An Unfinished Life

Friends, Myspacers, Fans......what can I say? Its been a long, long time. This is actually the longest I've ever gone without blogging something about my life since I started a few years ago. My last one was right after my Bday extravaganza. Since then, there have been tons of stuff that has gone down but somehow I was just blah about writing anything about it. Oddly enough it started to feel redundant. Writing about the same ol same ol. I had no idea how spot on I would end up being about all these thoughts. Thats the funny thing about life I guess. It can literally change in the blink of an eye & then leave you wondering what the hell happenned. Thats the only way I can explain what happenned to me in the middle of October.

Oct 14, Sunday night was like any other Sunday night I had had before. The weekend had not been fun. The night before was spent taking a friend to the hospital due to a very unfortunate overdose. I won't go into detail about that because its not my place to talk about. But, it did bring up a lot of thoughts I had about what had happenned in my own life. Lessons learned & what not. So I spent that Sunday night watching Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters & having some Chinese food with Jordan. I had even thought about having a few glasses of wine since it had been such a dramatic weekend. But then I decided oh what the hell, no need. Then it was time for bed. I wanted to make sure I had enough rest for work the next day because expense reports would be screaming for me. But around 3ish in the morning my whole life changed. I woke up to see Jordan frantic & a bunch of EMT people around me. I also felt an incredible pain in my shoulder. Then I realized it was dislocated. What I had not known was that I had apparently woken Jordan by having a seizure in my sleep. So off to the hospital I was taken. The one where I had just been the night before. All I could think is, "Well I'll be damned. I was just saying I didn't even want to be here in the first place."
Once they popped my shoulder back in place it was clear that the work was not finished. Now it was time for tests to see what had brought on the seizure. As a child I would get them every winter & according to everyone in my family they were incredibly scary to witness. I have no memory of them but I do know that I grew out of them by the time I reached school. As far as I knew I was ok. 10 yrs ago was the first time I dislocated my shoulder in my sleep. For years since thats been a very aggravating way for me to dislocate it. For years now I've just assumed that I'm a terrible sleeper. There would be nights when I would sleep with pillows on either side of me in case I rolled over wrong. On Tuesday the 16th was the day when I got the answers about my EEG, MRI & CAT scans. The dr showed me the Xrays of my head which then showed that there was a tumor on my brain which in turn had 2 small cysts on either side. My best friend Larry had decided to come see me while he was on his lunch break from work. Of all people that were there for the news I am glad it was him. Since he's seen me cry before it felt ok. Its hard to say what goes through your head when something like this is shown & told to you. I think I went through a small state of shock. For years I had always had a fear that I would not live to grow old. But in this moment I was absolutely terrified that maybe this whole time I was right. Luckily, the dr was there to tell me otherwise. They weren't sure what kind of tumor it was but they knew that they needed to get it out. He said it was a routine procedure & seemed really hopeful that everything would be ok. I don't know that I thought 'why me?' or any of that usual but if anything after my tears were shed all I could think is 'I can either be sad & wallow or I can say screw this......lets kick this tumor's ass.'

