Top 150 Songs of 2010

It’s that time again folks. Nick’s top songs of the year. There is a bit of a change this year. Instead of it being top 100 it’s now 150. Basically it’s me including tons of songs that weren’t released in the US. Another change is I’ve included a few songs that initially charted a few yrs ago but considering the amount of times I played them & couldn’t get them out of my head I had to include them. Case in point Alphabeat. Somehow Ke$ha ended up with the most singles on this list which I don’t know how that happened. She may be a complete hot mess but I guess I can’t get her songs out of my head. For the third year in a row Gaga has the top song. There are a few songs that were on the list for ‘09 & found their way on this one as well because they continued to chart this year & dominate radio or downloads…. or at least stuck in my head. Check it out & if there are any songs you don’t know look em up, you just may like them.

1. Bad Romance/Lady Gaga #1 UK, Canada, US Dance #2 US Pop, Australia

2. Tik Tok/Ke$ha #1 (9 weeks) US, Australia, Canada #4 UK

3. California Gurls/Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg #1 (6 weeks) US, Australia, Canada, UK

4. Once/Diana Vickers #1 UK #3 Ireland

5. Only Girl (In The World)/Rihanna #1 US, UK, Australia, Canada

6. Boyfriend/Alphabeat #15 UK

7. Telephone/Lady Gaga & Beyonce #1 UK, #3 US, Australia, Canada

8. All The Lovers/Kylie Minogue #1 US Dance #3 UK #13 Australia

9. Pick Up The Phone/Dragonette #28 Canada

10. Rude Boy/Rihanna #1 (5 weeks) US, Australia #2 UK, US R&B #7 Canada

11. Whataya Want From Me/Adam Lambert #3 Canada #4 Australia #10 US

12. Raise Your Glass/Pink #1 US, Australia #2 Canada #13 UK

13. Teenage Dream/Katy Perry #1 (2 weeks) US #2 Australia, Canada, UK

14. Need You Now/Lady Antebellum #1 (5 weeks) US Country #2 US Pop, Canada #21 UK #27 Australia

15. Your Love Is My Drug/Ke$ha #3 Australia #4 US #6 Canada #13 UK

16. Break Your Heart/Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris #1 (3 weeks) US, Canada, UK #2 Australia

17. OMG/Usher feat. Will.I.Am #1 (4 weeks) US, Australia, UK #2 Canada

18. Dancing On My Own/Robyn #1 Sweden #3 US Dance #8 UK

19. Alejandro/Lady Gaga #1 US Dance #2 Australia #4 Canada #5 US Pop #7 UK

20. Get Outta My Way/Kylie Minogue #1 US Dance #12 UK #69 Australia

21. Take It Off/Ke$ha #5 Australia #8 US, Canada #15 UK

22. Love The Way You Lie/Eminem feat. Rihanna #1 (7 weeks) US, Australia, Canada #2 UK

23. Dynamite/Taio Cruz #1 Australia, Canada, UK #2 US

24. Like A G6/Far East Movement feat. Dev & The Cataracs #1 (3 weeks) US #2 Australia #3 Canada #5 UK

25. Fuck You/Cee-Lo Green #1 UK #5 Australia #9 US #11 Canada

26. Acapella/Kelis #1 US Dance #5 UK

27. DJ/Alphabeat #6 Denmark

28. Put It In A Love Song/Alicia Keys feat. Beyonce #18 Australia #60 US R&B

29. My Secret Lover/Private #1 Denmark

30. Promise This/Cheryl Cole #1 UK, Ireland

31. Make You Feel My Love/Adele #4 UK #5 Ireland

32. Firework/Katy Perry #1 (3 weeks) US, Canada #3 Australia, UK

33. Hey, Soul Sister/Train #1 US Adult Contemporary, Australia #3 Canada, US Pop

34. Indestructible/Robyn #4 Sweden

35. Un-Thinkable (I’m Ready)/Alicia Keys #1 (12 weeks) US R&B #21 US Pop

36. Just The Way You Are/Bruno Mars #1 US, UK, Australia, Canada

37. Imma Be/Black Eyed Peas #1 US #7 Australia

38. Not Myself Tonight/Christina Aguilera #1 US Dance #11 Canada #12 UK #22 Australia #23 US Pop

39. I Like It/Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull #1 Canada, US Dance #2 Australia #4 US Pop, UK

40. Dance In The Dark/Lady Gaga #24 Australia

41. Latest Heartbreak/22-20’s

42. Hang With Me/Robyn #2 Sweden #10 US Dance

43. Woo Hoo/Christina Aguilera feat. Nicki Minaj #46 Canada #79 US

44. Glitter In The Air/Pink #13 Canada #18 US

45. Candy/Aggro Santos feat. Kimberly Wyatt #5 UK

46. Broken Heels/Alexandra Burke #5 Ireland #8 UK

47. Revolver/Madonna #4 US Dance #47 Canada

48. What’s My Name/Rihanna feat. Drake #1 US #2 UK #5 Canada #18 Australia

49. My Chick Bad/Ludacris feat. Nicki Minaj #2 US Rap & R&B #11 US Pop

50. Dirty Picture/Taio Cruz feat. Ke$ha #6 UK #16 Australia #49 Canada #96 US

51. The Boy Who Murdered Love/Diana Vickers #36 UK

52. Oh Santa!/Mariah Carey #1 US Adult Contemporary #100 US Pop

53. Why Don’t You Love Me/Beyonce #1 US Dance #14 UK R&B

54. Rocket/Goldfrapp #1 US Dance #47 UK

55. Good Times/Roll Deep feat. Jodie Connor #1 UK

56. Haven’t Met You Yet/Michael Buble #1 US Adult Contemporary #4 Canada #5 UK #9 Australia #24 US Pop

57. Momma’s Place/Roisin Murphy #27 UK Indie Singles

58. Not Giving Up On Love/Armin Van Buuren feat. Sophie Ellis-Bextor #1 Poland #3 Russia #27 UK Dance

59. Hole In My Heart/Alphabeat #29 UK

60. My First Kiss/3Oh3! feat. Ke$ha #7 Canada & UK #9 US #13 Australia

61. Stuck Like Glue/Sugarland #2 US Country #17 US Pop

62. Bittersweet/Sophie Ellis-Bextor #14 UK Dance #25 UK Pop

63. DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love/Usher feat. Pitbull #2 Canada #3 Australia #4 US #7 UK

64. Gypsy/Shakira #1 US Latin Pop #65 US Pop

65. Jar Of Hearts/Christina Perri #34 US #36 Canada

66. Beautiful Monster/Ne-Yo #1 UK, US Dance #40 Canada #53 US Pop

