Rise Above

Traded in my sorrows
For some joy that I borrowed
From back in the day
Threw away my old clothes
Got myself a better wardrobe
I got something to say
I'm through with the past
Ain't no point in looking back
The future will be
And did I forget to mention
That I found a new direction
And it leads back to me

I'm spinning around
Move out of my way
I know you're feeling me
Cause you like it like this
I'm breaking it down
I'm not the same
I know you're feeling me
Cause you like it like this


This morning I got to work & for 6 months now I've done my daily ritual of taking my medication. As you may have known before I got the great news that that was all over. All I needed to do was slow the medication down. Today, my friends, is the last day. So when I popped the pill in my mouth at first it was like 'hmm ok this is it...ho hum!' I guess I was somehow thinking the moment would be more significant. I then thought about all the feelings & songs that had inspired me for months now. The ones that inspired me to know that everything was going to be good. Only then did I get semi-emotional. In so many ways, it's hard to fully digest & I think like all the other things it will hit me down the road.

As I said before, over the next few blogs I'm paying tribute to all my pop divas. Which brings me to Kylie Minogue. Some of you either know her as the 'Loco-Motion or La-La-La Girl'. This is tragic because the woman is huge in all other parts of the world. She had a bit of success here in the late 80's & then early 2000's. Then a few yrs ago she put everything on hold when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She stopped her Showgirl World Tour & went into treatment. Luckily for her, everything came out ok. Cancer is one of the leading causes of death among women & it's truly sad that so far there is no cure. Around the same time she was diagnosed my own aunt had her cancer scare. Much like a brain tumor this I imagine is a frightening experience. Months ago, they gave me a medication that is prescribed to cancer patients. A medication that is suppose to give you an appetite. Hence, why I put on 20 lbs. Kylie has described her whole ordeal & she talked about what it was like having to undergo the treatment. What it was like losing all her hair & then having to wait for everything to grow back (including eyelashes). I do understand that feeling. I felt the ugliest I have ever looked when I had to shave my head. The thought of the scar terrified me. Walking around in hats, hoping that it would grow out right. The weight gain that body was NOT ready for. It was like my body was saying 'Bitch what r u doing to me?!' All I could do was wait. This whole experience was like a waiting game.

Recently, Kylie was here in the US doing promo's for her album X that was just released here. She made an appearance on Ellen & it was a really good one. She talked about how initially she was mis-diagnosed & that she had to go to a second dr to find out for sure that is was breast cancer. After discussing this further Ellen asked her what her advice would be to other people in the same situation. She then said, "Rise Above." In that moment, I thought this is another reason why she is one of my girls. I thought about how even when I was at my most down I tried to stay determined. It was constantly something looking forward to. Something to strive for, being able to lift a Britta, able to take a shower, able to wash my head, eagerly awaiting hair growth & able to go back to the gym. I'll never forget the time when I was on the elyptical machine & I got so motivated that the machine started moving away from it's spot & then I was right behind another lady & she turned around & freaked out. I also think about what started to make me truly happy while I played the waiting game. Being on a dancefloor. For as long as I can remember that has brought me real happiness & when Kylie returned to the music scene she did that with the same intention.

In 1988 I was 10 & one of my favorite things to do was go to the skating rink with my friends. I would get all amped up & start skating my lil ass off when the dj would play Pump Up The Volume but what would REALLY get me going is when I would hear the beginning of the Loco-Motion. I bought the 45 for that single (which I STILL have) & I almost wore out my copy of her first album titled Kylie. To this day I can listen to each track on it with childhood glee. Produced by Stock Aitken Waterman, all tracks were upbeat pop & became huge all around the world. SAW also did tracks for Bananarama, Rick Astley & Donna Summer. The album sold 7.5 million globally & 6 singles were released internationally.

1. I Should Be So Lucky #1 Australia/UK #28 US
2. Got To Be Certain #1 Australia #2 UK
3. The Loco-Motion #1 Australia #2 UK #3 US
4. Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi (I Still Love You) #11 Australia #2 UK
5. It's No Secret #37 US
6. Turn It Into Love #1 Japan

A year later SAW churned out more pop hits for her in the album Enjoy Yourself. While it was released here in the states, I must have been the only one that bought the tape because it bombed here. I loved many songs on it because it kept the same pop formula & she even did a cover of Tears On My Pillow for a film called The Delinquents that she was in. The album went onto sell 6 million around the world.

1. Especially For You duet w/Jason Donovan #1 UK #2 Australia
2. Hand On Your Heart #1 UK #4 Australia
3. Wouldn't Change A Thing #2 UK #6 Australia
4. Never Too Late #4 UK #14 Australia
5. Tears On My Pillow #1 UK #20 Australia

Rhythm of Love was released in 1990 & saw Kylie going in the early 90's dance mode. While it only sold 1 million globally I still think it's a good dance album for that time period.

1. Better The Devil You Know #2 UK #4 Australia
2. Step Back In Time #4 UK #5 Australia
3. What Do I Have To Do? #6 UK #8 Australia
4. Shocked #6 UK #7 Australia

Let's Get To It was churned out in 1991 & literally by this point SAW had definitely reached it's peak of pop potential. While it had quite a few singles, it became one of her lowest selling albums to date.

1. Word Is Out #10 Australia #16 UK
2. If You Were With Me Now duet w/Keith Washington #4 UK #23 Australia
3. Give Me Just A Little More Time #2 UK #24 Australia
4. Finer Feelings #11 UK #60 Australia

Her first Greatest Hits was released in 92 & found her parting ways with SAW. The album contained a couple Tp 20 tracks What Kind Of Fool & a cover of Celebration. 2 years later the self titled Kylie Minogue was released on another label & found her going further into a dance area. In 95 her massive hit Confide In Me was released here in the states & I did manage to locate the single & it's to date one of my favorite Kylie songs. During this time she also did a rock collaboration with Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds that found massive success as well.

1. Confide In Me #1 Australia #2 UK #39 US Dance
2. Put Yourself In My Place #11 Australia & UK
3. Where Is The Feeling? #16 UK #31 Australia
4. Where The Wild Rose Grow w/Nick Cave #2 Australia #11 UK from the album Murder Ballads

1997 saw the release of what was suppose to be titled Impossible Princess. But when the death of Princess Diana happened that plan was scrapped at the last minute & they retitled it Kylie Minogue, which was odd since that was her last album's title. Musically, it was also a change from dance to a a more rock & indie sound. Which found the media labeling her Indie Kylie. In a video from one of the singles she played different versions of herself & it's actually one of my favorite video's ever. Dance Kylie, Indie Kylie, Sexy Kylie & Cute Kylie all battled each other. Who won in the end? Youtube it & find out.

1. Some Kind Of Bliss #22 UK #27 Australia
2. Did It Again #14 UK #15 Australia
3. Breathe #14 UK #23 Australia
4. Cowboy Style #39 Australia

As I stated before I moved to NYC in 2000 & in the summer I was working at HMV. Which was a massive music chain of stores that rivaled Virgin & Tower. Sadly, only Virgin remains. I remember the excitement I had when I heard that Kylie was coming out with a new album & the single kicking it off was a return to her dance pop roots. Spinning Around was actually meant to be Paula Abdul's comeback single & she even had a hand in writing it. But unfortunately for her, her music career was going to stay on hold until a little unknown show called American Idol would restart her career. Light Years became pure pop perfection. Churning out 6 singles that were released globally, it became her first album to go to #1 in her homeland Australia. She even made an appearance at the 2000 Summer Olympics since they were held that year in Sydney. I remember being all excited to actually see her on tv, but then the station here did not air her performance of On A Night Like This & instead showed her performance of Dancing Queen. This would have been extra lovely if the commentators hadn't talked throughout the whole thing. Either way Kylie was back & it was only the beginning of her musical resurgence.

