It’s hard to remember how 2003 began actually. I definitely remember the music of the year & certain events. But, if I was to sum it up it would have to be it would be Beats, Drugs, Highlights & Depression. I fully embraced the life of a club boy then. Only going to certain parties where certain dj’s were gonna spin. Meeting tons of new people in the nightlife world. Promoters, djs, go-go’s, dealers, bouncers, straights, gays….. I was fully into it. Don’t get me wrong, I was still a functioning person. Had a job, paid rent on time & had an abundance of places to go to have fun. Speaking of rent, around this time I came to find out that the wonderful wizard of Oz had been overcharging me in rent. If you have stabilized rent on an apartment here in NYC, you do your best to hold on to it. If you have that AND something called section 8 then you pretty much never have to leave your place. I can’t fully remember when I found out but I know I managed to get my rent down to paying $400 for a huge room in a 3 bedroom apt in midtown. That was nothing & if I had that now, well things would be easier that’s for sure. How a grown man couldn’t afford to take care of himself I do not know. We went from semi-hating each other when I first moved in to me almost like a ‘older’ younger brother. I handled bills & made sure they were paid on time, except the rent….. that was his one he had to take care of since it was in his name. We saw roommates come & go, but somehow our relationship stayed in tact. I accepted him for all his crazy ways & decided I didn’t want to live anywhere else. Besides, it was like I was rarely home.
In these days, there were tons of parties to go to. Every day of the night there seemed to be something to go to. Happy Hour at Posh, Pop Rocks, Splash, a few trips to Esquelita, Opaline in the East Village, Limelight (Avalon) on Sunday, any other random club that was also opened during the week. My favorite was Roxy on Saturday nights. I would take ecstasy & dance the night away. I remember Jason coming back from school & being utterly shocked of my new behavior. I was with my crew & we took care of each other so it was ok. It wasn’t like every single person I hung out with did these things. It was definitely balanced. I would leave Roxy early Sunday morning & go straight to work at the gym. Rolling (literally) in with shades & off to my office to sleep under my desk. I’d have the front desk call me in case any one came in. There is no way in the world I could do that now. Looking back it’s kind of funny. Sad, but a little funny. I had also taken on some part time work at the hair salon where I got my hair done. That was the beginning of my love of changing my hair color so much. I had gone dark a few times before but this found me embracing the lighter side. Working with Doris & ‘the Asian Hair Mafia’ was a hilarious experience. That wasn’t really their name but one I gave them with the way they treated each other. I only stayed there a few months while Doris tried to find a replacement. I left to go back to full time at a different NYSC gym. This took me out to Forest Hills, Queens. It was odd to be traveling out of the city for work but the money turned out to be wonderful. Train rides out there gave me an abundance of stories to give to my GGB’s that still today make us laugh. Who could forget the crazy homeless popping up in my face saying, “You Gotta Dolla?” Or my personal favorite of sitting there watching a woman talking next to this Latina girl. I surely thought they knew each other because the woman had been talking for a full 30 minutes when all of a sudden the girl goes, “Would you shut the fuck up? U been talking for 30 minutes & I don’t know who u talkin’ to!” Then the lady goes, “If I wanna talk to me, myself & I Ima talk to me, myself & I!” Classic good times, for sure. Only in NY can you find characters like these.
In August of 2003, I got called into jury duty. I was the first person to be picked for a case that continues to give my friends & I laugh to this day. A man was arrested for one count of selling cocaine & I thought ‘Not guilty!’ & then when they said another count for selling a fake like substance I immediately thought ‘Guilty! Put em away! Screwy Lewey would have never tried to sell fake stuff.’ At one point they asked him where he had been at such & such time & he says nonchalantly, “Uhh uhh approx-itlee approx-itlee I don’t know.” (Writers note: I know how to spell approximately) In the middle of debating his innocence we had the blackout. It was the hottest of days & I remember walking all the way from downtown towards my apt. Initially, everyone thought we were having another 9/11 like scare but luckily this wasn’t the case. It was just an excuse to get semi-naked in the streets & drink up all the alcohol before ice melts. A new friend at the time found me at my apt & we went to his apt uptown where we were joined by the love of my life (at the time) Tim. We hooked up in hot, steamy encounter while our friend fell asleep in the other room. On that night he told me he was ready for us to be a couple. I was elated. That next week Tim introduced me to his soon to be bf. Once again, my heart was crushed. I hated this whole thing called love & wanted so desperately to have my feelings fully reciprocated. I found a wonderful friend in this guy who lived uptown & we started to hang out a lot. His boyfriend was an awesome guy as well but he was rarely in town. This was the beginning of that trouble.
