Madonna Dreams of Nicky Boom Box

So a couple weeks back I had a dream that I was chatting with Madonna about her upcoming show. It was funny because it wasn't like I had just met her or something, we were friends & I decided to give my creative input on her show. I told her I've seen plenty of her shows & I was gonna see the MDNA but I wanted to let her know I wished the setlist could change up a bit. She was like, "Oh really? If you were creative director for the show what would you do?" So I told her that she should do some songs she's never performed before, songs that were hits but she'd never performed live. I said mix that with classics & with new. I started listing off songs that I'd love to see her do & what she should do with them. She sat there listening intently & eagerly & when she let me finish she said, "You done?" I said yes. She said, "That sounds great & all but just remember I'm still Madonna, I'll do what I want." Even in my dreams she's still the same Madonna. So when I woke up I decided I was gonna do a 2 hr mix of songs that I wish she'd do. I decided to title it Madonna Dreams of Nicky Boom Box. In the comments of this blog you'll find the media fire link that you can download the mp3. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did doing it. And if not, well whatever..... I'm still Nicky Boom Box. For those of you that love to know what is in the setlist here are the tracks. For those of you that like to be surprised & just listen don't look any further. 1. Bedtime Story 2. Future Lovers (Amokk's Vocal Club mix) 3. Deeper And Deeper (David's Klub mix) 4. I'm Addicted 5. Frozen (Victor Calderon Direct Hit Re-Edit 6. Rescue Me (single mix0 &. Thief Of Hearts 8. Gang Bang 9. Think Of Me (Dubtronic Reconstruction remix) 10. Fever (video version) 11. Burning Up 12. Justify My Love (fuck me mix) 13. The Power Of Good-bye 14. I'll Remember 15. Celebration (Saint Ken Vocal Mix) (includes bits of Holiday & Into The Groove) 16. Toop Toop Groove (Loo & Placido Mix) 17. Causing A Commotion 18. Dress You Up 19. Express Yourself (remix) 20. Pump Up Another Day (Madonna vs. Technotronic) 21. Vogue 22. Music 23. Take A Bow 24. Like A Prayer (Adi Perez 09 mix) 25. Hung Up vs Gimme Gimme Gimme (Offer Nissim Promo mix) (Madonna vs Abba)

Top 130 Songs of 2011

So it's that time again for my annual list. In November of 2010 I heard my number one & had no idea it would have the impact here in the US that it would get months later. Then in February I heard her other song. It's no shock that this was Adele's year. I included the other songs that have charted but look for them to storm the airwaves this year. Just saying. There are some holdovers from 2010 because they just got better over time. Rihanna, Gaga, David Guetta & Nicki Minaj are all over this chart. As well as Katy Perry & Britney. I included every song that was technically a single somewhere in the world representing many genres. Hope you find it pretty informative, thanks wikipedia!

1. Rolling In The Deep/Adele #1 (7 weeks) US, Canada #2 UK #3 Australia

2. Someone Like You/Adele #1 (5 weeks) US, UK, Australia #2 Canada

3. We Found Love/Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris #1 (8 weeks) US, (6 weeks) UK, Canada #2 Australia

4. Born This Way/Lady Gaga #1 (6 weeks) US, Australia, Canada #3 UK

5. Firework/Katy Perry #1 (4 weeks) US, Canada #3 Australia, UK

6. On The Floor/Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull #1 (2 weeks) UK, Australia, Canada, US Dance #3 US Pop

7. Moves Like Jagger/Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera #1 (4 weeks) US, Canada #2 Australia, UK

8. Party Rock Anthem/LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett & Goon Rock #1 (6 weeks) US (4 weeks) UK, Australia, Canada

9. Fuck You/Cee-Lo Green #1 (2 weeks) UK, #2 US #5 Australia #7 Canada

10. Hold It Against Me/Britney Spears #1 US, Canada #4 Australia #6 UK

11. E.T./Katy Perry feat. Kanye West #1 (5 weeks) US, Canada #3 UK #5 Australia

12. S&M (b/w remix feat. Britney Spears)/Rihanna #1 US, Australia, Canada #3 UK

13. Super Bass/Nicki Minaj #3 US #6 Australia, Canada #8 UK

14. Till The World Ends (b/w remix feat. Nicki Minaj & Kesha)/Britney Spears #3 US #4 Canada #8 Australia #21 UK

15. Blow/Kesha #7 US #10 Australia #12 Canada #32 UK

16. Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)/Katy Perry #1 (2 weeks) US, Canada #5 Australia #9 UK

17. Aphrodite/Kylie Minogue #6 Belgium

18. Hello/Martin Solveig feat. Dragonette #1 US Dance #8 Canada #13 Australia, UK #46 US Pop

19. F**kin' Perfect/Pink #2 Canada, US #10 Australia, UK

20. Pumped Up Kicks/Foster The People #1 US Alternative #3 US Pop, Canada #7 Australia #18 UK

21. Mr. Saxobeat/Alexandra Stan #1 US Dance #3 UK #21 US Pop #19 Australia #25 Canada

22. Love On Top/Beyonce #20 Australia, US #22 UK #65 Canada

23. The Edge Of Glory #1 US Dance #2 Australia #3 US Pop, Canada #6 UK

24. Take Over Control/Afrojack feat. Eva Simons #17 Australia #24 UK #39 Canada #41 US

25. Grenade/Bruno Mars #1 (3 weeks) US (2 weeks) UK, Australia, Canada

26. Give Me Everything/Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer #1 (3 weeks) UK, (1 week) US, Canada #2 Australia

27. I Wanna Go/Britney Spears #1 US Dance #5 Canada #7 US Pop #31 Australia

28. Wet/Nicole Scherzinger #10 Ireland #21 UK #34 Australia

29. Just Can't Get Enough/Black Eyed Peas #1 Brazil #3 UK, US, Australia #5 Canada

30. Without You/David Guetta feat. Usher #3 Canada #4 US #6 Australia, UK

31. Rumour Has It/Adele #1 US Triple A #60 US Pop

32. Pretty Girl Rock/Keri Hilson #4 US R&B #24 US Pop

33. Tonight (I'm Lovin' You)/Enrique Iglesias feat. Ludacris & DJ Frank E #2 Australia #3 Canada, UK #4 US

34. In The Dark/Dev #1 Slovakia, US Dance #7 Brazil #11 US Pop #13 Canada #37 UK

35. Set Fire To The Rain/Adele #6 Canada #7 US #11 Australia, UK

36. You And I/Lady Gaga #6 US #10 Canada #14 Australia #23 UK

37. Turning Tables/Adele #60 Canada #62 UK #63 US #73 Australia

38. Run The World (Girls)/Beyonce #1 US Dance #10 Australia #11 UK #16 Canada #29 US Pop

39. Who's That Chick/David Guetta feat. Rihanna #1 US Dance #6 UK #7 Australia #26 Canada #51 US Pop

40. Marry The Night/Lady Gaga #11 Canada #16 UK #29 US

41. Sexy And I Know It/LMFAO #1 Australia, Canada, US #5 UK

42. Titanium/David Guetta feat. Sia #5 Australia #17 Canada #16 UK #66 US

43. All About Tonight/Pixie Lott #1 UK, Scotland #9 Ireland

44. Judas/Lady Gaga #1 US Dance #6 Australia #8 Canada, UK #10 US Pop

45. The One That Got Away/Katy Perry #3 US #2 Canada #18 UK

46. Call Your Girlfriend/Robyn #1 US Dance #8 Belgium #43 Sweden #55 UK

47. Criminal/Britney Spears #3 Brazil #16 Canada #55 US

48. Motivation/Kelly Rowland feat. Lil' Wayne #1 (7 weeks) US R&B #17 US Pop

49. Don't Hold Your Breath/Nicole Scherzinger #1 UK #2 US Dance #17 Australia #86 US Pop

50. Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love)/Kylie Minogue #1 US Dance #50 Australia #93 UK

51. Higher/Taio Cruz feat. Kylie Minogue/Travie McCoy #1 US Dance #8 UK #13 Canada #25 Australia #24 US Pop

52. Where Them Girls At/David Guetta feat. Flo Rida & Nicki Minaj #3 UK, Canada #6 Australia #14 US

53. Cheers (Drink To That)/Rihanna #6 Australia/Canada #7 US #15 UK

54. Moment 4 Life/Nicki Minaj feat. Drake #1 US R&B #13 US Pop #22 UK #27 Canada

55. Vanguardian/Steed Lord

56. Price Tag/Jessie J feat. B.o.B. #1 UK #2 Australia #4 Canada #23 US

57. Money Grabber/Fitz & The Tantrums #33 US Rock

58. Dirty Dancer/Enrique Iglesias feat. Usher, Lil' Wayne & Nayer #1 US Dance #9 Australia, Canada #18 US Pop #21 UK

59. Papi/Jennifer Lopez #1 US Dance #3 Italy #9 Finland #50 Canada #96 US Pop

60. Better Than Today/Kylie Minogue #1 US Dance #32 UK #55 Australia

61. Barbra Streisand/Duck Sauce #1 US Dance #3 UK #9 Australia #35 Canada #89 US Pop

62. Sweat (David Guetta remix)/Snoop Dogg #1 Australia #4 UK, US Pop #25 Canada

63. Miami 2 Ibiza/Swedish House Mafia vs. Tinie Tempah #1 US Dance #3 UK #31 Australia

64. Rocketeer/Far East Movement feat. Ryan Tedder #7 US #14 UK, Australia #22 Canada

65. Changed The Way You Kissed Me/Example #1 UK #16 Australia

66. You Make Me Feel/Cobra Starship feat. Sabi #3 Australia #4 Canada #7 US #16 UK

67. Collide/Leona Lewis & Avicii #1 US Dance #3 Ireland #4 UK

68. Mr. Know It All/Kelly Clarkson #1 Australia #4 UK #10 US #11 Canada

69. The Lazy Song/Bruno Mars #1 UK #4 US #5 Canada #6 Australia

70. I Like How It Feels/Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull #1 US Dance #11 Canada #26 Australia #74 US Pop

