Erase and Rewind

Hey, what did you hear me say
you know the difference it makes
what did you hear me say
Yes, I said it’s fine before
I don’t think so no more
I said it’s fine before
I’ve changed my mind
I take it back
Erase and rewind
’cause I’ve been changing my mind
I’ve changed my mind

Hello everyone. I meant to blog weeks ago. I had all these things that I wanted to devote a couple blogs to and then something else came up & put me for a loop. I still plan on doing these blogs but for now I’ll discuss the events at the end of August. Picture it. Bamboo 52. I’m hanging with my friend Jaime on his bday & I decide to make it an early night. I had went out the night and had a good time & I actually didn’t feel like making it a long night. I also decided to have just one drink, no need to get crazy. So by midnight on a Friday night I was in bed waiting to get my sleep on. A first in quite some time and when I woke up at 2:30 (just a few hrs later) I thought it was much later. Looking at the clock I realized hardly any time had gone by but somehow I felt like my body had literally fought a war. My shoulders were in a bit of pain & when I went to the bathroom & looked at my tongue I freaked out. I had clamped down on the left side of it & it was all red. Looking at my shoulders I was confused because they felt like they were dislocated but they didn’t appear that way at all. Not being able to barely move either one of them I decided I should get myself to the ER. It was in this moment I thought that I had had a seizure in my sleep & in this moment I feared the absolute worst. Had the tumor grown back?

I tried to remain composed as I told the nurses & the doctors what had happened & I told them all about my history. They asked when the last time I had a seizure was & I told them almost 2 years ago when they discovered the tumor & took it out. So they decided to do a CAT scan of my head & x-rays of my shoulders. I couldn’t help but kind of freak out even though I was trying to remain as calm as possible on the outside. The nurse told me that I seemed so calm. I told her that it may appear that way but on the inside I was going nanners. My words exactly. It was like I was instantly transported back to ‘07. When I went through it the first time everything was new & I had no idea what to expect. This time it was like all of those fears & feelings hit me at once. The thought of going through all of that again was too much to take. I thought about how other people who have gone through something similar must feel. People who have beat cancer or something else & then the thought of it coming back. The place your head goes when these thoughts happen is a scary place. Then, the dr came back with my results. She said that nothing showed up on the CAT scan & the x-rays didn’t show any dislocation of either shoulder. She even suggested that maybe I had not had a seizure at all. In that quick second I thought maybe I had in fact gone nanners.

So I left & went home. Still in pain. Still wondering what the hell had happened. By the next day the place on my tongue turned black & it hurt to eat. My shoulders were still in major pain & I could not move them above my head. I had to call out of work the next day & I went to my dr. He gave me anti-inflammatory meds (which have NOT worked) & we did blood work. It was gonna be a few more days before I could do the MRI so I was just left to wonder what would happen. This lead to me reading too much stuff on the web. I tried to take it with a grain of salt. I started reading about things that cause seizures. It of course said tumor and I of course wanted to think of something else. It then mentioned alcohol withdraw. I couldn’t help but laugh. I was like, “WTF?! Was my body mad at me because I decided to stay in on a Friday night & not drink? Was my head confused? Did that internal clock say it is 2 am Friday night & there should be some alcohol in my system?” I hope that gave you all a giggle because my dr looked at me & semi-laughed when I brought it up to him. In a dry kind of way he said, “Mr. Padron that is not meant for you. That’s meant for people who drink a bottle a day for 20 years & then all of a sudden stop.” I looked at him & said, “Oh.”

Next was my MRI & as always I felt a little claustrophobic being in it. I swear that thing feels like a coffin. So for 30 minutes I tried to think happy thoughts & just look forward to it being over. Earlier that day my regular dr had told me that the results of my blood work came back fine but I had definitely had a seizure. He said that the normal blood count in someone’s muscles was 100. Mine had come back at 1100! That explained why I felt like I had fought a war & at least I knew I wasn’t crazy & I knew I had had a seizure. This whole thing had put a major damper in my Labor Day Weekend plans. I had originally planned on going out to Fire Island & hanging with my boys & probably drink a little too much & flirt WAY too much. Now it wasn’t gonna happen. My poor arms looked like I had been hanging with Amy Winehouse while on a bender & the bruise on my arm looked like I had been on too many dates with Chris Beat Her Down Brown. Basically I looked like a HOT MESS.

So where did you see me go
it’s not the right way, you know
where did you see me go
No, it’s not that I don’t know
I just don’t want it to grow
It’s not that I don’t know
I’ve changed my mind
I take it back

I decided to hang with my Sober Sister Ej on Fri & Sunday night. We danced a lil at the Ritz. Mind you, my dancing was highly tamed down. As in I could only do my interpretation of some hips don’t lie because I sure as hell couldn’t raise them arms. On Saturday night I went to go see 9 to 5 for the second time. Big thanks to Chase for that. I ended up having a wonderful time. I was going to be the date to one of Allison Janney’s friends. When I got there I immediately was surprised because I had seen her in a lot of films but didn’t know her name. I told her I saw her in tons of things & she said all sly, “Oh stop! I haven’t been in tons of things!” I said, “You lie, I saw you in a movie just the other day!” She smiled & we became instant besties. When the show was over I went with her to hang with the cast & I was so excited. I’m a big fan of the show & I’ve always loved Allison in everything I’ve seen her in. It’s funny because now all week I keep seeing Octavia (new bestie) in tons of movies that have been showing this week. Legally Blonde 1 & 2, Beauty Shop, Miss Congeniality 2 & Spider Man just to name a few. Mind you, I’ve had a lot of alone time on my hands. A lot of time to chill basically. A lot of time to re-evaluate things. Sunday was calm as well & by the night Ej & I just bar hopped & ended up at Xes doing karaoke. Once again, I couldn’t give my all to it but vocally I was ripping up some Poker Face. If I could have done the acoustic version it would have been utter hotness. By the next day I thought hmmmm maybe this whole not drinking thing really does wonders for my voice lol. On Monday I had a nice time at a BBQ at my friend Eric’s new place & I had a few drinks but nothing major. For those of you worried, I asked my dr if he thought I should lay off the sauce & he said I should be ok but not to get too crazy. Another good reason I did not go out to Fire Island because I know what it is out there.

Finally, a few days ago my dr called me & told me the results of the MRI. He said everything looked good. It was in fact better than it had been since the last time I had an MRI done. He said the seizure was most likely from scar tissue. My next thing I have to do is to see a neurologist & find out if I have to go back on medication for seizures. I hated the stuff before but as I look at my poor arm & as it is still in pain, all I know is that I don’t want to have to deal with this again. I don’t want to get into a fight with myself & lose. So just send happy thoughts my way. It’s like I’m fricking Shelby from Steel Magnolia’s. There’s all these things I want to do but my poor body won’t let me. Meanwhile, I’m too headstrong & stubborn & the not being able to go to the gym & take dance classes has highly frustrated me.

But instead of being an uber bitch like I have been all week I will remain positive & take each day at a time. Try new things. I’ve been walking in Central Park for some kind of walking exercise & the time alone is kind of amazing. I also went to the library today & checked out some instructional cds on learning Spanish. It’s all apart of my new plans to do some new things. I’ll keep you up to date on the progress. I’ll also try to get those other blogs out asapenis.