67. We R Who We R/Ke$ha #1 US, Australia #2 Canada

68. In My Head/Jason Derulo #1 UK, Australia #2 Canada #5 US

69. Stereo Love/Edward Maya feat. Vika Jigulina #1 France #4 UK #10 Canada #16 US

70. Waka Waka (This Time For Africa)/Shakira #1 Sweden, Poland, Italy #2 US Latin Pop #11 Canada #21 UK #38 US Pop

71. Rock That Body/Black Eyed Peas #8 Australia #9 US #11 UK

72. Can’t Fight This Feeling/Junior Caldera feat. Sophie Ellis-Bextor #1 Russia, Poland

73. 3 Words/Cheryl Cole feat. Will.I.Am #4 UK #5 Australia #7 Ireland

74. Secrets/One Republic #1 Poland #21 US #32 Canada

75. Dog Days Are Over/Florence & The Machine #6 Ireland #9 US Rock #19 Canada #21 US Pop #23 UK

76. Check It Out/Nicki Minaj & Will.I.Am #11 UK #14 Canada US Rap #21 Australia #24 US Pop

77. Whip My Hair/Willow #2 UK #5 US R&B #11 US Pop #18 Australia, Canada

78. Club Can’t Handle Me/Flo-Rida feat. David Guetta #1 UK #3 Australia #4 Canada #9 US

79. Gettin’ Over You/David Guetta &Chris Willis feat. Fergie & LMFAO #1 US Dance, UK #5 Australia #12 Canada #31 US Pop

80. Misery/Maroon 5 #5 US Dance #13 Canada #14 US Pop #30 UK

81. Mine/Taylor Swift #2 US Country #3 US Pop #7 Canada #9 Australia

82. Nothin’ On You/B.o.B. feat. Bruno Mars #1 US, UK #3 Australia #10 Canada

83. I Like/Keri Hilson #1 Germany #15 UK R&B #34 UK Pop

84. Cooler Than Me/Mike Posner #4 Australia #5 Canada, UK #6 US

85. If I Had You/Adam Lambert #4 Australia #8 Canada #30 US

86. Parachute/Cheryl Cole #4 Ireland #5 UK

87. Commander/Kelly Rowland #1 US Dance #2 UK Dance #9 UK Pop

88. Hands/The Ting-Tings #29 UK

89. Your Love/Nicki Minaj #1 US Rap #4 US R&B #14 US Pop #32 Australia

90. It Kills Me/Melanie Fiona #1 US R&B #43 US Pop

91. You Used To Hold Me/Calvin Harris #4 UK Dance #27 UK Pop

92. Loca/Shakira feat. Dizzee Rascal #1 US Latin Pop/Dance, Poland, Spain #32 US Pop #36 Canada

93. Baby/Justin Bieber feat. Ludacris #3 Australia, Canada, UK #5 US

94. Just A Dream/Nelly #3 Australia, US #5 Canada #8 UK

95. Monster/Lady Gaga #6 Hungary #22 US Latin Pop #29 US Dance

96. Empire State Of Mind pt. 2 (Broken Down)/Alicia Keys #4 UK #8 Ireland #55 US

97. Back To December/Taylor Swift #6 US Pop #7 Canada #13 US Country

98. Impossible/Shontelle #9 UK #13 US

99. King Of Anything/Sara Bareilles #11 US Adult Contemporary #32 US Pop

100. Better Than Today/Kylie Minogue #32 UK

101. Can’t Be Tamed/Miley Cyrus #6 Canada #8 US #13 UK #14 Australia

102. Alive/Goldfrapp #1 US Dance

103. Carry Out/Timbaland feat. Justin Timberlake #6 UK #7 Canada #11 US

104. I Am/Mary J. Blige #3 US Dance #4 US R&B #34 UK #55 US Pop

105. The Time (Dirty Bit)/Black Eyed Peas #1 Australia, Canada, UK #4 US

106. The Only Exception/Paramore #1 UK Rock #17 Australia#24 US #25 Canada

107. Happiness/Alexis Jordan #1 US Dance #3 UK #25 Australia

108. Release Me/Zoe Badwi #1 Australia Dance

109. Bottoms Up/Trey Songz feat. Nicki Minaj #2 US R&B #6 US Pop

110. Teenage Dream/Glee Cast #8 US Pop #10 Canada

111. Blah Blah Blah/Ke$ha feat. 3Oh!3 #3 Australia, Canada #7 US #11 UK

112. Peacock/Katy Perry #1 US Dance

113. Give A Little More/Maroon 5 #86 US

114. The Sound Of Missing You/Ameerah #3 US Dance

115. Make Me Wanna Die/The Pretty Wreckless #1 UK Rock #16 UK Pop

116. Live Like We’re Dying/Kris Allen #8 US AC #18 US Pop #41 Canada

117. Louboutins/Jennifer Lopez #1 US Dance

118. 4th of July/Kelis #4 US Dance #32 UK

119. Today Was A Fairytale/Taylor Swift #1 Canada #2 US Pop #3 Australia

120. Clap Your Hands/Sia

121. Fire In Your New Shoes/Kaskade feat. Dragonette #69 Canada

122. Night Is Young/Nelly Furtado #20 Canada

123. For The First Time/The Script #4 UK #12 Australia

124. Heartbox/Christophe Willem

125. Video Phone/Beyonce & Lady Gaga #9 US Dance #37 US R&B #58 UK

126. Forever & A Day/Kelly Rowland #49 UK

127. Pack Up/Eliza Doolittle #5 UK #6 Ireland

128. All Night Long/Alexandra Burke feat. Pitbull #1 Ireland #4 UK

129. Ridin’ Solo/Jason Derulo #2 UK #4 Australia #9 US

130. Shark In The Water/V.V. Brown #20 US AC #34 UK #67 US Pop

131. Any Which Way/Scissor Sister’s #81 UK

132. Just Be Good To Green/Professor Green feat. Lily Allen #5 UK #17 Ireland

133. Poison/Nicole Scherzinger #3 UK

134. Loving You Is Easy/Sarah McLachlan #14 US AC #59 Canada

135. Believer/Goldfrapp #31 US Dance

136. Te Amo/Rihanna #3 Poland #5 UK R&B #14 UK Pop #22 Australia

137. Miami 2 Ibiza/Swedish House Mafia Vs. Tinie Tempah #1 UK Dance/US Dance #4 UK Pop

138. Memories/David Guetta feat. Kid Cudi #3 Australia #7 US Dance #15 UK #46 US Pop

139. You Lost Me/Christina Aguilera #1 US Dance #28 US AC

140. Booty Bounce/Dev

141. You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me/Cher #8 US Dance

142. Please Don’t Let Me Go/Olly Murs #1 UK #5 Ireland

143. Starry Eyed/Ellie Goulding 34 UK

144. Who Wants To Be Alone/Tiesto feat. Nelly Furtado #10 UK Dance

145. Fire With Fire/Scissor Sister’s #1 US Dance #11 UK

146. Crossfire/Brandon Flowers #7 US Dance #8 UK #11 US Rock

147. Mama’s Song/Carrie Underwood #4 US Country #56 US Pop

148. Missing You/The Saturday’s #3 UK

149. Miss Nothing/The Pretty Wreckless #39 UK

150. Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor)/Pitbull feat. T-Pain #10 Australia #27 US

