Sometimes It's A Bitch

I don't want to take it anymore
I'll just stay here locked behind the door
Just no time to stop and get away
'Cause I work so hard to make it everyday

It's been said that everyone in NYC is looking for 3 things. A wonderful job, a fabulous apartment & an even more wonderful & fabulous loved one. Most jaded New Yorker's are ok with having 2 out of 3. Hell, most people I know are just striving to get at least 2. So when it appears that you have all 3 sympathy doesn't flow aplenty. In a month's time, I've been pounding pavements & refreshing my Craigslist page to find the brand new hotness! To all my gay boys out there, get your mind out of the gutter. I've not been on M4M or missed connections. I've been doing my best to find an apartment that is best for me. In a perfect world, I would live by myself. But right now it's just not something I can afford in an area I want to live in. Being that I'm trying to keep it in certain area's of Manhattan, this means I need a roommate. On my journey so far I've met some interesting characters. The very first apt I saw was ok. It was back in my old hood of Hell's Kitchen. They say go with what you know right? Like I said, it was ok. Until the guy told me about his 'semi-small' roach & insect problem. He said that since he's rarely at home he doesn't like to clean much & was hoping that the new 'roomie' would help him out with that. Now, I'm not running around with a white glove searching for dust but I also don't want to be eating & having some bugs scurrying across my feet. Dirty Straight Guy spoke of this while I was standing in the kitchen & looking around at empty soda cans lying around & left over food out on the counter top. I'm sure my face did something because then he said, "Well it's ok, I'm not here during the day so I don't see em. It's mainly at night that they come out." All of a sudden I had an image of me getting up in the middle of the night to get some water, turning on the light switch & seeing tons of bugs scurrying around as if I had interrupted their orgy while 'The Freaks Come Out At Night' plays. With that in my head I said, "Thank you for your time. I'll let you know." My next venture took me not too far from where I live now. But the minute I walked in I noticed it was incredibly hot. The girl who lived there I will call Mother Earth. She had tons of little candles lit, which I love, & some ambient music playing. Had I accidentally come to yoga class? I looked at the room which literally felt like the size of a shoe box. I envisioned my wall of cds & trying to get a bed & I just pictured myself being incredibly cramped. Also, I couldn't stop sweating. That's when Mother Earth told me that she didn't believe in Air Conditioners. "Are you serious?" I asked. She then told me about how sweating cleanses the soul & releases toxins from the body. I couldn't help myself so I giggled. Mother Earth was not amused & I felt as if I may get spanked or at least told to lay down in the downward dog position. So I asked, "Summer's here are kind of brutal. Don't you get hot?" "I run a small fan," Mother Earth replied. Hmmmm Mmmmmkyyyy. "Well thanks for showing me the place. I gotta run." A few days later I answered an ad that said Only Gay Men Respond to a Duplex in the East Village. Ok, so I've seen a dirty straight guy & I've seen Mother Earth. Let's check out the fellow gays. I showed up after work one night & not realizing it was going to rain, I had no Umbarella ella ella eh. So this nice older man answered the door. "Get in here young man before you catch cold! Where is your raincoat & umbrella?!" (They didn't go with my ensemble DER!)Instead I said, "I forgot them." Once inside he took me to the 2nd floor & we sat down in the 'common area'. A big fluffy cat ran through my legs & started purring loudly. "Whiskers just LOVES the handsome young ones," he said. Well thank you Whiskers, if you could actually say this to me I may just pee my pants. But back to the room. He wanted me to fill out the application forms which asked basic essential stuff like name & where I live now & when I'm looking to move blah blah. He showed me the room & it was really big for NY standards. I pictured myself being able to fit all my belongings perfectly in it. So we sat at a table & we started discussing things as Whiskers purred lovingly against my legs. He told me that there were 3 guys on each floor & that he stays in the basement with his partner & Whiskers & how he's owned the place for 30 years. He asked why I was leaving my current situation & I told him that my bf & I had broken up & I needed to find a new place to live. 'Oh Jesus, this must be terrible for you' with a quick touch to my knee & then to his heart. "Is this going to be a traumatic experience for you?" Puzzled, I said "No, it's not that at all. We just realized that it was something we needed to do." "Oh so you didn't catch him strung out on Meth & in bed with other men? That would have been terrible!" He gasped. "Ummmm yes that uh would have been," I said. I couldn't help but wonder if I had stumbled across a shelter for abused & battered gay house husbands. He then told me that if I was chosen & if I decided to take the room then I would need to get a new key from him every Friday. Confused I asked why. He then said that he liked to do that in case any one of his tenants got strung out & didn't pay their rent....ha...ha...ha. "What kind of people live here?!" I asked. "Oh, they're fine men. Don't get me wrong. They're in their 20's, 30's, all different kinds of jobs. But, you should just make sure that you lock your door to your room when you leave & things of that nature." Still puzzled, I said, "Well what about when I go to the bathroom? Should my door be locked then?" "Just to be safe, I mean... you never know if roommates are going to bring home random tricks that you won't know. That's why I suggest it, & you wouldn't want any one possibly going into your room to take advantage of you. They could be strung out!" Hmmmmmm mmmmkkkyyy. Just to confirm for myself I asked, "So you give out new keys every week & if I go to the bathroom I should lock the door? Hell, should I keep the door locked even if it's just me here?" "Well unless you would like for Whiskers or me to tuck you in at night," he giggled as he winked at me. Here's where I must say this: In the past few months, I've learned to start trusting my gut feelings more then anything & in this moment my gut feeling said, "Get the Fuck out before Creepy Old Gay Man rapes you. So with that I said, "Well, thank you for taking the time to show me the place......I'll definitely get back to you with an answer." As I went down the stairs to the door Whiskers followed me with a quickness. I couldn't help but think maybe this pussy was screaming to be saved. "Whiskers! You always try to leave with the handsome boys!" COGM replied & then made sure she was away from the door. As I opened the door to leave he said, "Here, have an umbrella. I would hate for you to be stuck in bed all alone with a cold." I said thank you but in my head I thought 'COGM you will never be my umbarella ella ella eh'.