1. Spinning Around #1 UK & Australia
2. On A Night Like This #1 Australia #2 UK
3. Kids duet w/Robbie Williams #2 UK #14 Australia
4. Please Stay #10 UK #15 Australia
5. Your Disco Needs You #20 Australia
6. Butterfly #14 US Dance

Once I saw that Butterfly was commercial released here I scooped it up & then I heard that she was coming out with new material to follow up her previous success. I had no idea that she would blow up the way she did. Cathy Dennis found success in the US dance market & top 10 success in the early 90's with classics like Touch Me & Just Another Dream. She had went on to release a few other albums but then completely dropped out of the scene & focused on writing. It was then in 2001 that she wrote Can't Get You Out Of My Head which became the biggest hit of Kylie's career. It went to #1 in countries all around the world & finally found a release here. I managed to get on TRL & they had a dance competition. The prize was you got to meet Kylie & see her tour live. Fatima something something was the judge & somehow did not pick me & picked this blonde girl who barely knew who Kylie was. I was livid & to this day I hold a semi grudge against that beyotch. But then, things got sooo much better when I found out that Kylie was coming to NYC to do a signing for Fever at Virgin. So in February of 2002 I was ecstatic to be able to meet her & have her sign my cd. I don't know what it is about my diva's but they get me all silent & nervous. She was incredibly petite but looked absolutely gorgeous. I told her I had been a fan since 88 & that it had been hard to keep track of her music here but I was a diehard fan. She smiled & said thank you & that she appreciated all the love from her US fans. Fever went on to be her biggest seller, 9 million world wide & achieved a peak of #3 here. Come Into My World also won her a Grammy for Best Dance Recording.

1. Can't Get You Out Of My Head #1 UK/Australia #7 US #1 US Dance
2. In Your Eyes #1 Australia #3 UK
3. Love At First Sight #2 UK #3 Australia #23 US #1 US Dance
4. Come Into My World #4 Australia #8 UK #91 US #20 US Dance

Body Language was released in 2003 & found her changing up her music style going for a more R&B but still dance approach. Some say it was an appeal to the US market but unfortunately it didn't find the massive amount of success that Fever had done before it. In one song it found her doing a cheeky rap which was 10 million times better then Madonna's attempt in American Life. But that's just my opinion. That track Secret is still a stand out & I always found it funny that Black Eyes Peas used the same sample to create their monster hit Don't Phunk With My Heart. Unfortunately no record companies are listening to me about what songs are better to release. So oh well.

1. Slow #1 UK & Australia #91 US #1 US Dance
2. Red Blooded Woman #4 Australia #5 UK #24 US Dance
3. Chocolate #6 UK #14 Australia

Over a decade her record companies released a plethora of Greatest hits & remixes. Probably more then any other current artist. So in 2004 it was kind of a shock to see the release of Ultimate Kylie. But what this album did was pull singles from the SAW, Deconstruction & Parlophone releases. A DVD with all the videos was released as well & of course I had to have both. This also saw the pairing of her with the Scissor Sisters. Another reason for me to be jealous of sexy Jake. The album sold 3 million globally.

1. I Believe In You #2 UK #6 Australia #3 US Dance
2. Giving You Up #6 UK #8 Australia

After all the success of the treatment & a return to the stage for the rest of the Showgirl Tour, Kylie went back into the studio for her 10th studio album. Appropriately titled X, Kylie said she wanted to get back on the dancefloor & I'm so glad she did. The tracks on this album are perfect for dancing but unfortunately I think they are lost on the American audience. Why I don't know. I was originally appalled to hear that her record company put Mims on the remix to her single All I See. I never cared for This Is Why I'm Hot, but most of the hip-hop crap is lost on me these days. Somehow the version grew on me but I don't think it's going to grow on anyone else here. If someone had been listening to me & my gays & Perez, then Speakerphone would have been released. The album debuted at a very disappointing #139 here & I see no signs of a chart rebirth. I did notice on a new episode of Gossip Girl they had Ripping Up The Disco playing in a club scene. Which actually, isn't even a track on the album. It's an extra digital download. Oh well, Kylie can you here me? I guess not, you're too bizzy rehearsing for your tour that's going to kick off soon & there is a performance scheduled in London right before my birthday in July. Ahhhhhh, in a perfect world kids I would be there. But, I highly doubt that's going to happen. Oh well, a guy can dream right?

1. 2 Hearts #1 Australia #4 UK
2. Wow #5 UK #11 Australia #19 US Dance Airplay (but guess what it is still climbing so let's hope)
3. In My Arms (scheduled to be released in the UK next month)
4. All I See #43 US Dance (but also moving up)

Well if you're still with me through all this then you MUST be interested in Kylie. AND IF NOT, then look it up. It's all good music to dance to. Now that there's no more rain in my life I definitely think it's time to shine. This is how it feels in my arms. And to all my boys........meet me out because YOUR DISCO NEEDS YOU!

The Art of Balance

This is a story about control, my control
Control of what I say, control of what I do
And this time I'm gonna do it my way
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Are we ready? I am? Cause it's all about control
And I've got lots of it

I was 7 years old when the album Control came out. My mom had bought the record & I actually still have the tape that I wore out. I remember dancing around to Nasty over & over again. It was then that I began my love for all things Janet. In the course of the next 4 blogs I am going to give mad love to my favorite female pop icons of all time. (As if I haven't done it enough over the past few years) In this first one I'm discussing Janet Jackson. I remember seeing re runs of Good Times as a kid & seeing poor little Penny about to be burned by her mother, my mom said, "See, at least when you're bad I don't do those things to you!" Then years & years later I found myself being inspired by Janet through her videos & her dancers in the videos. I would re-wind them over & over so I would get the breakdowns just right. She's one hell of an entertainer & unfortunately I've never seen any of her tours. In the summer of 2004 I found out that she was going to be the surprise performer at the Pier Dance that happens during Gay Pride. So i braved the crowd & made sure I was there. She did 'All Nite' which is literally one of my favorite dance songs ever & to this day I blame Super Bowl Boob Gate for it not charting well. When 2.0. YO came out she performed on the Today show & I made sure I was there as well. If you youtube this you can probably see me near the front because of the blonde blonde hair I had at the time. My love for Janet even hit fever pitch just a few months ago when she was at Best Buy doing an album signing. I realize I wrote about this a few months ago but in case you don't know she told me I was 'sooooo cute' in her soft spoken voice & the brightness in her eyes & smile caused me to be speechless. I had told her that I wouldn't have missed her appearance for the world & before I knew it the security guard whisked me off.

I've been a big fan of her movies as well. Although they come few & very far in between Poetic Justice is still a standout. Why Did I Get Married was incredibly good with her winning an acting award for her role. Nutty Professor was what it was.....Janet looking too cute & an excuse to give some serious dance breakdown moves in the Doesn't Really Matter video.

I would like to say that I have all her albums but alas I actually do not have Janet Jackson 1982 debut album & I also don't have Dream Street. They had some success on the R&B charts & out of those my favorite is 'Young Love'. I actually remember seeing her on American Bandstand with the one ear ring & saying it was the keys to animal cages at Neverland Ranch.