The Attack

It started out like any other night. It was the Saturday night before Thanksgiving. My friends Greg & Sean came over for some drinks before we were to go out dancing. It’s kind of the ritual for us to pre drink at someone’s apt & normally it’s mine. After a couple of hrs we headed over to Bartini to meet the rest of the crew. Like usual there was drunken dancing & working the dancefloor with my girl Nicole. By the end of the night I was tired & as usual talks of going to the diner came about. Nicole, Scott & Danny (the dj at Bartini) were going to go to a nearby diner & I said, “I don’t wanna be a fat ass at 4 in the morning by eating. I just want to go home.” There has been plenty of nights where the booze has gotten the best of me & I wasn’t sure how I got home. This wasn’t one of those nights. Just a little buzzed & I just wanted to go to bed. So I left them & started to make my way home. I’ve made the walk a million times before considering this has been my ‘hood’ for most of the years I’ve been in NYC. I’d only walked a few blocks from Bartini & had turned on 48th & started to walk east when I heard my phone ring. So I pulled it out of my coat & saw that it was Nicole calling. I figured that it was them just trying to convince me to turn back around & meet them. I hit ignore & went to put my phone back in pocket when I felt someone grab me from behind.

For a moment I thought it was Scott or one of them being overly aggressive. I know how we can get after drinking. But the moment quickly fleeted when I felt a fist punch my right jaw. Another hit to the side happened & I managed to get away from the attackers grasp. In the quick moment that I saw him I could see he was a white guy with brownish short hair & looked in his 20’s. He went to swing again & I ducked & then I began to fight back. I got in some punches but very quickly & from behind someone sucker punched me in the head. A few more punches & then I kneeled over. At some point I must have dropped my phone & I’m assuming the 2nd guy grabbed it. They ran off & I was left in a kind of s shock. The whole attack lasted probably less than a minute & maybe even 30 seconds. For a moment I remember thinking ‘Did this really just happen?’ & then as I was looking down on the ground for my phone I saw blood dropping all over my shoes & jeans. I reached up to my nose & looked at my hands covered in blood. I reached back at the back of my head & felt wet as well & all I could think of was this was where I had a tumor.

In my semi state of shock I walked back to 10th Avenue to get a cab. One immediately stopped & he drove me to the hospital. They immediately took care of me. I’m assuming I looked a little rough with blood covered jeans & face & I’m pretty sure I was freaking out. X-Rays were done & the police were called. By the time they came I had made a couple calls to the only numbers that I could recall in that moment. In tears I left a message to Larry & Jordan telling them what had happened. I remember wondering just how did this happen & I was also worried that something would be broken. I also thought about how this was going to screw up my Thanksgiving & I was already in a slight depression because the next day would be the anniversary of Jason passing away. Needless to say it sucked. I found out that neither my jaw or my nose was broken & it wasn’t fractured. The police haven’t really been any help either. All I have is a case number. As a few days passed the bruises started to appear. The largest of them is the one on my bicep which is still there but fading. My jaw was swollen & I looked like a chipmunk & there was a black & blue mark under my eye. The worst thing physically has been my mouth. It’s now been 3 weeks & it still hasn’t healed. I’ve not been able to eat many things except soup & mashed potatoes & a few other things that don’t involve much chewing. With each day I hope I’ll wake up & it will feel better. So far no. The dentist says my mouth is in ‘trauma’ & I’m like no shit! I’m fucking hungry.

For days I avoided talking about it to even some of my closest of friends & only now seem to find the time & energy to write this blog. Talking about it isn’t the easiest because the main thing it’s left me with emotionally is anger. For a couple days I was afraid to leave the house which then lead to anger because I thought how dare any one make me feel this way. I’ve been here 10 yrs & I’ll be damned if any one has that power over me. So what I’m left with is anger. I want these 2 assholes to get what’s coming to them. I wouldn’t feel bad if they were dead actually. It’s hard to know that I have these kind of feelings about people I don’t even know, one in which I didn’t even see. I just want them to feel the pain that I’ve now been feeling for 3 weeks. As I sat at the hospital having to give my account to the officers one told me, “We don’t normally say this to victims but it’s probably a good thing you fought back.” I was a little confused & in my state at that moment all I could think of was they left me much worse off then I left the one asshole. Later I found out that that night there were a string of incidents that occurred & one guy was strangled.

