Spicing Up My Pleasure Principle

Light Skin, Dark Skin, My Asian Persuasion,
I Got them all that's why these girls out here hatin
Cause I'm sexy

As I am still holding out to sign up for Facebook, let me say greetings to all my Myspacers. To the Asians still sending me smiles on Friendster, 'Ni hao!' To a sexy frenchman I know, 'Bonjour!' Since I can't speak french I'll let some funky music do the talking. 'Zdravstvuite!' to my boys that know Russian. And dammit to the guy who just sent me another smile on Frienster.....'Konichiwa bitches!' Nick loves you all!
Children, I have been too salty for my own damn good. The month of February was about to do big baby in. Mr. Cohen decided to give me his cold that attacked him after his bday shenanigans. I have done my best to do battle against it by downing Orange juice, Robitussin, more vitamin C, & Airborne in my hot tea everyday. So currently, I'm winning the war that the cold has tried to plague me with. All around work, people have been coughing. On the subway random strangers cough their head off. It seems all over the country people have gotten sick. Which has not aided in my lovely mood. Since I last blogged, I did switch phone companies & got a new phone number so if I don't have yours yet, give it to me. Looking for the right apartment has also come to an abrupt stop. It's not that I am not moving but for right now, it's stagnant. There was a place that I was about to move into but alas my gut ended up being right. Mind you, I will save that story for another blog. A few weeks ago I found myself just feeling too run down & some headaches were becoming a little bothersome. So I called the doctor & spoke with him. His first question was has there been any more seizures? So I was like no & just told him about what I was feeling. Then he got all Dr. Phil for a hot minute or 2 & called me out. He asked what had been going on in my personal life. So I told him about the break up, the looking for a right apartment & work & other things. He then said, "Nick, this is too much stress." Then he said, "What's the one thing that you want most?" I paused for a moment & then immediately said, "I don't want to have to take this medication anymore & I want to be better!" He then said, "Well you're recovery time is going to be slower if you keep letting the stress get you down." It was like when Glinda told Dorothy that she had always had the power to go back to Kansas. I sometimes forget that I am not He-Man & I've just been so excited that things have felt like they had been moving quickly. The Dr reminded me that for many people it takes a long time to recover & as much as I want to get better I have to remember it's a process. It's just hard being that I am stubborn & want things to happen MUCH quicker. In my head I envisioned the scene in Steel Magnolia's where Sally Field has a break down & then if this were a scene on stage Larry could play the part perfect going, "I can run from here to Texas but Nick can't. I wanna know whyyyy?!!! why???!!" (editor's note: Larry this is your big scene, I hope you live for your shout out)
Joking aside, I completely see what the dr is saying. Even my horoscope's have been calling me out telling me to chill the fuck out. Meanwhile, I was like what you know bout me?! Bless my own heart I guess. So to make a long story short & I took the dr's advice. He said do some stuff that you like. Get yourself in a good mood.

I said hey now look around, pick yourself up off the ground
Never give up on the good times, gotta believe in the love you find
(Never give it up no, never give it up no oh oh)
Never give up on the good times, living it up is a state of mind
(Never give it up no, never give it up no oh oh)

Lately, I've been reminiscing about many things. Things just haven't been the same for so long & I've been trying to savor bits & pieces of memories from yesteryear. The saltiness was getting the best of me. So what do you do when you got too much salt in your diet? You add some spice & in my case I needed 5 spices. Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger & Posh. Yes, that's my lot. Last week I saw them at Madison Square Garden & I must say they were awesome. The vibe was all about some Girl Power & even though 10 yrs have passed they were still able to Spice Up My Life. The crowd was made up of tweens, teens, girls in their 20's & plenty of gays. They opened with Spice Up Your Life & went through Stop, Say You'll Be There but my personal favs were Wannabe, Who Do You Think You Are & Viva Forever. Each of the girls did a solo that was on fire but Geri, who has always been my favorite, put the stage on fire for her rendition of It's Raining Men. Mel C had a light show during her one woman I Turn To You. Emma took us back for a 60's vibe for Maybe. Mel B got all whip tastic during Are You Gonna Go My Way & Victoria ate up the camp appeal as she literally did a runway walk to Like A Virgin/Supermodel. Strangely enough, she kept getting the most cheers when she would sing solo. During Mama, they brought out their kids & lil Cruz got the most attention doing head stands & back flips. He was quite the charmer. By the time the show was over, we all left with a smile upon our face & I felt like I was 19 again.

