew that they needed to get it out. He said it was a routine procedure & seemed really hopeful that everything would be ok. I don't know that I thought 'why me?' or any of that usual but if anything after my tears were shed all I could think is 'I can either be sad & wallow or I can say screw this......lets kick this tumor's ass.'
The next few days was spent having all my friends come & visit. I have always been blessed with having the most loving friends. Its no secret that I don't see my family much so I was very thankful to know that I can count on my friends to be there when I need them. What was hard was seeing what happenned to each of them regarding this news. We all handle things in our own way. I saw it in all fashions. Some were being strong on the outside for me I think. Some weren't dealing & some would just start to cry as soon as they saw me. When this happens I go into automatic Nick mode & I end up being the one saying, "Everything's gonna be alright." It was like when my grandmother was dying & I saw what it was doing to my family. At the time, I found myself thinking that someone needs to be strong so it my as well be me. During this week I also saw my mom & my aunt. My aunt flew up from South Carolina & being that my mom doesn't like the thought of flying she took the bus. Now it must be noted that my mom has never been to NYC & I've lived here for 7 1/2 years. So I guess it took getting a brain tumor... but like all other things in my life I guess I had to take the dramatic approach in order to get it done. The next few days were basically spent just preparing for surgery. It was originally gonna take place on the following Tuesday but the dr's decided that Friday the 19th would be the day. Looking back its like everything happenned so fast that I don't even know if I digested half of the information that was being given to me. So on Friday I was as ready as one could be. I told everyone 'I'll see you soon' & then I was wheeled off. The dr's explained to me what was going to happen & I had complete faith in them. Not to say I wasn't nervous but when the Dr asked if I was ready all I could think to say was, "Well, just make sure you wash your hands." He laughed & then told me to start counting back from 10. I took a deep breath & closed my eyes. "Ten.........Nine........Eight............"
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My next memory is being wheeled out & seeing my mom, Myleah, Jordan & Tom all smiling. My head was slightly hurting & I was feeling really tired. The only words that could come out of my mouth were, "Hi Mom, Hi Tom." It rhymed so what else could I say? My aunt had then said something trying to be funny to which I responded, "I'm not in the mood for jokes right now." Then I was out again. I was taken to ICU which is where I was going to be for 2 days. I woke up sometime in the midst of the night. Visiting hours had been over for a while & I was told that everyone had been told to go home. Things were highly different in ICU then on my normal floor. The nurses only talk to you when you need something or if they need to stick you with something. I've heard that you're not suppose to get close to patients so I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. But I did manage to get one nurse to talk to me. She would be really nice & feed me ice chips & she even made a phone call to Jordan to let him know I was ok. Which is what I was until about 4 in the morning. I was barely sleeping when all of a sudden I heard a beep beep beep coming from a machine that was hooked up to me. Another nurse came rushing in & looked at it, then me. This alarmed me so I asked what was wrong. She said, "Oh its fine. You apparently stopped breathing while you were sleeping. Its ok, its just sleep apnea." And off she goes. Now if I had known what that was then maybe I would not have freaked out. But instead it had me afraid to sleep for fear I may not wake up. So I looked at the time & I knew that I could have visitor's at 11 am. So I sat there for 7 hours awake, not really being able to move. Basically just me & my thoughts. I thought about my life up until this point & I thought about all that I've accomplished & all that I haven't. I thought once I was able to... this was gonna make one helluva blog. And being that I then got myself in impatient Nick mode I thought, "I'm suppose to be in here for 2 days? Oh hell to the no!" I then started feeling like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill when she was looking at her feet & she just kept saying, "Wiggle your big toe." So I started working on that. The nurses had been coming in asking me to lift my right hand to my left ear & at first I was confused & did the wrong one. But once I started thinking about it everything was working much better. Originally it was planned that I was going to be in ICU for 2 days. I was out in less then 24 hrs.
