Nick's Never-ending Story

For most people this a regular old Friday. Co-workers are walking around saying TGIF. It's slightly gloomy outside & it's much colder then it was yesterday. This week work has felt long & I've been doing my best to get things out of boxes. That's right folks. My move did go scheduled as planned. All the gays came out for my public affair. Vadim was actually on time. Scott showed up even after having some Saturday night shenanigans. Chase rolled out of bed in Queens & stopped by. Big Tom had helped me pack the night before & his packing abilities are extraordinary. Larry was there to offer all the help & more that I could ask of a best friend. I can't say thank you enough to Jeremy & Andy for the use of their cars. Andy's poor car took a beating from putting one of my cd shelves on top of it. Andy, seriously my babies & I can not thank you enough. I owe all these men some major gratitude but as always its nice to know I can count on real friends. Some other people even offered but I had so many people there was no need to get more help. You could even try to think of a joke, 'How many gays does it take to organize Nick's room?' On 2nd thought, don't come up with that joke bitches or I will hunt you down. This was probably the easiest & quickest move I've ever made. Even Jordan did things to help me. I think we continue to surprise people of how well we're doing. Hell, I guess we are this yrs Nico & Larry. For those that don't know, you can say we're the gay Demi & Bruce (only no kids & no Ashton lol). Although we have been broken up for months & we've done separate things on our own, somehow now it felt really real. I think we had gotten so used to each other being there that it had not fully sunk it what it may feel like when the day finally arrived. Moving day held a lot of moments for me. Happiness for finally finding the place I was happy with & also being able to be fully on my own. But giving the keys back to Jordan felt incredibly sad as I took my last box out of the apt. Looking at him & both of us knowing what the other was thinking. It felt sad knowing that we both had tried to make something work but it failed. I guess it goes back to that phrase of 'if you love something let it go.' Over time I've admitted there are a lot of phrases that I have not liked but in the past few months I can now fully understand.


I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you


In so many ways it felt weird being back in the old hood. Things had changed but in some ways so many things had stayed the same. I thought of the young Nick who was just getting to know NY. There are differences between this new Nick & the old one, but in some ways not really. It's funny what we have to go through just in order to get back to the basics. I'm definitely wiser but as I think about that old Nick, he may have been naive but he definitely was no dummy. This remixed & revisited version feels nice though. Going to the gym I used to go to everyday felt like I had stepped back in time. I saw a couple of friends that I hadn't seen in a while & I said, "Wow! How are you? Where have you been?" Then one said, "We've been here all along, the question is where have you been?" I couldn't help but laugh. That was the question that I had been trying to answer for what seems too too long.


I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho


All week I have been unpacking boxes & trying to figure out where things should go. I had some long hrs at work so that cut into it. Cable was up & running on Tuesday thank goodness. Having my electronic best friend silent hurt my heart. Sleeping somewhere new also takes some getting used to but once again tylenol pm totally helps that. But Wednesday night was a lil harder. I kept waking up every hour on the hour & my dreams were plagued with MRI's & results & ifs & so many other things. Finally it was officially Thursday morning & I turn on the tv to hear the weatherman tell me that we were going to have the best day of the week. 71 degrees! No coat! Hmmmm, I could possibly wear some shorts. As I stepped outside & saw how beautiful it was I couldn't help but think 'God is about to put a smile upon my face.' I made my way to the hospital & met up with Larry. Being that he was there with me when I got the initial news of the tumor last October I was happy that he was going to be here for whatever news I was going to face. The nurse was exceptionally nice & decided to tell me stories of her life while she was poking at my arm. Next was the prep for the MRI. If you have never had an MRI, let me explain this procedure. They give you things to put in your ears & then cover your ears with cloths because of all the noise the machines make. Then you're placed in the machine & depending on what areas need to be examined they start to put your body in it. Being that this was my head, ALL of me went into this machine. Which has always freaked me out because I feel like I'm in a coffin. Knowing that I get slightly scared they gave me this bulb thing to squeeze in case I do indeed get freaked out. Depending on what they're doing, you can be in it for about 30 minutes or more. I had decided that I would start counting how many top 40 hits Mariah & Madonna had to pass the time. Ok, laugh but this can seriously pass the time. I was full on ready to do the same with Janet & others but a weird thing happened. As I lay in it a calmness came over me. For the first time in that machine I fell asleep just after I had got through Mariah's list. In that process I had also let go of the bulb. The next thing I knew, it was over & now all I had to do was wait for the results in a few hrs. Larry & I went for lunch & we chatted about everything from Billboard statistics to how I would feel regarding any news that the dr gave me. Finally, it was time to go back to see the dr. He escorted me back to his office & said ok let me show you the results.

On his computer he had the MRI scan from January & the scan from earlier that morning. I can now see why he didn't initially show me the one from January & why I had to stay on the medication. It did show the places from the tumor & the cysts. It looked kind of scary to me. Then I looked at the new one. There were no longer places from the cysts showing & the place that was the original tumor was a teeny, tiny spot. "Ummmm I'm no MD but this looks good to me," I said. "That's right, you're all healed." I sat there stunned for a moment & then I felt them coming out & I couldn't contain them. Tears. Dammit, now once again I fully understand a new phrase 'Tears of Joy.' It was like I was on an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition & Ty was giving me a new house! Then the dr said, "This is good news Nick!" And I yelled, "I Know!!!!!"


Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelings can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it


For months now I have prepped myself repeatedly for news. How would I feel about this? How would I feel about that? I felt like I had went up against some bad odds & came out swinging. I thought about how when they first told me for a moment I was shattered. Now someone was telling me 'Nick Padron, you can have your life back. Stop being afraid.' It's been 6 months & in so many ways it feels so much longer. I remember thinking that April was way too far away. To also have him tell me I can stop taking my medication was literally the cherry on top. I thought about everything I had gone through in this amount of time & for a hot second I felt like it wasn't real. It was almost like all the moments flashed in front of me. Surgery, the hospital, the headaches, the meds that took too much of a toll on me, weight gain, tiredness, & the fear that this could all possibly happen again. Even trying to describe this in this blog, it's like I can't find the appropriate words to describe how I feel. I also think about how I felt from the get go. The defiance I felt about what this was going to do me, the anger I felt that something else was having control. It's funny what one MRI can do. I should write that as a song but somehow I don't see that title at the top of the pop charts. I'm reminded of that movie The Never-Ending Story & how Atreyu overcame the Nothing. Turns out that the Nothing was a bunch of unhappiness trying to take over Fantasia. For way too long I masked unhappiness in drinking & going out & forgetting the night. I don't ever want to forget something again. I don't want to be told of antics or shenanigans that I have done. I don't ever want anything to control me again. In the past few months I have learned I'm just as fabu sober as I am drunk. But, it's no lie that I've been annoyed that I've not been able to have a drink with people because I can't. If I'm not going to drink I want that to be because I don't WANT to drink.

Ok, before you think I have gone nanners & I'm on a rant I just want to say I'm completely happy & April 10th 2008 will be in my memory forever. In ways it marks a rebirth. The tumor may have been a really bad thing, but I also think about how it gave me the kick in the ass that I needed. While I sat in that bed waiting to get better I thought of all the things that I wanted to finish doing. This is just the end to a chapter & I have plenty more stories to tell.