71. Party/Beyonce feat. Andre 3000 #2 US R&B #50 US Pop

72. Hair/Lady Gaga #11 Canada #12 US #13 UK #20 Australia

73. Down For Whatever/Kelly Rowland feat. the WAVs #6 UK

74. Countdown/Beyonce #1 US Dance #21 US R&B #35 UK #71 US Pop

75. Brand New Bitch/Anjulie #3 US Dance #16 Canada

76. Shake It Out/Florence & The Machine #2 Ireland #12 UK #13 US Dance #79 US Pop

77. Swagger Jagger/Cher Lloyd #1 UK, Scotland #2 Ireland

78. Loca People/Sak Noel #1 UK #5 Sweden

79. Stereo Hearts/Gym Class Heroes feat. Adam Levine #3 UK #4 Australia, US #7 Canada

80. Best Thing I Never Had/Beyonce #1 US Dance #3 UK #16 US Pop #17 Australia

81. I'm Into You/Jennifer Lopez feat. Lil' Wayne #1 US Dance #9 UK #41 US Pop

82. Love You Like A Love Song/Selena Gomez & The Scene #1 US Dance, Russia #10 Canada #26 US Pop

83. Notorious/The Saturdays #8 UK

84. What A Feeling/Alex Gaudino feat. Kelly Rowland #6 UK #26 US Dance

85. Free/Natalia Kills feat. Will.I.Am #4 Austria #9 Slovakia

86. I Wrote The Book/Beth Ditto #6 Belgium #19 US Dance

87. All Fired Up/The Saturdays #3 UK, Scotland #6 Ireland

88. More/Usher #1 Canada #7 Australia #15 US #23 UK

89. Good Life/One Republic #5 Canada #8 US

90. Rumour Has It/Someone Like You/Glee Cast #11 US

91. Man Down/Rihanna #1 France, Switzerland #9 US R&B #54 UK #59 US Pop

92. It Will Rain/Bruno Mars #3 US #5 Canada #14 Australia, UK

93. I'm Still Hot/Luciana #1 US Dance

94. Who's Laughing Now/Jessie J #16 UK

95. Mean/Taylor Swift #2 US Country #10 Canada #11 US Pop

96. Starlight/Sophie Ellis-Bextor #26 UK Indie Chart

97. California King Bed/Rihanna #1 US Dance #4 Australia #8 UK #20 Canada #37 US Pop

98. 6 Foot 7 Foot/ Lil' Wayne feat. Cory Gunz #2 US Rap & R&B #9 US Pop

99. 2Gether/Far East Movement & Roger Sanchez feat. Kanobby #6 Belgium

100. Shake/Little Boots #37 UK Dance

101. Boadicea/Mason feat. Roisin Murphy

102. Sweetest High/Nadine Coyle

103. Take Care/Drake feat. Rihanna #9 US, UK

104. Jealousy/Will Young #5 UK

105. Howlin' For You/The Black Keys #3 US Alternative

106. Beat Of My Drum/Nicola Roberts #27 UK

107. Animale/Don Diablo feat. Dragonette

108. Marry You/Bruno Mars #8 Australia #10 Canada #11 UK #85 US

109. Good Feeling/Flo Rida #2 UK #3 Canada #4 Australia, US

110. Dance With Me Tonight/Olly Murs #1 UK, Scotland #3 Ireland

111. If I Die Young/The Band Perry #1 US Country #14 US Pop

112. Show Me/Jessica Sutta #1 US Dance

113. You Need Me, I Don't Need You/Ed Sheeran #4 UK

114. The A Team/Ed Sheeran #2 Australia #3 US

115. Levels/Avicii #1 US Dance #4 UK #26 Australia #66 US Pop

116. If This Was A Movie/Taylor Swift #10 US Pop

117. Glad You Came/The Wanted #1 UK, Belgium, Ireland

118. Til Death/Wynter Gordon #3 US Dance

119. Just A Kiss/Lady Antebellum #1 US Country #7 US Pop

120. Tonight Tonight/Hot Chelle Rae #7 Australia, US #10 Canada

121. Heart Skips A Beat/Olly Murs feat. Rizzle Kicks #1 UK

122. Somebody That I Used To Know/Gotye feat. Kimbra #1 Australia, Belgium

123. Something For The Weekend/Ben Westbeech

124. Tighten Up/The Black Keys #1 US Alternative #87 US Pop

125. We Are Young/Fun feat. Janelle Monae #22 US Alternative #53 US Pop

126. Tonight Is The Night/Outasight #54 US

127. Ni**as In Paris/Jay-Z & Kanye West #1 US Rap #5 US Pop

128. Body And Soul/Tony Bennett & Amy Winehouse #40 UK #87 US

129. Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall/Coldplay #6 UK #9 Canada #14 Australia, US

130. Dance (A$$)/Big Sean feat. Nicki Minaj #2 US Rap #4 US R&B #10 US Pop

The Sound of Missing You

I miss hearing your voice,
All the words that you said to me
But now this empty space fills me up and takes over me
And I can’t escape it

It's been 2 years since you left us. People say you never stop thinking about your loved ones when they're gone & I know it's true. I'm not lying when I say I've thought of you at some moment every single day since then. A song will come on, a reference to an old club, a reference to old boyfriends, so many things. I have a pic of us on my wall near my bedroom door. You'd appreciate the amount of boys that have asked who that cute guy is in the pic. That's a lot of time to think about someone & I don't even think I think of myself that much which I'm sure you're getting a giggle out of. What's hard for me to realize is every time I think I'm over it... I'm not. Someone else will bring it up or some friends & I will talk of some funny things that we would do & secretly inside I fall apart.

I can’t break through these walls that are rising in front of me
And the deeper I fall, I realise I'm never gonna be free
Baby release me

It always keeps coming back
The sound of missing you
I hear it all around
The sound of missing you
The silence is so loud
The sound of missing you

Time goes by and it feels like I’m just going out of my mind
What we had, bring it back now
Cause I’m feeling empty inside
Oh, times goes by and it feels like I’m just going out of my mind
What we had, bring it back now
Cause I’m feeling empty inside


Somehow just today I'm finding out about Gem. It breaks my heart to know he passed a short time ago. I do take solace that I'm sure you're walking him all over Heaven & the fact that he was able to be reunited with you. You two were quite the pair. He was pretty much you're baby. As I type that I can hear you getting him to do things. I can remember the love I saw in your eyes when you would look into those big beautiful eyes of his. It was adorable. So even though I know he's gone at least he's with you. Just wished we had you both.


It always keeps coming back
The sound of missing you
I hear it all around
The sound of missing you
The silence is so loud

the sound of missing you.....
I'll love and miss you always.
Save some dancing space for me.

Top 150 Songs of 2010

It’s that time again folks. Nick’s top songs of the year. There is a bit of a change this year. Instead of it being top 100 it’s now 150. Basically it’s me including tons of songs that weren’t released in the US. Another change is I’ve included a few songs that initially charted a few yrs ago but considering the amount of times I played them & couldn’t get them out of my head I had to include them. Case in point Alphabeat. Somehow Ke$ha ended up with the most singles on this list which I don’t know how that happened. She may be a complete hot mess but I guess I can’t get her songs out of my head. For the third year in a row Gaga has the top song. There are a few songs that were on the list for ‘09 & found their way on this one as well because they continued to chart this year & dominate radio or downloads…. or at least stuck in my head. Check it out & if there are any songs you don’t know look em up, you just may like them.