I was then taken back to my old room. I had gotten kind of used to my neighbor Mr. Kelly. An elderly man that had been there for months. Somehow he still had his pep. I think it invigorated him by me having a lot of people from time to time. Which is a good thing because I was nervous that he may become cranky. He had made me laugh because at one point he was talking to someone on the phone & was telling them about my visitors. He said, "Yes he must really be loved becuase there's always someone here visiting him. And his mom & dad are really nice." Which had me thinking. Now I know my mom has talked to him but it would be nice if my dead father could stop talking to him & come say hello to me. Shortly after I was brought back up he was able to leave. I was happy for him since he had been there so long. I had not yet been there a week & I was already going nuts. I hate needles & iv's & my poor arms were so tired of the poking. I swear I looked like a junkie. I actually still have black & blue marks on my arms that are trying to go away. What also should be noted is the hairdo they left me with. I had prepared myself to have a shaved head when I was out. But I guess there was no Asian Hair Mafia up in the hospital doing hair because what I had was a shaved part in the back of my head but then the whole rest of my hair was left. It was not a pretty sight & then they told me I could not be getting my head wet for 10 days due to the fact that there were staples & that they needed to heal. On Sunday the 21st the dr also gave me some more life changing news. He told me that the tumor had been taken out but in an effort to make sure it doesn't come back, I would have to stay on medication for the next 6 months. While on this medication I would not be able to drink at all. If I drank it could be deadly. It could cause this tumor to grow back & also cancel out the medication. After he said this I felt like he had punched me in the face. I've never thought of myself as a full on alcoholic or anything. It's not like I wake up in the morning feeling the need to brush my teeth with alcohol but let's not lie. It is no secret about my Poland Spring Water Bottles to Pyramid & other places. Its no secret I have a high tolerance. It's no secret Nick likes Open bars. Its no secret Nick likes to have a good time. Even during this hospital stay I was bothered that I was missing out on my friend Scott's bday shenanigans. But hey, I felt a brain tumor was a really good excuse for not going. So after the dr left me with this information he then told me that since I had been making such a speedy recovery I was going to be released asap. He said no one was expecting you to be doing so well & all I could think is well I am the NSP....the everlasting hotness & this is the way I handle things. What I had not prepared myself for was Scott, Vadim & few other peeps showing up to the hospital drunk. They had been celebrating Scotts bday at brunch. Which is something I would normally do & we all know if you're gonna do brunch you do it right. You get there by 1 & then drink unlimited bellini's & mimosa's for 5 hrs. I had even told them to come by & see me. Only, I had not known the dr was gonna tell me what he was going to tell me. So when they walked in smelling of alcohol it was like seeing an ex out & about looking 10 times better then you. I was not able to deal & at that moment in time I was definitely not ready to deal. Looking back, I'm ofcourse not angry about it but when the show that is my life FINALLY comes to tv this will be a pivotal scene for my character.
The last week of October was spent basically chilling & relaxing. Its funny because you think about days that it would be nice to just sit at home & watch tv but when you're forced to it kind of sucks. Daytime tv kind of blew chucks to me & all of a sudden all of the normal things I took excitement in watching before just kind of sucked. Episodes of Desperate Housewives & Ugly Betty felt horribly written & I somehow kept watching movies that were just absolute crap. So during this time I once again found my solace in music. My going out was ofcourse limited so being able to walk to Virgin & a few other music stores was the highlights of my days. I ended up finding so much rare music that I had not been able to find. It literally was the best thing for me. Music as we know always has been that thing for me. Also during this time I finally had a bit of alone time with my mom. Between her, Jordan & my friends I was rarely alone. Everyone was worried about me & wanting to make sure I was ok. This wasn't the easiest thing for me being that I'm a fiercely independent person but I'm thankful at the same time. What also must be talked about is I finally came out to my mom. She's literally been the last person to know. I've been comfortable for a while with everyone knowing & its made me closer to quite a few members of my family but with her its always been that big pink elephant in the room. My mom & I haven't had the best relationship over the past few years but it doesn't mean we don't love each other. I guess what I should say is that its been strained. She'd make comments like, "If you ever want to put me in an early grave just tell me you're gay." So to keep the peace I just refrained from talking about my life. We have different views on religion & what not so I just kind of put it in that category. But, once again I must say that this was not the way I ever expected to come out to her. It wasn't the way I expected to get her up to NYC but like I stated before......you deal with what life throws at you. She