Like I stated before it was the Control album that made me dance my lil 7 yr old ass off. Released in '86 she exploded & had the first of her 6 #1 albums. The tracks of a new empowered woman really set it off with people around the world going onto sell 5 million just in the US. I still listen to it constantly & the pairing with Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis was musical brilliance. 7 of the 9 tracks were released commercially:
1. What Have You Done For Me Lately #4 Pop #1 R&B
2. Nasty #3 Pop #1 R&B
3. When I Think Of You #1 Pop #3 R&B
4. Control #5 Pop #1 R&B
5. Let's Wait Awhile #2 Pop #1 R&B
6. The Pleasure Principle #14 Pop #1 R&B
*7. Funny How Time Flies (When You're Having Fun) #59 UK

* means this was only released in the UK & not pushed as a single in the US

In 1989 none of us were ready for the social commentary of Rhythm Nation, but somehow she made the ability to wake up about social injustice danceable. The way that each video stood out from the rest was on a whole new level. The dance moves, the 5,4,3,2,1....the R&B, the dance, the rock. The fact alone that she blended all so cleverly is still un-matched today. 7 top 5 hits from one album put her in the record books & if the last single had been released commercially it would have given her 8. Selling 6 million copies in the US it remains one of her best sellers.
1. Miss You Much #1 Pop & R&B
2. Rhythm Nation #2 Pop #1 R&B
3. Escapade #1 Pop #1 R&B
4. Alright #4 Pop #2 R&B
5. Come Back To Me #2 Pop & R&B
6. Black Cat #1 Pop #10 R&B
7. Love Will Never Do (Without You) #1 Pop #3 R&B
*8. State Of The World #5 Airplay Pop #23 R&B

*not released as a commercial single so it was ineligible to chart on all Billboard charts

1993's janet album is arguably my most favorite Janet album EVER. I could listen to each track literally without skipping. Which is very rare in any artist. She went beyond the rhythm of her nation & took us to where her love goes. It was the first time she brought out the abs & the sexy times. We also got to meet the dancers & Tina Landon went on to be a major choreographer because of the moves she made for Janet. I'm surprised I didn't wear out my tape of the if video the way I was rewinding over & over again. It's no joke that when they play it in the club I do pop out of nowhere to do this breakdown. As does half the other dancers I know. It always puts a smile upon my face. The album sold 6 million copies as well in the US & it also started her contract with Virgin after leaving A&M. It was widely reported that she made quite a profit after this. Der! Ms Jackson ain't stupid y'all. 10 singles were released from this one & 6 of those were released in the US. A couple even featured B sides that made noise of their own on airplay charts.
1. That's The Way Love Goes #1 Pop & R&B
*2. Where Are You Now #30 Pop Airplay
3. If #4 Pop #3 R&B
4. Again #1 Pop #7 R&B nominated for best song Oscars
5. Because Of Love #10 Pop #9 R&B
6. Any Time, Any Place/And On And On #2 Pop #1 R&B/#36 Pop Airplay #12 R&B Airplay
*7. Throb #66 Airplay #2 Dance
8. You Want This/70's Love Groove #8 Pop #9 R&B/#45 R&B Airplay
*9 Whoops Now/What'll I Do #9 UK

*Where Are You Now got airplay just off the excitement of That's The Way Love Goes & was never released commercially. Throb was an additional b-side to Any Time, Any Place & was remixed for clubs where it found major success. It was released on its own in the Netherlands. Whoops Now was the secret bonus track at the end of the album & was released as a double sided single in the UK

Design of a Decade was released in 1995 as a greatest hits album but actually only contained one track from the Virgin label. This was because the former label A&M released this album. I bought the import version because it included a remix to the song she did with Luther Vandross which was a top 10 hit in '92. This also had 2 new singles that place as book ends between the other singles.
1. Runaway #3 Pop #6 R&B
*2. Twenty Foreplay #32 R&B #22 UK
*3. The Best Things In Life Are Free 97 remix #7 UK

*Twenty Foreplay was released here to Airplay but in the Uk it got an actual commercial release. Meanwhile The Best Things... was released there because it had not originally been released in 92.

The Velvet Rope was released at the end of 1997 & is what most considers her 'dark' album. She explores the sexuality concept a little more, covers a Rod Stewart classic & didn't change the words which made some people start the whole Janet is bi concept. Mind you she added that just in the interlude where she masturbates while another female friend is listening. Mind you this is probably one of my favorite quotes when the girl says 'your coochie's gonna swell up & fall apart!' The album went on to sell 3 million in the US.
*1. Got Til It's Gone feat Q-Tip & Joni Mitchell #36 Pop Airplay #3 R&B Airplay #6 UK
2. Together Again #1 Pop #8 R&B
3. I Get Lonely #3 Pop #1 R&B
*4 Go Deep #28 Pop #11 R&B
*5. You #30 Japan
*6. Every Time #47 UK

*Unfortunately, Virgin didn't release many singles from this album & chose to release them elsewhere in the world. This was the start of that problem here in the US. Videos were made & shown here but that was to be all of that. I think it's because they didn't want to release them & have them seem like failures because they didn't go top 10.

By 2001 All For You was released to wonderful reviews & dance gems in abundance. Janet was honored as an MTV Icon & the single All For You held the top spot for 7 weeks. Only That's The Way Love Goes went longer. This album had so many good dance songs on it & I was surprised when they weren't released as singles. I know I heard them in all the clubs I went to regularly. The album sold 3 million in the US. This album even included the remix of the #1 hit she had the year before from the Nutty professor 2 soundtrack. Due to the fact that Billboard now had changed rules that airplay songs could chart Son of a Gun charted even thought it wasn't commercially released.
1. Doesn't Really Matter #1 Pop #3 R&B
2. All For You #1 Pop & R&B
3. Someone To Call My Lover #3 Pop #11 R&B
4. Son Of A Gun feat. Missy Elliot & Carly Simon #28 Pop #26 R&B
*5. Come On Get Up #7 Japan

*only released commercially in Japan

Ahhhhhh & now we come to Super Bowl Boob Gate. Controversy galore & there's no need to rehash it. I mean seriously, do you not walk around waiting for your boob to be accidentally exposed as you're wearing a star like thing over your nip???? Ok so I don't either. Janet tried to play it off as an accident & stuck to her guns. Now mind you a month before it all went down I remember seeing an interview with Jermaine Dupri saying how everyone was going to be talking about her performance. Then magically everyone involved after was like oops! I don't know how that happened. To this day I feel what is the big deal over a boob. We can see worse things on the telly each & every day such as war & violence. But apparently boobs are a bigger ordeal.
Shortly after Damita Jo was released in 2004 & to this day I still think there are some choice cuts on it. I already stated All Nite is one of my fav jams & if it comes on where I'm at I can't help but start breaking it down. R'n'B Junkie was serious hotness & sould have been released. I think the over all tone was probably too sexual for this album which scared people off. I mean even I wondered, girl didn't you discover sex 10 yrs ago? The album sold a little over 1 million copies & was the first of hers to be considered a flop. MTV had stopped airing her videos & only a few singles were released.
1. Just A Little While #45 Pop #1 Dance
*2. I Want You #57 Pop #18 R&B
*3. All Nite (Don't Stop) #1 Dance #90 R&B #19 UK
*4. R&B Junkie #2 Japan #101 R&B

* I Want You & All Nite was released as a double single in the Uk. Japan got R&B Junkie & we got to see her perform it on a tv show here.

2006 saw the release of 2.0. Y.O & was suppose to remind everyone of Control. Unfortunately for Janet's case it just reminded everyone that those songs were sooooo much better then these. Once again I found the songs that were good but no one was listening to me. In a perfect world Enjoy would have been released because it was classic Janet & reminded me of Whoops Now! To this day I still hate Call on me as the lead single but apparently the R&B audience loved it. The album sold 700,000 copies which was incredibly disappointing & this found her leaving Virgin for good.
1. Call On Me w/Nelly #25 Pop #1 R&B
2. So Excited #90 Pop #34 R&B
*3. Enjoy Japan release only
*4. With U #65 R&B

*Seriously, is Japan the only one reading my thoughts? They got the song that should have been huge here. It just re-iterates the fact that if I released an album there they would live for me no doubt. With U was released as a promo single & I have the vinyl record to show for it.