The next few days was spent having all my friends come & visit. I have always been blessed with having the most loving friends. Its no secret that I don't see my family much so I was very thankful to know that I can count on my friends to be there when I need them. What was hard was seeing what happenned to each of them regarding this news. We all handle things in our own way. I saw it in all fashions. Some were being strong on the outside for me I think. Some weren't dealing & some would just start to cry as soon as they saw me. When this happens I go into automatic Nick mode & I end up being the one saying, "Everything's gonna be alright." It was like when my grandmother was dying & I saw what it was doing to my family. At the time, I found myself thinking that someone needs to be strong so it my as well be me. During this week I also saw my mom & my aunt. My aunt flew up from South Carolina & being that my mom doesn't like the thought of flying she took the bus. Now it must be noted that my mom has never been to NYC & I've lived here for 7 1/2 years. So I guess it took getting a brain tumor... but like all other things in my life I guess I had to take the dramatic approach in order to get it done. The next few days were basically spent just preparing for surgery. It was originally gonna take place on the following Tuesday but the dr's decided that Friday the 19th would be the day. Looking back its like everything happenned so fast that I don't even know if I digested half of the information that was being given to me. So on Friday I was as ready as one could be. I told everyone 'I'll see you soon' & then I was wheeled off. The dr's explained to me what was going to happen & I had complete faith in them. Not to say I wasn't nervous but when the Dr asked if I was ready all I could think to say was, "Well, just make sure you wash your hands." He laughed & then told me to start counting back from 10. I took a deep breath & closed my eyes. "Ten.........Nine........Eight............"
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My next memory is being wheeled out & seeing my mom, Myleah, Jordan & Tom all smiling. My head was slightly hurting & I was feeling really tired. The only words that could come out of my mouth were, "Hi Mom, Hi Tom." It rhymed so what else could I say? My aunt had then said something trying to be funny to which I responded, "I'm not in the mood for jokes right now." Then I was out again. I was taken to ICU which is where I was going to be for 2 days. I woke up sometime in the midst of the night. Visiting hours had been over for a while & I was told that everyone had been told to go home. Things were highly different in ICU then on my normal floor. The nurses only talk to you when you need something or if they need to stick you with something. I've heard that you're not suppose to get close to patients so I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. But I did manage to get one nurse to talk to me. She would be really nice & feed me ice chips & she even made a phone call to Jordan to let him know I was ok. Which is what I was until about 4 in the morning. I was barely sleeping when all of a sudden I heard a beep beep beep coming from a machine that was hooked up to me. Another nurse came rushing in & looked at it, then me. This alarmed me so I asked what was wrong. She said, "Oh its fine. You apparently stopped breathing while you were sleeping. Its ok, its just sleep apnea." And off she goes. Now if I had known what that was then maybe I would not have freaked out. But instead it had me afraid to sleep for fear I may not wake up. So I looked at the time & I knew that I could have visitor's at 11 am. So I sat there for 7 hours awake, not really being able to move. Basically just me & my thoughts. I thought about my life up until this point & I thought about all that I've accomplished & all that I haven't. I thought once I was able to... this was gonna make one helluva blog. And being that I then got myself in impatient Nick mode I thought, "I'm suppose to be in here for 2 days? Oh hell to the no!" I then started feeling like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill when she was looking at her feet & she just kept saying, "Wiggle your big toe." So I started working on that. The nurses had been coming in asking me to lift my right hand to my left ear & at first I was confused & did the wrong one. But once I started thinking about it everything was working much better. Originally it was planned that I was going to be in ICU for 2 days. I was out in less then 24 hrs.

I was then taken back to my old room. I had gotten kind of used to my neighbor Mr. Kelly. An elderly man that had been there for months. Somehow he still had his pep. I think it invigorated him by me having a lot of people from time to time. Which is a good thing because I was nervous that he may become cranky. He had made me laugh because at one point he was talking to someone on the phone & was telling them about my visitors. He said, "Yes he must really be loved becuase there's always someone here visiting him. And his mom & dad are really nice." Which had me thinking. Now I know my mom has talked to him but it would be nice if my dead father could stop talking to him & come say hello to me. Shortly after I was brought back up he was able to leave. I was happy for him since he had been there so long. I had not yet been there a week & I was already going nuts. I hate needles & iv's & my poor arms were so tired of the poking. I swear I looked like a junkie. I actually still have black & blue marks on my arms that are trying to go away. What also should be noted is the hairdo they left me with. I had prepared myself to have a shaved head when I was out. But I guess there was no Asian Hair Mafia up in the hospital doing hair because what I had was a shaved part in the back of my head but then the whole rest of my hair was left. It was not a pretty sight & then they told me I could not be getting my head wet for 10 days due to the fact that there were staples & that they needed to heal. On Sunday the 21st the dr also gave me some more life changing news. He told me that the tumor had been taken out but in an effort to make sure it doesn't come back, I would have to stay on medication for the next 6 months. While on this medication I would not be able to drink at all. If I drank it could be deadly. It could cause this tumor to grow back & also cancel out the medication. After he said this I felt like he had punched me in the face. I've never thought of myself as a full on alcoholic or anything. It's not like I wake up in the morning feeling the need to brush my teeth with alcohol but let's not lie. It is no secret about my Poland Spring Water Bottles to Pyramid & other places. Its no secret I have a high tolerance. It's no secret Nick likes Open bars. Its no secret Nick likes to have a good time. Even during this hospital stay I was bothered that I was missing out on my friend Scott's bday shenanigans. But hey, I felt a brain tumor was a really good excuse for not going. So after the dr left me with this information he then told me that since I had been making such a speedy recovery I was going to be released asap. He said no one was expecting you to be doing so well & all I could think is well I am the NSP....the everlasting hotness & this is the way I handle things. What I had not prepared myself for was Scott, Vadim & few other peeps showing up to the hospital drunk. They had been celebrating Scotts bday at brunch. Which is something I would normally do & we all know if you're gonna do brunch you do it right. You get there by 1 & then drink unlimited bellini's & mimosa's for 5 hrs. I had even told them to come by & see me. Only, I had not known the dr was gonna tell me what he was going to tell me. So when they walked in smelling of alcohol it was like seeing an ex out & about looking 10 times better then you. I was not able to deal & at that moment in time I was definitely not ready to deal. Looking back, I'm ofcourse not angry about it but when the show that is my life FINALLY comes to tv this will be a pivotal scene for my character.

