It was sometime last year, Vadim & I were discussing getting drizz. We were like, "OMG, can you imagine going out sober? That must be NO fun. What would you do if you couldn't drink?" We both were like, "EH! I'd probably stop going out since going out sober would be no fun!" I'd had this kind of conversation before. With Rob, Tom, now that I think of it.....most of my friends. We all wondered how did Ej do it? My friend Ej has never had a drop of alcohol. Ever. I'm not kidding. Nada. He's going to be 30 this Wednesday (HAPPY BDAY MATE!) & still no alcohol, ever. It's crazy right? I think about all the drunken times I've had when he was around & I wonder, "Ej, how did you deal?" Flash forward to now......someone has a cruel sense of humor.
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
Last week, I had my follow up MRI. The one to see how everything was going with my head. The doctor had said that I was getting better so quickly. He even said that if everything looked right on my results, they would start to taper me off of my medication or take me off of it completely. So yesterday when I was waiting for him to call, I was all kinds of nervous. Having the MRI done slightly freaks me out because it's like being in a coffin. Or at least that's how I feel. So when my cell phone rang & I saw it was his number I answered with a quickness. With slight hesitation he said, "So, I got the results from your MRI. The news is not bad. There's a couple of places where the cysts used to be so it's very possible that it's just what's left over from surgery." I wasn't really sure what to think so I asked, "Is this something I need to be worried about?" He said, "No. But just to be safe, we'll need to do another MRI in a few months." "So, does this mean I'm going to have to stay on my medication?" I asked. "Just to be safe, yes you should." This wasn't the news I was hoping for. I was hoping that everything would be 100% better. It's by no means terrible, let me say that. I had fears that he would tell me that there was still a tumor or cysts had grown back & that they would have to go in again. So it was good to hear that that had not happenned. I guess I was just hoping that I was fully better. I have made sure to do everything they told me. I've always taken the medication on time. I've made sure to not fuck up at all. It's not the easiest to go to work funtions or parties where people know you're drink of choice & know you can down em with the best of em. "No thanks, I really can't. You have it for me." It's not easy when your best friend in NC send you camera phone pics of drinks that you can't have. Yes Shuley, I'm calling you out. I've also found that it isn't easy being around your friends when they get beligerantly drunk. I will say no names because you know who you are mmmhmm. But it's ok, if I was to hate you I'd have to hate myself as well. I realize that I've played the party boy persona for so long that that IS what I'm known for. Hell, the day after New Years Eve I called my mom to say hi & she asked what I had done. I told her that a few people came over & that was about it. She goes, "You didn't drink anything did you?!" To have my own mother not trust my ability to just say no was kind of sad. If anything, I've somehow become the perfect model for how to go out & still have fun. And I'm not the only one in this crusade. My best friend Larry decided that until I can drink again, he will not drink either. Vadim even decided that he won't drink either. He's decided that he will choose when he is going to drink. Mind you, he did fall off the wagon once.....but hey! No one is perfect. Look at Lindsay Lohan. Each day is a struggle haha. It must be said that I didn't ask anyone to do this, but it also must be said that I am happy to know that I'm not on this journey alone. To also hear everyone tell me how great I look has definitely been a high point. The other night, Jason said, "Hey! maybe you've found something good with this whole not being able to drink thing because you look hot."
Everyone says you're amazing now that you're clean
Only you know who the real ones are cause you've seen
There's only one question I want to ask is it healing
When you hear everyone say you're amazing
Does anybody ask you?
I've even found myself answering that question of being able to go out sober. I've realized I can. I can even dance until 5 am (as long as the music's good). This isn't happenning as much as it used to though. I've found that New York City Nightlife is definitely not the same. Before, there were so many choices of where to go out. There was dancing galore! It's not the case now. My friend Scott, who is still considered a newbie, keeps hearing about it from all of us. He came out a little late in life & it's sad because I feel like he missed out on all the fun & good times. 'Back in the day' every weekend was like being out for the first time. In the words of Deborah Cox, "Thing's just ain't the same." I guess every generation feels that way. Each decade you hear about this & that. The 70's gave us Disco & Studio 54. The 80's was all about coke & yuppies & the 'me' generation. The 90's found a resurgence in clubland & then it was dead again. Now, it's the same with this one. I guess all good things really do come to an end. Which is where I found myself a week ago. After a relationship that was a few months shy of 3 years, Jordan & I decided that we should break up.
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
I'll not discuss this in major detail because it's mine & his to deal with. Break ups are never easy. Especially when you put time & effort & love into it. Something that I know we both did. What I will say is that I think we tried our best to make it work. But sometimes, things just don't work out the way you want them to. I don't look at this as a failure at all. After having my tumor in October I realized that there were a lot of things that I need to take care of. I stated before that it taught me about not taking anything for granted. Time is not always on our side. So, if I found myself unhappy with current situations.... then I have to look within myself in order to fix it.