Now we come to Discipline which had me at the title. Especially with everything that has happened to me I've discovered the things in my life needed balance & in order to have this balance I would need some major Discipline. This album was released on her new label Island Def Jam & it was promised that this album was going to be classic Janet. My first listen found me not thinking that so much. Seriously too many ballads in the end & had me thinking maybe Jermaine has her on her back a little too much. But then the more I listened to it, the other songs really grew on me. Feedback had me the minute it came out & so did all the other Janet fan friends of mine. Texts & calls exploding saying 'have u heard this new hotness?!' So why this didn't catch on I have no idea. Musically it's much better then the last one & at least it did debut at #1. Sadly, it's fallen dreadfully down & I have a feeling it may not recover. Either way as I write this I'm listening to the good tracks.
1. Feedback #19 Pop #39 R&B
2. Rock With U
3. Luv

I didn't mention the other singles but there have been plenty of other good ones to mention such as her top 5 duets with brother Michael on Scream, What's It Gonna Be?! with Busta Rhymes, Diamonds w/Herb Albert in the 80's. Yes bitches, I didn't forget & in case any of you don't believe me & my chart statistics feel free to check them out yourself on wikipedia.

Nick's Never-ending Story

For most people this a regular old Friday. Co-workers are walking around saying TGIF. It's slightly gloomy outside & it's much colder then it was yesterday. This week work has felt long & I've been doing my best to get things out of boxes. That's right folks. My move did go scheduled as planned. All the gays came out for my public affair. Vadim was actually on time. Scott showed up even after having some Saturday night shenanigans. Chase rolled out of bed in Queens & stopped by. Big Tom had helped me pack the night before & his packing abilities are extraordinary. Larry was there to offer all the help & more that I could ask of a best friend. I can't say thank you enough to Jeremy & Andy for the use of their cars. Andy's poor car took a beating from putting one of my cd shelves on top of it. Andy, seriously my babies & I can not thank you enough. I owe all these men some major gratitude but as always its nice to know I can count on real friends. Some other people even offered but I had so many people there was no need to get more help. You could even try to think of a joke, 'How many gays does it take to organize Nick's room?' On 2nd thought, don't come up with that joke bitches or I will hunt you down. This was probably the easiest & quickest move I've ever made. Even Jordan did things to help me. I think we continue to surprise people of how well we're doing. Hell, I guess we are this yrs Nico & Larry. For those that don't know, you can say we're the gay Demi & Bruce (only no kids & no Ashton lol). Although we have been broken up for months & we've done separate things on our own, somehow now it felt really real. I think we had gotten so used to each other being there that it had not fully sunk it what it may feel like when the day finally arrived. Moving day held a lot of moments for me. Happiness for finally finding the place I was happy with & also being able to be fully on my own. But giving the keys back to Jordan felt incredibly sad as I took my last box out of the apt. Looking at him & both of us knowing what the other was thinking. It felt sad knowing that we both had tried to make something work but it failed. I guess it goes back to that phrase of 'if you love something let it go.' Over time I've admitted there are a lot of phrases that I have not liked but in the past few months I can now fully understand.


I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you


In so many ways it felt weird being back in the old hood. Things had changed but in some ways so many things had stayed the same. I thought of the young Nick who was just getting to know NY. There are differences between this new Nick & the old one, but in some ways not really. It's funny what we have to go through just in order to get back to the basics. I'm definitely wiser but as I think about that old Nick, he may have been naive but he definitely was no dummy. This remixed & revisited version feels nice though. Going to the gym I used to go to everyday felt like I had stepped back in time. I saw a couple of friends that I hadn't seen in a while & I said, "Wow! How are you? Where have you been?" Then one said, "We've been here all along, the question is where have you been?" I couldn't help but laugh. That was the question that I had been trying to answer for what seems too too long.


I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho


All week I have been unpacking boxes & trying to figure out where things should go. I had some long hrs at work so that cut into it. Cable was up & running on Tuesday thank goodness. Having my electronic best friend silent hurt my heart. Sleeping somewhere new also takes some getting used to but once again tylenol pm totally helps that. But Wednesday night was a lil harder. I kept waking up every hour on the hour & my dreams were plagued with MRI's & results & ifs & so many other things. Finally it was officially Thursday morning & I turn on the tv to hear the weatherman tell me that we were going to have the best day of the week. 71 degrees! No coat! Hmmmm, I could possibly wear some shorts. As I stepped outside & saw how beautiful it was I couldn't help but think 'God is about to put a smile upon my face.' I made my way to the hospital & met up with Larry. Being that he was there with me when I got the initial news of the tumor last October I was happy that he was going to be here for whatever news I was going to face. The nurse was exceptionally nice & decided to tell me stories of her life while she was poking at my arm. Next was the prep for the MRI. If you have never had an MRI, let me explain this procedure. They give you things to put in your ears & then cover your ears with cloths because of all the noise the machines make. Then you're placed in the machine & depending on what areas need to be examined they start to put your body in it. Being that this was my head, ALL of me went into this machine. Which has always freaked me out because I feel like I'm in a coffin. Knowing that I get slightly scared they gave me this bulb thing to squeeze in case I do indeed get freaked out. Depending on what they're doing, you can be in it for about 30 minutes or more. I had decided that I would start counting how many top 40 hits Mariah & Madonna had to pass the time. Ok, laugh but this can seriously pass the time. I was full on ready to do the same with Janet & others but a weird thing happened. As I lay in it a calmness came over me. For the first time in that machine I fell asleep just after I had got through Mariah's list. In that process I had also let go of the bulb. The next thing I knew, it was over & now all I had to do was wait for the results in a few hrs. Larry & I went for lunch & we chatted about everything from Billboard statistics to how I would feel regarding any news that the dr gave me. Finally, it was time to go back to see the dr. He escorted me back to his office & said ok let me show you the results.

On his computer he had the MRI scan from January & the scan from earlier that morning. I can now see why he didn't initially show me the one from January & why I had to stay on the medication. It did show the places from the tumor & the cysts. It looked kind of scary to me. Then I looked at the new one. There were no longer places from the cysts showing & the place that was the original tumor was a teeny, tiny spot. "Ummmm I'm no MD but this looks good to me," I said. "That's right, you're all healed." I sat there stunned for a moment & then I felt them coming out & I couldn't contain them. Tears. Dammit, now once again I fully understand a new phrase 'Tears of Joy.' It was like I was on an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition & Ty was giving me a new house! Then the dr said, "This is good news Nick!" And I yelled, "I Know!!!!!"


Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelings can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it


For months now I have prepped myself repeatedly for news. How would I feel about this? How would I feel about that? I felt like I had went up against some bad odds & came out swinging. I thought about how when they first told me for a moment I was shattered. Now someone was telling me 'Nick Padron, you can have your life back. Stop being afraid.' It's been 6 months & in so many ways it feels so much longer. I remember thinking that April was way too far away. To also have him tell me I can stop taking my medication was literally the cherry on top. I thought about everything I had gone through in this amount of time & for a hot second I felt like it wasn't real. It was almost like all the moments flashed in front of me. Surgery, the hospital, the headaches, the meds that took too much of a toll on me, weight gain, tiredness, & the fear that this could all possibly happen again. Even trying to describe this in this blog, it's like I can't find the appropriate words to describe how I feel. I also think about how I felt from the get go. The defiance I felt about what this was going to do me, the anger I felt that something else was having control. It's funny what one MRI can do. I should write that as a song but somehow I don't see that title at the top of the pop charts. I'm reminded of that movie The Never-Ending Story & how Atreyu overcame the Nothing. Turns out that the Nothing was a bunch of unhappiness trying to take over Fantasia. For way too long I masked unhappiness in drinking & going out & forgetting the night. I don't ever want to forget something again. I don't want to be told of antics or shenanigans that I have done. I don't ever want anything to control me again. In the past few months I have learned I'm just as fabu sober as I am drunk. But, it's no lie that I've been annoyed that I've not been able to have a drink with people because I can't. If I'm not going to drink I want that to be because I don't WANT to drink.

Ok, before you think I have gone nanners & I'm on a rant I just want to say I'm completely happy & April 10th 2008 will be in my memory forever. In ways it marks a rebirth. The tumor may have been a really bad thing, but I also think about how it gave me the kick in the ass that I needed. While I sat in that bed waiting to get better I thought of all the things that I wanted to finish doing. This is just the end to a chapter & I have plenty more stories to tell.