had been staying at the apt with Jordan & Myleah & I realize that must have not been easy on any of them. I always figured I would be the buffer between them but being that I was bed ridden in a hospital that kind of nixed that plan. So on Tuesday the 23rd while we were walking around in the Village I decided to tell my mom. "Mom, there is no easy way to say this but I realize it must be done. You must know that Jordan & I are in a relationship." She looked at me & said, "I realize that but I guess I needed to hear it from your mouth." We talked about it for the next few hours & it went a little better then what I thought it would. She did ofcourse cry & was ready to get on the next bus back to NC. She just kept saying she wanted to go to her mountain & have a good cry. She was upset that everyone knew but her. But I did my best to try to explain that all in all I was happy & if I had chose to live a lie the rest of my life then that would absolutely suck. With time I think she's getting better. But things with my mom can always go in 2 different directions. Its something I know & always prepare myself for. I guess I can just hope for the best. She's saying that she would like to come for Thanksgiving & see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. This would be my first time ever going to it. I'm not getting my hopes up. Actually, I won't believe her until she's standing in the apt. I mean, it did take a brain tumor & 7 & 1/2 yrs to get her up here. I don't think I'm physically up for any more dramatics any time soon. I'm still slightly livid with the writers for the dramatic turn my show has taken but like I said oh well.
On the 29th I was finally able to find out just what the tumor was & as it turns out it was completely benign. He said on a level of 1-10, 10 being the worst it was like a 1. That was probably the best news that I had heard in days. He told me the name of the tumor which I have already forgotten but apparently its most common in children & young adults. It can actually be fatal to children. It did make sense about all my random dislocations in my sleep & I look at it as maybe this mystery is finally solved & maybe now I can sleep at night. Sadly, I read about this soap star's son who just recently died. He had similar seizures & unfortunately had one near a pool. He fell in & drowned & no one was there to rescue him. It's incredibly sad & it leaves me thinking I'm so thankful that someone was there with me. The whole situation has made me incredibly thankful because as I digest this information I realize that this could have ended up so much worse. The most trouble that I've had after all of this has been insomnia. There were nights I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours. Ambien would not work. I was having to wake up every few hours to take pills. A pill to make sure my stomach could take the pills, a pill to make sure my head wouldn't swell, pills for this, pills for the seizures. I swear I felt like I was starring in a new Valley of the Dolls. I'm ofcourse still having to take pills but as the days go by they are less. Soon I will only need to take the ones for the seizures. Due to the insomnia, I didn't have many dreams. But one morning something odd happenned. I had been awake for hours but around 10ish I managed to drift asleep. I dreamt I was lying there on the bed & I heard my phone ring. I picked it up & instead of a normal # appearing it showed me that #90 was calling me. Thinking it was strange I still answered. But all I could hear was the sound of wind. I kept saying hello but all I could hear was the sound of the wind. Even though it was wind it was somehow calm. I then heard a male voice. "Nicky. Nicky." I asked, "Who is this?" "It's your daddy Nicky." I froze. "Don't worry, everything is gonna be ok." Then the phone call was over. I was so alarmed I woke up thinking my phone was ringing. Then I realized it was just a dream. Now I realize this may all sound crazy & you may be thinking that yes the amount of meds I was taking finally did me in. But, all in all it was a nice dream to have. I somehow felt calm & at ease. I also couldn't help but think of what I had thought when Mr. Kelly had said that my dad had visited. I decided to get up & I told Jordan about the dream. We went on a website that describes dreams & what they mean. It ended up being really symbolic & oddly fitting with everything that has gone on. My dreams since have been minimal but at least I'm getting a little more sleep then what I was. Tylenol pm has become a good friend of mine. So for me right now it really is all about taking things slow & steady. One day at a time. Which is not the easiest thing to do being I am the way I am. For the past few weeks now I've had something new to look forward to. On the 30th I did what was needed to be done & shaved my head. With Vadim's help (& his clippers), I chopped off what was left of my hair. Now for all of you that know me you must realize that this wasn't the easiest thing to do. We all know its no secret how much moola & how much time has been spent on my hair over the years. It's also funny seeing the natural color that I haven't seen since 2004. This is the shortest my hair has been probably since I was a fetus. Its kind of hard to take but with a lot of hats I feel slightly better about it. What I take solace in is at least my hair grows really fast. As for the scar on the back of my head? Its not as bad as I thought it would be & once the hair grows out a bit you'll never be able to see it. Like with everything else right now I just have to wait.