Yes I still remember,
Every whispered word
The touch of your skin, giving life from within
Like a love song that I'd heard
Slipping through our fingers,
Like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved
Has reflections in my mind
Hasta Manana,
Always be mine
Viva forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, like the sun
Live forever,
For the moment
Ever searching for the one

As things change & people move on, its been interesting to see the dynamics in the groups change. Even as I read blogs that I posted last year & think about things that happened over the summer there's no doubt about it. Things are different & what will be will be. There's no going back & the only way to grow is to learn from the past. Which I think I'm doing. Slowly but surely. Which seems to be my unspoken mantra now ever since the tumor. The question of, "When are you going to be able to drink again?" has become almost annoying as "Have you found an apartment yet?" And that's not to make any one feel bad about asking, it has just added to the 'oh my god your guess is as good as mine' as I semi laugh. Like everything else that has happened I just try to remember there is a reason for this. This too shall pass. The other day at lunch I was chatting with a co-worker about work related stuff. My boss told me last week that she is leaving NYC & moving back to LA. So this week I've been trying to finish up certain stuff for her. Last year, I was not at all happy about having to do assistant work & fought it the whole way. Somehow over time I became ok with it. So when she told me she had decided she didn't want to live here anymore, I laughed & thought about how life is weird. Just when I had become ok with being her assistant things were about to change. As I was telling my co-worker who used to help me on work related stuff she then told me that she was going to have to go on leave. She said that she was going to take time off to stay with her mother as she goes through chemo for cancer that she just found out she had. Her mom is 66 & she said she was really worried about her. She said,"My mom has always been so independent & I just don't see how she's going to get through this." With that being said, she told me her mom exclaimed, "This ain't gonna take me down! I will get through this!" It reminded me of me. It also reminded me that there are plenty of other people who have it worse. Either way, she'll be in my prayers.
A week or so ago I was in the middle of the dancefloor getting my dance on when I just happened to see an old friend that I hadn't seen in a long time. He said, "Wow, Nick you look great!" Which was music to my ears & then he brought up something else. He tells me about how he had heard about the break up & I was like yes, it happened but everything will be ok. It was then he said, "Oh don't worry. I'm sure you'll find a new husband before you know it." An interesting comment to make at least to me so I told him that I'm perfectly fine being single. Unfortunately, it's not the first of those comments. For years I remained single & sure having a bf is nice & wonderful BUT I've never understood why people feel that they are not complete unless they have a gf/bf. The other night while out & about I was playing my role of Sober Sister Sally & my friend Jason was getting his drink on. Countless men kept coming up to him trying to get with him & he said, "Geez, when it rains it pours!" I laughed & then said, "Oh bitch eat it up. Besides ain't no one showing me love!" In his drunken state he told me that I was giving out a vibe that says don't talk to me. I was shocked! I am no bitch & if anything I've just been all about dancing & getting my grooves on. He said, "there are plenty of guys checking you out trying to get your attention but you're not having it." I thought about it but it had not really dawned on me. I pondered it for a hot minute while he got his drunken love fest on with a random guy & I thought about the basic principle. Nick from a long time ago probably would have tried to run through a list of men but the Nick now doesn't need that. As I thought about this a guy stopped in front of me & went to grab my crotch as he said, "hey baby!". Now yes, this may be the way some of us say hello but in that moment I pushed his hand away & as cheesey as it may sound I said, "No. my first name ain't baby!" After that & my moment of reflection I got back to doing what I do best. Getting my dance on.

