Don't Ask, I'll Just Tell

I’ve been incredibly quiet (blog wise) for the past few months. I kept trying to get around to it & was inspired by a lot of things going on in my life but for the moment I’ll put those on the back burner. Today is National Coming Out Day as well as Columbus Day. How perfect is that? In honor of America being discovered I’m gonna share a little bit about discovering myself.

I remember it vividly. I was 5 & in Kindergarten. I was the type of kid that was always friendly & wanted to love & hug on everyone (Clearly not much has changed). I was especially this way around my friends at school. One of my friends was a boy named Seth. He was a cute kid with dark hair & we played together almost every day during recess. One day while on the playground I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. He pushed me away & said, “Eww, don’t you know you can’t do that?” Not understand I said, “No. Why not?” ”Because boys aren’t supposed to do that!” I was confused. I didn’t mean anything bad by it. Only that I wanted to show affection to my friend. It was clearly innocent but in that moment I remember thinking that this must be something bad & I can’t do or people will not like me. As I got older I understood more & more how people can react to you if you’re not like them. I remember being picked on by some boys for being able to do gymnastics & being able to dance. I was definitely not the sporty type & when you’re smaller than your bullies you can feel defenseless. It never got bad to a point of not wanting to go to school or anything severe as suicidal thoughts. I was popular & had friends (many of them girls) but I definitely remember thinking about getting out of town once I was grown.

I had my share of girlfriends. That wasn’t faked for sure. The girls that I dated & hooked up with I definitely had feelings for. But, for years I had also suppressed feelings that I had for boys. I remember just looking at it as idolizing them or wanting to be like them. It wasn’t until I moved to Wilmington that I actually decided to venture off into that world. Still feeling totally secretive about it I didn’t tell my friend Shuley about the new people I met. It was a week before my 21st birthday & I met this guy through my first gay friend in Wilmington. He knew I was questioning my sexuality & so we decided to hang out. We took a drive through the beach & then back to his place to hang out. I remember him playing The Velvet Rope cd by Janet. We had some of the best conversations that I had up until that point. Through much nervousness we ended up fooling around. Considering he had had boyfriends before he was able to deal with my inexperience. I remember feeling a way no girl had made me feel before but also that feeling that I was doing something wrong. The next day I went to work & on the drive there I thought I would have to pull over & throw up. For years & years I had been told it was wrong. My own mother always said ‘If you ever want to put me in an early grave just tell me you’re gay’. Eventually I stopped going to church because I just didn’t feel like it spoke to me. Between hearing races shouldn’t mix (attack #1) to that of homosexuality (attack #2) I just figured this was not for me. So for a while in WIlmington I went through guilt & was afraid to say anything to my straight friends. Luckily I had a good friend that had come out the month before me to rely on & discuss everything we had equally gone through. Much to my friends now surprise we had never hooked up. I don’t have those high school stories of random hook ups with other boys. That’s how deep under the surface I let it remain.

A few months later I moved to NY & started to meet what would become my core group of friends. We each have our stories. Some of us came out in high school, some of us came out much, much later. But the stuff that we have gone through as a whole seems to be universal. Even though I’ve lived here a while I still seem to see hate rear it’s ugly head. A few years ago at Halloween while walking down the street in Chelsea, we heard some kids (that’s right kids) using the F word & other hateful language. I couldn’t get over how innocent that they should be & why they would even know such things? Hate is taught & it’s a terrible thing. I thought if I had children I would make sure not to fill their head with such non-sense. The same kind of non-sense that has caused the recent reporting of so many young lives cut short. Zach Harington, Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Justin Aaberg & what seems countless others have committed suicide. It’s unbelievable to me. This HAS to stop. I know it’s redundant to say ‘It Gets Better’ but honestly it does & it will. To me suicide is not an option. Giving up is not an option. Not having you in the world is not ok because that means we have one less person on our team to fight the fight with. You should be there to see that it’s gonna get better. You’ll look back & remember this & remember it made you a stronger person because you DIDN’T give up. Know that even if you don’t have family there are support groups. I’ve found my friends to become my main family. Friends that can love you for you. So forget about these stupid idiots. The world is a much better place with you in it.

So with that I say Happy National Coming Out Day. The more the merrier. As for the title of the blog you may have thought I would rant a little about that as well. I don’t think there is a need to. I’m pretty sure if you know me well enough you know my thoughts on it. I don’t need to walk around in a meat ensemble. For one last thing I’ll say I don’t want to be Tolerated. I want to be ACCEPTED