I went back to work on the 1st of November. Everyone has been absolutely great & I can't be more thankful to my girls Tasia, Portia & Eden & the rest of the crew. While I was away, they sent me a little care package which was oh so nice & so far work has been calm. I am utterly thankful & glad that I work with such a good crew. My next thing I'm looking forward to is the gym. The dr told me I can go back this week but my workout obviously has to be a little calm at first. I fully plan on just doing cardio for about a week because let me say this.......I have eaten like I have NEVER eaten before. Talk about fat bitch! Its like I've been eating for 2 or something. I look at it like this though......I've never aloud myself to eat like this so I guess for once in my life it can be ok. it just makes the comeback even more juicy. Yes, I may currently be like Janet Jackson in between albums but once I am properly healed get ready. I always say that if it can't be done right then I ain't doing it at all. Which is why I'm on major hiatus from everything. Its been interesting seeing how this affects the other people around me. I've known Jordan for 3 yrs now & he's never seen the calm version of me. Hell, that goes for all my friends. Part of me wonders what must be going on in their mind. I can't help but think while they're at the club are they secretly thinking I'm going to walk in at any time. It is something I'm known for. Not to sound like a Lifetime original but I definitely feel like something is different about me. Ofcourse there is still that wild & crazy Nick yearning to get out. But, all of a sudden things really seem to be put into perspective. The hot new party on a Saturday night doesn't sound as appealing as it used to. Hearing about who is fighting with who & who's screwing who really seems retarded to me. I don't mean to sound high & mighty but after everything that has happenned my bullshit detector has been finely tuned & things like that really seem trivial. I think if anything this whole experience has taught me is to not waste time. Do the things that I set out to do. There's so much more that I want to do & I've only scratched the surface. Like Madonna said, "I want more."
This is probably the longest blog I've written in quite some time. But, I'm glad I did. I just want to make sure I end it on a positive note. Yes, things may be different & I may not be the same but I am thankful. If anything I'm still the same Nick, just maybe slightly remixed. On my bday, Jordan had given me a huge balloon with 2 small balloons hanging with it. It was only suppose to be in the air for maybe a week. Over time, the small ones have deflated but the large one has managed to survive. My bday was 3 months ago! Oddly enough, while I was in the hospital Jordan told me it had started to go down. When I got home I saw that it had fallen significantly. I've been home since the 21st & guess what? It's still hanging in the same place. I can't help but smile thinking about it. I guess you really can't keep a good bitch down.
Oct 14, Sunday night was like any other Sunday night I had had before. The weekend had not been fun. The night before was spent taking a friend to the hospital due to a very unfortunate overdose. I won't go into detail about that because its not my place to talk about. But, it did bring up a lot of thoughts I had about what had happenned in my own life. Lessons learned & what not. So I spent that Sunday night watching Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters & having some Chinese food with Jordan. I had even thought about having a few glasses of wine since it had been such a dramatic weekend. But then I decided oh what the hell, no need. Then it was time for bed. I wanted to make sure I had enough rest for work the next day because expense reports would be screaming for me. But around 3ish in the morning my whole life changed. I woke up to see Jordan frantic & a bunch of EMT people around me. I also felt an incredible pain in my shoulder. Then I realized it was dislocated. What I had not known was that I had apparently woken Jordan by having a seizure in my sleep. So off to the hospital I was taken. The one where I had just been the night before. All I could think is, "Well I'll be damned. I was just saying I didn't even want to be here in the first place."