1. Bad Romance/Lady Gaga #1 UK, Canada, US Dance #2 US Pop, Australia

2. Tik Tok/Ke$ha #1 (9 weeks) US, Australia, Canada #4 UK

3. California Gurls/Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg #1 (6 weeks) US, Australia, Canada, UK

4. Once/Diana Vickers #1 UK #3 Ireland

5. Only Girl (In The World)/Rihanna #1 US, UK, Australia, Canada

6. Boyfriend/Alphabeat #15 UK

7. Telephone/Lady Gaga & Beyonce #1 UK, #3 US, Australia, Canada

8. All The Lovers/Kylie Minogue #1 US Dance #3 UK #13 Australia

9. Pick Up The Phone/Dragonette #28 Canada

10. Rude Boy/Rihanna #1 (5 weeks) US, Australia #2 UK, US R&B #7 Canada

11. Whataya Want From Me/Adam Lambert #3 Canada #4 Australia #10 US

12. Raise Your Glass/Pink #1 US, Australia #2 Canada #13 UK

13. Teenage Dream/Katy Perry #1 (2 weeks) US #2 Australia, Canada, UK

14. Need You Now/Lady Antebellum #1 (5 weeks) US Country #2 US Pop, Canada #21 UK #27 Australia

15. Your Love Is My Drug/Ke$ha #3 Australia #4 US #6 Canada #13 UK

16. Break Your Heart/Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris #1 (3 weeks) US, Canada, UK #2 Australia

17. OMG/Usher feat. Will.I.Am #1 (4 weeks) US, Australia, UK #2 Canada

18. Dancing On My Own/Robyn #1 Sweden #3 US Dance #8 UK

19. Alejandro/Lady Gaga #1 US Dance #2 Australia #4 Canada #5 US Pop #7 UK

20. Get Outta My Way/Kylie Minogue #1 US Dance #12 UK #69 Australia

21. Take It Off/Ke$ha #5 Australia #8 US, Canada #15 UK

22. Love The Way You Lie/Eminem feat. Rihanna #1 (7 weeks) US, Australia, Canada #2 UK

23. Dynamite/Taio Cruz #1 Australia, Canada, UK #2 US

24. Like A G6/Far East Movement feat. Dev & The Cataracs #1 (3 weeks) US #2 Australia #3 Canada #5 UK

25. Fuck You/Cee-Lo Green #1 UK #5 Australia #9 US #11 Canada

26. Acapella/Kelis #1 US Dance #5 UK

27. DJ/Alphabeat #6 Denmark

28. Put It In A Love Song/Alicia Keys feat. Beyonce #18 Australia #60 US R&B

29. My Secret Lover/Private #1 Denmark

30. Promise This/Cheryl Cole #1 UK, Ireland

31. Make You Feel My Love/Adele #4 UK #5 Ireland

32. Firework/Katy Perry #1 (3 weeks) US, Canada #3 Australia, UK

33. Hey, Soul Sister/Train #1 US Adult Contemporary, Australia #3 Canada, US Pop

34. Indestructible/Robyn #4 Sweden

35. Un-Thinkable (I’m Ready)/Alicia Keys #1 (12 weeks) US R&B #21 US Pop

36. Just The Way You Are/Bruno Mars #1 US, UK, Australia, Canada

37. Imma Be/Black Eyed Peas #1 US #7 Australia

38. Not Myself Tonight/Christina Aguilera #1 US Dance #11 Canada #12 UK #22 Australia #23 US Pop

39. I Like It/Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull #1 Canada, US Dance #2 Australia #4 US Pop, UK

40. Dance In The Dark/Lady Gaga #24 Australia

41. Latest Heartbreak/22-20’s

42. Hang With Me/Robyn #2 Sweden #10 US Dance

43. Woo Hoo/Christina Aguilera feat. Nicki Minaj #46 Canada #79 US

44. Glitter In The Air/Pink #13 Canada #18 US

45. Candy/Aggro Santos feat. Kimberly Wyatt #5 UK

46. Broken Heels/Alexandra Burke #5 Ireland #8 UK

47. Revolver/Madonna #4 US Dance #47 Canada

48. What’s My Name/Rihanna feat. Drake #1 US #2 UK #5 Canada #18 Australia

49. My Chick Bad/Ludacris feat. Nicki Minaj #2 US Rap & R&B #11 US Pop

50. Dirty Picture/Taio Cruz feat. Ke$ha #6 UK #16 Australia #49 Canada #96 US

51. The Boy Who Murdered Love/Diana Vickers #36 UK

52. Oh Santa!/Mariah Carey #1 US Adult Contemporary #100 US Pop

53. Why Don’t You Love Me/Beyonce #1 US Dance #14 UK R&B

54. Rocket/Goldfrapp #1 US Dance #47 UK

55. Good Times/Roll Deep feat. Jodie Connor #1 UK

56. Haven’t Met You Yet/Michael Buble #1 US Adult Contemporary #4 Canada #5 UK #9 Australia #24 US Pop

57. Momma’s Place/Roisin Murphy #27 UK Indie Singles

58. Not Giving Up On Love/Armin Van Buuren feat. Sophie Ellis-Bextor #1 Poland #3 Russia #27 UK Dance

59. Hole In My Heart/Alphabeat #29 UK

60. My First Kiss/3Oh3! feat. Ke$ha #7 Canada & UK #9 US #13 Australia

61. Stuck Like Glue/Sugarland #2 US Country #17 US Pop

62. Bittersweet/Sophie Ellis-Bextor #14 UK Dance #25 UK Pop

63. DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love/Usher feat. Pitbull #2 Canada #3 Australia #4 US #7 UK

64. Gypsy/Shakira #1 US Latin Pop #65 US Pop

65. Jar Of Hearts/Christina Perri #34 US #36 Canada

66. Beautiful Monster/Ne-Yo #1 UK, US Dance #40 Canada #53 US Pop

67. We R Who We R/Ke$ha #1 US, Australia #2 Canada

68. In My Head/Jason Derulo #1 UK, Australia #2 Canada #5 US

69. Stereo Love/Edward Maya feat. Vika Jigulina #1 France #4 UK #10 Canada #16 US

70. Waka Waka (This Time For Africa)/Shakira #1 Sweden, Poland, Italy #2 US Latin Pop #11 Canada #21 UK #38 US Pop

71. Rock That Body/Black Eyed Peas #8 Australia #9 US #11 UK

72. Can’t Fight This Feeling/Junior Caldera feat. Sophie Ellis-Bextor #1 Russia, Poland

73. 3 Words/Cheryl Cole feat. Will.I.Am #4 UK #5 Australia #7 Ireland

74. Secrets/One Republic #1 Poland #21 US #32 Canada

75. Dog Days Are Over/Florence & The Machine #6 Ireland #9 US Rock #19 Canada #21 US Pop #23 UK

76. Check It Out/Nicki Minaj & Will.I.Am #11 UK #14 Canada US Rap #21 Australia #24 US Pop

77. Whip My Hair/Willow #2 UK #5 US R&B #11 US Pop #18 Australia, Canada

78. Club Can’t Handle Me/Flo-Rida feat. David Guetta #1 UK #3 Australia #4 Canada #9 US

79. Gettin’ Over You/David Guetta &Chris Willis feat. Fergie & LMFAO #1 US Dance, UK #5 Australia #12 Canada #31 US Pop

80. Misery/Maroon 5 #5 US Dance #13 Canada #14 US Pop #30 UK

81. Mine/Taylor Swift #2 US Country #3 US Pop #7 Canada #9 Australia

82. Nothin’ On You/B.o.B. feat. Bruno Mars #1 US, UK #3 Australia #10 Canada

83. I Like/Keri Hilson #1 Germany #15 UK R&B #34 UK Pop

84. Cooler Than Me/Mike Posner #4 Australia #5 Canada, UK #6 US

85. If I Had You/Adam Lambert #4 Australia #8 Canada #30 US

86. Parachute/Cheryl Cole #4 Ireland #5 UK

87. Commander/Kelly Rowland #1 US Dance #2 UK Dance #9 UK Pop

88. Hands/The Ting-Tings #29 UK

89. Your Love/Nicki Minaj #1 US Rap #4 US R&B #14 US Pop #32 Australia

90. It Kills Me/Melanie Fiona #1 US R&B #43 US Pop

91. You Used To Hold Me/Calvin Harris #4 UK Dance #27 UK Pop

92. Loca/Shakira feat. Dizzee Rascal #1 US Latin Pop/Dance, Poland, Spain #32 US Pop #36 Canada

93. Baby/Justin Bieber feat. Ludacris #3 Australia, Canada, UK #5 US

94. Just A Dream/Nelly #3 Australia, US #5 Canada #8 UK

95. Monster/Lady Gaga #6 Hungary #22 US Latin Pop #29 US Dance

96. Empire State Of Mind pt. 2 (Broken Down)/Alicia Keys #4 UK #8 Ireland #55 US

97. Back To December/Taylor Swift #6 US Pop #7 Canada #13 US Country

98. Impossible/Shontelle #9 UK #13 US

99. King Of Anything/Sara Bareilles #11 US Adult Contemporary #32 US Pop

100. Better Than Today/Kylie Minogue #32 UK

101. Can’t Be Tamed/Miley Cyrus #6 Canada #8 US #13 UK #14 Australia

102. Alive/Goldfrapp #1 US Dance

103. Carry Out/Timbaland feat. Justin Timberlake #6 UK #7 Canada #11 US

104. I Am/Mary J. Blige #3 US Dance #4 US R&B #34 UK #55 US Pop

105. The Time (Dirty Bit)/Black Eyed Peas #1 Australia, Canada, UK #4 US

106. The Only Exception/Paramore #1 UK Rock #17 Australia#24 US #25 Canada

107. Happiness/Alexis Jordan #1 US Dance #3 UK #25 Australia

108. Release Me/Zoe Badwi #1 Australia Dance

109. Bottoms Up/Trey Songz feat. Nicki Minaj #2 US R&B #6 US Pop

110. Teenage Dream/Glee Cast #8 US Pop #10 Canada

111. Blah Blah Blah/Ke$ha feat. 3Oh!3 #3 Australia, Canada #7 US #11 UK

112. Peacock/Katy Perry #1 US Dance

113. Give A Little More/Maroon 5 #86 US

114. The Sound Of Missing You/Ameerah #3 US Dance

115. Make Me Wanna Die/The Pretty Wreckless #1 UK Rock #16 UK Pop

116. Live Like We’re Dying/Kris Allen #8 US AC #18 US Pop #41 Canada

117. Louboutins/Jennifer Lopez #1 US Dance

118. 4th of July/Kelis #4 US Dance #32 UK

119. Today Was A Fairytale/Taylor Swift #1 Canada #2 US Pop #3 Australia

120. Clap Your Hands/Sia

121. Fire In Your New Shoes/Kaskade feat. Dragonette #69 Canada

122. Night Is Young/Nelly Furtado #20 Canada

123. For The First Time/The Script #4 UK #12 Australia

124. Heartbox/Christophe Willem

125. Video Phone/Beyonce & Lady Gaga #9 US Dance #37 US R&B #58 UK

126. Forever & A Day/Kelly Rowland #49 UK

127. Pack Up/Eliza Doolittle #5 UK #6 Ireland

128. All Night Long/Alexandra Burke feat. Pitbull #1 Ireland #4 UK

129. Ridin’ Solo/Jason Derulo #2 UK #4 Australia #9 US

130. Shark In The Water/V.V. Brown #20 US AC #34 UK #67 US Pop

131. Any Which Way/Scissor Sister’s #81 UK

132. Just Be Good To Green/Professor Green feat. Lily Allen #5 UK #17 Ireland

133. Poison/Nicole Scherzinger #3 UK

134. Loving You Is Easy/Sarah McLachlan #14 US AC #59 Canada

135. Believer/Goldfrapp #31 US Dance

136. Te Amo/Rihanna #3 Poland #5 UK R&B #14 UK Pop #22 Australia

137. Miami 2 Ibiza/Swedish House Mafia Vs. Tinie Tempah #1 UK Dance/US Dance #4 UK Pop

138. Memories/David Guetta feat. Kid Cudi #3 Australia #7 US Dance #15 UK #46 US Pop

139. You Lost Me/Christina Aguilera #1 US Dance #28 US AC

140. Booty Bounce/Dev

141. You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me/Cher #8 US Dance

142. Please Don’t Let Me Go/Olly Murs #1 UK #5 Ireland

143. Starry Eyed/Ellie Goulding 34 UK

144. Who Wants To Be Alone/Tiesto feat. Nelly Furtado #10 UK Dance

145. Fire With Fire/Scissor Sister’s #1 US Dance #11 UK

146. Crossfire/Brandon Flowers #7 US Dance #8 UK #11 US Rock

147. Mama’s Song/Carrie Underwood #4 US Country #56 US Pop

148. Missing You/The Saturday’s #3 UK

149. Miss Nothing/The Pretty Wreckless #39 UK

150. Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor)/Pitbull feat. T-Pain #10 Australia #27 US

The Attack

It started out like any other night. It was the Saturday night before Thanksgiving. My friends Greg & Sean came over for some drinks before we were to go out dancing. It’s kind of the ritual for us to pre drink at someone’s apt & normally it’s mine. After a couple of hrs we headed over to Bartini to meet the rest of the crew. Like usual there was drunken dancing & working the dancefloor with my girl Nicole. By the end of the night I was tired & as usual talks of going to the diner came about. Nicole, Scott & Danny (the dj at Bartini) were going to go to a nearby diner & I said, “I don’t wanna be a fat ass at 4 in the morning by eating. I just want to go home.” There has been plenty of nights where the booze has gotten the best of me & I wasn’t sure how I got home. This wasn’t one of those nights. Just a little buzzed & I just wanted to go to bed. So I left them & started to make my way home. I’ve made the walk a million times before considering this has been my ‘hood’ for most of the years I’ve been in NYC. I’d only walked a few blocks from Bartini & had turned on 48th & started to walk east when I heard my phone ring. So I pulled it out of my coat & saw that it was Nicole calling. I figured that it was them just trying to convince me to turn back around & meet them. I hit ignore & went to put my phone back in pocket when I felt someone grab me from behind.

For a moment I thought it was Scott or one of them being overly aggressive. I know how we can get after drinking. But the moment quickly fleeted when I felt a fist punch my right jaw. Another hit to the side happened & I managed to get away from the attackers grasp. In the quick moment that I saw him I could see he was a white guy with brownish short hair & looked in his 20’s. He went to swing again & I ducked & then I began to fight back. I got in some punches but very quickly & from behind someone sucker punched me in the head. A few more punches & then I kneeled over. At some point I must have dropped my phone & I’m assuming the 2nd guy grabbed it. They ran off & I was left in a kind of s shock. The whole attack lasted probably less than a minute & maybe even 30 seconds. For a moment I remember thinking ‘Did this really just happen?’ & then as I was looking down on the ground for my phone I saw blood dropping all over my shoes & jeans. I reached up to my nose & looked at my hands covered in blood. I reached back at the back of my head & felt wet as well & all I could think of was this was where I had a tumor.

In my semi state of shock I walked back to 10th Avenue to get a cab. One immediately stopped & he drove me to the hospital. They immediately took care of me. I’m assuming I looked a little rough with blood covered jeans & face & I’m pretty sure I was freaking out. X-Rays were done & the police were called. By the time they came I had made a couple calls to the only numbers that I could recall in that moment. In tears I left a message to Larry & Jordan telling them what had happened. I remember wondering just how did this happen & I was also worried that something would be broken. I also thought about how this was going to screw up my Thanksgiving & I was already in a slight depression because the next day would be the anniversary of Jason passing away. Needless to say it sucked. I found out that neither my jaw or my nose was broken & it wasn’t fractured. The police haven’t really been any help either. All I have is a case number. As a few days passed the bruises started to appear. The largest of them is the one on my bicep which is still there but fading. My jaw was swollen & I looked like a chipmunk & there was a black & blue mark under my eye. The worst thing physically has been my mouth. It’s now been 3 weeks & it still hasn’t healed. I’ve not been able to eat many things except soup & mashed potatoes & a few other things that don’t involve much chewing. With each day I hope I’ll wake up & it will feel better. So far no. The dentist says my mouth is in ‘trauma’ & I’m like no shit! I’m fucking hungry.