Also around this time, my grandmother began to be constantly sick. As long as I could remember she would cough. I had always hoped she would quit smoking but she didn’t & this was when we found out she had lung cancer. The month of September is NYSC’s big anniversary & it was basically impossible for any of us to get off of work during this month. Sale, sale, sale! Bring in the members & make that money. The family was going crazy & my grandmother’s health was declining at a rapid pace. When I got down to visit her it was such a sad situation. I had never seen my grandfather cry before & my mom & aunt were not speaking. Someone had to stay strong so it had to be me. In the short time I was there it was like she was unrecognizable. My grandmother was always a little bit vain (no wonder where I get it from) & she didn’t like not being able to do things on her own. She would all of a sudden talk to someone from cheerleading squad about so & so not doing a cartwheel right. At one point she snapped to reality & said, “Nicky I worry that this will happen to you.” I said, “Grandma I don’t smoke so I won’t get cancer.” She said, “No, that something bad will happen to you & you’ll be up there all alone with no one to take care of you.” She then went on about how she could tell I had been hurt by someone & just wanted to make sure I would open myself up to another man. Which was incredibly weird. I had come out to her on the phone months & months before but I had never once talked about any one I had dated or even loved. So I sat there a little stunned & just said, “Don’t worry about me Grandma, I’ll be ok. I just want you to be good again.” My time there went by way too quickly & I had to return to NYC. Thanksgiving came & for some reason or other I couldn’t go down. Thinking back it may have been too tough on me. I wish I had gone. Meanwhile she told my mom that I had made a perfect dinner. For the next week & a half after I went to work, did my job, went out & felt the need to escape. A little bump here, a lot of bumps there. Any thing to make me not feel. On December 8th I was at Limelight with everyone & I remember being high in one of the rooms when all of a sudden it was like I had this sobering moment. I felt empty. Something had left me. I told everyone that I had to go & when I went outside I saw my phone show that I had a voicemail. It was my mom telling me that grandma had passed away.
Christmas was not a good time for any one, family drama peaked at an all time high. No one was speaking with each other. This is a theme that seems to occur a lot with my family. I made the decision to not ever go down to NC for Christmas, something I have still remains. Things just haven’t felt the same in so long that it doesn’t seem worth it. On one of the nights I went out & very, very late at night I took too much ecstasy. The rest of my friends had left & after that I must of had a seizure. This experience caused me to come out of the depression. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to do such a thing. My grandmother would have kicked my ass. My friends were with me including my new friend who had the boyfriend. We became closer & closer in a very short amount of time. A hook up ensued. I fell for him a little more than I ever should. Another friend of mine had fallen for the boyfriend & we all found ourselves in this situation that had terrible consequences. It wasn’t the first time dealing with guys who have open relationships but it was a first for me to be friends with both of them. I decided I would never have one of those if I was to ever have another boyfriend. Out of what seemed nowhere there was a suicide attempt by one of the bfs. It more or less changed everything. Certain friends hated me & everyone took sides. The couple split & eventually moved far & away. Talking about this with my friend the other day we realized that these events still somehow affect us to this day. While they escaped NY we are still here to every now & then be reminded of that terrible time. I haven’t spoken to either of them in years & it is probably best. To this day whenever I hear ‘Who Knew’ by Pink I can’t help but think of this person. A part of me will probably always miss him in some degree.
In early September of 2004 I left the gym in Queens bc there was an opening at a gym on West 14th in Union Sq. Still really good money & the chance to not have to travel out of the city. Checking out the boys was another nice perk. I remember checking out a blonde guy doing dips in front of my office. Something had happened with his membership & I ended up having to re-sign him up. Later during the week my friends & I went to Pop Rocks newest home on 13th st. I was on top of a box naturally & seriously ‘giving it to the fans’. When the song was over I stepped down to get a drink & a guy came up to me. ”You probably get this a lot but my friend thinks you’re really hot.” I looked over at his friend & low & behold it was my little crush from the gym. I went over & his friend said, “Look Jordan, look who I brought over!” He looked a little embarrassed & I assured him the feeling was mutual. We danced together for the rest of the night & when the night was over I went home with him. It always seemed funny to me that the first night we hooked up was Tim’s birthday. Things happened really quickly & we began to hang out a lot. It was easy because my work was right next to his apt. I met his friends & he met mine. I found myself doing couple things. Doing a limo ride with Larry & Nico, Rob & Brian & us. Going out to the country to do a Halloween hey ride with his friend Dawne & her man Pablo. It was like a foreign thing to me. Someone wanted to be with me & not feel guilty about it. There was no worry of age difference because he was only 5 & 1/2 months older than me. I couldn’t help but think that Grandma doesn’t have to worry about me being alone.
