The Decade of Decadence Chapter 3: No Longer Singing Acapella

Before the end of 2005 we had another death in our family. While outside doing some kind of work, my step-father had a heart attack. To make matters worse no one found him for a while. Unfortunately, it was one of my sisters who made the discovery. It was right before Christmas & once again we had a reason to not love the holiday. He & my mother never had the best kind of marriage & as an example it left me thinking a relationship/marriage probably wasn’t for me. The only good that seemed to come from it was my sisters. It wasn’t all bad times but for a large majority of their time together I remember my mother complaining. I remember thinking I would never stay in a relationship if I was that unhappy.

By the new year I declared that the slogan would be ‘A life remixed in 06′. I had no idea how right I would be. I was temping like a mad man & working at jobs all over places. Wherever my agency could get me work, I was happy. My home life at West 47th had remained nutty as ever. I had always claimed I would stay there until I could live alone or if I met someone that I thought I could live with, perhaps a boyfriend. One night towards the end of January my roommate Oz got into a fight. An actual physical fight. Jordan called the cops & my friends were freaking out. It was all over a cd. Looking back it made no sense but it was just one of Oz’s insane ways. In a split second decision Jordan looked at me & said, “I don’t want you living like this. Why don’t you move in with me?” Without much thought I said yes. A few days later we started packing my stuff & we moved all of it to his place in Union Square. Oz was incredibly remorseful for his actions but by then I was highly over it all. His antics with not paying the rent on time, using our money to buy cds/dvds, inside escort jobs, his crazy ways…. I was done. So living with Jordan made sense in my head. In my heart, I was freaked out. This was my first time living with a boyfriend. I worried that we would get on each others nerves. I worried about a lot of things. I have a very telling face & I remember my friend Tom seeing this & him assuring me that all would work out fine. He was there to help us clean & organize & make everything look homey. I remember us taking days at a time just to clean & organize. I had days off from temping & Jordan was looking for another job at the time & Tom was able to come on his downtime. I say this like we were fixing up some massive house but in reality we’re talking about a one bedroom apartment. Certainly big for NY standards but not massive for those of you reading who hasn’t quite experienced homes in NY. Everything was fixed up like a club. Jordan had set up moving lights & fog & I had my wall of sound. We referred to it as Club 415. Soon all of our friends would come over for pre-drinks & to hang out before we would set out to whatever club that we would go to at the time. I also had my first passover with him & a few months later we hosted an impromptu wedding reception for his friend Dawne & Pablo. I deejayed & we all had a blast, including her 94 year old grandmother. By this point everyone had definitely become to just refer to us as Nick & Jordan. What had once kind of freaked me out was now bringing me solace. I thought hey, maybe I can be good ad this.

In May of that year my sister was about to graduate from high school so I decided to go down to NC for it. I had not been in 2 & half years. Whenever I go down I try to spend at least a week since I rarely go. I spent a few days with the family & had a great time & then took myself to Wilmington to hang with my friends there. As the summer came trips to Fire Island begun & that involved a lot of the arguments between Jordan & I. I found myself not really spending a lot of time with him when we were out there because he would be working or dealing with some kind of EMT situation. Family arguments also left me feeling really uncomfortable. I felt like I would be happier staying in the city. He felt like he would be happier if I just came out anyway. The word compromise was not fully in my dictionary. By the end of June I did find some good luck with temping at an ad agency. They said it would be 2 weeks, possibly longer.