For days I avoided talking about it to even some of my closest of friends & only now seem to find the time & energy to write this blog. Talking about it isn’t the easiest because the main thing it’s left me with emotionally is anger. For a couple days I was afraid to leave the house which then lead to anger because I thought how dare any one make me feel this way. I’ve been here 10 yrs & I’ll be damned if any one has that power over me. So what I’m left with is anger. I want these 2 assholes to get what’s coming to them. I wouldn’t feel bad if they were dead actually. It’s hard to know that I have these kind of feelings about people I don’t even know, one in which I didn’t even see. I just want them to feel the pain that I’ve now been feeling for 3 weeks. As I sat at the hospital having to give my account to the officers one told me, “We don’t normally say this to victims but it’s probably a good thing you fought back.” I was a little confused & in my state at that moment all I could think of was they left me much worse off then I left the one asshole. Later I found out that that night there were a string of incidents that occurred & one guy was strangled.

Going through this was not easy but I do realize it could have been so much worse. As always I try to think positively. During the whole incident nothing was ever said by the 2 people. We’re assuming it was all over an I-phone. Tis the season for bad things to happen & in this economy I guess people are desperate enough to do anything. I’m just waiting to feel better than ok & I’m looking forward to being able to eat anything I want. I’m so sick of soup honestly. But I’m glad I was able to walk away. My friend EJ said, “I’m calling you the Unsinkable Mr. Padron.” Because I may be knocked down for a little bit but you can best believe I’m just come back harder.

Tricking With Treats

It’s a little after 4 & I’m here at work desperately thinking I should have taken off. I know everyone say Mondays suck & blah blah blah but lemme tell ya this one has been rough. All day long I’ve been not quite understand what people have been saying to me. As in they’ll be talking to me & I’m looking in a blank stare. I’ve accidentally kicked over trash cans & then knocked over my ravioli onto the floor. Then I happened to come across a sheet from last yrs Health Fair & saw my body fat has went up from 10.1 to 12.3%. Not acceptable. Boo hoo right? It still didn’t stop me from running around like I was Ice-T’s gf Coco showing all my junk to the world this weekend. Halloween weekend did me in folks. It totally tricked my treats & I had a blast. My roommates & I had a party on Friday night & just like Nickakah we had a house full of liquored up people. I took my bed out of my room & made it the club room once again. We had beer pong in the living room & the other rooms were VIP only. Ok VIP as in doing shots with roomies in case we ran out of liquor in the kitchen. Geoff & Becky dressed up as Roger & Joan from Mad Men, LD & her bf were chained together as a criminals dressed all in black & as for me. Well I called myself Disgo-go. I had my disco stick, one sequined glove & silver sequined suspenders. Any excuse to hardly wear clothes I’ll go with. Tons of the straight kids dressed up while a lot of my gays didn’t. One of my favorites was when I saw a Lady Gaga from the Telephone video. Much to my delight Ellen whipped out the Spoon Ellen coming as Snooki. We had Justin Beeber, nerds, farmboys, Sassy Gay Friend, quite a few cool things. The party raged on until 5 or so. I had not had any dinner bc I was so busy cleaning for it & how I wasn’t hungover the next day I have no idea.

I woke up early to try to get stuff done & then head to my last dance rehearsal for this Saturday’s show. By the end it though I was so hungry I was ready to pass out. So I booked it home & ate a little & then tried to prep for Saturday night’s party at Dana’s. Hmmmm Saturday night. Well so I hear it was a blast. There was tons of dress up galore that night. I had tried to go as a vampire but even with Paul’s help I couldn’t get my fangs to stay on. Then when I went to use the fake blood that I had just bought at Ricky’s I discovered it was all dried up! So basically $15 wasted. But the ho must go on. I put on the cape, had my black pants, gloves & called myself ‘Vamp in training’. So drinks & drinks & more drinks later I made my way to Xes then ventured off to Barage to take over the role of Sassy Gay Friend from Paul. Realizing that I was too done I went to the diner to get food & then as soon as I got home I went to sleep not eating any of it. Oh Halloween how you were a mess to me.

But all in all I had a blast & by yesterday all I could do was chill at home & try to clean from the party. I watched tons of stuff on the DVR & then watched scary movies. Then at around 10pm it was like I had a delayed hangover reaction & I got the worst headache. I couldn’t sleep it was so bad & so I took 4 advil just to try to knock it out. Later that night I had a dream that I had done a porn film & then everyone found out about it at work & I was fired. When I woke up I was so confused I actually thought the dream was real. Aye dios mio!!! I mean I know I like to run around in hardly any clothes but you have to draw the line somewhere.

And that was my weekend. I hope everyone had a good one. This upcoming weekend finds me finally dancing in the showcase that I feel we have been rehearsing for a year. In case you’re wondering….. we’re performing at the Harlem Stage at Aaron Davis Hall. Our number is called ‘Vanity’ & we’re all dressed up pretty hot or in some of our cases hardly anything at all. We go on at 8 & tickets are $20. If you can make it that would be awesome. I’ll provide the link below…..

http://purchase.tickets.com/buy/TicketPurchase?organ_val=26765&pid=6879921

Don't Ask, I'll Just Tell

I’ve been incredibly quiet (blog wise) for the past few months. I kept trying to get around to it & was inspired by a lot of things going on in my life but for the moment I’ll put those on the back burner. Today is National Coming Out Day as well as Columbus Day. How perfect is that? In honor of America being discovered I’m gonna share a little bit about discovering myself.

I remember it vividly. I was 5 & in Kindergarten. I was the type of kid that was always friendly & wanted to love & hug on everyone (Clearly not much has changed). I was especially this way around my friends at school. One of my friends was a boy named Seth. He was a cute kid with dark hair & we played together almost every day during recess. One day while on the playground I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. He pushed me away & said, “Eww, don’t you know you can’t do that?” Not understand I said, “No. Why not?” ”Because boys aren’t supposed to do that!” I was confused. I didn’t mean anything bad by it. Only that I wanted to show affection to my friend. It was clearly innocent but in that moment I remember thinking that this must be something bad & I can’t do or people will not like me. As I got older I understood more & more how people can react to you if you’re not like them. I remember being picked on by some boys for being able to do gymnastics & being able to dance. I was definitely not the sporty type & when you’re smaller than your bullies you can feel defenseless. It never got bad to a point of not wanting to go to school or anything severe as suicidal thoughts. I was popular & had friends (many of them girls) but I definitely remember thinking about getting out of town once I was grown.

I had my share of girlfriends. That wasn’t faked for sure. The girls that I dated & hooked up with I definitely had feelings for. But, for years I had also suppressed feelings that I had for boys. I remember just looking at it as idolizing them or wanting to be like them. It wasn’t until I moved to Wilmington that I actually decided to venture off into that world. Still feeling totally secretive about it I didn’t tell my friend Shuley about the new people I met. It was a week before my 21st birthday & I met this guy through my first gay friend in Wilmington. He knew I was questioning my sexuality & so we decided to hang out. We took a drive through the beach & then back to his place to hang out. I remember him playing The Velvet Rope cd by Janet. We had some of the best conversations that I had up until that point. Through much nervousness we ended up fooling around. Considering he had had boyfriends before he was able to deal with my inexperience. I remember feeling a way no girl had made me feel before but also that feeling that I was doing something wrong. The next day I went to work & on the drive there I thought I would have to pull over & throw up. For years & years I had been told it was wrong. My own mother always said ‘If you ever want to put me in an early grave just tell me you’re gay’. Eventually I stopped going to church because I just didn’t feel like it spoke to me. Between hearing races shouldn’t mix (attack #1) to that of homosexuality (attack #2) I just figured this was not for me. So for a while in WIlmington I went through guilt & was afraid to say anything to my straight friends. Luckily I had a good friend that had come out the month before me to rely on & discuss everything we had equally gone through. Much to my friends now surprise we had never hooked up. I don’t have those high school stories of random hook ups with other boys. That’s how deep under the surface I let it remain.

A few months later I moved to NY & started to meet what would become my core group of friends. We each have our stories. Some of us came out in high school, some of us came out much, much later. But the stuff that we have gone through as a whole seems to be universal. Even though I’ve lived here a while I still seem to see hate rear it’s ugly head. A few years ago at Halloween while walking down the street in Chelsea, we heard some kids (that’s right kids) using the F word & other hateful language. I couldn’t get over how innocent that they should be & why they would even know such things? Hate is taught & it’s a terrible thing. I thought if I had children I would make sure not to fill their head with such non-sense. The same kind of non-sense that has caused the recent reporting of so many young lives cut short. Zach Harington, Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Justin Aaberg & what seems countless others have committed suicide. It’s unbelievable to me. This HAS to stop. I know it’s redundant to say ‘It Gets Better’ but honestly it does & it will. To me suicide is not an option. Giving up is not an option. Not having you in the world is not ok because that means we have one less person on our team to fight the fight with. You should be there to see that it’s gonna get better. You’ll look back & remember this & remember it made you a stronger person because you DIDN’T give up. Know that even if you don’t have family there are support groups. I’ve found my friends to become my main family. Friends that can love you for you. So forget about these stupid idiots. The world is a much better place with you in it.

So with that I say Happy National Coming Out Day. The more the merrier. As for the title of the blog you may have thought I would rant a little about that as well. I don’t think there is a need to. I’m pretty sure if you know me well enough you know my thoughts on it. I don’t need to walk around in a meat ensemble. For one last thing I’ll say I don’t want to be Tolerated. I want to be ACCEPTED

Doin It, Doin It, Doin It Well

Another year, another birthday. Excuse me… Nickakah. I swear they come around way too quickly. When I was a kid it seemed like getting older was so far away. Nowadays I walk around the corner & a new age is staring me in the face. It’s a little frightening but as always when it comes around I put my best dancing foot forward & decide to celebrate. And celebrate I definitely do.

This year I started the celebration off by going to the Beacon Theater with Tasia to see one of my favorite groups, Maroon 5. It was a concert that aired on Fuse tv. Originally we were sat way up in the balcony. As anyone knows I normally like to be near the front so this just wouldn’t do. After talking to a few people people & convincing them that we were in the fanclub I got us down to the very front. It should be said…. I’m not in a fanclub but they are one of my most favorite groups so I felt justified. They performed all my favorite songs & Adam even did a few covers like ‘If I Ain’t Got You’ & ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’. For the next few days I couldn’t stop playing them off of my I-pod & I’m highly looking forward to their new album next month.

I had off that Friday so I went out the night before dancing up a storm. I hung out a lot in the dj booth with Vito & we discussed remixes & divas & boys. Fun times as always & sleeping in that morning was even better. But I couldn’t sleep in too late bc I had a party to plan. Being that I’m in a new bigger apt with roommates that are incredibly cool we decided to have a massive party for all my peeps that would be here in the city. The party went incredibly well. I moved my bed out of my room & my room became the official dance room (an idea I had taken from Scott). We had our living room filled with people who wanted to chat, a hallway with a beer pong table & of course the kitchen was filled with booze. I hadn’t been able to have a house party since ‘07 & this one outdid that one just for space reasons. At it’s peak we had 60 people in the apartment. Initially, I was a little worried about being able to get all my different kinds of folks together but in the end the straights, gays & lesbians got a long wonderfully. I had planned on ending it around 2 & then heading out somewhere but at that point there were still tons of people coming in & out. I deejayed & people danced their ass off & I loved it. My bamboo plant didn’t survive but it’s already been replaced. I had so much fun & the main thing that I wanted was for people to have fun & I’m pretty sure that was accomplished. By 7 am it was down to Scott, me, my roommate & her boyfriend. We finally had to stop dancing & go to sleep.