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
In the past few months or so I've been seeing those hints of a Nick from days long ago. Someone who I hadn't visited in quite some time. He was still there, but just underneath the surface. Needless to say, I've missed him & I'm glad he's back. The guy who could get it on the dancefloor until all hours of the night while managing to be completely sober. The guy who actually had focus on a career & what he wanted to do in his life. The guy who said, "I managed to get this far. Let's see what I can do now." The guy who did what he wanted to do without answering to anyone. I don't regret anything that's happenned in my life. Everythinng that's happenned to me, I've learned something from. I can only look forward & just remain positive. I feel like I've got a plan now so to quote Larry, "Work that." His birthday is Wednesday as well so lemme end it in saying, "Happy Bday boo! This year is the time to shine."
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Coming Out Of The Dark Because Today The Sun's On Us
First things first, let me say Happy New Year! I meant to blog a while ago. The holidays came with a quickness. Even back to Thanksgiving. I meant to discuss my mom & my younger sister's visit & how I got to see NY through tourists' eyes again. I went to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade because my mom had always wanted to see it. Turns out the weather was absolutley perfect. I've avoided going every year because it's normally freezing. But, being that this time it wasn't I got my ass up early in the a.m. so my mom & sis could have a good spot to see everything clearly. That being done, I don't ever need to go again. That being said, I'll probbaly be there every year now. It was my first time spending Thanskgiving with my mom since the 90's. For years I've had a tradition of spending it with Larry who cooks a mean ass bird & a few friends who are around. So I had some slight trepidation when my mom said she was coming. Fear struck me that there would be family fights like how it used to be. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to not be my family that caused me grief. All in all everything turned out ok. All is forgiven but all will definitely not be forgotten. My mom & sister seemed to have a good time & my mom has fallen in love with NYC. I was even wondering if she may come for Christmas. Which literally popped up out of nowhere. Basically, it was mellow which is what I was glad for. Had some dinner the night before with Jordan, Larry, Scott & a few other people. Gifts were exchanged & things were good. Basically low key which is exactly what I wanted.
The past 2 months have been all about me trying to get better. The whole month of November I wore a hat to work. Feeling self conscious about the scar & how I hated my buzzed head didn't help. I'm telling ya, it's not meant for me to be hairless, my head doesn't seem shaped right for it. Also, making things worse was one of the medications I had to take. Remember me talking about how I was eating way more then I ever had before? As it turns out, the pills had steroids in them. Which was what I needed so there would be no swelling of my brain. But the side effects were not kind. Random headaches, skin irritations & gaining 15 lbs was NOT on my agenda. After telling the dr about such effects he said, "Oh, you should stop taking these." I was like gee thanks. So off to the gym I went to do battle against the bulge. It was a sad thing for me when I couldn't even properly fit into my work pants. It's also one thing to know something is different but when other's notice is quite another. One lady at work, who I'm pretty sure had no clue of what happened to me, said that she thought I looked better slimmer. The same lady went wizzing by me the day I stopped wearing a hat to work & said, "Oh! Another new color! I love how you change it all the time." Now here's the thing about changing your appearance often. I think my mom said it best when she looked at me & said, "Opinions are like asshole's, everybody's got one." As a child I often got upset about my hair color. So many kids at school would make fun of it because it was different. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Although, little old ladies seemed to love it & always asked my mom if she dyed my hair. Precious I know & being adored by little old ladies was not on my agenda as a 7 yr old. Later on in life, I began to appreciate that no one had my color & loved the fact that I was different. Then many years ago I began to dabble in hair color changes & like I said everyone had an opinion about whether it looked good or not. So recently, when I started rocking the new hair that I haven't seen in ages I've been taking the bad with the good. Some guys at work said, "Damn! Nick I didn't realize your hair was red. Even though its not red.....what color is that?" "Auburn, you know a brownish reddish color," I replied. "Oh Snap! I was just ragging on my friend for having red hair!" Hmmmm, gee thanks. Then at a work function, precious, sweet & wonderful little old lady Joan says, "Nick, is this your natural hair color? I love it!" Once again, Old Ladies Love Cool Nick (OLLCool Nick). A lot of the responses have been good. One day at the gym though, I was trying to get my work out accomplished when some one decided to stop me. One of those guys I know from the gym & I've known for years but unfortunately can not remember his name. HI!!!!! he yells forcing me to take off my headphones. "I HAVE to know, why did you chop off all your fabalous hair? You look better & happier as a blonde. Now there is no trace of it. You didn't even leave some highlights. Now it's just too red. What happenned, you just didn't want it anymore?" Pausing, I stood there & looked at him. I thought about how the hell am I supposed to look happy while I'm lifting weights? Instead I chose the truth. "I had a brain tumor & it had to be removed. That's why I now have no hair & this color is what is growing in." Then with the gayest voice I've ever heard he said, "Ohhhh." So like I said, I'll take the bad with the good. And as Vadim would say, "What's hair is hair."