Going through this was not easy but I do realize it could have been so much worse. As always I try to think positively. During the whole incident nothing was ever said by the 2 people. We’re assuming it was all over an I-phone. Tis the season for bad things to happen & in this economy I guess people are desperate enough to do anything. I’m just waiting to feel better than ok & I’m looking forward to being able to eat anything I want. I’m so sick of soup honestly. But I’m glad I was able to walk away. My friend EJ said, “I’m calling you the Unsinkable Mr. Padron.” Because I may be knocked down for a little bit but you can best believe I’m just come back harder.

Tricking With Treats

It’s a little after 4 & I’m here at work desperately thinking I should have taken off. I know everyone say Mondays suck & blah blah blah but lemme tell ya this one has been rough. All day long I’ve been not quite understand what people have been saying to me. As in they’ll be talking to me & I’m looking in a blank stare. I’ve accidentally kicked over trash cans & then knocked over my ravioli onto the floor. Then I happened to come across a sheet from last yrs Health Fair & saw my body fat has went up from 10.1 to 12.3%. Not acceptable. Boo hoo right? It still didn’t stop me from running around like I was Ice-T’s gf Coco showing all my junk to the world this weekend. Halloween weekend did me in folks. It totally tricked my treats & I had a blast. My roommates & I had a party on Friday night & just like Nickakah we had a house full of liquored up people. I took my bed out of my room & made it the club room once again. We had beer pong in the living room & the other rooms were VIP only. Ok VIP as in doing shots with roomies in case we ran out of liquor in the kitchen. Geoff & Becky dressed up as Roger & Joan from Mad Men, LD & her bf were chained together as a criminals dressed all in black & as for me. Well I called myself Disgo-go. I had my disco stick, one sequined glove & silver sequined suspenders. Any excuse to hardly wear clothes I’ll go with. Tons of the straight kids dressed up while a lot of my gays didn’t. One of my favorites was when I saw a Lady Gaga from the Telephone video. Much to my delight Ellen whipped out the Spoon Ellen coming as Snooki. We had Justin Beeber, nerds, farmboys, Sassy Gay Friend, quite a few cool things. The party raged on until 5 or so. I had not had any dinner bc I was so busy cleaning for it & how I wasn’t hungover the next day I have no idea.

I woke up early to try to get stuff done & then head to my last dance rehearsal for this Saturday’s show. By the end it though I was so hungry I was ready to pass out. So I booked it home & ate a little & then tried to prep for Saturday night’s party at Dana’s. Hmmmm Saturday night. Well so I hear it was a blast. There was tons of dress up galore that night. I had tried to go as a vampire but even with Paul’s help I couldn’t get my fangs to stay on. Then when I went to use the fake blood that I had just bought at Ricky’s I discovered it was all dried up! So basically $15 wasted. But the ho must go on. I put on the cape, had my black pants, gloves & called myself ‘Vamp in training’. So drinks & drinks & more drinks later I made my way to Xes then ventured off to Barage to take over the role of Sassy Gay Friend from Paul. Realizing that I was too done I went to the diner to get food & then as soon as I got home I went to sleep not eating any of it. Oh Halloween how you were a mess to me.

But all in all I had a blast & by yesterday all I could do was chill at home & try to clean from the party. I watched tons of stuff on the DVR & then watched scary movies. Then at around 10pm it was like I had a delayed hangover reaction & I got the worst headache. I couldn’t sleep it was so bad & so I took 4 advil just to try to knock it out. Later that night I had a dream that I had done a porn film & then everyone found out about it at work & I was fired. When I woke up I was so confused I actually thought the dream was real. Aye dios mio!!! I mean I know I like to run around in hardly any clothes but you have to draw the line somewhere.

And that was my weekend. I hope everyone had a good one. This upcoming weekend finds me finally dancing in the showcase that I feel we have been rehearsing for a year. In case you’re wondering….. we’re performing at the Harlem Stage at Aaron Davis Hall. Our number is called ‘Vanity’ & we’re all dressed up pretty hot or in some of our cases hardly anything at all. We go on at 8 & tickets are $20. If you can make it that would be awesome. I’ll provide the link below…..

http://purchase.tickets.com/buy/TicketPurchase?organ_val=26765&pid=6879921

Don't Ask, I'll Just Tell

I’ve been incredibly quiet (blog wise) for the past few months. I kept trying to get around to it & was inspired by a lot of things going on in my life but for the moment I’ll put those on the back burner. Today is National Coming Out Day as well as Columbus Day. How perfect is that? In honor of America being discovered I’m gonna share a little bit about discovering myself.

I remember it vividly. I was 5 & in Kindergarten. I was the type of kid that was always friendly & wanted to love & hug on everyone (Clearly not much has changed). I was especially this way around my friends at school. One of my friends was a boy named Seth. He was a cute kid with dark hair & we played together almost every day during recess. One day while on the playground I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. He pushed me away & said, “Eww, don’t you know you can’t do that?” Not understand I said, “No. Why not?” ”Because boys aren’t supposed to do that!” I was confused. I didn’t mean anything bad by it. Only that I wanted to show affection to my friend. It was clearly innocent but in that moment I remember thinking that this must be something bad & I can’t do or people will not like me. As I got older I understood more & more how people can react to you if you’re not like them. I remember being picked on by some boys for being able to do gymnastics & being able to dance. I was definitely not the sporty type & when you’re smaller than your bullies you can feel defenseless. It never got bad to a point of not wanting to go to school or anything severe as suicidal thoughts. I was popular & had friends (many of them girls) but I definitely remember thinking about getting out of town once I was grown.