You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that, no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing
The more you try
The less I buy it
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around

Don't get me wrong, when Valentine's Day came upon me & I realized it was the first time since 04 I was spending it single, I did get a little reminiscent. Like I said, I have been doing a LOT of reflecting on things from the past. But just as slow & steady has become my mantra, the art of balance has been a constant on my mind. If you have Discipline then you can rock the art of balance. So who better to teach me about such things then Ms. Janet Jackson herself. I've been a fan since I was a little kid & when my mom bought the Control record I would spend many a night dancing to Nasty. Later on I would wear the vcr out rewinding the If video so I could get the moves down. There are plenty of times that people have to clear the floor for Ej, Larry & I to get our breakdown on if the Dj plays Alright, Rhythm Nation or All Night. Throb is probably one of my most favorite dance songs EVER & there's not a dancer I know that hasn't been inspired by her in one way or another. I managed to see janet perform twice. Once for the Today show & then a few yrs back at a VERY packed Pier Dance. But, after all that I've never gotten a chance to meet her. That changed last night. During lunch, I stepped out to go to Best Buy to buy the new cd. There were already people lined up waiting to see her. She was doing an in store signing hours & hours later. I assumed there would be no chance of me being able to go later because I still had to go back to work. But the girl told me if I had a wrist band then I would be able to see her. So I said, "PUT IT ON ME!" I came back after work & sure enough it had started to rain. I had no umbarella ella ella eh. (Why this is becoming a current theme in my blogs I have no idea. This blog is not endorsed by Rihanna at all.) So I wrapped my scarf over my head & waited for my friend Russell to get there. Well since he runs on CP time a bitch was mad late so I had to use my socializing skills & become besties with the girl in front of me who just happened to have an umbrella. We chatted & discussed our love over Ms. Janet Damita Jo Jackson. As we waited, Russell finally showed up & we kept getting closer & closer. I had heard horror stories, namely from Vadim, about not being able to see Madonna because she left the signing early. This was not going to be the case for us. Finally, we were inside & I could see her. She was dressed in all black, the same outfit she had while on TRL just a few hrs before. She looked incredibly tiny, rocking some high heel stiletto boots, flawless skin, & a perfect weave! Janet looked HOT. Security was heavy & they said that absolutely no cell phones or any cameras. Damn! Who would believe me when I said I saw her! I had tried to think of a fabulous monologue or anecdote to say to her & then I got there & became speechless. She took the cd booklet & began to sign Love janet. Dammit Nick open your mouth! So I said, "Janet, I've loved you for over 20 years!" She looked up & said, "Awww, well thank you so much for coming." I said, "I wouldn't have missed it." She looked at me right in the eyes & i swear she had a little sparkle & then she smiled & said, "Oooo & you're cute!" Oh my moo! Ms. Jackson told me I was cute! With that, I became speechless again. Yes, flattery will get you anywhere with me LOL even when you're Janet Jackson. Then in my brief moment security whisked me off & I was left with my memory & you know what? Sometimes it IS all about the pleasure principle.

Sometimes It's A Bitch

I don't want to take it anymore
I'll just stay here locked behind the door
Just no time to stop and get away
'Cause I work so hard to make it everyday