New Years Eve came & went & I had a very nice but relaxing time. A few people came over & I deejayed a bit playing some of my favorite jams of the year. By 2:30 I was about to go to bed. What I enjoyed most was the week & a half off I had from work. Sleeping in everyday was wonderful. The past few days has been incredibly hard to get my ass out of bed. At least today is Friday. The weather has been exceptionally cold but next week is supposed to be better. It's hard to believe it's 2008 but honestly I'm glad 2007 is over. There were plenty of good times & I did my best to kick the bad times ass. It's still a fight & I have a lot of plans for myself. I've been coming out of the dark & I'm finally ready. One thing at a time, slow & steady. I'll try to tackle them with style & grace. With a bit of saltyness I may even do this with a smile upon my face. One thing's for sure. This year I plan on blogging a LOT more.
There's no rain, there's no storm
Though the blue sky makes you wonder
Don't you fear what will come
Will come
And right now we're in the sun
Sure enough, seasons change
But don't let today get lost
'Cause today the sun's on us
Today the sun's on us
The past 2 months have been all about me trying to get better. The whole month of November I wore a hat to work. Feeling self conscious about the scar & how I hated my buzzed head didn't help. I'm telling ya, it's not meant for me to be hairless, my head doesn't seem shaped right for it. Also, making things worse was one of the medications I had to take. Remember me talking about how I was eating way more then I ever had before? As it turns out, the pills had steroids in them. Which was what I needed so there would be no swelling of my brain. But the side effects were not kind. Random headaches, skin irritations & gaining 15 lbs was NOT on my agenda. After telling the dr about such effects he said, "Oh, you should stop taking these." I was like gee thanks. So off to the gym I went to do battle against the bulge. It was a sad thing for me when I couldn't even properly fit into my work pants. It's also one thing to know something is different but when other's notice is quite another. One lady at work, who I'm pretty sure had no clue of what happened to me, said that she thought I looked better slimmer. The same lady went wizzing by me the day I stopped wearing a hat to work & said, "Oh! Another new color! I love how you change it all the time." Now here's the thing about changing your appearance often. I think my mom said it best when she looked at me & said, "Opinions are like asshole's, everybody's got one." As a child I often got upset about my hair color. So many kids at school would make fun of it because it was different. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Although, little old ladies seemed to love it & always asked my mom if she dyed my hair. Precious I know & being adored by little old ladies was not on my agenda as a 7 yr old. Later on in life, I began to appreciate that no one had my color & loved the fact that I was different. Then many years ago I began to dabble in hair color changes & like I said everyone had an opinion about whether it looked good or not. So recently, when I started rocking the new hair that I haven't seen in ages I've been taking the bad with the good. Some guys at work said, "Damn! Nick I didn't realize your hair was red. Even though its not red.....what color is that?" "Auburn, you know a brownish reddish color," I replied. "Oh Snap! I was just ragging on my friend for having red hair!" Hmmmm, gee thanks. Then at a work function, precious, sweet & wonderful little old lady Joan says, "Nick, is this your natural hair color? I love it!" Once again, Old Ladies Love Cool Nick (OLLCool Nick). A lot of the responses have been good. One day at the gym though, I was trying to get my work out accomplished when some one decided to stop me. One of those guys I know from the gym & I've known for years but unfortunately can not remember his name. HI!!!!! he yells forcing me to take off my headphones. "I HAVE to know, why did you chop off all your fabalous hair? You look better & happier as a blonde. Now there is no trace of it. You didn't even leave some highlights. Now it's just too red. What happenned, you just didn't want it anymore?" Pausing, I stood there & looked at him. I thought about how the hell am I supposed to look happy while I'm lifting weights? Instead I chose the truth. "I had a brain tumor & it had to be removed. That's why I now have no hair & this color is what is growing in." Then with the gayest voice I've ever heard he said, "Ohhhh." So like I said, I'll take the bad with the good. And as Vadim would say, "What's hair is hair."
New Years Eve came & went & I had a very nice but relaxing time. A few people came over & I deejayed a bit playing some of my favorite jams of the year. By 2:30 I was about to go to bed. What I enjoyed most was the week & a half off I had from work. Sleeping in everyday was wonderful. The past few days has been incredibly hard to get my ass out of bed. At least today is Friday. The weather has been exceptionally cold but next week is supposed to be better. It's hard to believe it's 2008 but honestly I'm glad 2007 is over. There were plenty of good times & I did my best to kick the bad times ass. It's still a fight & I have a lot of plans for myself. I've been coming out of the dark & I'm finally ready. One thing at a time, slow & steady. I'll try to tackle them with style & grace. With a bit of saltyness I may even do this with a smile upon my face. One thing's for sure. This year I plan on blogging a LOT more.
There's no rain, there's no storm
Though the blue sky makes you wonder
Don't you fear what will come
Will come
And right now we're in the sun
Sure enough, seasons change
But don't let today get lost
'Cause today the sun's on us
Today the sun's on us
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