I had my share of girlfriends. That wasn’t faked for sure. The girls that I dated & hooked up with I definitely had feelings for. But, for years I had also suppressed feelings that I had for boys. I remember just looking at it as idolizing them or wanting to be like them. It wasn’t until I moved to Wilmington that I actually decided to venture off into that world. Still feeling totally secretive about it I didn’t tell my friend Shuley about the new people I met. It was a week before my 21st birthday & I met this guy through my first gay friend in Wilmington. He knew I was questioning my sexuality & so we decided to hang out. We took a drive through the beach & then back to his place to hang out. I remember him playing The Velvet Rope cd by Janet. We had some of the best conversations that I had up until that point. Through much nervousness we ended up fooling around. Considering he had had boyfriends before he was able to deal with my inexperience. I remember feeling a way no girl had made me feel before but also that feeling that I was doing something wrong. The next day I went to work & on the drive there I thought I would have to pull over & throw up. For years & years I had been told it was wrong. My own mother always said ‘If you ever want to put me in an early grave just tell me you’re gay’. Eventually I stopped going to church because I just didn’t feel like it spoke to me. Between hearing races shouldn’t mix (attack #1) to that of homosexuality (attack #2) I just figured this was not for me. So for a while in WIlmington I went through guilt & was afraid to say anything to my straight friends. Luckily I had a good friend that had come out the month before me to rely on & discuss everything we had equally gone through. Much to my friends now surprise we had never hooked up. I don’t have those high school stories of random hook ups with other boys. That’s how deep under the surface I let it remain.

A few months later I moved to NY & started to meet what would become my core group of friends. We each have our stories. Some of us came out in high school, some of us came out much, much later. But the stuff that we have gone through as a whole seems to be universal. Even though I’ve lived here a while I still seem to see hate rear it’s ugly head. A few years ago at Halloween while walking down the street in Chelsea, we heard some kids (that’s right kids) using the F word & other hateful language. I couldn’t get over how innocent that they should be & why they would even know such things? Hate is taught & it’s a terrible thing. I thought if I had children I would make sure not to fill their head with such non-sense. The same kind of non-sense that has caused the recent reporting of so many young lives cut short. Zach Harington, Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Justin Aaberg & what seems countless others have committed suicide. It’s unbelievable to me. This HAS to stop. I know it’s redundant to say ‘It Gets Better’ but honestly it does & it will. To me suicide is not an option. Giving up is not an option. Not having you in the world is not ok because that means we have one less person on our team to fight the fight with. You should be there to see that it’s gonna get better. You’ll look back & remember this & remember it made you a stronger person because you DIDN’T give up. Know that even if you don’t have family there are support groups. I’ve found my friends to become my main family. Friends that can love you for you. So forget about these stupid idiots. The world is a much better place with you in it.

So with that I say Happy National Coming Out Day. The more the merrier. As for the title of the blog you may have thought I would rant a little about that as well. I don’t think there is a need to. I’m pretty sure if you know me well enough you know my thoughts on it. I don’t need to walk around in a meat ensemble. For one last thing I’ll say I don’t want to be Tolerated. I want to be ACCEPTED

Doin It, Doin It, Doin It Well

Another year, another birthday. Excuse me… Nickakah. I swear they come around way too quickly. When I was a kid it seemed like getting older was so far away. Nowadays I walk around the corner & a new age is staring me in the face. It’s a little frightening but as always when it comes around I put my best dancing foot forward & decide to celebrate. And celebrate I definitely do.

This year I started the celebration off by going to the Beacon Theater with Tasia to see one of my favorite groups, Maroon 5. It was a concert that aired on Fuse tv. Originally we were sat way up in the balcony. As anyone knows I normally like to be near the front so this just wouldn’t do. After talking to a few people people & convincing them that we were in the fanclub I got us down to the very front. It should be said…. I’m not in a fanclub but they are one of my most favorite groups so I felt justified. They performed all my favorite songs & Adam even did a few covers like ‘If I Ain’t Got You’ & ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’. For the next few days I couldn’t stop playing them off of my I-pod & I’m highly looking forward to their new album next month.

I had off that Friday so I went out the night before dancing up a storm. I hung out a lot in the dj booth with Vito & we discussed remixes & divas & boys. Fun times as always & sleeping in that morning was even better. But I couldn’t sleep in too late bc I had a party to plan. Being that I’m in a new bigger apt with roommates that are incredibly cool we decided to have a massive party for all my peeps that would be here in the city. The party went incredibly well. I moved my bed out of my room & my room became the official dance room (an idea I had taken from Scott). We had our living room filled with people who wanted to chat, a hallway with a beer pong table & of course the kitchen was filled with booze. I hadn’t been able to have a house party since ‘07 & this one outdid that one just for space reasons. At it’s peak we had 60 people in the apartment. Initially, I was a little worried about being able to get all my different kinds of folks together but in the end the straights, gays & lesbians got a long wonderfully. I had planned on ending it around 2 & then heading out somewhere but at that point there were still tons of people coming in & out. I deejayed & people danced their ass off & I loved it. My bamboo plant didn’t survive but it’s already been replaced. I had so much fun & the main thing that I wanted was for people to have fun & I’m pretty sure that was accomplished. By 7 am it was down to Scott, me, my roommate & her boyfriend. We finally had to stop dancing & go to sleep.

My next stop on the Nickakah tour was to make my way to Fire Island for all my boys out there. Well, since my party went much later than I expected I didn’t get out there until much later. Feeling so tired we opened up some champaign & the drinking began again. My liver must scream for help during Nickakah, especially when it’s in Fire Island. I don’t know what it is about that place but you gotta bring your A game & be prepared. Through Jordan, Chase & I worked as security for the Pines Party. Which basically meant this time we were at the front when people came in & they would have to show their wrist bands. All the while we were still getting our drink on. After doing this for a few hours we were relieved from our duties & off to dance & drink some more. Off the security shirts came & just in some shorts on the beach it was an awesome time. The music was good & I got to see so many of my friends. At one point I drunkenly stole someone’s disco stick. Yes a disco stick. It may be my favorite new thing. It lights up & kind of reminds me of Evil Lyn from Masters of the Universe & her crystal ball. As a child she was my favorite. So all drunk I had to have it. God help me if I see the guy I took it from out & about. He may clobber me over the head & demand for his disco stick back. Let’s hope not though because I love it.