Once they popped my shoulder back in place it was clear that the work was not finished. Now it was time for tests to see what had brought on the seizure. As a child I would get them every winter & according to everyone in my family they were incredibly scary to witness. I have no memory of them but I do know that I grew out of them by the time I reached school. As far as I knew I was ok. 10 yrs ago was the first time I dislocated my shoulder in my sleep. For years since thats been a very aggravating way for me to dislocate it. For years now I've just assumed that I'm a terrible sleeper. There would be nights when I would sleep with pillows on either side of me in case I rolled over wrong. On Tuesday the 16th was the day when I got the answers about my EEG, MRI & CAT scans. The dr showed me the Xrays of my head which then showed that there was a tumor on my brain which in turn had 2 small cysts on either side. My best friend Larry had decided to come see me while he was on his lunch break from work. Of all people that were there for the news I am glad it was him. Since he's seen me cry before it felt ok. Its hard to say what goes through your head when something like this is shown & told to you. I think I went through a small state of shock. For years I had always had a fear that I would not live to grow old. But in this moment I was absolutely terrified that maybe this whole time I was right. Luckily, the dr was there to tell me otherwise. They weren't sure what kind of tumor it was but they knew that they needed to get it out. He said it was a routine procedure & seemed really hopeful that everything would be ok. I don't know that I thought 'why me?' or any of that usual but if anything after my tears were shed all I could think is 'I can either be sad & wallow or I can say screw this......lets kick this tumor's ass.'
The next few days was spent having all my friends come & visit. I have always been blessed with having the most loving friends. Its no secret that I don't see my family much so I was very thankful to know that I can count on my friends to be there when I need them. What was hard was seeing what happenned to each of them regarding this news. We all handle things in our own way. I saw it in all fashions. Some were being strong on the outside for me I think. Some weren't dealing & some would just start to cry as soon as they saw me. When this happens I go into automatic Nick mode & I end up being the one saying, "Everything's gonna be alright." It was like when my grandmother was dying & I saw what it was doing to my family. At the time, I found myself thinking that someone needs to be strong so it my as well be me. During this week I also saw my mom & my aunt. My aunt flew up from South Carolina & being that my mom doesn't like the thought of flying she took the bus. Now it must be noted that my mom has never been to NYC & I've lived here for 7 1/2 years. So I guess it took getting a brain tumor... but like all other things in my life I guess I had to take the dramatic approach in order to get it done. The next few days were basically spent just preparing for surgery. It was originally gonna take place on the following Tuesday but the dr's decided that Friday the 19th would be the day. Looking back its like everything happenned so fast that I don't even know if I digested half of the information that was being given to me. So on Friday I was as ready as one could be. I told everyone 'I'll see you soon' & then I was wheeled off. The dr's explained to me what was going to happen & I had complete faith in them. Not to say I wasn't nervous but when the Dr asked if I was ready all I could think to say was, "Well, just make sure you wash your hands." He laughed & then told me to start counting back from 10. I took a deep breath & closed my eyes. "Ten.........Nine........Eight............"
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My next memory is being wheeled out & seeing my mom, Myleah, Jordan & Tom all smiling. My head was slightly hurting & I was feeling really tired. The only words that could come out of my mouth were, "Hi Mom, Hi Tom." It rhymed so what else could I say? My aunt had then said something trying to be funny to which I responded, "I'm not in the mood for jokes right now." Then I was out again. I was taken to ICU which is where I was going to be for 2 days. I woke up sometime in the midst of the night. Visiting hours had been over for a while & I was told that everyone had been told to go home. Things were highly different in ICU then on my normal floor. The nurses only talk to you when you need something or if they need to stick you with something. I've heard that you're not suppose to get close to patients so I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. But I did manage to get one nurse to talk to me. She would be really nice & feed me ice chips & she even made a phone call to Jordan to let him know I was ok. Which is what I was until about 4 in the morning. I was barely sleeping when all of a sudden I heard a beep beep beep coming from a machine that was hooked up to me. Another nurse came rushing in & looked at it, then me. This alarmed me so I asked what was wrong. She said, "Oh its fine. You apparently stopped breathing while you were sleeping. Its ok, its just sleep apnea." And off she goes. Now if I had known what that was then maybe I would not have freaked out. But instead it had me afraid to sleep for fear I may not wake up. So I looked at the time & I knew that I could have visitor's at 11 am. So I sat there for 7 hours awake, not really being able to move. Basically just me & my thoughts. I thought about my life up until this point & I thought about all that I've accomplished & all that I haven't. I thought once I was able to... this was gonna make one helluva blog. And being that I then got myself in impatient Nick mode I thought, "I'm suppose to be in here for 2 days? Oh hell to the no!" I then started feeling like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill when she was looking at her feet & she just kept saying, "Wiggle your big toe." So I started working on that. The nurses had been coming in asking me to lift my right hand to my left ear & at first I was confused & did the wrong one. But once I started thinking about it everything was working much better. Originally it was planned that I was going to be in ICU for 2 days. I was out in less then 24 hrs.
