A Distant Dreamer Chasing Pavements

Ive made up my mind
dont need to think it over
If im wrong I am right

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waiting as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should i give up
Or should i just keep Chasing Pavements
Even if it leads no where,
Or would it be a waste
Even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
Should i give up
Or should i just keep Chasing Pavements
Even if it leads nowhere


On March 6 I celebrated my 8 yr anniversary with the longest relationship I’ve ever had. NYC & I have had our ups & downs. But somehow I still keep sticking around. Maybe because there’s no place like it. I mean sure it’s loud, it’s cranky, it can be so many things. But somehow I have not given up. In this 8 yr time I’ve only moved 3 times. Which is not a lot considering how often some people move. As you know for the past few months I’ve been preparing for the 4th move. Let me say this with the utmost honesty.....it has not been easy. But I also need to add this....it could have been so much harder. Originally I thought things would be so different. I was worried I would have to move some place that I hated, but this was not the case. I had the luxury of taking time to find the right place for me. That’s not to say I’ve had some false starts. I almost moved 2 different times but my gut was like ’Nick, this is not a good idea.’ As we know, this Gut has been incredibly right with so many things the past few months so I decided it was probably right with these situations as well. As it turns out it was. So for a few weeks I just gave up. I said let it be & when it is the proper time & right place it will work out. I’m incredibly grateful to Jordan for being ok with this as well. I think our whole situation has not only surprised us but many other people as well. I think a few people were waiting for drama to rear it’s ugly head at any moment, but thankfully it did not. Then last weekend I ran across an ad that piqued my interest. A room available in an apt in Hell’s Kitchen, my old hood. One of the roommates was moving out while the other was staying. So they were looking for the right fit. After interviewing 18 other people, they thought that I would be the best fit. I felt like I won American Apt Idol.

For 2 & half months now, I have been chasing pavements all over. Hell’s Kitchen, The West AND East Village, Gramercy, Midtown East, Upper West Side..... I even traveled my ass up to the Upper Upper Upper West Side. Thats just the actual places I saw. Mind you, I sent out countless emails about others. I realized what was fake & what was real on Craigslist. I would see these apts & meet roommates & after a while I said I’m about to go on an audition because really that’s what it felt like. For so many years I had lived the charmed life so in order to retain it, I was certainly going to have to work for it. Not to say I wasn’t picky. I’m sure I could have moved somewhere atrocious for a hot month or 2 but honestly I do not see the fun in moving stuff back & forth over & over again. When I move it’s like ’ok, everything is going to have it’s place now because I ain’t doing this shit again.’

Which is also why I decided to be silent for a while blog wise. For the past month or so I’ve been uber bitchy about some things. Work has not been the same because of certain revelations. I’ll not get into it now, but I will attest to the fact that even before 2008 started I created a plan. So let me just say one thing at a time. Going out has had it’s ups & downs. I’m thankful to some of my brothers & sisters in the game of not drinking but still tearing up a dancefloor. It’s the times when I am the only sober one that has gotten the best of me. There’s been a few people who have said, "I’ll be glad when you can drink again," as they chug down their own. Which leads me to think ’Dammit! I’m pleasant! I can be tons of fun. I AM tons of fun but you’ll not remember this tomorrow because you’re so damn drunk!" What I find interesting is it’s never ’When are you off your medication? Or when will you find out if everything is completely ok?’ Maybe I’m being overly sensitive. Which is one of the reasons why I chose not to blog for so long. I was worried my complete saltiness would come out & being that that is not normally me I didn’t want to project that image. But in all honesty, at times its felt like no one has fully understood what I have gone through. With every little headache, or times when I get a tad dizzy in dance class or when I feel just too tired I worry that it all may come back. Then I think about the months of crap I went through & it makes me angry because I don’t want to go through it again. But I refuse to let these thoughts weigh me down. Even typing these words makes me feel bad because I worry that it may sound somewhat harsh. So instead I will use this space to put the words down to a song I recently discovered by an artist just making waves in the UK scene. Her name is Duffy & she’s had a massive hit with a song called Mercy. I seem to like less & less of the music that is released here so I’ve been branching out for other things. This song is called Distant Dreamer & I’m upset that I did not come up with the words first. As you know, I always post lyrics in my blogs & I’m not doing it for filler people. I do it because the lyrics fit my life & the blog. So here is Distant Dreamer. Look it up on Youtube. It’s on there as well & the song is absolutely beautiful.


Although you think I cope,
my head is filled with hope...
of some place other than here.

Although you think I smile,
inside & all the while...
I’m wondering about my destiny.

I’m thinking about,
all the things,
I’d like to do in my life.

I’m a dreamer,
a distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope, from today.

Even when you see me frown,
my heart won’t let me down,
because I know there’s better things to come (Woah Yeah).

And when life gets tough,
I feel I’ve had enough,
I hold on to a distant star,

I’m thinking about,
all the things,
I’d like to do in my life...

I’m a dreamer,
A distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope from today.


And just in case you’re wondering. I move next weekend. I’m utterly thankful for all my boys who are going to help me. The week after that is my next MRI & Dr’s appointment. I’m holding on to hope & praying that it comes out A Ok. Months ago I thought I would be happy to drink again. But in light of all recent events, I don’t look forward to it the way I once did. I just want to go on living my life & know that everything will be ok.