A Distant Dreamer Chasing Pavements

Ive made up my mind
dont need to think it over
If im wrong I am right

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waiting as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should i give up
Or should i just keep Chasing Pavements
Even if it leads no where,
Or would it be a waste
Even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
Should i give up
Or should i just keep Chasing Pavements
Even if it leads nowhere


On March 6 I celebrated my 8 yr anniversary with the longest relationship I’ve ever had. NYC & I have had our ups & downs. But somehow I still keep sticking around. Maybe because there’s no place like it. I mean sure it’s loud, it’s cranky, it can be so many things. But somehow I have not given up. In this 8 yr time I’ve only moved 3 times. Which is not a lot considering how often some people move. As you know for the past few months I’ve been preparing for the 4th move. Let me say this with the utmost honesty.....it has not been easy. But I also need to add this....it could have been so much harder. Originally I thought things would be so different. I was worried I would have to move some place that I hated, but this was not the case. I had the luxury of taking time to find the right place for me. That’s not to say I’ve had some false starts. I almost moved 2 different times but my gut was like ’Nick, this is not a good idea.’ As we know, this Gut has been incredibly right with so many things the past few months so I decided it was probably right with these situations as well. As it turns out it was. So for a few weeks I just gave up. I said let it be & when it is the proper time & right place it will work out. I’m incredibly grateful to Jordan for being ok with this as well. I think our whole situation has not only surprised us but many other people as well. I think a few people were waiting for drama to rear it’s ugly head at any moment, but thankfully it did not. Then last weekend I ran across an ad that piqued my interest. A room available in an apt in Hell’s Kitchen, my old hood. One of the roommates was moving out while the other was staying. So they were looking for the right fit. After interviewing 18 other people, they thought that I would be the best fit. I felt like I won American Apt Idol.

For 2 & half months now, I have been chasing pavements all over. Hell’s Kitchen, The West AND East Village, Gramercy, Midtown East, Upper West Side..... I even traveled my ass up to the Upper Upper Upper West Side. Thats just the actual places I saw. Mind you, I sent out countless emails about others. I realized what was fake & what was real on Craigslist. I would see these apts & meet roommates & after a while I said I’m about to go on an audition because really that’s what it felt like. For so many years I had lived the charmed life so in order to retain it, I was certainly going to have to work for it. Not to say I wasn’t picky. I’m sure I could have moved somewhere atrocious for a hot month or 2 but honestly I do not see the fun in moving stuff back & forth over & over again. When I move it’s like ’ok, everything is going to have it’s place now because I ain’t doing this shit again.’

Which is also why I decided to be silent for a while blog wise. For the past month or so I’ve been uber bitchy about some things. Work has not been the same because of certain revelations. I’ll not get into it now, but I will attest to the fact that even before 2008 started I created a plan. So let me just say one thing at a time. Going out has had it’s ups & downs. I’m thankful to some of my brothers & sisters in the game of not drinking but still tearing up a dancefloor. It’s the times when I am the only sober one that has gotten the best of me. There’s been a few people who have said, "I’ll be glad when you can drink again," as they chug down their own. Which leads me to think ’Dammit! I’m pleasant! I can be tons of fun. I AM tons of fun but you’ll not remember this tomorrow because you’re so damn drunk!" What I find interesting is it’s never ’When are you off your medication? Or when will you find out if everything is completely ok?’ Maybe I’m being overly sensitive. Which is one of the reasons why I chose not to blog for so long. I was worried my complete saltiness would come out & being that that is not normally me I didn’t want to project that image. But in all honesty, at times its felt like no one has fully understood what I have gone through. With every little headache, or times when I get a tad dizzy in dance class or when I feel just too tired I worry that it all may come back. Then I think about the months of crap I went through & it makes me angry because I don’t want to go through it again. But I refuse to let these thoughts weigh me down. Even typing these words makes me feel bad because I worry that it may sound somewhat harsh. So instead I will use this space to put the words down to a song I recently discovered by an artist just making waves in the UK scene. Her name is Duffy & she’s had a massive hit with a song called Mercy. I seem to like less & less of the music that is released here so I’ve been branching out for other things. This song is called Distant Dreamer & I’m upset that I did not come up with the words first. As you know, I always post lyrics in my blogs & I’m not doing it for filler people. I do it because the lyrics fit my life & the blog. So here is Distant Dreamer. Look it up on Youtube. It’s on there as well & the song is absolutely beautiful.


Although you think I cope,
my head is filled with hope...
of some place other than here.

Although you think I smile,
inside & all the while...
I’m wondering about my destiny.

I’m thinking about,
all the things,
I’d like to do in my life.

I’m a dreamer,
a distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope, from today.

Even when you see me frown,
my heart won’t let me down,
because I know there’s better things to come (Woah Yeah).

And when life gets tough,
I feel I’ve had enough,
I hold on to a distant star,

I’m thinking about,
all the things,
I’d like to do in my life...

I’m a dreamer,
A distant dreamer,
dreaming for hope from today.


And just in case you’re wondering. I move next weekend. I’m utterly thankful for all my boys who are going to help me. The week after that is my next MRI & Dr’s appointment. I’m holding on to hope & praying that it comes out A Ok. Months ago I thought I would be happy to drink again. But in light of all recent events, I don’t look forward to it the way I once did. I just want to go on living my life & know that everything will be ok.

Spicing Up My Pleasure Principle

Light Skin, Dark Skin, My Asian Persuasion,
I Got them all that's why these girls out here hatin
Cause I'm sexy

As I am still holding out to sign up for Facebook, let me say greetings to all my Myspacers. To the Asians still sending me smiles on Friendster, 'Ni hao!' To a sexy frenchman I know, 'Bonjour!' Since I can't speak french I'll let some funky music do the talking. 'Zdravstvuite!' to my boys that know Russian. And dammit to the guy who just sent me another smile on Frienster.....'Konichiwa bitches!' Nick loves you all!
Children, I have been too salty for my own damn good. The month of February was about to do big baby in. Mr. Cohen decided to give me his cold that attacked him after his bday shenanigans. I have done my best to do battle against it by downing Orange juice, Robitussin, more vitamin C, & Airborne in my hot tea everyday. So currently, I'm winning the war that the cold has tried to plague me with. All around work, people have been coughing. On the subway random strangers cough their head off. It seems all over the country people have gotten sick. Which has not aided in my lovely mood. Since I last blogged, I did switch phone companies & got a new phone number so if I don't have yours yet, give it to me. Looking for the right apartment has also come to an abrupt stop. It's not that I am not moving but for right now, it's stagnant. There was a place that I was about to move into but alas my gut ended up being right. Mind you, I will save that story for another blog. A few weeks ago I found myself just feeling too run down & some headaches were becoming a little bothersome. So I called the doctor & spoke with him. His first question was has there been any more seizures? So I was like no & just told him about what I was feeling. Then he got all Dr. Phil for a hot minute or 2 & called me out. He asked what had been going on in my personal life. So I told him about the break up, the looking for a right apartment & work & other things. He then said, "Nick, this is too much stress." Then he said, "What's the one thing that you want most?" I paused for a moment & then immediately said, "I don't want to have to take this medication anymore & I want to be better!" He then said, "Well you're recovery time is going to be slower if you keep letting the stress get you down." It was like when Glinda told Dorothy that she had always had the power to go back to Kansas. I sometimes forget that I am not He-Man & I've just been so excited that things have felt like they had been moving quickly. The Dr reminded me that for many people it takes a long time to recover & as much as I want to get better I have to remember it's a process. It's just hard being that I am stubborn & want things to happen MUCH quicker. In my head I envisioned the scene in Steel Magnolia's where Sally Field has a break down & then if this were a scene on stage Larry could play the part perfect going, "I can run from here to Texas but Nick can't. I wanna know whyyyy?!!! why???!!" (editor's note: Larry this is your big scene, I hope you live for your shout out)
Joking aside, I completely see what the dr is saying. Even my horoscope's have been calling me out telling me to chill the fuck out. Meanwhile, I was like what you know bout me?! Bless my own heart I guess. So to make a long story short & I took the dr's advice. He said do some stuff that you like. Get yourself in a good mood.