It's been said that everyone in NYC is looking for 3 things. A wonderful job, a fabulous apartment & an even more wonderful & fabulous loved one. Most jaded New Yorker's are ok with having 2 out of 3. Hell, most people I know are just striving to get at least 2. So when it appears that you have all 3 sympathy doesn't flow aplenty. In a month's time, I've been pounding pavements & refreshing my Craigslist page to find the brand new hotness! To all my gay boys out there, get your mind out of the gutter. I've not been on M4M or missed connections. I've been doing my best to find an apartment that is best for me. In a perfect world, I would live by myself. But right now it's just not something I can afford in an area I want to live in. Being that I'm trying to keep it in certain area's of Manhattan, this means I need a roommate. On my journey so far I've met some interesting characters. The very first apt I saw was ok. It was back in my old hood of Hell's Kitchen. They say go with what you know right? Like I said, it was ok. Until the guy told me about his 'semi-small' roach & insect problem. He said that since he's rarely at home he doesn't like to clean much & was hoping that the new 'roomie' would help him out with that. Now, I'm not running around with a white glove searching for dust but I also don't want to be eating & having some bugs scurrying across my feet. Dirty Straight Guy spoke of this while I was standing in the kitchen & looking around at empty soda cans lying around & left over food out on the counter top. I'm sure my face did something because then he said, "Well it's ok, I'm not here during the day so I don't see em. It's mainly at night that they come out." All of a sudden I had an image of me getting up in the middle of the night to get some water, turning on the light switch & seeing tons of bugs scurrying around as if I had interrupted their orgy while 'The Freaks Come Out At Night' plays. With that in my head I said, "Thank you for your time. I'll let you know." My next venture took me not too far from where I live now. But the minute I walked in I noticed it was incredibly hot. The girl who lived there I will call Mother Earth. She had tons of little candles lit, which I love, & some ambient music playing. Had I accidentally come to yoga class? I looked at the room which literally felt like the size of a shoe box. I envisioned my wall of cds & trying to get a bed & I just pictured myself being incredibly cramped. Also, I couldn't stop sweating. That's when Mother Earth told me that she didn't believe in Air Conditioners. "Are you serious?" I asked. She then told me about how sweating cleanses the soul & releases toxins from the body. I couldn't help myself so I giggled. Mother Earth was not amused & I felt as if I may get spanked or at least told to lay down in the downward dog position. So I asked, "Summer's here are kind of brutal. Don't you get hot?" "I run a small fan," Mother Earth replied. Hmmmm Mmmmmkyyyy. "Well thanks for showing me the place. I gotta run." A few days later I answered an ad that said Only Gay Men Respond to a Duplex in the East Village. Ok, so I've seen a dirty straight guy & I've seen Mother Earth. Let's check out the fellow gays. I showed up after work one night & not realizing it was going to rain, I had no Umbarella ella ella eh. So this nice older man answered the door. "Get in here young man before you catch cold! Where is your raincoat & umbrella?!" (They didn't go with my ensemble DER!)Instead I said, "I forgot them." Once inside he took me to the 2nd floor & we sat down in the 'common area'. A big fluffy cat ran through my legs & started purring loudly. "Whiskers just LOVES the handsome young ones," he said. Well thank you Whiskers, if you could actually say this to me I may just pee my pants. But back to the room. He wanted me to fill out the application forms which asked basic essential stuff like name & where I live now & when I'm looking to move blah blah. He showed me the room & it was really big for NY standards. I pictured myself being able to fit all my belongings perfectly in it. So we sat at a table & we started discussing things as Whiskers purred lovingly against my legs. He told me that there were 3 guys on each floor & that he stays in the basement with his partner & Whiskers & how he's owned the place for 30 years. He asked why I was leaving my current situation & I told him that my bf & I had broken up & I needed to find a new place to live. 'Oh Jesus, this must be terrible for you' with a quick touch to my knee & then to his heart. "Is this going to be a traumatic experience for you?" Puzzled, I said "No, it's not that at all. We just realized that it was something we needed to do." "Oh so you didn't catch him strung out on Meth & in bed with other men? That would have been terrible!" He gasped. "Ummmm yes that uh would have been," I said. I couldn't help but wonder if I had stumbled across a shelter for abused & battered gay house husbands. He then told me that if I was chosen & if I decided to take the room then I would need to get a new key from him every Friday. Confused I asked why. He then said that he liked to do that in case any one of his tenants got strung out & didn't pay their rent....ha...ha...ha. "What kind of people live here?!" I asked. "Oh, they're fine men. Don't get me wrong. They're in their 20's, 30's, all different kinds of jobs. But, you should just make sure that you lock your door to your room when you leave & things of that nature." Still puzzled, I said, "Well what about when I go to the bathroom? Should my door be locked then?" "Just to be safe, I mean... you never know if roommates are going to bring home random tricks that you won't know. That's why I suggest it, & you wouldn't want any one possibly going into your room to take advantage of you. They could be strung out!" Hmmmmmm mmmmkkkyyy. Just to confirm for myself I asked, "So you give out new keys every week & if I go to the bathroom I should lock the door? Hell, should I keep the door locked even if it's just me here?" "Well unless you would like for Whiskers or me to tuck you in at night," he giggled as he winked at me. Here's where I must say this: In the past few months, I've learned to start trusting my gut feelings more then anything & in this moment my gut feeling said, "Get the Fuck out before Creepy Old Gay Man rapes you. So with that I said, "Well, thank you for taking the time to show me the place......I'll definitely get back to you with an answer." As I went down the stairs to the door Whiskers followed me with a quickness. I couldn't help but think maybe this pussy was screaming to be saved. "Whiskers! You always try to leave with the handsome boys!" COGM replied & then made sure she was away from the door. As I opened the door to leave he said, "Here, have an umbrella. I would hate for you to be stuck in bed all alone with a cold." I said thank you but in my head I thought 'COGM you will never be my umbarella ella ella eh'.