My next stop on the Nickakah tour was to make my way to Fire Island for all my boys out there. Well, since my party went much later than I expected I didn’t get out there until much later. Feeling so tired we opened up some champaign & the drinking began again. My liver must scream for help during Nickakah, especially when it’s in Fire Island. I don’t know what it is about that place but you gotta bring your A game & be prepared. Through Jordan, Chase & I worked as security for the Pines Party. Which basically meant this time we were at the front when people came in & they would have to show their wrist bands. All the while we were still getting our drink on. After doing this for a few hours we were relieved from our duties & off to dance & drink some more. Off the security shirts came & just in some shorts on the beach it was an awesome time. The music was good & I got to see so many of my friends. At one point I drunkenly stole someone’s disco stick. Yes a disco stick. It may be my favorite new thing. It lights up & kind of reminds me of Evil Lyn from Masters of the Universe & her crystal ball. As a child she was my favorite. So all drunk I had to have it. God help me if I see the guy I took it from out & about. He may clobber me over the head & demand for his disco stick back. Let’s hope not though because I love it.

Once again it was another night where I was up until 7 in the morning. Then by the time I got back to the house there was only a few hours of sleep & we were off to the beach for some sun & more drinks on the beach. By the afternoon baby needed a shower & a apparently a long nap. When it was time to wake up for Tea & more dancing I felt like a zombie going through the motions. Then I don’t know what it was….. ok I do… another vodka drink & I woke up. Dancing on boxes with the boys, seeing couples I had probably made out with, having a great time with my boys Rob, Brad, Phillip, Brian & Frank…. it was another fun night. The party continued at the house for dinner & then some impromptu dances of me & this girl doing the ‘If’ choreography & all the boys singing some Mariah & Moulin Rouge. Yes people it was THAT gay. But I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way & I can’t thank them enough for such a wonderful time.

By the next day we were headed back to the city & when I got home all my body was crying for was sleep! Hmmm this older thing is a little rough. At 23 I would have just kept the party continuing. 11 hours of sleep later I was up & about the house trying to clean my room. I was so glad I had taken vacation days from work because I was in major need of some time away. For the last night of Nickakah I realized that I had not even done a bday cake. So I went to the store & got a chocolate one with chocolate mousse & my roommates & I had a nice little toast. Then I met up with Vadim & a couple other people & we hit up a few bars in HK. Nickakah 2010 came in like a lion & finished the same way. Ok so there needed to be a lot more naps in between but this lion needed it.

Thanks again to everyone who made it a wonderful time. I’m always so thankful to have such good friends in my life. 10 years of Nickakah here in the city & I’m still doin it, doin it, doin it well.

When I Grow Up

So I’ve been a little silent blogwise for a few months. I went through some highlights & some low points during my first 10 years of living here in NYC. Well I should probably play a little catch up for those of you that don’t know how this year has been. 2010 has had some major improvements that’s for sure. Earlier in the year I found out that my rent was going up for the place I was staying at on West 56th st. At the same time my friends Jude & Brad were moving out of their apartment. Brad was getting a place on his own & Jude was gonna need a roommate. It made perfect sense for us to move in together, only the powers that be thought not. I learned my credit was a little crappy due to the amount of hospital bills I had incurred after the tumor. It was like, “Gee thanks, you’ve survived the tumor but now your credit score will take a major hit.” So all the places we were looking were asking for like 4-5 months rent up front which was ridiculous. The whole reason for me wanting to move was to not pay insane amounts of rent. Mind you, yes I could have moved to Brooklyn or Queens or somewhere else but after you get used to living in the center of everything you get a little picky. So sadly after trying a few months & dealing with a shady broker AND Jude even living with me in my tiny apartment for a week, we gave up. He found an apt uptown & I ended up finding a wonderful apartment with some cool peeps. It’s the biggest apartment I think I have ever been in. It’s a 4 bedroom apartment & I have 3 other roommates, the most I have ever had in my life. At one point while we were transitioning roommates there was 5 of us for a couple weeks. But, all in all these people are wonderful. I really lucked up & I’m glad to have found it. It’s even closer to my work & I’m still in my HK area and paying less than what I was paying. Once again, everything works out for a reason.

Work wise it’s been frustration after frustration. Ok, more like roller coaster of happy things versus stagnant things. I received all these extra duties & working with a different department which I was very happy about. Only NO raise. Then I think about others who are less fortunate & I’m happy to have a job. With these new responsibilities I’ve been taking a lot less breaks & working a lot of overtime so that helps I suppose but I still find myself frustrated. During this frustration I decided to start doing the stuff I really love anyway. I got a part on Law & Order SVU playing a college aged delinquent. When I was cast I thought, “Are you kidding me right now? I haven’t been to college since the 90’s!” My ego then started to inflate. Then the day of the shoot I was working with 3 other guys & one of them was telling me how he was too young to get into a club. My ego was quickly deflated. It was a one day stint & I never even saw the episode because this was during the crazy apartment search period where I barely had time for anything. I still feel bad because my crew in North Carolina was on Nick watch for this & as far as I know no one saw it. Now had I actually watched the show & been a fan maybe I would have been a little more aggressive about watching it. Meanwhile, I was just happy for the check & to have something restart the acting resume.

Shortly after I also got some work playing a Shirtless Dj/Bartender on a show that’s premiering sometime soon on Comedy Central. I’m not exactly sure when yet but believe me I’ll be letting everyone know when to watch it. It’s a show produced by Will Ferrell & stars Horatio Sanz & Chris Parnell. I’ve been a big fan of those guys since their days on SNL. Spending the day half clothed was quite funny & when I told my friends about it they said, “Wow, what a stretch for you!” I also got to spend the day working with my friend Kevin which was cool. Since then the clothes thing seems to really be coming into play. I was up for a part of a stripper on a show for Showtime starring Laura Linney but alas was not cast. It’s funny because I think about when I was much younger & I would tell my mom about how I was doing a play & the first thing she would say is, “Do you keep your clothes on?” I can only imagine her thoughts now….. if we actually spoke.

At the beginning of summer I started auditioning for plays again as well. At my first one the director had me dance & then read a very short scene from the play. Then he wanted me to take my shirt off. After a look or so he said, ‘Thanks!” & I was out the door. Feeling like I must have sucked or that I was not with the best body, I just figured that was it. A few days later I got a call that I was cast as this ’straight jock type’ of character. Please picture my face. For all of you who knew me from high school this was the furtherest thing from me at all. Ummm, even now. I don’t watch sports. I get bored & would rather be doing something else. So I started rehearsals for this play & after a few days decided I needed to quit. The direction was all over the place & after reading the whole play I thought ‘This sucks!’ This was not how I wanted my first play in years to be & I surely couldn’t invite people I know to come & see me in it. So another play & another audition & what did he have me read for? A straight jock type who is married to a woman but kind of questioning his sexuality. Hmmmm ok then. By the end of the audition I felt like I was giving a variation of the Situation from the Jersey Shore. Fist pumping aside, that was that & I’m left thinking I may need to get my friends who love sports to give me a sports 101. I mean if this is the kind of stuff I’m gonna have to read for then I may need to get a little better at it. So any one with tips send them my way (hint hint Ej & Chase). No worries though on the slutty bartender/dancer/stripper/dj stuff I’m a natural.

In a nutshell that’s how life has been going. Still managing to go out on the weekends & get a little crazy with my boys & somehow my recent fan base of boys have been in the early 20’s set. But ahhhh, those are all stories for a different blog. As most of you know this week starts the week of Nickakah 2010. I’m sure it’s gonna get crazy & I can’t wait to give you all the juicy details.

The Decade of Decadence Chapter 4: Happiness/Sorrow

What I remember most about the first few months of 2008 was me pounding pavements. Being that things didn’t end horribly with Jordan & I, there wasn’t a complete rush for me to find a place. I think I checked out places all over Manhattan. The East Village, Hell’s Kitchen, West Village, Chelsea, Gramercy, Midtown…. I even hiked my ass up to Inwood. At one point I lost my phone on the train. The amount of pills I was having to take was still a lot. I had been hoping that they could have tapered off. In fact I was hoping that I would just be Super Man & all the headaches & everything that went with it would stop. I was back at the gym & shedding the pounds that I had put on due to one of the meds. I felt like I was constantly looking forward to something being checked off the list. Get better, find the right apt, get moved, get situated, get happy. I’m such an inpatient person & I swear it must be one of those things that God is trying to teach me. Then, right before the end of March I came across an apt in HK on 56th. It was a converted 2 bedroom which meant there was no living room. One guy was moving out (hot guy named Pablo) while the other (Italian straight & reserved Andrea) was staying. The rent was right in my budget & I could move in asap. Next thing you know I had an army of gays helping me pack & move my stuff from Jordan’s place. I was so incredibly happy to have found something I liked & for the guy to not seem crazy. I had already done that as we all remember. As I gave the keys I had to Jordan there was a long moment of sadness. As I walked away I realized that so many dynamics would change. It was time for something officially new.

For months I had not been able to drink & being Sober Sister Sally was not easy. I saw things through Ej’s eyes for once. A week or so after I had moved I had another MRI. This one I was really nervous for. The one before it hadn’t shown much progress but the tumor had been removed. All my fear went away when the Dr showed me the results. Things looked much better than the previous one from 3 months before. I would just have to continue MRI’s every year to make sure all was well. Also, I was going to come off my seizure medication. All was going to be right in Nick Padron’s world. I remember my friends & I had a little countdown to when I could drink again. We went to Arriba Arriba for my first drink… a massive margarita. After a few sips I was definitely tipsy. It’s funny how much one’s tolerance can go down after not drinking for 6 months.

Those first few months found me getting to see my favorite artists. I got to meet Janet Jackson at a cd signing for ‘Discipline’. The moment had happened much like the one I had with Kylie in 2002. Stand in line, have cd, meet the star, say a few things, get your cd signed & then get the fuck out. I was ecstatic when Janet told me I was so cute. I’ll never forget that. At the end of April was the big one. Madonna was gonna do a mini concert at Roseland which was just a few blocks from my new apartment. It was quite the experience. I got in line after work with Vadim, Scott & John & prepared to stay there for the next 13 hrs. Over that time frame we met tons of other fun people & more of our friends came so we could get the bracelet that would allow us in to see our pop Icon. At points we would hear her rehearsing. Towards the end of the night the whole crowd got the pleasure of her driving by in her limo with the window down saying hello. When she got by us she said I’ll see you tomorrow night, looking right at John & I. I shit you not. John can attest to it. For what seemed days later we waited until the morning & got our bracelet. Some of us went to work, some of us took a few hrs to sleep. But we all knew we had to be back at a certain time to get another place in line. By the time that happened I had managed to get a better spot than before & by the time they let us in I managed to get close to the stage. When she came out I was pushed even further to the front. The experience was amazing. Joyous, screaming at the top of my lungs, sweaty. You would think I was talking about sex. This was 10 times better. A week later I got up early in the morning to go see Mariah at the Today show. She didn’t disappoint either. A little bit of diva antics, good vocals, & looking like she was on Fiyah! I’ve always loved how she always has help down the stairs. Diva overloaded, I was ready for summer so I could be with my boys…. meet some boys & get a little rowdy.