That summer I also saw Madonna’s Confession show with Vadim & a full fledged birthday celebration was staged. I basically had been celebrating my birthday for a week since 2001. That was when I saw Madonna’s Drowned World Tour. But this was the year I gave it the name of Nickakah. I figured if the Jews could have Hanukkah then I could celebrate in my own way. Each night was spent just the way it should be. Being with the people you love & dancing & having a great time. Jordan made a t-shirt that said Nickakah 2006 with a quote from me that I can’t remember now. Vadim has this shirt to this day (it’s been Basic Trashed each year). In August Jordan took me see Mariah at MSG as a late bday present since he knew how much I loved her. I made more trips out to Fire Island & Mother Nature would reward me by raining the whole entire time. Seriously, no joke…. every time I would go out there, it would rain. I would stay in the city & hang with my friends & it would be sunny & gorgeous all over. It was like all parties would win even if we were apart for a few days. In September we went to go see Janet on the Today show. The year had been awesome so far. I got to see my 3 of my music diva’s. I found myself at one job for more than a few weeks. I was still a temp at my job at TBWA but by now there was talk that I was finally going to get hired as a permanent employee. Finally, right before Christmas I was hired. The holidays, like always came quickly & fast. I remember that Christmas being a lot of fun. A lot of food & a lot of wine & a drunken walk up to see the tree in Rockefeller Center. A drunken crazy made some mean comments about us & our gayness & I was ready to throw down. By New Years Eve we decided to throw our own party. Everyone had done the club thing before & other parties that cost way too much money. So, this made more sense. It was an awesome party until we realized that Jordan’s corporate card had been stolen. He (like any one else would be) was angry & was determined it was one of my friends random people. I was SURE it wasn’t. Turns out it was someone we considered a close friend. ’The Hamburgler’ & him haven’t been friend since. All in all 2006 the life that was remixed was shaping up to be quite a good one.

The new year brought in tons of bday celebrations like always. Every single year now I seem to be deluged with bday parties because all of my friends were born in the first few months of the year. Valentine’s Day is 2 days before Jordan’s bday & for this day he presented me with a ring. He had one for himself as well & it wasn’t like an engagement ring. More like a symbolization I suppose. When I was 9 I remember my Aunt’s second husband having to have his ring cut off his finger because it had gotten stuck. It freaked me out so much that from that point on the thought of a ring on my finger highly bothered me. I didn’t even get a class ring in high school because of it. So when Jordan did this I freaked out. I did my best to wear it but even with the slightest feeling of it being too snug I broke out in hives. To him it was Nicolas just being Nicolas. To me it was so much more. We had definitely fallen into the same ol same ol that any couple falls into. It’s reality & it just happens to everyone. By March, everyone came together for the ending of something much more symbolical to NY. The closing of the Roxy. Every single one of my friends were there. All of gay NY was there. Hell, this is the place that so much had happened to me. Now my favorite place to go to just let go & dance was shutting down. It was the end of an era. I haven’t found a place I loved quite like the Roxy. As I look back on past blogs throughout the years there were so many blogs dedicated to what went on there & the friendships I made & the boys I met, the superstars I’ve seen there. Madonna, Cher, Beyonce, The Pussycat Dolls just to name a few. I remember when Cher was there I called my Aunt just to make her jealous. The night Madonna was there it took me forever to get in & I was separated from my friends. All I could think of was get to the middle, get to the middle! Once I was there I turn at my right & all of a sudden I notice that Jordan was on my right. At the time we weren’t together & shortly after that was when we had decided to get back together. So for me, Roxy held a lot of my memories….. good & bad.

In April all of us were dancing & getting our drink on at Pop Rocks when I randomly popped my shoulder out of it’s socket. The same shoulder that had plagued me with problems since I was 19. I had to go to the hospital & had to have them pop it back in. I remember hoping & praying that that would be my only trip to the hospital that year. In May I decided to visit NC again. This trip ended up to be a pretty good one because I was reunited with a friend I hadn’t seen in years. We got drunk in my hotel room & she stayed over. The next morning my mom showed up thinking I had hooked up with her. I should point out that my mom was the only person in the family that didn’t know I was gay. The rest of the trip was pretty fun even if Shuley lost her keys. Looking back & reading about it gives me the giggles.

By the time summer started the arguments about Fire Island had become discussion meets compromise. Had we been in the gay section The Pines, things may have been different. I would have definitely wanted to go more. When I would go Jordan didn’t want me to go out there. It was more of a control issue I think. When I was out there with his family we did manage to have some good times with his sister & her bf. Jillian & I have always gotten along well. But for the most part I looked forward to having the weekends in the city to myself. My me, myself & I time was something I treasured because I got it so rarely. I don’t know. Some couples I know are attached at the hip & it has always sickened me. I mean if it works then fine but have a sense of yourself. Don’t lose who you are. I loved being able to just go to Virgin or a music store & spend hours just doing my own thing. Not all people feel that way though. Throughout the year we had many fights about the fact that Jordan just wanted to stay home & I wanted to go out. If we were out we would somehow still fight because there were time limits & we would have to leave at a certain time. It didn’t make for an easy time for us or our friends.