I said hey now look around, pick yourself up off the ground
Never give up on the good times, gotta believe in the love you find
(Never give it up no, never give it up no oh oh)
Never give up on the good times, living it up is a state of mind
(Never give it up no, never give it up no oh oh)

Lately, I've been reminiscing about many things. Things just haven't been the same for so long & I've been trying to savor bits & pieces of memories from yesteryear. The saltiness was getting the best of me. So what do you do when you got too much salt in your diet? You add some spice & in my case I needed 5 spices. Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger & Posh. Yes, that's my lot. Last week I saw them at Madison Square Garden & I must say they were awesome. The vibe was all about some Girl Power & even though 10 yrs have passed they were still able to Spice Up My Life. The crowd was made up of tweens, teens, girls in their 20's & plenty of gays. They opened with Spice Up Your Life & went through Stop, Say You'll Be There but my personal favs were Wannabe, Who Do You Think You Are & Viva Forever. Each of the girls did a solo that was on fire but Geri, who has always been my favorite, put the stage on fire for her rendition of It's Raining Men. Mel C had a light show during her one woman I Turn To You. Emma took us back for a 60's vibe for Maybe. Mel B got all whip tastic during Are You Gonna Go My Way & Victoria ate up the camp appeal as she literally did a runway walk to Like A Virgin/Supermodel. Strangely enough, she kept getting the most cheers when she would sing solo. During Mama, they brought out their kids & lil Cruz got the most attention doing head stands & back flips. He was quite the charmer. By the time the show was over, we all left with a smile upon our face & I felt like I was 19 again.

Yes I still remember,
Every whispered word
The touch of your skin, giving life from within
Like a love song that I'd heard
Slipping through our fingers,
Like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved
Has reflections in my mind
Hasta Manana,
Always be mine
Viva forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, like the sun
Live forever,
For the moment
Ever searching for the one

As things change & people move on, its been interesting to see the dynamics in the groups change. Even as I read blogs that I posted last year & think about things that happened over the summer there's no doubt about it. Things are different & what will be will be. There's no going back & the only way to grow is to learn from the past. Which I think I'm doing. Slowly but surely. Which seems to be my unspoken mantra now ever since the tumor. The question of, "When are you going to be able to drink again?" has become almost annoying as "Have you found an apartment yet?" And that's not to make any one feel bad about asking, it has just added to the 'oh my god your guess is as good as mine' as I semi laugh. Like everything else that has happened I just try to remember there is a reason for this. This too shall pass. The other day at lunch I was chatting with a co-worker about work related stuff. My boss told me last week that she is leaving NYC & moving back to LA. So this week I've been trying to finish up certain stuff for her. Last year, I was not at all happy about having to do assistant work & fought it the whole way. Somehow over time I became ok with it. So when she told me she had decided she didn't want to live here anymore, I laughed & thought about how life is weird. Just when I had become ok with being her assistant things were about to change. As I was telling my co-worker who used to help me on work related stuff she then told me that she was going to have to go on leave. She said that she was going to take time off to stay with her mother as she goes through chemo for cancer that she just found out she had. Her mom is 66 & she said she was really worried about her. She said,"My mom has always been so independent & I just don't see how she's going to get through this." With that being said, she told me her mom exclaimed, "This ain't gonna take me down! I will get through this!" It reminded me of me. It also reminded me that there are plenty of other people who have it worse. Either way, she'll be in my prayers.
A week or so ago I was in the middle of the dancefloor getting my dance on when I just happened to see an old friend that I hadn't seen in a long time. He said, "Wow, Nick you look great!" Which was music to my ears & then he brought up something else. He tells me about how he had heard about the break up & I was like yes, it happened but everything will be ok. It was then he said, "Oh don't worry. I'm sure you'll find a new husband before you know it." An interesting comment to make at least to me so I told him that I'm perfectly fine being single. Unfortunately, it's not the first of those comments. For years I remained single & sure having a bf is nice & wonderful BUT I've never understood why people feel that they are not complete unless they have a gf/bf. The other night while out & about I was playing my role of Sober Sister Sally & my friend Jason was getting his drink on. Countless men kept coming up to him trying to get with him & he said, "Geez, when it rains it pours!" I laughed & then said, "Oh bitch eat it up. Besides ain't no one showing me love!" In his drunken state he told me that I was giving out a vibe that says don't talk to me. I was shocked! I am no bitch & if anything I've just been all about dancing & getting my grooves on. He said, "there are plenty of guys checking you out trying to get your attention but you're not having it." I thought about it but it had not really dawned on me. I pondered it for a hot minute while he got his drunken love fest on with a random guy & I thought about the basic principle. Nick from a long time ago probably would have tried to run through a list of men but the Nick now doesn't need that. As I thought about this a guy stopped in front of me & went to grab my crotch as he said, "hey baby!". Now yes, this may be the way some of us say hello but in that moment I pushed his hand away & as cheesey as it may sound I said, "No. my first name ain't baby!" After that & my moment of reflection I got back to doing what I do best. Getting my dance on.

You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that, no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing
The more you try
The less I buy it
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around

Don't get me wrong, when Valentine's Day came upon me & I realized it was the first time since 04 I was spending it single, I did get a little reminiscent. Like I said, I have been doing a LOT of reflecting on things from the past. But just as slow & steady has become my mantra, the art of balance has been a constant on my mind. If you have Discipline then you can rock the art of balance. So who better to teach me about such things then Ms. Janet Jackson herself. I've been a fan since I was a little kid & when my mom bought the Control record I would spend many a night dancing to Nasty. Later on I would wear the vcr out rewinding the If video so I could get the moves down. There are plenty of times that people have to clear the floor for Ej, Larry & I to get our breakdown on if the Dj plays Alright, Rhythm Nation or All Night. Throb is probably one of my most favorite dance songs EVER & there's not a dancer I know that hasn't been inspired by her in one way or another. I managed to see janet perform twice. Once for the Today show & then a few yrs back at a VERY packed Pier Dance. But, after all that I've never gotten a chance to meet her. That changed last night. During lunch, I stepped out to go to Best Buy to buy the new cd. There were already people lined up waiting to see her. She was doing an in store signing hours & hours later. I assumed there would be no chance of me being able to go later because I still had to go back to work. But the girl told me if I had a wrist band then I would be able to see her. So I said, "PUT IT ON ME!" I came back after work & sure enough it had started to rain. I had no umbarella ella ella eh. (Why this is becoming a current theme in my blogs I have no idea. This blog is not endorsed by Rihanna at all.) So I wrapped my scarf over my head & waited for my friend Russell to get there. Well since he runs on CP time a bitch was mad late so I had to use my socializing skills & become besties with the girl in front of me who just happened to have an umbrella. We chatted & discussed our love over Ms. Janet Damita Jo Jackson. As we waited, Russell finally showed up & we kept getting closer & closer. I had heard horror stories, namely from Vadim, about not being able to see Madonna because she left the signing early. This was not going to be the case for us. Finally, we were inside & I could see her. She was dressed in all black, the same outfit she had while on TRL just a few hrs before. She looked incredibly tiny, rocking some high heel stiletto boots, flawless skin, & a perfect weave! Janet looked HOT. Security was heavy & they said that absolutely no cell phones or any cameras. Damn! Who would believe me when I said I saw her! I had tried to think of a fabulous monologue or anecdote to say to her & then I got there & became speechless. She took the cd booklet & began to sign Love janet. Dammit Nick open your mouth! So I said, "Janet, I've loved you for over 20 years!" She looked up & said, "Awww, well thank you so much for coming." I said, "I wouldn't have missed it." She looked at me right in the eyes & i swear she had a little sparkle & then she smiled & said, "Oooo & you're cute!" Oh my moo! Ms. Jackson told me I was cute! With that, I became speechless again. Yes, flattery will get you anywhere with me LOL even when you're Janet Jackson. Then in my brief moment security whisked me off & I was left with my memory & you know what? Sometimes it IS all about the pleasure principle.