There were trips to Fire Island & me finally & fully able to enjoy myself. Pride came & we all came out in full force. Even though it rained we didn’t let it get us down. I missed the big storm because I was up in Jason’s office hanging. The whole day was pretty fun until the end. It was the straw that broke the camels’ back with Vadim & Jason. They had been on a tightrope for sometime but I think this when the friendship ended. An uncomfortable scenario all around I had to leave when I got a call from Jordan. His bubby had passed away & he wasn’t dealing with it well. I went to go be with him. I remembered what it felt like when mine passed & I was alone. Even though we weren’t together it felt ok to still lean on each other.

By the time Nickakah rolled around I had a plan for every single day. I was going to attack 30 with every fiber of hotness I had in me. A trip to 6 Flags, a trip to Fire Island for the Pines Party, dancing at all of my favorite clubs with my boys & girls, a performance at Therapy complete with a glass being thrown at a tranny next to me. We even ended it with a brunch with too many cocktails (of course) It was probably one of the best birthdays I have ever had. During that time I found my love for a new singer named Lady Gaga. She had performed at some of everywhere. I liked her talent & thought this girl is definitely my favorite new artist. That girl is going places! She completed the list of female singers I had met that year when I saw her at Hammerstein Ballroom. Her performance was crazy & complete with her crowd diving. I had an amazing time.

Halloween was spent as a blonde wrestler. We were all over the streets in full force & the night ended up at a Madonnathon. The election was soon after & history was made. As excited as I was for who won I was slapped in the face the next day when Proposition 8 was passed as well. There were also a bunch of lay offs at my job. Luckily, I was fine considering I’m the only person who does my job. But for everyone else times were not so pretty. I had about 15 friends that were laid off. Shuley, Tommy, Jason…. so many found themselves jobless & not sure what to do. By Christmas I had once again decided to stay in NYC & for this one it was a small & intimate dinner at Jason’s. Since the whole Pride debacle some friends were divided but I decided I wanted to spend it with him. Dinner was amazing because he cooked it. Once again, I supplied wine. Not the best of cooks mind you. Then again, I think everyone knows that. I spent New Years with Jason & some more friends. A drunken time was had by all & it found me out until 7 am.

2009 was not so divine. I spent the first few months forever plagued by my tonsils. It would get better & then somehow 2 weeks later they would get worse. I was ready to have them ripped out even though the dr didn’t advice that. A major highlight was seeing Britney Spears very up close & personal at her concert. The Pussycat Dolls opened up for her (all 20 of them lol). Through all the sickness I managed to make it for birthdays galore. Then in March I got sequestered to be a grand juror for the whole month of April. Talk about a pain in the ass. I was able to be at work for half the day & then I had to haul my ass down to court & sit & listen to cases & then decide if it was worthy to go onto trial. I sat right in front & like always I found myself falling asleep if I have to listen to someone monotone for too long. Some cases were terrible but then some were just straight up boring. I squeezed in another Gaga show & by this time she had definitely blown up. I was so proud. I saw En Vogue, some ladies I used to love in the 90’s, with Scott. At both shows I found myself incredibly close to the stage which is just the way I like it.

By summer, I was once again prepared for boys & booze & shenanigans. Nothing much is memorable enough to discuss. It was the events of my NC trip that has to this day left a bad taste in my mouth. It was wonderful seeing my sisters, Shuley, my friend Lisa, Wilmington peeps, & re-bonding with peeps from high school. Like I said, always an amazing time with them. My friends have truly become a substitute for family. Especially when you family become retarded. I had not even been down in NC for 24 hrs & my mother caused a scene & in her angry rant(s) said that I should have died after my surgery. I have not spoke with her since. I have always tried to be a positive person so moving right along once again Nickakah came along & I had an awesome time. I decided to take Nickakah on the road. Well basically the train & ferry to Fire Island. I spent the whole week there in a house through my friend Rob & Brad. It was like a gay frat house & everyone running around in hardly any clothes. By the end of the week I had hooked up with the 2 members of the house that I had not known. I know this may sound a little slutty but in pales in comparison to all of the other trysts throughout the years.

In the time after things calmed down. Not by choice. One of those last few moments that were fun were when Erick & Jason & I hung out before heading to a club. Jason had been jobless still for months & couldn’t afford to stay here in the city so he decided to take his dog Gem upstate to stay with his cousin. He had left shortly after his bday in May. There had been a joint celebration since Erick & his bday are around the same time. We had a great time so us being able to get together again was nice. I noticed it looked like he had been losing weight & he exclaimed he had not been able to keep weight on. He said he was kind of worried but not incredibly worried about it. Besides, not having health insurance makes it incredibly pricey to go see the dr. I had health insurance for all my brain tumor stuff & I’m still to this day getting bills for it. Absolutely sucks.

One Friday night, Jaime’s bday to be exact, I decided to come home & chill & not go out after hanging with Jaime for a few hrs. I slept a few hrs & then around 3 I woke up feeling disoriented & my arms in pain. I went to the bathroom & looked in the mirror. They weren’t dislocated but I couldn’t shake that something was wrong. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I had a seizure in my sleep. My thought turned out to be right. As I waited for the MRI results fears came rushing back to me. I was not prepared to do all of this again. It’s one thing when you go through it but to have it as a possibility that something may have grown back is even scarier. After the MRI I was told it was scar tissue. I had no idea that this could happen. The dr hadn’t told me this could happen. It felt like I needed to be put on an alert chart. I was put back on seizure medication. There was this massive bruise on my arm that I think I had for about a month. The positive with this medication was that I done my homework. You could drink with this one.

Determined not to keep a good bitch down I went to see Kylie & in true form I rushed my ass to the front. The concert was amazing & had me in a high. I also attended the Divas Live show with my friend Chase. You could see us throughout the whole show while we were dancing in the pit. Me, not being able to properly raise my arms because they were still in pain, & Chase because he is so damn tall. I also attended the Pink concert which was awesome. This also found the time for me to be cast in a commercial that I had yet to see. Feeling unfulfilled with work & missing what I had originally set out to do when I came here I went to a casting agency. That’s how I got the commercial. It was a long day & I was reminded of how long shoots & stuff could be. I didn’t mind. It was better than being at a job I was completely bored with.

November rolled around & I had been trying to get a hold of Jason. He had gotten sicker & had been in the hospital a few times. As far as I knew he had been released. I knew he was terrible about returning phone calls so I finally called & left a message. ”I guess you’re dead since you can’t call a bitch back! Seriously call me because we need to go see a 2-4-1 this Saturday.” Still no word & I went on to the movies. I can’t even remember what I saw. What I will always remember is being at work & having my phone ring & it was a number I didn’t recognize so I didn’t answer. The voicemail was from Jason’s cousin Jerry asking for me to call him back. When I did he told me that Jason had passed away the night before in the hospital. I think I went through a state of shock. I was standing outside of St. Patrick Cathedral with people walking by me. It felt like everything just kind of stopped. It was like the whole world was whizzing around me & I was in a haze. When it stopped I felt tears down my cheek that I couldn’t stop. Jason was one of the most important people in the world to me. First real boyfriend, life-long friend. You hear people say a phrase like ‘So & so is in my thoughts everyday.’ There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about him.

The holidays were not easy because I was in a depressed state. Ej & a few others managed to get me to go out a little. But it’s so easy to mask a smile & pretend you’re having a good time. I think over the years I’ve semi-mastered it. I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner with my friend Anabel & her family. It was such a nice time she invited me again for Christmas Eve dinner. She has taken me in as if I was her own. It was a nice feeling. I thought about how I spent the previous one with Jason. Instead of being depressed about it I tried to think about how wonderful it was to have the time with him. I try to take solace in that & just know that I will see him again. It doesn’t change the fact that I still miss him everyday. He’s in my thoughts a little extra this week because it would be his 30th birthday this week.

TO BE CONCLUDED

The Decade of Decadence Chapter 3: No Longer Singing Acapella

Before the end of 2005 we had another death in our family. While outside doing some kind of work, my step-father had a heart attack. To make matters worse no one found him for a while. Unfortunately, it was one of my sisters who made the discovery. It was right before Christmas & once again we had a reason to not love the holiday. He & my mother never had the best kind of marriage & as an example it left me thinking a relationship/marriage probably wasn’t for me. The only good that seemed to come from it was my sisters. It wasn’t all bad times but for a large majority of their time together I remember my mother complaining. I remember thinking I would never stay in a relationship if I was that unhappy.

By the new year I declared that the slogan would be ‘A life remixed in 06′. I had no idea how right I would be. I was temping like a mad man & working at jobs all over places. Wherever my agency could get me work, I was happy. My home life at West 47th had remained nutty as ever. I had always claimed I would stay there until I could live alone or if I met someone that I thought I could live with, perhaps a boyfriend. One night towards the end of January my roommate Oz got into a fight. An actual physical fight. Jordan called the cops & my friends were freaking out. It was all over a cd. Looking back it made no sense but it was just one of Oz’s insane ways. In a split second decision Jordan looked at me & said, “I don’t want you living like this. Why don’t you move in with me?” Without much thought I said yes. A few days later we started packing my stuff & we moved all of it to his place in Union Square. Oz was incredibly remorseful for his actions but by then I was highly over it all. His antics with not paying the rent on time, using our money to buy cds/dvds, inside escort jobs, his crazy ways…. I was done. So living with Jordan made sense in my head. In my heart, I was freaked out. This was my first time living with a boyfriend. I worried that we would get on each others nerves. I worried about a lot of things. I have a very telling face & I remember my friend Tom seeing this & him assuring me that all would work out fine. He was there to help us clean & organize & make everything look homey. I remember us taking days at a time just to clean & organize. I had days off from temping & Jordan was looking for another job at the time & Tom was able to come on his downtime. I say this like we were fixing up some massive house but in reality we’re talking about a one bedroom apartment. Certainly big for NY standards but not massive for those of you reading who hasn’t quite experienced homes in NY. Everything was fixed up like a club. Jordan had set up moving lights & fog & I had my wall of sound. We referred to it as Club 415. Soon all of our friends would come over for pre-drinks & to hang out before we would set out to whatever club that we would go to at the time. I also had my first passover with him & a few months later we hosted an impromptu wedding reception for his friend Dawne & Pablo. I deejayed & we all had a blast, including her 94 year old grandmother. By this point everyone had definitely become to just refer to us as Nick & Jordan. What had once kind of freaked me out was now bringing me solace. I thought hey, maybe I can be good ad this.

In May of that year my sister was about to graduate from high school so I decided to go down to NC for it. I had not been in 2 & half years. Whenever I go down I try to spend at least a week since I rarely go. I spent a few days with the family & had a great time & then took myself to Wilmington to hang with my friends there. As the summer came trips to Fire Island begun & that involved a lot of the arguments between Jordan & I. I found myself not really spending a lot of time with him when we were out there because he would be working or dealing with some kind of EMT situation. Family arguments also left me feeling really uncomfortable. I felt like I would be happier staying in the city. He felt like he would be happier if I just came out anyway. The word compromise was not fully in my dictionary. By the end of June I did find some good luck with temping at an ad agency. They said it would be 2 weeks, possibly longer.