I was then taken back to my old room. I had gotten kind of used to my neighbor Mr. Kelly. An elderly man that had been there for months. Somehow he still had his pep. I think it invigorated him by me having a lot of people from time to time. Which is a good thing because I was nervous that he may become cranky. He had made me laugh because at one point he was talking to someone on the phone & was telling them about my visitors. He said, "Yes he must really be loved becuase there's always someone here visiting him. And his mom & dad are really nice." Which had me thinking. Now I know my mom has talked to him but it would be nice if my dead father could stop talking to him & come say hello to me. Shortly after I was brought back up he was able to leave. I was happy for him since he had been there so long. I had not yet been there a week & I was already going nuts. I hate needles & iv's & my poor arms were so tired of the poking. I swear I looked like a junkie. I actually still have black & blue marks on my arms that are trying to go away. What also should be noted is the hairdo they left me with. I had prepared myself to have a shaved head when I was out. But I guess there was no Asian Hair Mafia up in the hospital doing hair because what I had was a shaved part in the back of my head but then the whole rest of my hair was left. It was not a pretty sight & then they told me I could not be getting my head wet for 10 days due to the fact that there were staples & that they needed to heal. On Sunday the 21st the dr also gave me some more life changing news. He told me that the tumor had been taken out but in an effort to make sure it doesn't come back, I would have to stay on medication for the next 6 months. While on this medication I would not be able to drink at all. If I drank it could be deadly. It could cause this tumor to grow back & also cancel out the medication. After he said this I felt like he had punched me in the face. I've never thought of myself as a full on alcoholic or anything. It's not like I wake up in the morning feeling the need to brush my teeth with alcohol but let's not lie. It is no secret about my Poland Spring Water Bottles to Pyramid & other places. Its no secret I have a high tolerance. It's no secret Nick likes Open bars. Its no secret Nick likes to have a good time. Even during this hospital stay I was bothered that I was missing out on my friend Scott's bday shenanigans. But hey, I felt a brain tumor was a really good excuse for not going. So after the dr left me with this information he then told me that since I had been making such a speedy recovery I was going to be released asap. He said no one was expecting you to be doing so well & all I could think is well I am the NSP....the everlasting hotness & this is the way I handle things. What I had not prepared myself for was Scott, Vadim & few other peeps showing up to the hospital drunk. They had been celebrating Scotts bday at brunch. Which is something I would normally do & we all know if you're gonna do brunch you do it right. You get there by 1 & then drink unlimited bellini's & mimosa's for 5 hrs. I had even told them to come by & see me. Only, I had not known the dr was gonna tell me what he was going to tell me. So when they walked in smelling of alcohol it was like seeing an ex out & about looking 10 times better then you. I was not able to deal & at that moment in time I was definitely not ready to deal. Looking back, I'm ofcourse not angry about it but when the show that is my life FINALLY comes to tv this will be a pivotal scene for my character.
