A Jason State of Mind

It’s been a rough week. A few days ago I tripped just walking on the street & fell down & bloodied up my knee & my hand. (No I was not inebriated, which makes it even sadder that I was this clumsy) I pulled something in my arm working out yesterday. I got upset with someone who I don’t like to be upset with. Most importantly, one of my best friends passed away.

I got a call last Monday morning from my friend’s cousin telling me he passed away the night before in the hospital. As I stood there in shock outside of St. Pat’s a wave of emotions overflowed & I could not hold back the tears. I tried to hold it together at work but in the end I had to leave. I went home & cleaned & did laundry & did anything to not think. I’ve gone through all the emotions & it seemed like everyday I felt a different way. Today I have finally decided that I need to get the crazy out of me & write.

Eight years ago I met a guy named Jason at Pop Rocks. It was one of my favorite places to go back then. Nothing but pop music played & I spent many a Thursday night there. I was busy doing a breakdown to one of my jams at the time when this guy was trying to get my attention. To no avail he started chatting with my friend Krizia & asked her about me. He would always go on to tell people that I didn’t pay him any mind when he tried to hit on me. But once I did I was smitten. It was hard not to notice him. He was beautiful & all the boys loved him. He had an energy about him & if I had a dollar for every friend I’ve had in the years that had a crush on him I would have a LOT of money. He was my first real boyfriend here in the city. It’s funny to look back at the pics of us. Nights at the Roxy, him wearing glitter, me with my natural hair color. Even when we ended our relationship it was on good terms. He would become one of my best friends that I have had while living here in NY. My friends here in NY have been my family & losing him has been like losing a little piece of my heart that I can not get back.

It’s weird to think I won’t hear his voice again. I found myself scrolling through texts just so I could read them. He was loved by so many people & he made an impact on so many lives. Reading the posts on his facebook page was hard as well as all the pics that were posted. I’ve done my best to think about all the good times & not be angry that I won’t have any more of these. We did a lot of growing up together. When I went through my tumor he was one of the many that supported me & was there when I needed him for anything. But, that’s just the kind of guy he was. He was a wonderful dancer. He was an awesome cook. He was an extremely talented architect. He loved his dog Gem more than anything. He was a generous soul. He was so many things.

For the first few nights I couldn’t sleep well. Dream after dream would occur. One of them was so vivid & it felt so real. We were upstairs at the Roxy. We were with all of our mutual friends. We were young. Dancing & having a good time & no care in the world. The dj was playing Love Affair by Kylie which happened to be our favorite song then. As I looked around seeing all my friends I noticed someone was missing. ”Where’s Jason?” I asked over & over & then it was like all of a sudden I realized & woke up.

Now that I’ve had some time to process everything that dream makes a little more sense to me. It marked a time in my mind that I will always cherish. So that is how I want to think about him. He’s somewhere dancing & forever youthful & nothing can harm him. He’s just waiting for us to get there.

Here in the moment I belong
In a waking dream
The night is young
But isn’t long
If you know what I mean
Oh it’s beautiful
The thought of what might be
Close your eyes so you can see

I am only here for a little while
Would you like to take me out tonight
Maybe we could talk for a little while, baby

Now we’ve only just begun
We’re running out of time
I don’t want to think about the sun
No not tonight
Oh it’s wonderful you being here with me
Close your eyes so you can see

I am only here for a little while
Would you like to take me out tonight
Maybe we could talk for a little while, baby
Don’t hold back it’s time for a love affair
Take my hand lead me to anywhere
Maybe there’s something in the air, baby

Together here, Together now
In the moment that we met
Remember here remember now
It’s too easy to forget