Once again it was another night where I was up until 7 in the morning. Then by the time I got back to the house there was only a few hours of sleep & we were off to the beach for some sun & more drinks on the beach. By the afternoon baby needed a shower & a apparently a long nap. When it was time to wake up for Tea & more dancing I felt like a zombie going through the motions. Then I don’t know what it was….. ok I do… another vodka drink & I woke up. Dancing on boxes with the boys, seeing couples I had probably made out with, having a great time with my boys Rob, Brad, Phillip, Brian & Frank…. it was another fun night. The party continued at the house for dinner & then some impromptu dances of me & this girl doing the ‘If’ choreography & all the boys singing some Mariah & Moulin Rouge. Yes people it was THAT gay. But I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way & I can’t thank them enough for such a wonderful time.

By the next day we were headed back to the city & when I got home all my body was crying for was sleep! Hmmm this older thing is a little rough. At 23 I would have just kept the party continuing. 11 hours of sleep later I was up & about the house trying to clean my room. I was so glad I had taken vacation days from work because I was in major need of some time away. For the last night of Nickakah I realized that I had not even done a bday cake. So I went to the store & got a chocolate one with chocolate mousse & my roommates & I had a nice little toast. Then I met up with Vadim & a couple other people & we hit up a few bars in HK. Nickakah 2010 came in like a lion & finished the same way. Ok so there needed to be a lot more naps in between but this lion needed it.

Thanks again to everyone who made it a wonderful time. I’m always so thankful to have such good friends in my life. 10 years of Nickakah here in the city & I’m still doin it, doin it, doin it well.

When I Grow Up

So I’ve been a little silent blogwise for a few months. I went through some highlights & some low points during my first 10 years of living here in NYC. Well I should probably play a little catch up for those of you that don’t know how this year has been. 2010 has had some major improvements that’s for sure. Earlier in the year I found out that my rent was going up for the place I was staying at on West 56th st. At the same time my friends Jude & Brad were moving out of their apartment. Brad was getting a place on his own & Jude was gonna need a roommate. It made perfect sense for us to move in together, only the powers that be thought not. I learned my credit was a little crappy due to the amount of hospital bills I had incurred after the tumor. It was like, “Gee thanks, you’ve survived the tumor but now your credit score will take a major hit.” So all the places we were looking were asking for like 4-5 months rent up front which was ridiculous. The whole reason for me wanting to move was to not pay insane amounts of rent. Mind you, yes I could have moved to Brooklyn or Queens or somewhere else but after you get used to living in the center of everything you get a little picky. So sadly after trying a few months & dealing with a shady broker AND Jude even living with me in my tiny apartment for a week, we gave up. He found an apt uptown & I ended up finding a wonderful apartment with some cool peeps. It’s the biggest apartment I think I have ever been in. It’s a 4 bedroom apartment & I have 3 other roommates, the most I have ever had in my life. At one point while we were transitioning roommates there was 5 of us for a couple weeks. But, all in all these people are wonderful. I really lucked up & I’m glad to have found it. It’s even closer to my work & I’m still in my HK area and paying less than what I was paying. Once again, everything works out for a reason.

Work wise it’s been frustration after frustration. Ok, more like roller coaster of happy things versus stagnant things. I received all these extra duties & working with a different department which I was very happy about. Only NO raise. Then I think about others who are less fortunate & I’m happy to have a job. With these new responsibilities I’ve been taking a lot less breaks & working a lot of overtime so that helps I suppose but I still find myself frustrated. During this frustration I decided to start doing the stuff I really love anyway. I got a part on Law & Order SVU playing a college aged delinquent. When I was cast I thought, “Are you kidding me right now? I haven’t been to college since the 90’s!” My ego then started to inflate. Then the day of the shoot I was working with 3 other guys & one of them was telling me how he was too young to get into a club. My ego was quickly deflated. It was a one day stint & I never even saw the episode because this was during the crazy apartment search period where I barely had time for anything. I still feel bad because my crew in North Carolina was on Nick watch for this & as far as I know no one saw it. Now had I actually watched the show & been a fan maybe I would have been a little more aggressive about watching it. Meanwhile, I was just happy for the check & to have something restart the acting resume.

Shortly after I also got some work playing a Shirtless Dj/Bartender on a show that’s premiering sometime soon on Comedy Central. I’m not exactly sure when yet but believe me I’ll be letting everyone know when to watch it. It’s a show produced by Will Ferrell & stars Horatio Sanz & Chris Parnell. I’ve been a big fan of those guys since their days on SNL. Spending the day half clothed was quite funny & when I told my friends about it they said, “Wow, what a stretch for you!” I also got to spend the day working with my friend Kevin which was cool. Since then the clothes thing seems to really be coming into play. I was up for a part of a stripper on a show for Showtime starring Laura Linney but alas was not cast. It’s funny because I think about when I was much younger & I would tell my mom about how I was doing a play & the first thing she would say is, “Do you keep your clothes on?” I can only imagine her thoughts now….. if we actually spoke.

At the beginning of summer I started auditioning for plays again as well. At my first one the director had me dance & then read a very short scene from the play. Then he wanted me to take my shirt off. After a look or so he said, ‘Thanks!” & I was out the door. Feeling like I must have sucked or that I was not with the best body, I just figured that was it. A few days later I got a call that I was cast as this ’straight jock type’ of character. Please picture my face. For all of you who knew me from high school this was the furtherest thing from me at all. Ummm, even now. I don’t watch sports. I get bored & would rather be doing something else. So I started rehearsals for this play & after a few days decided I needed to quit. The direction was all over the place & after reading the whole play I thought ‘This sucks!’ This was not how I wanted my first play in years to be & I surely couldn’t invite people I know to come & see me in it. So another play & another audition & what did he have me read for? A straight jock type who is married to a woman but kind of questioning his sexuality. Hmmmm ok then. By the end of the audition I felt like I was giving a variation of the Situation from the Jersey Shore. Fist pumping aside, that was that & I’m left thinking I may need to get my friends who love sports to give me a sports 101. I mean if this is the kind of stuff I’m gonna have to read for then I may need to get a little better at it. So any one with tips send them my way (hint hint Ej & Chase). No worries though on the slutty bartender/dancer/stripper/dj stuff I’m a natural.