The last week of October was spent basically chilling & relaxing. Its funny because you think about days that it would be nice to just sit at home & watch tv but when you're forced to it kind of sucks. Daytime tv kind of blew chucks to me & all of a sudden all of the normal things I took excitement in watching before just kind of sucked. Episodes of Desperate Housewives & Ugly Betty felt horribly written & I somehow kept watching movies that were just absolute crap. So during this time I once again found my solace in music. My going out was ofcourse limited so being able to walk to Virgin & a few other music stores was the highlights of my days. I ended up finding so much rare music that I had not been able to find. It literally was the best thing for me. Music as we know always has been that thing for me. Also during this time I finally had a bit of alone time with my mom. Between her, Jordan & my friends I was rarely alone. Everyone was worried about me & wanting to make sure I was ok. This wasn't the easiest thing for me being that I'm a fiercely independent person but I'm thankful at the same time. What also must be talked about is I finally came out to my mom. She's literally been the last person to know. I've been comfortable for a while with everyone knowing & its made me closer to quite a few members of my family but with her its always been that big pink elephant in the room. My mom & I haven't had the best relationship over the past few years but it doesn't mean we don't love each other. I guess what I should say is that its been strained. She'd make comments like, "If you ever want to put me in an early grave just tell me you're gay." So to keep the peace I just refrained from talking about my life. We have different views on religion & what not so I just kind of put it in that category. But, once again I must say that this was not the way I ever expected to come out to her. It wasn't the way I expected to get her up to NYC but like I stated before......you deal with what life throws at you. She had been staying at the apt with Jordan & Myleah & I realize that must have not been easy on any of them. I always figured I would be the buffer between them but being that I was bed ridden in a hospital that kind of nixed that plan. So on Tuesday the 23rd while we were walking around in the Village I decided to tell my mom. "Mom, there is no easy way to say this but I realize it must be done. You must know that Jordan & I are in a relationship." She looked at me & said, "I realize that but I guess I needed to hear it from your mouth." We talked about it for the next few hours & it went a little better then what I thought it would. She did ofcourse cry & was ready to get on the next bus back to NC. She just kept saying she wanted to go to her mountain & have a good cry. She was upset that everyone knew but her. But I did my best to try to explain that all in all I was happy & if I had chose to live a lie the rest of my life then that would absolutely suck. With time I think she's getting better. But things with my mom can always go in 2 different directions. Its something I know & always prepare myself for. I guess I can just hope for the best. She's saying that she would like to come for Thanksgiving & see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. This would be my first time ever going to it. I'm not getting my hopes up. Actually, I won't believe her until she's standing in the apt. I mean, it did take a brain tumor & 7 & 1/2 yrs to get her up here. I don't think I'm physically up for any more dramatics any time soon. I'm still slightly livid with the writers for the dramatic turn my show has taken but like I said oh well.
On the 29th I was finally able to find out just what the tumor was & as it turns out it was completely benign. He said on a level of 1-10, 10 being the worst it was like a 1. That was probably the best news that I had heard in days. He told me the name of the tumor which I have already forgotten but apparently its most common in children & young adults. It can actually be fatal to children. It did make sense about all my random dislocations in my sleep & I look at it as maybe this mystery is finally solved & maybe now I can sleep at night. Sadly, I read about this soap star's son who just recently died. He had similar seizures & unfortunately had one near a pool. He fell in & drowned & no one was there to rescue him. It's incredibly sad & it leaves me thinking I'm so thankful that someone was there with me. The whole situation has made me incredibly thankful because as I digest this information I realize that this could have ended up so much worse. The most trouble that I've had after all of this has been insomnia. There were nights I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours. Ambien would not work. I was having to wake up every few hours to take pills. A pill to make sure my stomach could take the pills, a pill to make sure my head wouldn't swell, pills for this, pills for the seizures. I swear I felt like I was starring in a new Valley of the Dolls. I'm ofcourse still having to take pills but as the days go by they are less. Soon I will only need to take the ones for the seizures. Due to the insomnia, I didn't have many dreams. But one morning something odd happenned. I had been awake for hours but around 10ish I managed to drift asleep. I dreamt I