The last week of October was spent basically chilling & relaxing. Its funny because you think about days that it would be nice to just sit at home & watch tv but when you're forced to it kind of sucks. Daytime tv kind of blew chucks to me & all of a sudden all of the normal things I took excitement in watching before just kind of sucked. Episodes of Desperate Housewives & Ugly Betty felt horribly written & I somehow kept watching movies that were just absolute crap. So during this time I once again found my solace in music. My going out was ofcourse limited so being able to walk to Virgin & a few other music stores was the highlights of my days. I ended up finding so much rare music that I had not been able to find. It literally was the best thing for me. Music as we know always has been that thing for me. Also during this time I finally had a bit of alone time with my mom. Between her, Jordan & my friends I was rarely alone. Everyone was worried about me & wanting to make sure I was ok. This wasn't the easiest thing for me being that I'm a fiercely independent person but I'm thankful at the same time. What also must be talked about is I finally came out to my mom. She's literally been the last person to know. I've been comfortable for a while with everyone knowing & its made me closer to quite a few members of my family but with her its always been that big pink elephant in the room. My mom & I haven't had the best relationship over the past few years but it doesn't mean we don't love each other. I guess what I should say is that its been strained. She'd make comments like, "If you ever want to put me in an early grave just tell me you're gay." So to keep the peace I just refrained from talking about my life. We have different views on religion & what not so I just kind of put it in that category. But, once again I must say that this was not the way I ever expected to come out to her. It wasn't the way I expected to get her up to NYC but like I stated before......you deal with what life throws at you. She had been staying at the apt with Jordan & Myleah & I realize that must have not been easy on any of them. I always figured I would be the buffer between them but being that I was bed ridden in a hospital that kind of nixed that plan. So on Tuesday the 23rd while we were walking around in the Village I decided to tell my mom. "Mom, there is no easy way to say this but I realize it must be done. You must know that Jordan & I are in a relationship." She looked at me & said, "I realize that but I guess I needed to hear it from your mouth." We talked about it for the next few hours & it went a little better then what I thought it would. She did ofcourse cry & was ready to get on the next bus back to NC. She just kept saying she wanted to go to her mountain & have a good cry. She was upset that everyone knew but her. But I did my best to try to explain that all in all I was happy & if I had chose to live a lie the rest of my life then that would absolutely suck. With time I think she's getting better. But things with my mom can always go in 2 different directions. Its something I know & always prepare myself for. I guess I can just hope for the best. She's saying that she would like to come for Thanksgiving & see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. This would be my first time ever going to it. I'm not getting my hopes up. Actually, I won't believe her until she's standing in the apt. I mean, it did take a brain tumor & 7 & 1/2 yrs to get her up here. I don't think I'm physically up for any more dramatics any time soon. I'm still slightly livid with the writers for the dramatic turn my show has taken but like I said oh well.