In a nutshell that’s how life has been going. Still managing to go out on the weekends & get a little crazy with my boys & somehow my recent fan base of boys have been in the early 20’s set. But ahhhh, those are all stories for a different blog. As most of you know this week starts the week of Nickakah 2010. I’m sure it’s gonna get crazy & I can’t wait to give you all the juicy details.

The Decade of Decadence Chapter 4: Happiness/Sorrow

What I remember most about the first few months of 2008 was me pounding pavements. Being that things didn’t end horribly with Jordan & I, there wasn’t a complete rush for me to find a place. I think I checked out places all over Manhattan. The East Village, Hell’s Kitchen, West Village, Chelsea, Gramercy, Midtown…. I even hiked my ass up to Inwood. At one point I lost my phone on the train. The amount of pills I was having to take was still a lot. I had been hoping that they could have tapered off. In fact I was hoping that I would just be Super Man & all the headaches & everything that went with it would stop. I was back at the gym & shedding the pounds that I had put on due to one of the meds. I felt like I was constantly looking forward to something being checked off the list. Get better, find the right apt, get moved, get situated, get happy. I’m such an inpatient person & I swear it must be one of those things that God is trying to teach me. Then, right before the end of March I came across an apt in HK on 56th. It was a converted 2 bedroom which meant there was no living room. One guy was moving out (hot guy named Pablo) while the other (Italian straight & reserved Andrea) was staying. The rent was right in my budget & I could move in asap. Next thing you know I had an army of gays helping me pack & move my stuff from Jordan’s place. I was so incredibly happy to have found something I liked & for the guy to not seem crazy. I had already done that as we all remember. As I gave the keys I had to Jordan there was a long moment of sadness. As I walked away I realized that so many dynamics would change. It was time for something officially new.

For months I had not been able to drink & being Sober Sister Sally was not easy. I saw things through Ej’s eyes for once. A week or so after I had moved I had another MRI. This one I was really nervous for. The one before it hadn’t shown much progress but the tumor had been removed. All my fear went away when the Dr showed me the results. Things looked much better than the previous one from 3 months before. I would just have to continue MRI’s every year to make sure all was well. Also, I was going to come off my seizure medication. All was going to be right in Nick Padron’s world. I remember my friends & I had a little countdown to when I could drink again. We went to Arriba Arriba for my first drink… a massive margarita. After a few sips I was definitely tipsy. It’s funny how much one’s tolerance can go down after not drinking for 6 months.

Those first few months found me getting to see my favorite artists. I got to meet Janet Jackson at a cd signing for ‘Discipline’. The moment had happened much like the one I had with Kylie in 2002. Stand in line, have cd, meet the star, say a few things, get your cd signed & then get the fuck out. I was ecstatic when Janet told me I was so cute. I’ll never forget that. At the end of April was the big one. Madonna was gonna do a mini concert at Roseland which was just a few blocks from my new apartment. It was quite the experience. I got in line after work with Vadim, Scott & John & prepared to stay there for the next 13 hrs. Over that time frame we met tons of other fun people & more of our friends came so we could get the bracelet that would allow us in to see our pop Icon. At points we would hear her rehearsing. Towards the end of the night the whole crowd got the pleasure of her driving by in her limo with the window down saying hello. When she got by us she said I’ll see you tomorrow night, looking right at John & I. I shit you not. John can attest to it. For what seemed days later we waited until the morning & got our bracelet. Some of us went to work, some of us took a few hrs to sleep. But we all knew we had to be back at a certain time to get another place in line. By the time that happened I had managed to get a better spot than before & by the time they let us in I managed to get close to the stage. When she came out I was pushed even further to the front. The experience was amazing. Joyous, screaming at the top of my lungs, sweaty. You would think I was talking about sex. This was 10 times better. A week later I got up early in the morning to go see Mariah at the Today show. She didn’t disappoint either. A little bit of diva antics, good vocals, & looking like she was on Fiyah! I’ve always loved how she always has help down the stairs. Diva overloaded, I was ready for summer so I could be with my boys…. meet some boys & get a little rowdy.

There were trips to Fire Island & me finally & fully able to enjoy myself. Pride came & we all came out in full force. Even though it rained we didn’t let it get us down. I missed the big storm because I was up in Jason’s office hanging. The whole day was pretty fun until the end. It was the straw that broke the camels’ back with Vadim & Jason. They had been on a tightrope for sometime but I think this when the friendship ended. An uncomfortable scenario all around I had to leave when I got a call from Jordan. His bubby had passed away & he wasn’t dealing with it well. I went to go be with him. I remembered what it felt like when mine passed & I was alone. Even though we weren’t together it felt ok to still lean on each other.

By the time Nickakah rolled around I had a plan for every single day. I was going to attack 30 with every fiber of hotness I had in me. A trip to 6 Flags, a trip to Fire Island for the Pines Party, dancing at all of my favorite clubs with my boys & girls, a performance at Therapy complete with a glass being thrown at a tranny next to me. We even ended it with a brunch with too many cocktails (of course) It was probably one of the best birthdays I have ever had. During that time I found my love for a new singer named Lady Gaga. She had performed at some of everywhere. I liked her talent & thought this girl is definitely my favorite new artist. That girl is going places! She completed the list of female singers I had met that year when I saw her at Hammerstein Ballroom. Her performance was crazy & complete with her crowd diving. I had an amazing time.

Halloween was spent as a blonde wrestler. We were all over the streets in full force & the night ended up at a Madonnathon. The election was soon after & history was made. As excited as I was for who won I was slapped in the face the next day when Proposition 8 was passed as well. There were also a bunch of lay offs at my job. Luckily, I was fine considering I’m the only person who does my job. But for everyone else times were not so pretty. I had about 15 friends that were laid off. Shuley, Tommy, Jason…. so many found themselves jobless & not sure what to do. By Christmas I had once again decided to stay in NYC & for this one it was a small & intimate dinner at Jason’s. Since the whole Pride debacle some friends were divided but I decided I wanted to spend it with him. Dinner was amazing because he cooked it. Once again, I supplied wine. Not the best of cooks mind you. Then again, I think everyone knows that. I spent New Years with Jason & some more friends. A drunken time was had by all & it found me out until 7 am.