was lying there on the bed & I heard my phone ring. I picked it up & instead of a normal # appearing it showed me that #90 was calling me. Thinking it was strange I still answered. But all I could hear was the sound of wind. I kept saying hello but all I could hear was the sound of the wind. Even though it was wind it was somehow calm. I then heard a male voice. "Nicky. Nicky." I asked, "Who is this?" "It's your daddy Nicky." I froze. "Don't worry, everything is gonna be ok." Then the phone call was over. I was so alarmed I woke up thinking my phone was ringing. Then I realized it was just a dream. Now I realize this may all sound crazy & you may be thinking that yes the amount of meds I was taking finally did me in. But, all in all it was a nice dream to have. I somehow felt calm & at ease. I also couldn't help but think of what I had thought when Mr. Kelly had said that my dad had visited. I decided to get up & I told Jordan about the dream. We went on a website that describes dreams & what they mean. It ended up being really symbolic & oddly fitting with everything that has gone on. My dreams since have been minimal but at least I'm getting a little more sleep then what I was. Tylenol pm has become a good friend of mine. So for me right now it really is all about taking things slow & steady. One day at a time. Which is not the easiest thing to do being I am the way I am. For the past few weeks now I've had something new to look forward to. On the 30th I did what was needed to be done & shaved my head. With Vadim's help (& his clippers), I chopped off what was left of my hair. Now for all of you that know me you must realize that this wasn't the easiest thing to do. We all know its no secret how much moola & how much time has been spent on my hair over the years. It's also funny seeing the natural color that I haven't seen since 2004. This is the shortest my hair has been probably since I was a fetus. Its kind of hard to take but with a lot of hats I feel slightly better about it. What I take solace in is at least my hair grows really fast. As for the scar on the back of my head? Its not as bad as I thought it would be & once the hair grows out a bit you'll never be able to see it. Like with everything else right now I just have to wait.
I went back to work on the 1st of November. Everyone has been absolutely great & I can't be more thankful to my girls Tasia, Portia & Eden & the rest of the crew. While I was away, they sent me a little care package which was oh so nice & so far work has been calm. I am utterly thankful & glad that I work with such a good crew. My next thing I'm looking forward to is the gym. The dr told me I can go back this week but my workout obviously has to be a little calm at first. I fully plan on just doing cardio for about a week because let me say this.......I have eaten like I have NEVER eaten before. Talk about fat bitch! Its like I've been eating for 2 or something. I look at it like this though......I've never aloud myself to eat like this so I guess for once in my life it can be ok. it just makes the comeback even more juicy. Yes, I may currently be like Janet Jackson in between albums but once I am properly healed get ready. I always say that if it can't be done right then I ain't doing it at all. Which is why I'm on major hiatus from everything. Its been interesting seeing how this affects the other people around me. I've known Jordan for 3 yrs now & he's never seen the calm version of me. Hell, that goes for all my friends. Part of me wonders what must be going on in their mind. I can't help but think while they're at the club are they secretly thinking I'm going to walk in at any time. It is something I'm known for. Not to sound like a Lifetime original but I definitely feel like something is different about me. Ofcourse there is still that wild & crazy Nick yearning to get out. But, all of a sudden things really seem to be put into perspective. The hot new party on a Saturday night doesn't sound as appealing as it used to. Hearing about who is fighting with who & who's screwing who really seems retarded to me. I don't mean to sound high & mighty but after everything that has happenned my bullshit detector has been finely tuned & things like that really seem trivial. I think if anything this whole experience has taught me is to not waste time. Do the things that I set out to do. There's so much more that I want to do & I've only scratched the surface. Like Madonna said, "I want more."
This is probably the longest blog I've written in quite some time. But, I'm glad I did. I just want to make sure I end it on a positive note. Yes, things may be different & I may not be the same but I am thankful. If anything I'm still the same Nick, just maybe slightly remixed. On my bday, Jordan had given me a huge balloon with 2 small balloons hanging with it. It was only suppose to be in the air for maybe a week. Over time, the small ones have deflated but the large one has managed to survive. My bday was 3 months ago! Oddly enough, while I was in the hospital Jordan told me it had started to go down. When I got home I saw that it had fallen significantly. I've been home since the 21st & guess what? It's still hanging in the same place. I can't help but smile thinking about it. I guess you really can't keep a good bitch down.
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