On the 29th I was finally able to find out just what the tumor was & as it turns out it was completely benign. He said on a level of 1-10, 10 being the worst it was like a 1. That was probably the best news that I had heard in days. He told me the name of the tumor which I have already forgotten but apparently its most common in children & young adults. It can actually be fatal to children. It did make sense about all my random dislocations in my sleep & I look at it as maybe this mystery is finally solved & maybe now I can sleep at night. Sadly, I read about this soap star's son who just recently died. He had similar seizures & unfortunately had one near a pool. He fell in & drowned & no one was there to rescue him. It's incredibly sad & it leaves me thinking I'm so thankful that someone was there with me. The whole situation has made me incredibly thankful because as I digest this information I realize that this could have ended up so much worse. The most trouble that I've had after all of this has been insomnia. There were nights I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours. Ambien would not work. I was having to wake up every few hours to take pills. A pill to make sure my stomach could take the pills, a pill to make sure my head wouldn't swell, pills for this, pills for the seizures. I swear I felt like I was starring in a new Valley of the Dolls. I'm ofcourse still having to take pills but as the days go by they are less. Soon I will only need to take the ones for the seizures. Due to the insomnia, I didn't have many dreams. But one morning something odd happenned. I had been awake for hours but around 10ish I managed to drift asleep. I dreamt I was lying there on the bed & I heard my phone ring. I picked it up & instead of a normal # appearing it showed me that #90 was calling me. Thinking it was strange I still answered. But all I could hear was the sound of wind. I kept saying hello but all I could hear was the sound of the wind. Even though it was wind it was somehow calm. I then heard a male voice. "Nicky. Nicky." I asked, "Who is this?" "It's your daddy Nicky." I froze. "Don't worry, everything is gonna be ok." Then the phone call was over. I was so alarmed I woke up thinking my phone was ringing. Then I realized it was just a dream. Now I realize this may all sound crazy & you may be thinking that yes the amount of meds I was taking finally did me in. But, all in all it was a nice dream to have. I somehow felt calm & at ease. I also couldn't help but think of what I had thought when Mr. Kelly had said that my dad had visited. I decided to get up & I told Jordan about the dream. We went on a website that describes dreams & what they mean. It ended up being really symbolic & oddly fitting with everything that has gone on. My dreams since have been minimal but at least I'm getting a little more sleep then what I was. Tylenol pm has become a good friend of mine. So for me right now it really is all about taking things slow & steady. One day at a time. Which is not the easiest thing to do being I am the way I am. For the past few weeks now I've had something new to look forward to. On the 30th I did what was needed to be done & shaved my head. With Vadim's help (& his clippers), I chopped off what was left of my hair. Now for all of you that know me you must realize that this wasn't the easiest thing to do. We all know its no secret how much moola & how much time has been spent on my hair over the years. It's also funny seeing the natural color that I haven't seen since 2004. This is the shortest my hair has been probably since I was a fetus. Its kind of hard to take but with a lot of hats I feel slightly better about it. What I take solace in is at least my hair grows really fast. As for the scar on the back of my head? Its not as bad as I thought it would be & once the hair grows out a bit you'll never be able to see it. Like with everything else right now I just have to wait.

I went back to work on the 1st of November. Everyone has been absolutely great & I can't be more thankful to my girls Tasia, Portia & Eden & the rest of the crew. While I was away, they sent me a little care package which was oh so nice & so far work has been calm. I am utterly thankful & glad that I work with such a good crew. My next thing I'm looking forward to is the gym. The dr told me I can go back this week but my workout obviously has to be a little calm at first. I fully plan on just doing cardio for about a week because let me say this.......I have eaten like I have NEVER eaten before. Talk about fat bitch! Its like I've been eating for 2 or something. I look at it like this though......I've never aloud myself to eat like this so I guess for once in my life it can be ok. it just makes the comeback even more juicy. Yes, I may currently be like Janet Jackson in between albums but once I am properly healed get ready. I always say that if it can't be done right then I ain't doing it at all. Which is why I'm on major hiatus from everything. Its been interesting seeing how this affects the other people around me. I've known Jordan for 3 yrs now & he's never seen the calm version of me. Hell, that goes for all my friends. Part of me wonders what must be going on in their mind. I can't help but think while they're at the club are they secretly thinking I'm going to walk in at any time. It is something I'm known for. Not to sound like a Lifetime original but I definitely feel like something is different about me. Ofcourse there is still that wild & crazy Nick yearning to get out. But, all of a sudden things really seem to be put into perspective. The hot new party on a Saturday night doesn't sound as appealing as it used to. Hearing about who is fighting with who & who's screwing who really seems retarded to me. I don't mean to sound high & mighty but after everything that has happenned my bullshit detector has been finely tuned & things like that really seem trivial. I think if anything this whole experience has taught me is to not waste time. Do the things that I set out to do. There's so much more that I want to do & I've only scratched the surface. Like Madonna said, "I want more."

This is probably the longest blog I've written in quite some time. But, I'm glad I did. I just want to make sure I end it on a positive note. Yes, things may be different & I may not be the same but I am thankful. If anything I'm still the same Nick, just maybe slightly remixed. On my bday, Jordan had given me a huge balloon with 2 small balloons hanging with it. It was only suppose to be in the air for maybe a week. Over time, the small ones have deflated but the large one has managed to survive. My bday was 3 months ago! Oddly enough, while I was in the hospital Jordan told me it had started to go down. When I got home I saw that it had fallen significantly. I've been home since the 21st & guess what? It's still hanging in the same place. I can't help but smile thinking about it. I guess you really can't keep a good bitch down.