Pride 07 had come & gone & drunken shenanigans had happened plenty. I never have considered myself an alcoholic but there have definitely been times where I should have stopped myself. There is a fine line between being the life of a party & becoming a hot hot mess. Since the beginning of 07 I had fallen in love with the album Back To Black by Amy Winehouse. So many of the songs lyrics were things that I felt I had went through myself. ’You Know I’m No Good’, ‘Tears Dry On Their Own’, ‘Back To Black’ & “He Can Only Hold Her’ felt like it was just for me. ‘Rehab’ was my song for the year & the year was only half over. Nickakah came & another glorious celebration was had. For my bday Jordan bought me a dual cd player which aided in the deejaying process. Music flowed continuously (unless my drinks were kicking in). It felt very complete with his lights & my wall of sound.

For the next few months nothing of significant importance happened. One Saturday night in mid-October changed that. We were out with a friends at Splash when one of them had apparently done too much coke & overdosed. Off to the hospital we had to go. I remember thinking how much I hated hospitals & I had just been a few months back after dislocated my shoulder. I didn’t want to be back at one at all. The following night we sat down for a normal night of Chinese & watching tv. We went to bed like normal on any other Sunday night. I went to sleep thinking about the things I would have to do at work the next day. In the middle of the night I woke up to see EMT people around me & Jordan looking stressed but trying to remain calm. My shoulder was in pain & I felt really loopy. I realized I must have dislocated my shoulder in my sleep again. The same way that I had been doing randomly since I was 19. Once they got me to the hospital they popped it back in & after doing MRI’s of my head they discovered a brain tumor. I was floored & in a state of shock. My friend Larry was with me when I got the news & after having a good cry I decided to just stay strong, The doctors said they had to remove it & hopefully all would go well. Friends came by to visit. My Aunt & my mom came up from the south. To say the whole experience shook up my whole world would be a major understatement. While I was in ICU I had nothing but time to think about everything. I remember being scared. I remember being grateful for having Jordan. I thought back on what my grandmother had said. She had been worried that if something bad had happened to me I would be alone & no one to take care of me. Only now at least i had him, he was my rock. To say the whole experience changed my world would be an understatement. Once I was released & back at home it was like I was a delicate flower for real. During those first few days at home I came out to my mom while she was staying with us. She didn’t take the news well & the next day she left to go back home. She said she would just need some time for it to process. Meanwhile, I had to heal. I had to take so much medicine it was insane. I barely slept. I had headaches. I was out of work. I had to shave my head. I gained so much weight from the meds making me incredibly hungry. I couldn’t go to the gym. I felt the ugliest I have ever been in my life. I was happy to be alive & I decided the only thing to do was to get better. I had a lot of time to think & reflect about things in my life. One of the big changes was there was to be no drinking while I was on this medication. I went from having Rehab as my theme-song to Sober by Kelly Clarkson in a drastic change.

As time passed I was able to go back to work. I rocked a hat every single day as I waited for my hair to grow. Thanksgiving was about to come & in the few weeks time my mom had begun to be ok with my news. She even decided to come to visit with my younger sister. All of a sudden she was a different person. I hadn’t spent a Thanksgiving with family in years & I was a little apprehensive about this one. I had always spent it with my friend Larry & a few others. So we decided that he would come over & do his dinner at our place. Meanwhile, Jordan was going to go over to his family’s house upstate for Thanksgiving. All was going to be ok. That is until his parents didn’t like the fact that my mother wasn’t coming up to see them. It invoked this massive fight & strife between us. My mom had never been to NYC & she was really excited about doing all these things that I wasn’t about to squander for her. I couldn’t understand why this had to be such a problem. Larry said, “Do these people not understand you just had your head fucking cut open?!” I was so angry about this & I can’t really say this was the straw that broke the camels back but it was definitely the catalyst in the decision that was to happen later.

Christmas & New Years came with less drama but seeds had been planted. Sometimes you go through with motions just to go through with them. You smile for pictures to show everything is ok. That’s how it feels looking back at pictures for Tom’s birthday at the beginning of January. There was another fight & we both agreed to not ruin his bday. When he left the apt all excited about what a good time he had we sat on the couch & after a semi-short conversation decided to break up.
TO BE CONTINUED…….