Sometimes It's A Bitch

I don't want to take it anymore
I'll just stay here locked behind the door
Just no time to stop and get away
'Cause I work so hard to make it everyday

It's been said that everyone in NYC is looking for 3 things. A wonderful job, a fabulous apartment & an even more wonderful & fabulous loved one. Most jaded New Yorker's are ok with having 2 out of 3. Hell, most people I know are just striving to get at least 2. So when it appears that you have all 3 sympathy doesn't flow aplenty. In a month's time, I've been pounding pavements & refreshing my Craigslist page to find the brand new hotness! To all my gay boys out there, get your mind out of the gutter. I've not been on M4M or missed connections. I've been doing my best to find an apartment that is best for me. In a perfect world, I would live by myself. But right now it's just not something I can afford in an area I want to live in. Being that I'm trying to keep it in certain area's of Manhattan, this means I need a roommate. On my journey so far I've met some interesting characters. The very first apt I saw was ok. It was back in my old hood of Hell's Kitchen. They say go with what you know right? Like I said, it was ok. Until the guy told me about his 'semi-small' roach & insect problem. He said that since he's rarely at home he doesn't like to clean much & was hoping that the new 'roomie' would help him out with that. Now, I'm not running around with a white glove searching for dust but I also don't want to be eating & having some bugs scurrying across my feet. Dirty Straight Guy spoke of this while I was standing in the kitchen & looking around at empty soda cans lying around & left over food out on the counter top. I'm sure my face did something because then he said, "Well it's ok, I'm not here during the day so I don't see em. It's mainly at night that they come out." All of a sudden I had an image of me getting up in the middle of the night to get some water, turning on the light switch & seeing tons of bugs scurrying around as if I had interrupted their orgy while 'The Freaks Come Out At Night' plays. With that in my head I said, "Thank you for your time. I'll let you know." My next venture took me not too far from where I live now. But the minute I walked in I noticed it was incredibly hot. The girl who lived there I will call Mother Earth. She had tons of little candles lit, which I love, & some ambient music playing. Had I accidentally come to yoga class? I looked at the room which literally felt like the size of a shoe box. I envisioned my wall of cds & trying to get a bed & I just pictured myself being incredibly cramped. Also, I couldn't stop sweating. That's when Mother Earth told me that she didn't believe in Air Conditioners. "Are you serious?" I asked. She then told me about how sweating cleanses the soul & releases toxins from the body. I couldn't help myself so I giggled. Mother Earth was not amused & I felt as if I may get spanked or at least told to lay down in the downward dog position. So I asked, "Summer's here are kind of brutal. Don't you get hot?" "I run a small fan," Mother Earth replied. Hmmmm Mmmmmkyyyy. "Well thanks for showing me the place. I gotta run." A few days later I answered an ad that said Only Gay Men Respond to a Duplex in the East Village. Ok, so I've seen a dirty straight guy & I've seen Mother Earth. Let's check out the fellow gays. I showed up after work one night & not realizing it was going to rain, I had no Umbarella ella ella eh. So this nice older man answered the door. "Get in here young man before you catch cold! Where is your raincoat & umbrella?!" (They didn't go with my ensemble DER!)Instead I said, "I forgot them." Once inside he took me to the 2nd floor & we sat down in the 'common area'. A big fluffy cat ran through my legs & started purring loudly. "Whiskers just LOVES the handsome young ones," he said. Well thank you Whiskers, if you could actually say this to me I may just pee my pants. But back to the room. He wanted me to fill out the application forms which asked basic essential stuff like name & where I live now & when I'm looking to move blah blah. He showed me the room & it was really big for NY standards. I pictured myself being able to fit all my belongings perfectly in it. So we sat at a table & we started discussing things as Whiskers purred lovingly against my legs. He told me that there were 3 guys on each floor & that he stays in the basement with his partner & Whiskers & how he's owned the place for 30 years. He asked why I was leaving my current situation & I told him that my bf & I had broken up & I needed to find a new place to live. 'Oh Jesus, this must be terrible for you' with a quick touch to my knee & then to his heart. "Is this going to be a traumatic experience for you?" Puzzled, I said "No, it's not that at all. We just realized that it was something we needed to do." "Oh so you didn't catch him strung out on Meth & in bed with other men? That would have been terrible!" He gasped. "Ummmm yes that uh would have been," I said. I couldn't help but wonder if I had stumbled across a shelter for abused & battered gay house husbands. He then told me that if I was chosen & if I decided to take the room then I would need to get a new key from him every Friday. Confused I asked why. He then said that he liked to do that in case any one of his tenants got strung out & didn't pay their rent....ha...ha...ha. "What kind of people live here?!" I asked. "Oh, they're fine men. Don't get me wrong. They're in their 20's, 30's, all different kinds of jobs. But, you should just make sure that you lock your door to your room when you leave & things of that nature." Still puzzled, I said, "Well what about when I go to the bathroom? Should my door be locked then?" "Just to be safe, I mean... you never know if roommates are going to bring home random tricks that you won't know. That's why I suggest it, & you wouldn't want any one possibly going into your room to take advantage of you. They could be strung out!" Hmmmmmm mmmmkkkyyy. Just to confirm for myself I asked, "So you give out new keys every week & if I go to the bathroom I should lock the door? Hell, should I keep the door locked even if it's just me here?" "Well unless you would like for Whiskers or me to tuck you in at night," he giggled as he winked at me. Here's where I must say this: In the past few months, I've learned to start trusting my gut feelings more then anything & in this moment my gut feeling said, "Get the Fuck out before Creepy Old Gay Man rapes you. So with that I said, "Well, thank you for taking the time to show me the place......I'll definitely get back to you with an answer." As I went down the stairs to the door Whiskers followed me with a quickness. I couldn't help but think maybe this pussy was screaming to be saved. "Whiskers! You always try to leave with the handsome boys!" COGM replied & then made sure she was away from the door. As I opened the door to leave he said, "Here, have an umbrella. I would hate for you to be stuck in bed all alone with a cold." I said thank you but in my head I thought 'COGM you will never be my umbarella ella ella eh'.

Industry don't pay a price that's fair
All the common people breathing filthy air
Roof caved in on all the simple dreams
And to get ahead your heart starts pumping schemes

I have seen other places & not all places have been bad. There were a couple that were absolutely perfect for me & in my budget & location. Alas, someone else was picked out over me. Can you believe it? I KNOW! I can't either! So I just say to myself that hey, if it's meant to be then it will be for me. With everything, the tumor.... the break up, I've remained positive. Sometimes bad things happen, deal with it & move on. It's not like Jordan & I are at each other's throat's or anything so going home is not miserable by any means. If anything I've realized that NY living wise I've kind of lead a charmed life. I was in Hell's Kitchen for 5 1/2 yrs in a rent stabilized apt paying $400 for a massive room. That is unheard of. Then for the past 2 years I've called Union Square home. The thing is I've seen good apartments, I know they are out there. This past weekend I saw one I really liked & once again I find myself waiting to see if they pick me out of the people they've seen. Once again, I'll just have to wait & see.