Industry don't pay a price that's fair
All the common people breathing filthy air
Roof caved in on all the simple dreams
And to get ahead your heart starts pumping schemes

I have seen other places & not all places have been bad. There were a couple that were absolutely perfect for me & in my budget & location. Alas, someone else was picked out over me. Can you believe it? I KNOW! I can't either! So I just say to myself that hey, if it's meant to be then it will be for me. With everything, the tumor.... the break up, I've remained positive. Sometimes bad things happen, deal with it & move on. It's not like Jordan & I are at each other's throat's or anything so going home is not miserable by any means. If anything I've realized that NY living wise I've kind of lead a charmed life. I was in Hell's Kitchen for 5 1/2 yrs in a rent stabilized apt paying $400 for a massive room. That is unheard of. Then for the past 2 years I've called Union Square home. The thing is I've seen good apartments, I know they are out there. This past weekend I saw one I really liked & once again I find myself waiting to see if they pick me out of the people they've seen. Once again, I'll just have to wait & see.

I know there's a pot of gold for me
All I got to do is just believe
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
And I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
I'm so happy doin' the neutron dance
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance

Yesterday getting on the train to head back home I guess my head was in another place. I was going through my print outs of places I've seen. I re-read all my pluses & minuses on each apartment. Then I noticed right across the track there was an express train. I got up, bag in hand & started to get off. I heard a man yell. But it didn't seem like he was yelling at me. So I crossed the track & got on the express. Once I was at Union Square I got off & made my exit. I then thought about how Vadim had called me right before I got on the train & I figured I would call him back. I reached in my pocket only to realize that my phone was gone. Then it hit me, it must have fell out of my pocket when I was getting off the local train to get on the express train. Then I thought about the man yelling. Dammit! He was yelling for me. I turned around but knew there was no way of getting back to the train, it had already left in that amount of time. So I went to Verizon to see about getting a new one. The guy was really no help, just basically telling me that I should get a new one & then the old one would be disconnected. The catch would be to just sign another 2 year contract. Ah!!!!! More decisions! I couldn't deal at that moment & said that I'll come back. After I got home I thought 'Hey, maybe someone will answer my phone & then give it back to me'. Thats when Vadim apparently tried to call me back & a guy did answer so he called Jordan to let me know. I called from Jordan's phone & a guy with an Indian accent answered. Excited I said, "You have my phone!" "Yes, you left it on the subway & I yelled for you but you kept going." "Well, where are you now?" "I'm in Brooklyn," he said with a matter of fact tone. "So when are you coming back into the city because I need my phone?" I asked & at this point sounding irritated & frantic. "I don't know," he said & then hung up on me. I called back but he wouldn't answer. This made me L I V I D. So after dealing with Verizon once again, I had all calls blocked & reported that my phone was stolen. I also figured I would give him a day to do the right thing but as I sit here & try again, I'm understanding that he's an utter asshole & he's decided to keep my phone. So when I leave work in a little bit, I will be canceling my service & I think I will go to AT&T. Verizon was basically no help to me & at least with AT&T I could get rollover minutes. And hey, this is just continuing my way of starting anew. I want a new phone, a new number & dammit.... a new place to live. As for the guy who's taken my phone....I hope you die. I realize this is really harsh but, in the past 24 hrs I've had a mini breakdown. During this my head started hurting & right in the place that they cut into & in that moment I got really mad. I had never wanted a drink in my life so bad. I just couldn't shake the feeling of why me? But you know what, even good guys get the blues sometimes so I think it's ok if I say a few mean things. I'm sure I'll feel bad about it at another time. And in my head I hear Shuley's voice saying, "You're the only person I know that can fall in a pile of shit & somehow come out smelling like a rose." So that's how I'll end it. Thank you Shuley for that thought. It's put a smile upon my face & that I will be good is all I can hope for right now.

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer KING
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you