That summer I also saw Madonna’s Confession show with Vadim & a full fledged birthday celebration was staged. I basically had been celebrating my birthday for a week since 2001. That was when I saw Madonna’s Drowned World Tour. But this was the year I gave it the name of Nickakah. I figured if the Jews could have Hanukkah then I could celebrate in my own way. Each night was spent just the way it should be. Being with the people you love & dancing & having a great time. Jordan made a t-shirt that said Nickakah 2006 with a quote from me that I can’t remember now. Vadim has this shirt to this day (it’s been Basic Trashed each year). In August Jordan took me see Mariah at MSG as a late bday present since he knew how much I loved her. I made more trips out to Fire Island & Mother Nature would reward me by raining the whole entire time. Seriously, no joke…. every time I would go out there, it would rain. I would stay in the city & hang with my friends & it would be sunny & gorgeous all over. It was like all parties would win even if we were apart for a few days. In September we went to go see Janet on the Today show. The year had been awesome so far. I got to see my 3 of my music diva’s. I found myself at one job for more than a few weeks. I was still a temp at my job at TBWA but by now there was talk that I was finally going to get hired as a permanent employee. Finally, right before Christmas I was hired. The holidays, like always came quickly & fast. I remember that Christmas being a lot of fun. A lot of food & a lot of wine & a drunken walk up to see the tree in Rockefeller Center. A drunken crazy made some mean comments about us & our gayness & I was ready to throw down. By New Years Eve we decided to throw our own party. Everyone had done the club thing before & other parties that cost way too much money. So, this made more sense. It was an awesome party until we realized that Jordan’s corporate card had been stolen. He (like any one else would be) was angry & was determined it was one of my friends random people. I was SURE it wasn’t. Turns out it was someone we considered a close friend. ’The Hamburgler’ & him haven’t been friend since. All in all 2006 the life that was remixed was shaping up to be quite a good one.

The new year brought in tons of bday celebrations like always. Every single year now I seem to be deluged with bday parties because all of my friends were born in the first few months of the year. Valentine’s Day is 2 days before Jordan’s bday & for this day he presented me with a ring. He had one for himself as well & it wasn’t like an engagement ring. More like a symbolization I suppose. When I was 9 I remember my Aunt’s second husband having to have his ring cut off his finger because it had gotten stuck. It freaked me out so much that from that point on the thought of a ring on my finger highly bothered me. I didn’t even get a class ring in high school because of it. So when Jordan did this I freaked out. I did my best to wear it but even with the slightest feeling of it being too snug I broke out in hives. To him it was Nicolas just being Nicolas. To me it was so much more. We had definitely fallen into the same ol same ol that any couple falls into. It’s reality & it just happens to everyone. By March, everyone came together for the ending of something much more symbolical to NY. The closing of the Roxy. Every single one of my friends were there. All of gay NY was there. Hell, this is the place that so much had happened to me. Now my favorite place to go to just let go & dance was shutting down. It was the end of an era. I haven’t found a place I loved quite like the Roxy. As I look back on past blogs throughout the years there were so many blogs dedicated to what went on there & the friendships I made & the boys I met, the superstars I’ve seen there. Madonna, Cher, Beyonce, The Pussycat Dolls just to name a few. I remember when Cher was there I called my Aunt just to make her jealous. The night Madonna was there it took me forever to get in & I was separated from my friends. All I could think of was get to the middle, get to the middle! Once I was there I turn at my right & all of a sudden I notice that Jordan was on my right. At the time we weren’t together & shortly after that was when we had decided to get back together. So for me, Roxy held a lot of my memories….. good & bad.

In April all of us were dancing & getting our drink on at Pop Rocks when I randomly popped my shoulder out of it’s socket. The same shoulder that had plagued me with problems since I was 19. I had to go to the hospital & had to have them pop it back in. I remember hoping & praying that that would be my only trip to the hospital that year. In May I decided to visit NC again. This trip ended up to be a pretty good one because I was reunited with a friend I hadn’t seen in years. We got drunk in my hotel room & she stayed over. The next morning my mom showed up thinking I had hooked up with her. I should point out that my mom was the only person in the family that didn’t know I was gay. The rest of the trip was pretty fun even if Shuley lost her keys. Looking back & reading about it gives me the giggles.

By the time summer started the arguments about Fire Island had become discussion meets compromise. Had we been in the gay section The Pines, things may have been different. I would have definitely wanted to go more. When I would go Jordan didn’t want me to go out there. It was more of a control issue I think. When I was out there with his family we did manage to have some good times with his sister & her bf. Jillian & I have always gotten along well. But for the most part I looked forward to having the weekends in the city to myself. My me, myself & I time was something I treasured because I got it so rarely. I don’t know. Some couples I know are attached at the hip & it has always sickened me. I mean if it works then fine but have a sense of yourself. Don’t lose who you are. I loved being able to just go to Virgin or a music store & spend hours just doing my own thing. Not all people feel that way though. Throughout the year we had many fights about the fact that Jordan just wanted to stay home & I wanted to go out. If we were out we would somehow still fight because there were time limits & we would have to leave at a certain time. It didn’t make for an easy time for us or our friends.

Pride 07 had come & gone & drunken shenanigans had happened plenty. I never have considered myself an alcoholic but there have definitely been times where I should have stopped myself. There is a fine line between being the life of a party & becoming a hot hot mess. Since the beginning of 07 I had fallen in love with the album Back To Black by Amy Winehouse. So many of the songs lyrics were things that I felt I had went through myself. ’You Know I’m No Good’, ‘Tears Dry On Their Own’, ‘Back To Black’ & “He Can Only Hold Her’ felt like it was just for me. ‘Rehab’ was my song for the year & the year was only half over. Nickakah came & another glorious celebration was had. For my bday Jordan bought me a dual cd player which aided in the deejaying process. Music flowed continuously (unless my drinks were kicking in). It felt very complete with his lights & my wall of sound.

For the next few months nothing of significant importance happened. One Saturday night in mid-October changed that. We were out with a friends at Splash when one of them had apparently done too much coke & overdosed. Off to the hospital we had to go. I remember thinking how much I hated hospitals & I had just been a few months back after dislocated my shoulder. I didn’t want to be back at one at all. The following night we sat down for a normal night of Chinese & watching tv. We went to bed like normal on any other Sunday night. I went to sleep thinking about the things I would have to do at work the next day. In the middle of the night I woke up to see EMT people around me & Jordan looking stressed but trying to remain calm. My shoulder was in pain & I felt really loopy. I realized I must have dislocated my shoulder in my sleep again. The same way that I had been doing randomly since I was 19. Once they got me to the hospital they popped it back in & after doing MRI’s of my head they discovered a brain tumor. I was floored & in a state of shock. My friend Larry was with me when I got the news & after having a good cry I decided to just stay strong, The doctors said they had to remove it & hopefully all would go well. Friends came by to visit. My Aunt & my mom came up from the south. To say the whole experience shook up my whole world would be a major understatement. While I was in ICU I had nothing but time to think about everything. I remember being scared. I remember being grateful for having Jordan. I thought back on what my grandmother had said. She had been worried that if something bad had happened to me I would be alone & no one to take care of me. Only now at least i had him, he was my rock. To say the whole experience changed my world would be an understatement. Once I was released & back at home it was like I was a delicate flower for real. During those first few days at home I came out to my mom while she was staying with us. She didn’t take the news well & the next day she left to go back home. She said she would just need some time for it to process. Meanwhile, I had to heal. I had to take so much medicine it was insane. I barely slept. I had headaches. I was out of work. I had to shave my head. I gained so much weight from the meds making me incredibly hungry. I couldn’t go to the gym. I felt the ugliest I have ever been in my life. I was happy to be alive & I decided the only thing to do was to get better. I had a lot of time to think & reflect about things in my life. One of the big changes was there was to be no drinking while I was on this medication. I went from having Rehab as my theme-song to Sober by Kelly Clarkson in a drastic change.

As time passed I was able to go back to work. I rocked a hat every single day as I waited for my hair to grow. Thanksgiving was about to come & in the few weeks time my mom had begun to be ok with my news. She even decided to come to visit with my younger sister. All of a sudden she was a different person. I hadn’t spent a Thanksgiving with family in years & I was a little apprehensive about this one. I had always spent it with my friend Larry & a few others. So we decided that he would come over & do his dinner at our place. Meanwhile, Jordan was going to go over to his family’s house upstate for Thanksgiving. All was going to be ok. That is until his parents didn’t like the fact that my mother wasn’t coming up to see them. It invoked this massive fight & strife between us. My mom had never been to NYC & she was really excited about doing all these things that I wasn’t about to squander for her. I couldn’t understand why this had to be such a problem. Larry said, “Do these people not understand you just had your head fucking cut open?!” I was so angry about this & I can’t really say this was the straw that broke the camels back but it was definitely the catalyst in the decision that was to happen later.

Christmas & New Years came with less drama but seeds had been planted. Sometimes you go through with motions just to go through with them. You smile for pictures to show everything is ok. That’s how it feels looking back at pictures for Tom’s birthday at the beginning of January. There was another fight & we both agreed to not ruin his bday. When he left the apt all excited about what a good time he had we sat on the couch & after a semi-short conversation decided to break up.
TO BE CONTINUED…….

The Decade of Decadence Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit Hole

It’s hard to remember how 2003 began actually. I definitely remember the music of the year & certain events. But, if I was to sum it up it would have to be it would be Beats, Drugs, Highlights & Depression. I fully embraced the life of a club boy then. Only going to certain parties where certain dj’s were gonna spin. Meeting tons of new people in the nightlife world. Promoters, djs, go-go’s, dealers, bouncers, straights, gays….. I was fully into it. Don’t get me wrong, I was still a functioning person. Had a job, paid rent on time & had an abundance of places to go to have fun. Speaking of rent, around this time I came to find out that the wonderful wizard of Oz had been overcharging me in rent. If you have stabilized rent on an apartment here in NYC, you do your best to hold on to it. If you have that AND something called section 8 then you pretty much never have to leave your place. I can’t fully remember when I found out but I know I managed to get my rent down to paying $400 for a huge room in a 3 bedroom apt in midtown. That was nothing & if I had that now, well things would be easier that’s for sure. How a grown man couldn’t afford to take care of himself I do not know. We went from semi-hating each other when I first moved in to me almost like a ‘older’ younger brother. I handled bills & made sure they were paid on time, except the rent….. that was his one he had to take care of since it was in his name. We saw roommates come & go, but somehow our relationship stayed in tact. I accepted him for all his crazy ways & decided I didn’t want to live anywhere else. Besides, it was like I was rarely home.

In these days, there were tons of parties to go to. Every day of the night there seemed to be something to go to. Happy Hour at Posh, Pop Rocks, Splash, a few trips to Esquelita, Opaline in the East Village, Limelight (Avalon) on Sunday, any other random club that was also opened during the week. My favorite was Roxy on Saturday nights. I would take ecstasy & dance the night away. I remember Jason coming back from school & being utterly shocked of my new behavior. I was with my crew & we took care of each other so it was ok. It wasn’t like every single person I hung out with did these things. It was definitely balanced. I would leave Roxy early Sunday morning & go straight to work at the gym. Rolling (literally) in with shades & off to my office to sleep under my desk. I’d have the front desk call me in case any one came in. There is no way in the world I could do that now. Looking back it’s kind of funny. Sad, but a little funny. I had also taken on some part time work at the hair salon where I got my hair done. That was the beginning of my love of changing my hair color so much. I had gone dark a few times before but this found me embracing the lighter side. Working with Doris & ‘the Asian Hair Mafia’ was a hilarious experience. That wasn’t really their name but one I gave them with the way they treated each other. I only stayed there a few months while Doris tried to find a replacement. I left to go back to full time at a different NYSC gym. This took me out to Forest Hills, Queens. It was odd to be traveling out of the city for work but the money turned out to be wonderful. Train rides out there gave me an abundance of stories to give to my GGB’s that still today make us laugh. Who could forget the crazy homeless popping up in my face saying, “You Gotta Dolla?” Or my personal favorite of sitting there watching a woman talking next to this Latina girl. I surely thought they knew each other because the woman had been talking for a full 30 minutes when all of a sudden the girl goes, “Would you shut the fuck up? U been talking for 30 minutes & I don’t know who u talkin’ to!” Then the lady goes, “If I wanna talk to me, myself & I Ima talk to me, myself & I!” Classic good times, for sure. Only in NY can you find characters like these.