I know there's a pot of gold for me
All I got to do is just believe
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
And I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance

Yesterday getting on the train to head back home I guess my head was in another place. I was going through my print outs of places I've seen. I re-read all my pluses & minuses on each apartment. Then I noticed right across the track there was an express train. I got up, bag in hand & started to get off. I heard a man yell. But it didn't seem like he was yelling at me. So I crossed the track & got on the express. Once I was at Union Square I got off & made my exit. I then thought about how Vadim had called me right before I got on the train & I figured I would call him back. I reached in my pocket only to realize that my phone was gone. Then it hit me, it must have fell out of my pocket when I was getting off the local train to get on the express train. Then I thought about the man yelling. Dammit! He was yelling for me. I turned around but knew there was no way of getting back to the train, it had already left in that amount of time. So I went to Verizon to see about getting a new one. The guy was really no help, just basically telling me that I should get a new one & then the old one would be disconnected. The catch would be to just sign another 2 year contract. Ah!!!!! More decisions! I couldn't deal at that moment & said that I'll come back. After I got home I thought 'Hey, maybe someone will answer my phone & then give it back to me'. Thats when Vadim apparently tried to call me back & a guy did answer so he called Jordan to let me know. I called from Jordan's phone & a guy with an Indian accent answered. Excited I said, "You have my phone!" "Yes, you left it on the subway & I yelled for you but you kept going." "Well, where are you now?" "I'm in Brooklyn," he said with a matter of fact tone. "So when are you coming back into the city because I need my phone?" I asked & at this point sounding irritated & frantic. "I don't know," he said & then hung up on me. I called back but he wouldn't answer. This made me L I V I D. So after dealing with Verizon once again, I had all calls blocked & reported that my phone was stolen. I also figured I would give him a day to do the right thing but as I sit here & try again, I'm understanding that he's an utter asshole & he's decided to keep my phone. So when I leave work in a little bit, I will be canceling my service & I think I will go to AT&T. Verizon was basically no help to me & at least with AT&T I could get rollover minutes. And hey, this is just continuing my way of starting anew. I want a new phone, a new number & dammit.... a new place to live. As for the guy who's taken my phone....I hope you die. I realize this is really harsh but, in the past 24 hrs I've had a mini breakdown. During this my head started hurting & right in the place that they cut into & in that moment I got really mad. I had never wanted a drink in my life so bad. I just couldn't shake the feeling of why me? But you know what, even good guys get the blues sometimes so I think it's ok if I say a few mean things. I'm sure I'll feel bad about it at another time. And in my head I hear Shuley's voice saying, "You're the only person I know that can fall in a pile of shit & somehow come out smelling like a rose." So that's how I'll end it. Thank you Shuley for that thought. It's put a smile upon my face & that I will be good is all I can hope for right now.

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer KING
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

Sober But Still Amazing

It was sometime last year, Vadim & I were discussing getting drizz. We were like, "OMG, can you imagine going out sober? That must be NO fun. What would you do if you couldn't drink?" We both were like, "EH! I'd probably stop going out since going out sober would be no fun!" I'd had this kind of conversation before. With Rob, Tom, now that I think of it.....most of my friends. We all wondered how did Ej do it? My friend Ej has never had a drop of alcohol. Ever. I'm not kidding. Nada. He's going to be 30 this Wednesday (HAPPY BDAY MATE!) & still no alcohol, ever. It's crazy right? I think about all the drunken times I've had when he was around & I wonder, "Ej, how did you deal?" Flash forward to now......someone has a cruel sense of humor.


Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over


Last week, I had my follow up MRI. The one to see how everything was going with my head. The doctor had said that I was getting better so quickly. He even said that if everything looked right on my results, they would start to taper me off of my medication or take me off of it completely. So yesterday when I was waiting for him to call, I was all kinds of nervous. Having the MRI done slightly freaks me out because it's like being in a coffin. Or at least that's how I feel. So when my cell phone rang & I saw it was his number I answered with a quickness. With slight hesitation he said, "So, I got the results from your MRI. The news is not bad. There's a couple of places where the cysts used to be so it's very possible that it's just what's left over from surgery." I wasn't really sure what to think so I asked, "Is this something I need to be worried about?" He said, "No. But just to be safe, we'll need to do another MRI in a few months." "So, does this mean I'm going to have to stay on my medication?" I asked. "Just to be safe, yes you should." This wasn't the news I was hoping for. I was hoping that everything would be 100% better. It's by no means terrible, let me say that. I had fears that he would tell me that there was still a tumor or cysts had grown back & that they would have to go in again. So it was good to hear that that had not happenned. I guess I was just hoping that I was fully better. I have made sure to do everything they told me. I've always taken the medication on time. I've made sure to not fuck up at all. It's not the easiest to go to work funtions or parties where people know you're drink of choice & know you can down em with the best of em. "No thanks, I really can't. You have it for me." It's not easy when your best friend in NC send you camera phone pics of drinks that you can't have. Yes Shuley, I'm calling you out. I've also found that it isn't easy being around your friends when they get beligerantly drunk. I will say no names because you know who you are mmmhmm. But it's ok, if I was to hate you I'd have to hate myself as well. I realize that I've played the party boy persona for so long that that IS what I'm known for. Hell, the day after New Years Eve I called my mom to say hi & she asked what I had done. I told her that a few people came over & that was about it. She goes, "You didn't drink anything did you?!" To have my own mother not trust my ability to just say no was kind of sad. If anything, I've somehow become the perfect model for how to go out & still have fun. And I'm not the only one in this crusade. My best friend Larry decided that until I can drink again, he will not drink either. Vadim even decided that he won't drink either. He's decided that he will choose when he is going to drink. Mind you, he did fall off the wagon once.....but hey! No one is perfect. Look at Lindsay Lohan. Each day is a struggle haha. It must be said that I didn't ask anyone to do this, but it also must be said that I am happy to know that I'm not on this journey alone. To also hear everyone tell me how great I look has definitely been a high point. The other night, Jason said, "Hey! maybe you've found something good with this whole not being able to drink thing because you look hot."


Everyone says you're amazing now that you're clean
Only you know who the real ones are cause you've seen
There's only one question I want to ask is it healing
When you hear everyone say you're amazing
Does anybody ask you?


I've even found myself answering that question of being able to go out sober. I've realized I can. I can even dance until 5 am (as long as the music's good). This isn't happenning as much as it used to though. I've found that New York City Nightlife is definitely not the same. Before, there were so many choices of where to go out. There was dancing galore! It's not the case now. My friend Scott, who is still considered a newbie, keeps hearing about it from all of us. He came out a little late in life & it's sad because I feel like he missed out on all the fun & good times. 'Back in the day' every weekend was like being out for the first time. In the words of Deborah Cox, "Thing's just ain't the same." I guess every generation feels that way. Each decade you hear about this & that. The 70's gave us Disco & Studio 54. The 80's was all about coke & yuppies & the 'me' generation. The 90's found a resurgence in clubland & then it was dead again. Now, it's the same with this one. I guess all good things really do come to an end. Which is where I found myself a week ago. After a relationship that was a few months shy of 3 years, Jordan & I decided that we should break up.


And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me


I'll not discuss this in major detail because it's mine & his to deal with. Break ups are never easy. Especially when you put time & effort & love into it. Something that I know we both did. What I will say is that I think we tried our best to make it work. But sometimes, things just don't work out the way you want them to. I don't look at this as a failure at all. After having my tumor in October I realized that there were a lot of things that I need to take care of. I stated before that it taught me about not taking anything for granted. Time is not always on our side. So, if I found myself unhappy with current situations.... then I have to look within myself in order to fix it.


And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time


In the past few months or so I've been seeing those hints of a Nick from days long ago. Someone who I hadn't visited in quite some time. He was still there, but just underneath the surface. Needless to say, I've missed him & I'm glad he's back. The guy who could get it on the dancefloor until all hours of the night while managing to be completely sober. The guy who actually had focus on a career & what he wanted to do in his life. The guy who said, "I managed to get this far. Let's see what I can do now." The guy who did what he wanted to do without answering to anyone. I don't regret anything that's happenned in my life. Everythinng that's happenned to me, I've learned something from. I can only look forward & just remain positive. I feel like I've got a plan now so to quote Larry, "Work that." His birthday is Wednesday as well so lemme end it in saying, "Happy Bday boo! This year is the time to shine."


Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up