2005 started off to be such a better year than 04. I decided to start blogging. Re-reading some of those old passages are funny because they’re basically just rants & raves that only my friends would get into. It took me a few months before I started putting things together with a little substance. Around February I dragged my friend Tameika with me to TRL so I could see Mariah Carey. They told us at the beginning of taping there would be a giving away of some kind & we needed to make sure we could get away for the weekend & a Monday. I figured there would be no way I could get out of work so I gave Tameika my ticket. To our amazement Tameika won a trip for 2 to see Usher live in Puerto Rico. Obviously I was now going. We got to meet him & be in the very front row. It had been an awesome week. I was right next to Mariah again (first time since Glitter), flown to PR & met Usher & saw Beyonce. Things were definitely looking up. My relationship was also a bit of a whirlwind. I took Jordan down to meet my friends in Wilmington, NC. They weren’t quite ready for such ummmm loudness. This early part of our relationship was a ride I should say. I was still doing drugs but not as much as I had before. Jordan hated it. There were nights where we would be fighting at whatever bar we were at with our friends. Then all would be ok again. It was a trip to DC that kind of changed things around for me. Tempted to cheat & a dislocated shoulder later made for a crazy end to that trip. I thought that maybe this wasn’t meant to be. I was too ‘clubby’ for him & he was too do as I say for me. I’m very stubborn & so is he so put it together & makes for a rough time. On a drunken angry night at Xl we ended our relationship.
The next day I took Rob as my plus one for this VH1 concert that Mariah was doing. It was all about the Emancipation of Mimi & in ways it was the Emancipation of Nicky. After being at the gym for a while I felt the need to get away. I was still seeing Jordan & we were not speaking. The summer was just around the corner & I decided to do something crazy. Quit NYSC & take the summer off. Looking back it seems silly because it’s not like I wasn’t having fun & good times for years. But at the time it sounded wonderful. I had saved up money & like I said I never had a problem paying rent. As far as I knew Oz was paying the rent on time. So that summer I was fully blonde, tan & ready for a good time. I went to DC for Pride to party with the DC boys, I took my first trip out to Fire Island with Rob & Nathan, I took time to just be extra wild & crazy. Looking back I’m still glad I did it, I should have just come up with a better plan when no proper jobs came through. I started working at a bar/restaurant that basically we sat around & drank all day. I became a sub again for NYSC. I was performing at Don’t Tell Mama a little. I met a guy who was really, sweet, & kind & French. Another quick romance & we went down to Florida for Labor Day. While we were there I found out he was married & had children. He had fallen for me quickly & I had honestly wanted to try a relationship with him but all of that combined made it pretty hard for me to go on with it. One night we found ourselves at an after party & I met a guy named Joe. Straight guy Joe. Same old story. Guy questions his sexuality, goes out & meets blonde, tan gay boy writhing around on a couch. Guy can’t resist. Later, we ended up back at my apt & needless to say he wasn’t so straight. After that I would get calls late in the night asking if he could come over. Sigh sigh sigh, looking back I’m surprised I dealt with it but it definitely gave my friends & I something to talk about at brunch. Speaking of brunch, I found out about a certain ex trying new things. It infuriated me since that was the reason we had fought so much. On one of those late night occasions I found myself hanging out again with him. After a night of seeing Madonna at the Roxy we were at an after party hanging out & shortly after we hooked up again. Deciding not to rush into anything like how the last time was we were taking it cool. Meanwhile I was still getting calls from Joe & one night he came over drunk & angry & upset about not being able to come out. That serving of crazy was too much for me to take & I cut ties with him. I have seen him on rare occasion out & about over the past few years but not much seems to have changed. All I know is that isn’t the way I would want to live my life.
Towards the end of the year I had an awful drunken fight with my friend & I was pushed into a gate. I remember Jordan calling me over & over because he was scared for me. It was then that I knew that this whole taking it slow thing wasn’t gonna last. We went to DC with our friend Tom to see my friends Chuck & the DC crew. Once again in a drugged up haze Jordan came to my rescue. Looking back I don’t understand why I would do so much or even do it at all. I was certainly not the boy who had moved to NYC. The one who said he would never do this, this or this. How had I let something take over so much & so often. I would get ok & then something would happen & I would think sure, why not. If everyone else is doing it then why can’t I? It’s just one little pill. It makes me you feel so lovely. How can it hurt you when it looks so good? It was like I was a little boy that needed to be taken care of. It’s like I tried to give myself good advice but then very rarely followed it. I should have known there would be a price to pay. Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
TO BE CONTINUED
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