In August of 2003, I got called into jury duty. I was the first person to be picked for a case that continues to give my friends & I laugh to this day. A man was arrested for one count of selling cocaine & I thought ‘Not guilty!’ & then when they said another count for selling a fake like substance I immediately thought ‘Guilty! Put em away! Screwy Lewey would have never tried to sell fake stuff.’ At one point they asked him where he had been at such & such time & he says nonchalantly, “Uhh uhh approx-itlee approx-itlee I don’t know.” (Writers note: I know how to spell approximately) In the middle of debating his innocence we had the blackout. It was the hottest of days & I remember walking all the way from downtown towards my apt. Initially, everyone thought we were having another 9/11 like scare but luckily this wasn’t the case. It was just an excuse to get semi-naked in the streets & drink up all the alcohol before ice melts. A new friend at the time found me at my apt & we went to his apt uptown where we were joined by the love of my life (at the time) Tim. We hooked up in hot, steamy encounter while our friend fell asleep in the other room. On that night he told me he was ready for us to be a couple. I was elated. That next week Tim introduced me to his soon to be bf. Once again, my heart was crushed. I hated this whole thing called love & wanted so desperately to have my feelings fully reciprocated. I found a wonderful friend in this guy who lived uptown & we started to hang out a lot. His boyfriend was an awesome guy as well but he was rarely in town. This was the beginning of that trouble.

Also around this time, my grandmother began to be constantly sick. As long as I could remember she would cough. I had always hoped she would quit smoking but she didn’t & this was when we found out she had lung cancer. The month of September is NYSC’s big anniversary & it was basically impossible for any of us to get off of work during this month. Sale, sale, sale! Bring in the members & make that money. The family was going crazy & my grandmother’s health was declining at a rapid pace. When I got down to visit her it was such a sad situation. I had never seen my grandfather cry before & my mom & aunt were not speaking. Someone had to stay strong so it had to be me. In the short time I was there it was like she was unrecognizable. My grandmother was always a little bit vain (no wonder where I get it from) & she didn’t like not being able to do things on her own. She would all of a sudden talk to someone from cheerleading squad about so & so not doing a cartwheel right. At one point she snapped to reality & said, “Nicky I worry that this will happen to you.” I said, “Grandma I don’t smoke so I won’t get cancer.” She said, “No, that something bad will happen to you & you’ll be up there all alone with no one to take care of you.” She then went on about how she could tell I had been hurt by someone & just wanted to make sure I would open myself up to another man. Which was incredibly weird. I had come out to her on the phone months & months before but I had never once talked about any one I had dated or even loved. So I sat there a little stunned & just said, “Don’t worry about me Grandma, I’ll be ok. I just want you to be good again.” My time there went by way too quickly & I had to return to NYC. Thanksgiving came & for some reason or other I couldn’t go down. Thinking back it may have been too tough on me. I wish I had gone. Meanwhile she told my mom that I had made a perfect dinner. For the next week & a half after I went to work, did my job, went out & felt the need to escape. A little bump here, a lot of bumps there. Any thing to make me not feel. On December 8th I was at Limelight with everyone & I remember being high in one of the rooms when all of a sudden it was like I had this sobering moment. I felt empty. Something had left me. I told everyone that I had to go & when I went outside I saw my phone show that I had a voicemail. It was my mom telling me that grandma had passed away.

Christmas was not a good time for any one, family drama peaked at an all time high. No one was speaking with each other. This is a theme that seems to occur a lot with my family. I made the decision to not ever go down to NC for Christmas, something I have still remains. Things just haven’t felt the same in so long that it doesn’t seem worth it. On one of the nights I went out & very, very late at night I took too much ecstasy. The rest of my friends had left & after that I must of had a seizure. This experience caused me to come out of the depression. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to do such a thing. My grandmother would have kicked my ass. My friends were with me including my new friend who had the boyfriend. We became closer & closer in a very short amount of time. A hook up ensued. I fell for him a little more than I ever should. Another friend of mine had fallen for the boyfriend & we all found ourselves in this situation that had terrible consequences. It wasn’t the first time dealing with guys who have open relationships but it was a first for me to be friends with both of them. I decided I would never have one of those if I was to ever have another boyfriend. Out of what seemed nowhere there was a suicide attempt by one of the bfs. It more or less changed everything. Certain friends hated me & everyone took sides. The couple split & eventually moved far & away. Talking about this with my friend the other day we realized that these events still somehow affect us to this day. While they escaped NY we are still here to every now & then be reminded of that terrible time. I haven’t spoken to either of them in years & it is probably best. To this day whenever I hear ‘Who Knew’ by Pink I can’t help but think of this person. A part of me will probably always miss him in some degree.

In early September of 2004 I left the gym in Queens bc there was an opening at a gym on West 14th in Union Sq. Still really good money & the chance to not have to travel out of the city. Checking out the boys was another nice perk. I remember checking out a blonde guy doing dips in front of my office. Something had happened with his membership & I ended up having to re-sign him up. Later during the week my friends & I went to Pop Rocks newest home on 13th st. I was on top of a box naturally & seriously ‘giving it to the fans’. When the song was over I stepped down to get a drink & a guy came up to me. ”You probably get this a lot but my friend thinks you’re really hot.” I looked over at his friend & low & behold it was my little crush from the gym. I went over & his friend said, “Look Jordan, look who I brought over!” He looked a little embarrassed & I assured him the feeling was mutual. We danced together for the rest of the night & when the night was over I went home with him. It always seemed funny to me that the first night we hooked up was Tim’s birthday. Things happened really quickly & we began to hang out a lot. It was easy because my work was right next to his apt. I met his friends & he met mine. I found myself doing couple things. Doing a limo ride with Larry & Nico, Rob & Brian & us. Going out to the country to do a Halloween hey ride with his friend Dawne & her man Pablo. It was like a foreign thing to me. Someone wanted to be with me & not feel guilty about it. There was no worry of age difference because he was only 5 & 1/2 months older than me. I couldn’t help but think that Grandma doesn’t have to worry about me being alone.

2005 started off to be such a better year than 04. I decided to start blogging. Re-reading some of those old passages are funny because they’re basically just rants & raves that only my friends would get into. It took me a few months before I started putting things together with a little substance. Around February I dragged my friend Tameika with me to TRL so I could see Mariah Carey. They told us at the beginning of taping there would be a giving away of some kind & we needed to make sure we could get away for the weekend & a Monday. I figured there would be no way I could get out of work so I gave Tameika my ticket. To our amazement Tameika won a trip for 2 to see Usher live in Puerto Rico. Obviously I was now going. We got to meet him & be in the very front row. It had been an awesome week. I was right next to Mariah again (first time since Glitter), flown to PR & met Usher & saw Beyonce. Things were definitely looking up. My relationship was also a bit of a whirlwind. I took Jordan down to meet my friends in Wilmington, NC. They weren’t quite ready for such ummmm loudness. This early part of our relationship was a ride I should say. I was still doing drugs but not as much as I had before. Jordan hated it. There were nights where we would be fighting at whatever bar we were at with our friends. Then all would be ok again. It was a trip to DC that kind of changed things around for me. Tempted to cheat & a dislocated shoulder later made for a crazy end to that trip. I thought that maybe this wasn’t meant to be. I was too ‘clubby’ for him & he was too do as I say for me. I’m very stubborn & so is he so put it together & makes for a rough time. On a drunken angry night at Xl we ended our relationship.

The next day I took Rob as my plus one for this VH1 concert that Mariah was doing. It was all about the Emancipation of Mimi & in ways it was the Emancipation of Nicky. After being at the gym for a while I felt the need to get away. I was still seeing Jordan & we were not speaking. The summer was just around the corner & I decided to do something crazy. Quit NYSC & take the summer off. Looking back it seems silly because it’s not like I wasn’t having fun & good times for years. But at the time it sounded wonderful. I had saved up money & like I said I never had a problem paying rent. As far as I knew Oz was paying the rent on time. So that summer I was fully blonde, tan & ready for a good time. I went to DC for Pride to party with the DC boys, I took my first trip out to Fire Island with Rob & Nathan, I took time to just be extra wild & crazy. Looking back I’m still glad I did it, I should have just come up with a better plan when no proper jobs came through. I started working at a bar/restaurant that basically we sat around & drank all day. I became a sub again for NYSC. I was performing at Don’t Tell Mama a little. I met a guy who was really, sweet, & kind & French. Another quick romance & we went down to Florida for Labor Day. While we were there I found out he was married & had children. He had fallen for me quickly & I had honestly wanted to try a relationship with him but all of that combined made it pretty hard for me to go on with it. One night we found ourselves at an after party & I met a guy named Joe. Straight guy Joe. Same old story. Guy questions his sexuality, goes out & meets blonde, tan gay boy writhing around on a couch. Guy can’t resist. Later, we ended up back at my apt & needless to say he wasn’t so straight. After that I would get calls late in the night asking if he could come over. Sigh sigh sigh, looking back I’m surprised I dealt with it but it definitely gave my friends & I something to talk about at brunch. Speaking of brunch, I found out about a certain ex trying new things. It infuriated me since that was the reason we had fought so much. On one of those late night occasions I found myself hanging out again with him. After a night of seeing Madonna at the Roxy we were at an after party hanging out & shortly after we hooked up again. Deciding not to rush into anything like how the last time was we were taking it cool. Meanwhile I was still getting calls from Joe & one night he came over drunk & angry & upset about not being able to come out. That serving of crazy was too much for me to take & I cut ties with him. I have seen him on rare occasion out & about over the past few years but not much seems to have changed. All I know is that isn’t the way I would want to live my life.

Towards the end of the year I had an awful drunken fight with my friend & I was pushed into a gate. I remember Jordan calling me over & over because he was scared for me. It was then that I knew that this whole taking it slow thing wasn’t gonna last. We went to DC with our friend Tom to see my friends Chuck & the DC crew. Once again in a drugged up haze Jordan came to my rescue. Looking back I don’t understand why I would do so much or even do it at all. I was certainly not the boy who had moved to NYC. The one who said he would never do this, this or this. How had I let something take over so much & so often. I would get ok & then something would happen & I would think sure, why not. If everyone else is doing it then why can’t I? It’s just one little pill. It makes me you feel so lovely. How can it hurt you when it looks so good? It was like I was a little boy that needed to be taken care of. It’s like I tried to give myself good advice but then very rarely followed it. I should have known there would be a price to pay. Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

TO BE CONTINUED