2009 was not so divine. I spent the first few months forever plagued by my tonsils. It would get better & then somehow 2 weeks later they would get worse. I was ready to have them ripped out even though the dr didn’t advice that. A major highlight was seeing Britney Spears very up close & personal at her concert. The Pussycat Dolls opened up for her (all 20 of them lol). Through all the sickness I managed to make it for birthdays galore. Then in March I got sequestered to be a grand juror for the whole month of April. Talk about a pain in the ass. I was able to be at work for half the day & then I had to haul my ass down to court & sit & listen to cases & then decide if it was worthy to go onto trial. I sat right in front & like always I found myself falling asleep if I have to listen to someone monotone for too long. Some cases were terrible but then some were just straight up boring. I squeezed in another Gaga show & by this time she had definitely blown up. I was so proud. I saw En Vogue, some ladies I used to love in the 90’s, with Scott. At both shows I found myself incredibly close to the stage which is just the way I like it.

By summer, I was once again prepared for boys & booze & shenanigans. Nothing much is memorable enough to discuss. It was the events of my NC trip that has to this day left a bad taste in my mouth. It was wonderful seeing my sisters, Shuley, my friend Lisa, Wilmington peeps, & re-bonding with peeps from high school. Like I said, always an amazing time with them. My friends have truly become a substitute for family. Especially when you family become retarded. I had not even been down in NC for 24 hrs & my mother caused a scene & in her angry rant(s) said that I should have died after my surgery. I have not spoke with her since. I have always tried to be a positive person so moving right along once again Nickakah came along & I had an awesome time. I decided to take Nickakah on the road. Well basically the train & ferry to Fire Island. I spent the whole week there in a house through my friend Rob & Brad. It was like a gay frat house & everyone running around in hardly any clothes. By the end of the week I had hooked up with the 2 members of the house that I had not known. I know this may sound a little slutty but in pales in comparison to all of the other trysts throughout the years.

In the time after things calmed down. Not by choice. One of those last few moments that were fun were when Erick & Jason & I hung out before heading to a club. Jason had been jobless still for months & couldn’t afford to stay here in the city so he decided to take his dog Gem upstate to stay with his cousin. He had left shortly after his bday in May. There had been a joint celebration since Erick & his bday are around the same time. We had a great time so us being able to get together again was nice. I noticed it looked like he had been losing weight & he exclaimed he had not been able to keep weight on. He said he was kind of worried but not incredibly worried about it. Besides, not having health insurance makes it incredibly pricey to go see the dr. I had health insurance for all my brain tumor stuff & I’m still to this day getting bills for it. Absolutely sucks.

One Friday night, Jaime’s bday to be exact, I decided to come home & chill & not go out after hanging with Jaime for a few hrs. I slept a few hrs & then around 3 I woke up feeling disoriented & my arms in pain. I went to the bathroom & looked in the mirror. They weren’t dislocated but I couldn’t shake that something was wrong. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I had a seizure in my sleep. My thought turned out to be right. As I waited for the MRI results fears came rushing back to me. I was not prepared to do all of this again. It’s one thing when you go through it but to have it as a possibility that something may have grown back is even scarier. After the MRI I was told it was scar tissue. I had no idea that this could happen. The dr hadn’t told me this could happen. It felt like I needed to be put on an alert chart. I was put back on seizure medication. There was this massive bruise on my arm that I think I had for about a month. The positive with this medication was that I done my homework. You could drink with this one.

Determined not to keep a good bitch down I went to see Kylie & in true form I rushed my ass to the front. The concert was amazing & had me in a high. I also attended the Divas Live show with my friend Chase. You could see us throughout the whole show while we were dancing in the pit. Me, not being able to properly raise my arms because they were still in pain, & Chase because he is so damn tall. I also attended the Pink concert which was awesome. This also found the time for me to be cast in a commercial that I had yet to see. Feeling unfulfilled with work & missing what I had originally set out to do when I came here I went to a casting agency. That’s how I got the commercial. It was a long day & I was reminded of how long shoots & stuff could be. I didn’t mind. It was better than being at a job I was completely bored with.

November rolled around & I had been trying to get a hold of Jason. He had gotten sicker & had been in the hospital a few times. As far as I knew he had been released. I knew he was terrible about returning phone calls so I finally called & left a message. ”I guess you’re dead since you can’t call a bitch back! Seriously call me because we need to go see a 2-4-1 this Saturday.” Still no word & I went on to the movies. I can’t even remember what I saw. What I will always remember is being at work & having my phone ring & it was a number I didn’t recognize so I didn’t answer. The voicemail was from Jason’s cousin Jerry asking for me to call him back. When I did he told me that Jason had passed away the night before in the hospital. I think I went through a state of shock. I was standing outside of St. Patrick Cathedral with people walking by me. It felt like everything just kind of stopped. It was like the whole world was whizzing around me & I was in a haze. When it stopped I felt tears down my cheek that I couldn’t stop. Jason was one of the most important people in the world to me. First real boyfriend, life-long friend. You hear people say a phrase like ‘So & so is in my thoughts everyday.’ There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about him.

The holidays were not easy because I was in a depressed state. Ej & a few others managed to get me to go out a little. But it’s so easy to mask a smile & pretend you’re having a good time. I think over the years I’ve semi-mastered it. I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner with my friend Anabel & her family. It was such a nice time she invited me again for Christmas Eve dinner. She has taken me in as if I was her own. It was a nice feeling. I thought about how I spent the previous one with Jason. Instead of being depressed about it I tried to think about how wonderful it was to have the time with him. I try to take solace in that & just know that I will see him again. It doesn’t change the fact that I still miss him everyday. He’s in my thoughts a little extra this week because it would be his 30th birthday this week.

TO BE CONCLUDED