Industry don't pay a price that's fair
All the common people breathing filthy air
Roof caved in on all the simple dreams
And to get ahead your heart starts pumping schemes

I have seen other places & not all places have been bad. There were a couple that were absolutely perfect for me & in my budget & location. Alas, someone else was picked out over me. Can you believe it? I KNOW! I can't either! So I just say to myself that hey, if it's meant to be then it will be for me. With everything, the tumor.... the break up, I've remained positive. Sometimes bad things happen, deal with it & move on. It's not like Jordan & I are at each other's throat's or anything so going home is not miserable by any means. If anything I've realized that NY living wise I've kind of lead a charmed life. I was in Hell's Kitchen for 5 1/2 yrs in a rent stabilized apt paying $400 for a massive room. That is unheard of. Then for the past 2 years I've called Union Square home. The thing is I've seen good apartments, I know they are out there. This past weekend I saw one I really liked & once again I find myself waiting to see if they pick me out of the people they've seen. Once again, I'll just have to wait & see.

I know there's a pot of gold for me
All I got to do is just believe
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
And I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance

Yesterday getting on the train to head back home I guess my head was in another place. I was going through my print outs of places I've seen. I re-read all my pluses & minuses on each apartment. Then I noticed right across the track there was an express train. I got up, bag in hand & started to get off. I heard a man yell. But it didn't seem like he was yelling at me. So I crossed the track & got on the express. Once I was at Union Square I got off & made my exit. I then thought about how Vadim had called me right before I got on the train & I figured I would call him back. I reached in my pocket only to realize that my phone was gone. Then it hit me, it must have fell out of my pocket when I was getting off the local train to get on the express train. Then I thought about the man yelling. Dammit! He was yelling for me. I turned around but knew there was no way of getting back to the train, it had already left in that amount of time. So I went to Verizon to see about getting a new one. The guy was really no help, just basically telling me that I should get a new one & then the old one would be disconnected. The catch would be to just sign another 2 year contract. Ah!!!!! More decisions! I couldn't deal at that moment & said that I'll come back. After I got home I thought 'Hey, maybe someone will answer my phone & then give it back to me'. Thats when Vadim apparently tried to call me back & a guy did answer so he called Jordan to let me know. I called from Jordan's phone & a guy with an Indian accent answered. Excited I said, "You have my phone!" "Yes, you left it on the subway & I yelled for you but you kept going." "Well, where are you now?" "I'm in Brooklyn," he said with a matter of fact tone. "So when are you coming back into the city because I need my phone?" I asked & at this point sounding irritated & frantic. "I don't know," he said & then hung up on me. I called back but he wouldn't answer. This made me L I V I D. So after dealing with Verizon once again, I had all calls blocked & reported that my phone was stolen. I also figured I would give him a day to do the right thing but as I sit here & try again, I'm understanding that he's an utter asshole & he's decided to keep my phone. So when I leave work in a little bit, I will be canceling my service & I think I will go to AT&T. Verizon was basically no help to me & at least with AT&T I could get rollover minutes. And hey, this is just continuing my way of starting anew. I want a new phone, a new number & dammit.... a new place to live. As for the guy who's taken my phone....I hope you die. I realize this is really harsh but, in the past 24 hrs I've had a mini breakdown. During this my head started hurting & right in the place that they cut into & in that moment I got really mad. I had never wanted a drink in my life so bad. I just couldn't shake the feeling of why me? But you know what, even good guys get the blues sometimes so I think it's ok if I say a few mean things. I'm sure I'll feel bad about it at another time. And in my head I hear Shuley's voice saying, "You're the only person I know that can fall in a pile of shit & somehow come out smelling like a rose." So that's how I'll end it. Thank you Shuley for that thought. It's put a smile upon my face & that I will be good is all I can hope for right now.

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer KING
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you